How do we move forward??I am EXHAUSTED!!!
So i have never really posted anything on here but always check in to empathise what all you as step parents go through...today im just at my ends wit and hoping venting will relive some of the pain and hurt i am feeling...
So about me- I have been with my dh for 4years now and we have a 2year old, im 7months pregnant and have a ss11 from a previous relationship he had for 7years. My relationship with my ss, has always beeen a great one- he always tells me how much he loves me and everytime he visits on his weekend we always have such a great time that many times he's cried before asking why he has to go home. My dh has also ALWAYS put me first in everything weve ever had to deal with and demands nothing but respect from ex and child when it comes to me...
His ex and i however have a rocky relationship... she still cant believe our relationship is working and we are happy as when they broke up she spread all this nasty lies, how he apparently cheated and used to beat her up.
Anyway about a year ago, dh and i DECIDED together to totally cut her off and just deal with ss and ex's new fiancee who is sssooo much easier to deal with anyway. So for a whole year, i havent heard anything about her..no calls, no drama stories, all ss drop off and picks ups are done by dh and ex's-fiancee (so i thought)!!
This week i get a call from dh ex, telling me how she's had enough of our childishness and wont be a part of it anymore. Apparently dh has been going over to their house, calling her etc and always reminding her to please not tell me!!!If she calls and im there he never picks up but then calls her back later when outside!!!He's even told he's 11year old to never mention it to me!!
I feel sooo stupid and betrayed!!A whole year?????? All hubby could say was how sorry he is, it was just so much easier for me not to know and that eventually he was going to tell me (which i dont believe)!!He's begging for me to trust him again which i dont think i will ever be able to do again!! SS also called the other day and said that he doesnt want to be coming to our house anymore- he's been fed with soo much that he doesnt want to be caught up in the middle anymore!!Now im apparently supposed to support him to be going to "her" house every saturday morning for 2hrs to spend time with ss. Before i was such a supportive wife that i probably would have been ok for whateva he needed to do to have a realtionship with he's son but after what he's put me through, i find it sooo hard!!!
I also cant believe that she now has that power to say "we dont have a worthy relationship anyway"!I wish he was deceitful with some1 else but HHHEEERRR????
Has anyone else been in such a situation or have any advice for me cuz i just dont know how to move forward!!!HELP!
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Oh honey....
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I am a bm and a sm and I hope to offer something to think about.... I am absolutely not trying to offend you or compare you the low life that is my son's sm.... I try not to bring her up on Steptalk because I always seem to get reamed for it.... Let me explain:
my ex does the same thing to his wife as you just experienced. He lies to her about our conversations, he never tells her if we meet up, insted he will make up a lie as to why he has to leave, he has our 12 year old son lying to sm in order to "keep their home life as conflict free as possible". He has even asked me to stage fake fights with him just to keep his wife happy, he pays me his portion of medical costs in cash so his wife doesn't know (even though it's court ordered), he has even asked me to write fake checks to him when his wife feels I owe them money.... That way he could 'show' her I paid whatever it is she thinks I souls pay but then he tears up the check later. You may be wondering why I go along with all of this and I will explain below. My question to is is how do you react when dh has to deal with bm? My son's sm is extremely insecure and jealous so she thinks that's that if my ex and I are getting along then we are also screwing... The funny thing is that I was only with her dh for a total of 9 months when I was 16 years old.... They got together when I was pregnant with bs and they have been together for 12 years. I get that he's cheated on her in the past (and God no it wasn't with me) but she has issues from that... Anyway.... If she know that her dh and I get along then she makes life absolute hell for him, so he lies to her just to avoid dealing with it. I go along with this because I feel I have to. I have outed my ex in past (a few times) and told her what he up to.... I felt bad for her.... I told my son he is not allowed to lie to ANY adult especially not a parent (sm).... But everytime sm turns it around on me and ends up hating me even more and my ex then feels that we can't get along because it upsets his wife and my son gets punished for lying (even though his dad told him to). I don't feel good about any of it but honestly in this case, sm being left in the dark is better for EVERYONE involved.
