Frick!!!
DH and I got into a huge fight today and I nearly left him. He's started saying I am treating them like $h!t again because I barely speak to them. He's trying to make me feel guilty and I am really sick of it. He wants to point the finger at me and tell me how he doesn't like how they are being treated and I said, "what are you talking about? I'm not treating them like anything!" I do not want to give them any ammunition for more of their frickin lies and I told him that also. How is it he can't see how much he put on me? How is it okay for me to be the sole caretaker of HIS children, but he can't? He also says that I need "help". I said, "I need help because I am finally standing up for myself? I need help because you have to take care of YOUR children now?" WTF??? That makes no sense. He says the dumbest shit sometimes and it is difficult to even have an argument because of it. It was a huge fight that went on and on and was never really resolved. Same stuff, different day.
He is with them maybe 4 or 5 hours a day. I am here (SAHM) with his lying, manipulative, ungrateful monsters 24/7. And I might add that the oldest one looks just like BM...ugh. And she is just as two-faced as BM. He's pushing me to the edge and I just might jump if he doesn't back off. I feel like I am fighting a battle that I am not going to win and I am not sure our marriage will make it. I am having a lot of doubts.
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I really feel for you
Crizzle, I really feel for you because I know how difficult it is to have SK's that hardly acknowledge you or speak to you and so, in frustration, you just stop trying. But you have your SK's 24/7, I only have mine on regular visitations and that's hard enough.
My DH is also a father who is not involved nearly enough in his own kids life. He didn't even know when his Ex changed my SD's school! and only found out when she told us over dinner (after she had started in the new school).
Sounds like you need some serious time-out. Can you get away, even for the weekend without DH, your kids or his kids? Just to get some clarity.
A Step parent is in a no win role
I would love to get away
but I would have to take my biokids with me. One thing I don't get enough of is time alone with my own children. I wouldn't leave them here with skids anyway. Skids are two-faced, lying and manipulative and I hate that my children may be picking up on it. I've got nowhere to get away to anyway.
"They say God doesn't give you more than you can handle. I just wish he didn't have so much confidence in me."
I'm in the same boat.
I hear ya, sister. I'm a SAHM right now. I agreed that I'd stay home with the skids for the summer and go back to work when they went back to school but I've regretted that decision since the second week of June! I too have gotten to the point that I don't want to talk to the skids either. I have to listen to them bicker and fight all day so when FH comes home I just lock myself in my room until the skids go to bed. I hate it because that is time away from me and FH having time together but for my own sanity I have to do it. Also I feel like it's not MY total responsibilty to take care of HIS kids so when he gets home then he should get that "quality time" with them (fighting and all).
Yeah, I was a SAHM
before skids moved in here last year. DH and I both decided I would stay home with our BS until he starts school after we had troubles with two different daycares with BD7 when she was two. He never asked me if I would babysit his kids too while he's working or whatever. It was just assumed that I would. I know this: something's gotta give.
"They say God doesn't give you more than you can handle. I just wish he didn't have so much confidence in me."
All of you are right
Crizzle - stay strong! and don't let anyone bully you into not knowing the truth about your situation. Which it sounds like you are very clear on!!
I am sorry dear, maybe just let him do more and more so HE can decide they need discipline and do it himself-!!!
_________________________________________________________
Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale
Her infinite variety.
William Shakespeare, "Antony and Cleopatra", Act 2 scene 2I am trying to stay strong,
but he throws these guilt trips at me and tells me I am treating them like poo. He makes me feel like I am evil even though I know I have taken alot and it is now time for me to stand up for myself. I have told him that I will NO LONGER assume ANY parenting responsibilities for his kids and I have reworked my laundry schedule so that weekends are open for him to do HIS children's laundry. I'm not doing it anymore. They are so ungrateful and selfish; always have their hand out for more just like their BM.
"They say God doesn't give you more than you can handle. I just wish he didn't have so much confidence in me."
You are beautiful and smart
DH is a fool. He just wants you to clean up his mess so he doesn't have to. Maybe you should leave for awhile and let him see what he is missing. Does he think he will find someone else to babysit his children being as nasty as they are?
He cannot give you all the responsibility without any authority. He's left your hands tied and until he sees that, your life will be hell if you try to take care these children. Men are stubborn and don't usually do anything until it's too late. Maybe if you tell him you are leaving him and moved in with your parents for a while, he'll come to his senses.
