So girls, be warned. If you don't have your stepkid all the time, and then suddenly YOU DO, let it be known that you better act like f'ing mother Theresa if you want your marriage to last. I am SO TIRED OF THIS. I am tired of walking on eggshells, but DH keeps THROWING THEM ALL OVER THE FLOOR. I CAN'T MISS THEM!!

I know JUST how you feel!
AMEN!! AMEN!! AMEN!!

Well, that's out of left field now isn't it?

I wonder what bug is up DH's ass?

I know you are trying and I'm sorry that this outburst on DH's part has come around at a time when you thought things were doing well.

I want you to be careful here, Laura, if you can and not jump right back at DH. And not because he doesn't deserve it. Believe me, I completely understand and sympathize that if anyone needs to be hit with both barrels right now, it's probably your DH.

But something else is going on here and I'm not quite sure what it is.

I'm not sure if your husband had gotten comfortable and was enjoying having his son more often. And I'm not sure if he also knew that what happened with how you came into watching his son every day was wrong, so maybe he's been waiting for some kind of blowback from it???
That's completely giving your DH the benefit of the doubt. Like - he knew he should have asked you first, and then you showed a little negativity and he completely took it personally, instead of for the real reason you were upset.

The reason I am asking you to be careful here is so that his stupidity doesn't get matched by your frustration and the whole thing spirals out of control.

Is there any way to talk to him? Or reason with him at all? Do you think that if you said - as calmly as possible - I just would like some alone time with you - I've missed YOU. Do you think that would go over well or not?

Whatever you do - please try to separate your ill feelings or reservations about the kid from the idiot that your DH is now being. I know you are tired and I know you are doing your best. Please make sure that DH's actions don't influence your feelings about the boy. In my own opinion it will help you to keep them separate. It will help you in your arguments with DH and with SS if you continue to watch him.

I also feel that when you are telling DH that you missed HIM, you have absolutely EVERY RIGHT to tell him to watch himself as well. You are not to be taken advantage of or made to feel bad just because he doesn't like a "look". And if he thinks he can take care of both boys on his own - he's clearly got another thing coming.

Please don't mistake my advice to be careful to reason with him as an instruction to lay down. I FULLY WANT YOU TO FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHTS. I just want you to separate the issues so you go in clear headed and calm and ready.

Does this make sense?

i know how u feel. it seems that men dont understand how we cant just 'love' a child automatically. i still dont love my sd, and i have been around for 5yrs and we always had her ft. she isnt loveable.

u have reason to be upset. thats your husband and its bad enough the work schedules screw up your time but now his child is doing it too. it may not be the kids fault but your husband is being a jerk so u have a right to be too.

i'd leave, but take your son with u. apparently he cant do it alone, he needs u, so how could he do it with 2 kids? my bf used to threaten to keep bd3 if i ever leave. i laughed in his face, cause he cant handle his other bd (sd11) now and never could.

Laura,

I am in the same situation. I was made responsible for SS full time and have to walk on eggshells. It’s very difficult but I pretty much try to fake enjoyment as much as possible. It’s either that, or we’ll have to get divorced. I don’t know why these men can’t accept that you are not going to feel how they feel about their child. Especially trying to make the best of being given responsibilities you didn’t ask for! They don’t see that you are making a sacrifice. They just resent that you don’t view the sacrifice as a privilege. You are supposed to view being responsible for this child every day, rearing your life around their schedule and needs, catering to them as a privilege. If he’s threatening that you have to feel a certain way or else, you may need to think about how much of that you want to have to listen to, and if DH is worth what you are putting up with. Cause the way he feels isn’t likely to change.

Laura,

Those hours are RIDICULOUS!! Even if you had JUST THE ONE YEAR OLD, working those kind of hours would exhaust ANYONE....then you have to take care of ANOTHER CHILD!!

No wonder you are hurt and at your wit's end, you poor thing, YOU ARE EXHAUSTED.

Your H is taking terrible advantage, and you need to stop it NOW.
Your first priority is your OWN little guy, and if you MUST WORK, then your H better start supporting YOU. You have every right to be upset with this situation.

Perhaps you can get a part-time "nanny" or sitter to help out. I don't know if that's possible, but you are gonna run yourself into the ground if you don't speak up. Is it worth it, Laura?

HUGS!!!

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt

I can relate. Actually if I can't stand this anymore, I'll gladly walk out with my son and leave DH behind.

Does DH understand what he has? You are working those hours and taking care of a 1 year old and a step son and last I heard, handling it all wonderfully. You make one little frown and DH goes off:

"DH gets furious. He starts yelling,"If you don't want to be around BOTH of my sons (SS9 and BS1), then I will do it alone!! I will take care of them both!!!"

It sounds like he is harboring some misheld belief that you don't want his son around. Why would such a little thing set him off. Why is that everyone in step families magnify every little problem?

If they were both your bio sons, would he after acted like? Mom's of intact families want alone time with their husband. Otherwise, your marriage will die. Maybe try calmly reassuring him that you do like both sons and it hurt your feelings that he blew up like that. That is not fair fighting. You don't threatan to leave someone over something so small. Have you tried writing him a non confrontational letter letting him know that you do like SS but you also need DH time too? You are being very reasonable. I hope DH can see this.

"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"

IMO I'm betting you're not upset with your SS, but rather upset with the father. Your Husband just expects you to have all this energy to PARENT when he should be doing it. The child probably doesn't like to be there because he gets no time with his dad.

My advice: show your husband that life is hard when things aren't done for him, when things aren't made as easy for him.

A friend of mine a few years ago scheduled things just so she wouldn't be availiable. When she got off of work she would come to my house to chill or sleep then she went home. When she got home her DH had to feed 2 cranky kids dinner, bath time, homework, bring them to their activities. her DH figured she would feel bad because he was exhausted, nope she didn't. After about a month her DH came around exhausted of course, and changed things. he realized that parenting was fricken hard and exhausting.

I work 12 hour shifts and i deal with more things in a 12 hour shift then the average person deals with in their life. I used to be a single parent with my son, and I would have to get home and take care of him exhausted etc. my point is its really no different for dads!!!!

IMO I'm betting you're not upset with your SS, but rather upset with the father. Your Husband just expects you to have all this energy to PARENT when he should be doing it. The child probably doesn't like to be there because he gets no time with his dad.

My advice: show your husband that life is hard when things aren't done for him, when things aren't made as easy for him.

A friend of mine a few years ago scheduled things just so she wouldn't be availiable. When she got off of work she would come to my house to chill or sleep then she went home. When she got home her DH had to feed 2 cranky kids dinner, bath time, homework, bring them to their activities. her DH figured she would feel bad because he was exhausted, nope she didn't. After about a month her DH came around exhausted of course, and changed things. he realized that parenting was fricken hard and exhausting.

I work 12 hour shifts and i deal with more things in a 12 hour shift then the average person deals with in their life. I used to be a single parent with my son, and I would have to get home and take care of him exhausted etc. my point is its really no different for dads!!!!