SS is making my life a living hell
BM decided she is overwhelmed caring for SS and SS aged 11 now, must move in with SO. BM took SO to children's court and it was decided with social workers that SS must move in with him, although it is not made an order of the court. SO agreed without consulting me, when I found out, I was deeply hurt because I knew what would be in store for me, based on past experiences with SS when he used to visit. We are engaged to be married, so from time to time, we stay together because his place is closer to my work place. SS continues to be the brat he has always been, now it is worse because I have to deal with his behaviour every single day. He does not greet me even when I greet him. SO tries to talk to him, but it lasts for few minutes. SS controls what happens in the house, what he wants to eat and when. He eats with his cellphone on his hand, he replies with attitude, he does not mend the bed when waking up, he does not clean the bathtub, he leaves the toilet untidy, he won't do any chores, not even wash dishes. sometimes, he does not eat after I have cooked. He returns from school, eats what he makes for himself as he wishes and sleep until morning. He is picky when it comes to food, he gives me dirty looks, he is moody all the time. The only time he talks to me nicely, greets me and calls me 'ma' is when he wants something from me. Last month I thought we were making progress when I returned from work and he greeted me and spoke to me, asking that I sew his texbook carrier. I decided to have it nicely sewn, I washed it and even bought a new stronger textbook bag for him to change, I bought him a nice lunch box. He was somewhat thankful. After that we were back to him treating me like I don't exist, being moody, giving me the bad look, not talking to me, not greeting. Unfortunately it messes with my emotions and mental health, I wish I can ignore, but it is hard. Yesterday, I greeted when I woke up, SS did not greet back. Later in the day, while I was at work, SS sent me a message with a Nike school bag picture, begging me to buy for him. I replied saying I don't have money. When I got home, he greeted me nice and wanted to talk to me, which he only does when he wants something from me. SS showed me the same bag pic and asked me to buy him. I said in front of his father...my SO, that it is expensive and I don't have money.
I hate staying with this SS, because of how he is towards me, I never did anything to him. I have always been nice and bought him things like any mother would do, even grocery items to take back to his mother, using my own money, I would buy him birthday gifts, arranged for his birthday celebrations using my own money, not SO's, even this year, I paid for SS's birthday celebration, it was my idea, I was trying to be a mom. I wash his clothes, have them ironed, but it seems like BM pushed him to come stay with SO, so he can be used against our relationship. It's like he is being fed lies to turn him against me. Every weekend he goes to his mother and I would insist to SO that he takes his dirty laundry for the mother to also play her part by washing and ironing for her son. When SS returns, he comes back with a worse attitude. I don't want to stay with SS full time, I pray for the day he returns to his mother full time, I can manage visits, but not full time stay. SO and I were planning to buy a property together...our home to start our life, since we are about to tie the knot, but I decided to pause on that, because I don't see myself staying with SS full time in my house and made to feel like I don't exist. Right now, I feel like I am a visitor there than the woman of the house. SS does not recognise my presence nor does he talk to me, unless he wants me to do him favours. I understand he is still a child, but as adult as I am, I also have feelings.
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I didn't have to get past
I didn't have to get past your first paragraph: Your fiance decided his son is moving in with you all without telling you. Think for a moment what that action says.
No, you do not "have to deal with SS every single day."
Get out now. The writing is on the wall. Your SO is not respecting you or your feelings. He obviously also allows SS to treat you like crap. Is he being a parent at all? Why are you washing the clothes, etc? Do not under any circumstances walk into a full-time situation. Do not willingly become a doormat.
Sorry I am being so blunt, but your future is being shown to you in glaring, pulsating red lights. Run, don't walk.
Relationships need more than being in love and having good sex. A lot more. Sorry.
I would put the brakes on
I would put the brakes on wedding/moving in/buying property for now. That's what i actually did when i saw the writing on the wall about how dysfunctional my SO's situation was with his 4 kids and 2 BMs, one of which is high conflict. We are still together but not moving forward until all kids have launched. I would lose my sh!t if i didn't have my own house to go to and have peace without worrying about a BM randomly showing up. Every time she "pops over" to SO's house, i give thanks that i don't actually live there.
Also, i echo the above sentiment. The fact that your SO made this decision without involving you shows that he is not ready to be a "life partner" to you. He is thinking in terms of "my" life/kids/home, not "ours."
Same thing here, almost
My DH87 has 3 kids. For 4 years, we had them every second they weren't in school but they lived with BM. One summer, OSS decided he wanted to live here full time and I agreed. We had always gotten a long well.
That year, at Thanksgiving, SD and BM got into a fight and SD ran away. When she came back, the "solution" was for her to live with us. No one consulted me. SD had always been a problem and here she was all the time. Same thing happened 6 months later and YSS moved in, too.
Thank heavens I had started counseling right before the first one moved in. That is the only thing that helped me cope DH always made sure the kids were decent to me but I knew they had mixed feelings, including feeling abandoned by BM. They all felt sad that she let them go so easily.
I think your SO needs to be sure his son treats you civilly. You didn't sign up to be a full-time mom and that's the least you should expect.
Side note: to my surprise, our life went smoother once all the kids lived here full time tho that brought the total to 5 kids within a 6-year age range. The transitions were hard on the kids and me, too.
Don't marry this guy. He's
Don't marry this guy. He's not parenting his little brat of a child and you will resent both of them. He's probably getting to be too much for his mother to handle so she's dumping him on his father. And if him being there causes problems between you and your SO, well that's collateral benefit for BM. Let this man go. He's not worth it. He's allowing the brat to be disrespectful to you. It won't be any different if you all live together. He didn't even talk to you about his son moving in, so he didn't even think about how this would impact you and his relationship with you.
Every one is doing what
Oh hell no! If SO pays CS to BM, he needs to collect on what he
pays BM to do. If their is no CO that the Skid move in with the NCP, then the NCP's SO has full and complete veto rights on that crap.
If... and it has to be an if ordered by the court, the NCP becomes the CP then the new CP's SO should demand that their mate land on their X with both feet going for insane amounts of CS. A social worker does not get to stipulate custody. Only a Judge gets to do that.
Kid also get no say. They do what they are told when they are told or... they experience age appropriate misery inducing consequences. That your SO tolerates the disrespect towards himself and towards you that his noxious failed family spawn perpetrates makes me sad for both of you.
Honor yourself and free yourself from the clutches of your SO and his shallow and polluted gene pool.
11yo is long past old enough to know right from wrong and to be held accountable for behavioral choices. Your SO needs to collect his testicles from the control of his X and his 11yo.