I can tell you that my DH did nothing until I had finally thrown in the towel and decided I was leaving him. He woke up and couldn't do enough to fix the situation after that. It was almost too late though. I am still very pissed off about what happend.
"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"
Thank you Abigail!
I would love to go stay with my parents for a while just so he could see how he would feel without me & our kids around. But, I can't. My Aunt from Florida moved in with my parents in April, so there is no room for me. Plus, they live 25 miles from me and school starts next week. I think this just adds to my frustration; the fact that I can't even get away for a bit. I'm just going to have to do some thinking. I am so tired of his guilt trips. Do I not have a right to stand up for myself? He thinks I should love his kids as I do my own too. That will never happen.
"They say God doesn't give you more than you can handle. I just wish he didn't have so much confidence in me."
Crizzle.....
Dh and I went through the same thing. We FINALLY went to a FEW counseling sessions, and the counselor told him that if he wanted me to "raise" his children, then he needed to give up control. This took him a while, and we still have issues, BUT....he's tons better now. Basically i told him that if he was going to expect me to raise them, then he had to accept the fact that I would be discipling them and if he didn't like that, he needed to hire a nanny. Over time, this became more accepted. My SD17 now usually will ask ME for permission to do things and call ME when she has a problem, etc. She has a mental illness, but she's doing better and for now at least, we're getting along.
BTW, I only a few hours from you, and you are MORE than welcome to come stay the weekend with me! We can take the kids to the lake! PM me if you need to get away!
Sia, you are so sweet!
You have a great heart to open up your home to a stranger. I'm telling you though, if things don't straighten out soon I may just take you up on it. I think we definitely need to do some counseling or separate. Things HAVE GOT TO change. Thanks again Sia! I will keep you updated to my situation.
"They say God doesn't give you more than you can handle. I just wish he didn't have so much confidence in me."
Same crap--flipped forward a few years
Yes, Crizzle, I was informed that I "needed help" when I disengaged from DHs kids years ago (they were teens then). Instead of taking stock of his own parenting issues, it was easier for DH to blame me for not "loving" his ungrateful, drug-addicted brood. I was the problem, in his eyes, not them.
Fast-forward a decade. Princess #1 invites me to her Royal Wedding Shower. Actually, the invite was addressed to me, but we all know she was really inviting my GIFT, and that my presence was not required, or desired. DH tells me how horrible I am for not attending the Royal Shower because "It's family and Princess really wants you there!"
I looked DH in the eye and informed him that I would be happy to send Princess some money for her Royal Shower--"One dollar for every word she has spoken to me in 2009."
DH thought for a minute and that was the end of that.
Crayon,
I think he will read them, but I don't know how much he will take to heart. I am going definitely going to give it a try though. I will let you know of his response.
"They say God doesn't give you more than you can handle. I just wish he didn't have so much confidence in me."
Yeah...
...I secretly hope he will divorce me for being so awful and horrible and HONEST. After all these years I found that turning the spotlight from his fantasy family world and shining the light on the behavior of his "loving" children tends to work well.
They are such slimebags that it makes my work easy.
Yeah - I know about the 'fantasy family'
Are these DH's stupid? They married us and thought that we would instantly 'love' their kids like we gave life to them. They think that every meal should be a sit down 'brady bunch' experience and that family life will be just 'peachy keen', with lots of hugs and 'I love you's'.
Then, when reality hits - not everyone likes eachother, not everyone wants to spend time together or has any interests in common.... DH blames you for 'not being nice enough' to his kids, 'not being tolerant enough' when his kids are really rude or ignore you (just another way to be rude in silence).
It's about that time that the word 'disengaging' comes to mind... But even when you want to disengage from the SK's, they are still in your life and in your house. Speaking from my own experience, my 'mothering instinct' still tries to come through when I see them neglected, physically, emotionally and mentally - even though I don't like them.
Then you just have to physically remove yourself from all the emotional garbage for a while.
A Step parent is in a no win role
Funny isn't it?
That whole first paragraph you wrote is exactly the same in our situation.
I love this part though...I looked DH in the eye and informed him that I would be happy to send Princess some money for her Royal Shower--"One dollar for every word she has spoken to me in 2009."....LMAO!!!
"They say God doesn't give you more than you can handle. I just wish he didn't have so much confidence in me."