Lost....
I'm new here but I know I need some advice....here is my situation.
I'm recently engaged to a great guy who has a daughter, 9, from a previous relationship....not ever married to the mother...actually, he never really dated her. The mother left the area for 7 years when his daughter was an infant. She moved back and he established a relationship with his daughter....now mom wants to move again. Daughter said she wanted to stay here with us to live, changed her mind to go with mom, now has decided with a matter of days before her mom leaves that she wants to stay with us. This is no problem for her to stay, but now my daughter and I are going to have to move and I'm going to be parenting 2 children, one of which I hardly know. Oh, did I mention that SD's Mom hated me and I've only met this child 3 times? So, I find it odd that a mother would leave their child with a total stranger and move 8 hours away. I find it odd that she would do this with no hesitation...and I find it uncomfortable that my life is changing so drastically in a matter of moments....
Taking a breath now....
Help me out. I don't know what to expect here....I have a daughter but don't know much about raising other people's kids...or how SD might be treating me...does it affect the relationship with her dad and I? Please let me know what is about to happen to me....I am lost!
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aww honey!!!
Take a breath and do your best to stay calm and level. something that's going to help you survive this situation is having a husband who is going to support you and show sd that you're a united front and give her the firm impression that she will not be able to separate the two of you.
Who knows, if she's choosing to live with you guys...it might work out well. There's really no right answer on how you should handle this. Each family,each child,each marriage is different. Just be prepared with LOADS of PATIENCE but don't let sd walk all over you. And remember that we're here if you need us
The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children. ~Edward, Duke of Windsor, Look, 5 March 1957
thank God someone responded....
That's one of my biggest things, respect. My daughter is very well behaved...but even with the 3 times I have been around SD her language is a little more than what I will tolerate from my 6 year old. I think I can handle that. But here's another thing....my fiance has volunteered my "babysitter" services every weekend for his daughter without even talking to me about it. It ticks me off quite frankly....bc my daughter spends the weekends with her dad....so it's actually like a small break for me....no kids....but now I do. It's like he doesn't even know the importance of grocery shopping and is about to take on this huge role....but I think it's safe to say, maybe, that I might be taking on this role. I'm leary of it all. I honestly became speechless when he told me that he told BM I would be keeping SD every weekend. I was like, ...thanks. I don't ask him to keep my daughter on his days off...UUUHHHHH!!!!
whoa
he is seriously stepping over the boundaries there. Yes I understand that you married a man with a child but that doesn't automatically make you a built in babysitter. It would be in your best interest to try to get DH to understand he really disrespected you by doing that. I am a firm believer of time off from all children and you are going to need those 'alone' weekends for yourself especially in the beginning. He's not being fair to you at this point. Before SD becomes a permanent resident in 'casa de stepmom' some serious,firm groundrules need to be made. Seems like a calm,organized family meeting is in order.
The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children. ~Edward, Duke of Windsor, Look, 5 March 1957
oh...and also
if you and Dh happen to start fighting and losing romance...start fighting naked }:) especially over the small stuff like "sd didn't put her plate in dishwasher"...it will TOTALLY minimize all the little things. sounds strange but don't knock it til you try it! lol*
The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children. ~Edward, Duke of Windsor, Look, 5 March 1957
impressive
....I love the idea. However, if next time I get on here and report back that SD didn't put the plate in the dishwasher....and we battled naked, MY luck would be to have some sort of tragic accident involving a sharp kitchen utensil, a naked body and SD witnessed the event and reported back to BM....;) ha.
The child is 9 not 3
A nine year old is not as easy to bond with as a 3 year old. A 9 year old may not be comfortable calling a SM "mom" right off the bat. A nine year will likely be coming over with loyalty issues. Maybe her mother said, "hate your SM" Some BM's do that. Before "bumped" jumps in and gets her heart broken and trashed like I did, I think she needs to assess the situation. BM may very well want to dump the child off but also want to make sure she is still in control. SM's have feelings too even though a lot of people don't seem to care about that.
"Bumped" just because your DH volunteered your babysitting services, it does not mean you have to comply. I would nip this little problem of volunteering you for things in the bud by simply saying no. DH, you didn't ask my permission first so no, you can take care of your daughter on the weekends. I am not going to do it. Sorry! This is his daughter and his responsibility and it is simply not okay to make huge life changing decisions without asking your wife. He shouldn't be buying a car, a puppy or say..volunteering you to be a full time baby sitter without discussing it with you! I'd go stay at my mom's on the weekends and let him parent his daughter. Tell him next time to ask.
Get this accross to DH or it will be an ongoing problem. DH will be springing all kinds of surprises on you and you'll be the victim who is doing everything while he feels great about being a parent. You are his wife and you need to get an agreement that all decisions related to this child will be made jointly or you will not be a participant.
"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"
sorry it takes me a while to respond, but-
I actually took your advice.....word for word, piece by piece. First of all, a 9 year old who has always lived with BM is waaaaayyyyyyyyy more complicated than, lets say, a 3 year old. It's proven that a child by the time they reach age 7 are who they are and you may be able to alter some behavior, but it is what it is. Agreeing with that, I went on to your next part of refusing to be the babysitter. Looking at the big picture, I CLEARLY ASKED TO BE PRESENT DURING THE PHONE CALLS DISCUSSING THE SD MOVING IN WITH US, HE CLEARLY DISREGARDED THAT!!!! When I finally realized how ticked off I was about it, I refused my services. So maybe the next time it's important enough for me to play a role like that, it will be important enough for him to have me around during the convo.
The whole thing you said about the BM telling SD to hate SM....yeah, YOU ARE RIGHT. She hated me up until the point she wanted to dump her poor daughter off with me. I wasnt even good enough to spend some time with SD but now, MAGICALLY, I turned into being good enough to raise her daughter. UUUHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! I love children, SD is a pretty good kid....Why is this so complicated???
stick their head in the sand
I used something similar to this over the weekend...I told DH, "I thought I married a solid,strong human being...I didn't realize I married an ostrich who would rather bury his head than confront problems...or perhaps I married a little lamb and BM's real name is Mary"
The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children. ~Edward, Duke of Windsor, Look, 5 March 1957
LMAO....:)
How about the fact that "Everything will be just fine" and "You worry too much" and "I'M AFRAID OF LOSING HER, AGAIN..." have actually been the most overly used responses and answers lately.....hahahahaaaaaaa! YOU LADIES ARE BRILLIANT! Seriously, I solute every one of you who has dealt with this for years....
I'm with you 100% as to what FH needs to do, but the bottom line is that he will continue to let BM walk all over him, run him in circles for SD and get crapped on again. I finally layed down some rules.....GROW A SET AND STAND UP FOR YOURSELF! No matter how much I love FH, only he can fix this situation...after all, he helped to break it.