Does your dh have reason to believe that you would cause problems if you knew what was going on? It doesn't sound like he does but I thought I'd ask.... Again, I am so sorry this happened to you.... I cannot imagine how violated you must feel.
I agree you should
Talk to ss.... Because if you don't set the record straight with him he my end up resenting you. I don't condone my ex teaching bs to lie to sm.... But I've also seen her psychotic episodes when she is faced with the mere thought idea of her dh and I attempting to get along.... She doesn't get that it doesn't have to be so nasty.... I don't want her dh, I don't want to be either of their friends, we're not going to hook up etc.... I would just like some peace.... And the only way to accomplish that in our situation is to let sm believe that we hate each other.... And don't get me wrong, I don't like the guy one bit but I stll have to deal with him and I'd much rather be cordial than nasty all the time.... Get over it, life goes on. Anyway, my son has really grown to resent sm because he knows full well the drama she causes and that it's necessary he not clue her in on certain things or else she is mean to him.... It's all really sick.... But if you can, if your dh had no reason for his actions I too suggest you talk to ss right away!
Hey guys, thanxs for all the
Hey guys, thanxs for all the advice...means alot!!
The reason why hubby felt "it was best" to keep all this away from me was cuz i had 3miscarriages before this healthy pregnancy. The one thing that always sets me off and makes me soo stressed is the whole BM situation. ie not because i am ïnsecure or jealous" of her but just how she's so obsessed with ruining our lives. EVERY single week, she'll send my hubby texts insulting him on how incapable he is as a father, how he needs to pay more cs because her fiancee is not working, how i apparently "upset" ss by saying its not time for baby yet to have a bottle when he wanted to feed her!! Just really really stupid small things but somehow get to me!!
Dh including ss in the lying i agree was totally totally unacceptable!!You cant expect ure child to always be honest but teach them its ok to lie especially to someone as important as ure wife!!
I wish this was a situation where i could just cut off and move on cuz it just seems like there is no way for us to recover from this!! I dont want to call her house and talk to ss plus i dont think he is going to listen to me especially when he's already being so cold to his dad!!
SS wants dh to be seeing him at he's house on sat mornings and doesnt want to come over anymore. Its such a hard hard situation!!I just dont know how to move forward....
Wow....
I'm so sorry to hear about the miscarriages. I really feel for you. I don't know that I could 'truly' overcome being lied to like that and to top it off the thought of dh hangin at bm's house to vist with ss?? Why is ss being allowed to call the shots?? I would put my foot down in a big way with that one. Ss is 11 years old.... He should not be allowed to dictate where dh goes to spend time with him!
ssssooooo true that but
ssssooooo true that but seems if i put my foot down then still comes down to "im the insecure sm who wont even let dh have a relationship with he's son"
OMG
I had a similar situation earlier this year. Luckily for me, SS and SD are adults so no visitation issues have arised. BUT I found out on Easter that (after several conversations about me being po'ed that DH still talks with BM and DH promising to stop conversations with BM) he still talks with her!!! Gimme a freaking break. We too had a m/c in December (we were at 20 weeks along already!). Devastating. We're expecting again too in early March.
I still haven't found a way to completely trust DH again yet. I don't know if it's even possible. I just take it day by day and hope for the best and pray that he's being honest with me. I honestely don't know what I would do if I found out that he still talks with her. As for DH visiting SS at BM's home, no freaking way. That's just outright disrespectful. How about he takes SS out for dinner/movie/mini-golf or something when he visits instead of sitting around at BMs place? What does the custody agreement say?
SS should not be told to lie about DHs behavior. That's wrong on many levels. And BM needs to let go of the past and contact DH regarding issues with SS ONLY!! Tell him that you want to see his cell phone one day and see what he says. If he won't let you see it, he's still hiding something. Try counseling?
I am sooo sorry.
I pm'd you...I have some experience with this type of situation...
God grant me the serenity accept the things I cannot change; the strength to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.