Introduction

I just realized that I’ve posted three blogs on here…but I never really formally introduced my situation.

Let me start from the beginning and I promise to keep it short. I started a new job about 6 years ago and met my now DH. We were just friends of course as he was married to BM at the time. As I got to know DH I learned all about how he was unhappy in his marriage and wanted out. I, of course, was a shoulder to cry on and a new friend to vent too. Having just graduated college and starting a new job, I also was looking for some new friends. I’m sure you all know the story of “one thing led to another”… He never cheated on BM with me, although she will tell you otherwise, but we did get very close i.e. he would come to my house to get out of his house type thing. One day he told me he was moving out, finding his own place and wanted to start a life with me. I was shocked, I never saw this coming…OK, I sorta did, but I never believed he would leave his wife. After taking some time to think about whether I wanted to start a relationship with a man who is soon to have an ex-wife, an 8 month old and a 22 month old, I relapsed in smart judgment and went for it. Little did I know what was waiting for me… As soon as he moved out BM filed for legal separation thinking she was beating DH to the punch. Why would she not just file for divorce? Anyway, DH turned around and filed for dissolution of marriage. After a year of DH living on his own and having SD’s on a constant basis we decided to move in together. Now, DH and BM were not legally divorced at this time and I blame this on BM for dragging it out as long as she possibly could, but we just couldn’t wait any longer. As soon as DH and I moved in together BM changed her tune. All of a sudden SD’s were not “allowed” to stay the night with us, we were not “allowed” to give them baths, do their hair, dress them, etc. Well, needless to say DH was not happy about this and put an end to it immediately. Divorce is finally final. Decree states that DH and BM have joint custody (which DH had to fight tooth and nail for) and blah, blah, blah. I could go on and on about the original decree she wanted and how ridiculous it was but I don’t think anyone has a week’s worth of time to listen to that crap. Moving on…DH and I buy and house and get married. Now in between this time I’ve had to deal with BM bitching about: me not giving them baths, dressing them for special events, driving them to and from places, calling me condescending (to her then 5 yo), not sending gifts to the SD’s for the parties she throws for them, not inviting me to SD’s parties (but DH gets invited), not letting me be involved in extra curricular activities, not letting the SD’s sit with me at sports practices or games, not wanting me to sign homework, not wanting me to “talk” to the SD’s about bad behavior, calling me names, sending emails to DH”s friends about me, lying to DH about what I say to the SD’s, lying about what the SD’s say to her about me, telling me they do not look up to me or love me, calling me a home wrecker, again I could go on and on.
That is just a glimpse of the pathetic crap I’ve gone through for the last 5 years. And when I’ve tried to reach out to her, tried to tell her I’m not here to take her place, not here to step on her toes, I try to reassure her I’m not out to get her and all I get back is pure evil. I’m not a bad person and I’m not a home wrecker…why do I get the luxury of being treated this way and will it ever end?

I also wanted to thank you all for you sincere comments so far and hope to continue to have a respectful and truthful relationship with all of you.

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It just kills me to read

It just kills me to read "She won't let me"....it's not her right to "not let you" do anything.

Ugh...I hope SD's BM doesn't pull that crap!!

Welcome and keep your head up!!!

I was a BM whose EH left for

I was a BM whose EH left for another woman. They didn't cheat either they said until after he moved out.... I don't believe it either. You want me to be brutally honest with you?

If you feel you need

If you feel you need too...go for it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don't feel the need to,

I don't feel the need to, but you asked: "why do I get the luxury of being treated this way and will it ever end?"

The answer is no. It will probably never end. I can't blame her either.

Why you get this luxury? Because you were involved, at a minimum, of an emotional affair whether you want to admit it or not. No, you aren't the only guilty party, but you are always going to be the one to blame. He left her, for you, with two BABIES at home. She's not going to get over it.

My EH left me for a piece of crap woman who wound up being satan. She wanted to take over MY child, and there was no way in hell she was going to do that. She wound up being abusive toward him and I withheld visitation. However, long story short I did everything in my power to get rid of that woman and EH finally came to his senses and figured her out AFTER she slept with my second husband too.

As you can see, I'm a tad bit jaded when it comes to someone who DID play a part in a divorce. Put yourself in her shoes. Try getting left for another woman. Then try getting left for another woman with TWO babies that SHE is going to take care of.

No woman in their right mind would be ok with that.

I want to be supportive to anyone in a SM position, but when you factor in an affair, I'm sorry but I cannot do that.

You're exactly right DPW,

You're exactly right DPW, the emotional part is a million times worse than the physical. The feelings of betrayal from the emotional aspect are astronomical. A cheap f*ck would have been easy to handle in comparison to the pouring of his poor pitiful problems onto the shoulder of someone who had motives other than to just be a friend.

That being said, let me add this.... Many of you have seen me blog about the great relationship I still have with my EH. It's this simple - I have forgiven him, but I will never forgive her. EVER. That's the way it works. She also went on to break up 2 more marriages in our town and is now apparently happily married in a town a couple hours away. Good for her. She just better never step out in front of my moving car because I wouldn't think twice about hitting the gas.

When BM finds someone or

When BM finds someone or finds that she can one day be happy then things will ease up unless she just loves the drama and in most cases they love the drama. Wish I could be reassuring....

She is remarried! lol! Must

She is remarried! lol! Must be the drama!

She's probably just not a

She's probably just not a forgiving person and sees no reason in forgiving what she perceives you have done - stolen her husband. He obviously had to be the willing partner in crime, and he was the one committed to her, not you, so it never makes sense to me why the cheated on always blame the 3rd party...but it happens. I'm sure I would feel the same way about you if it happened to me, and I probably wouldn't see a reason I needed to "let it go", certainly not for your sake. So, unfortunately, no she probably won't change!

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

We really were just friends.

We really were just friends. In fact, just 2 out of a whole group of friends that hung out together. I know that is hard for you to believe wicked because you are one of the women whose husband left them and I’m sure you did nothing wrong. The fact still remains that he was planning on leaving her before he even met me. Was I an excuse for him to actually do it? Maybe, but that doesn’t make me guilty of anything. If I’m guilty of being a friend than go ahead and charge me. I have a lot of guy and girl friends that are married who come to me for advice. After all, I did graduate, with honors, with a Psych degree. But that wouldn’t have anything to do with why anyone would come to me for advice. I never had feelings for DH until I knew he was emotionally (he was unhappy before he knew I existed) and physically (he moved out and filed for divorce) removed from BM. I do feel bad that she had two babies at home, but DH is the best dad ever and BM knows that and eventually admitted it – which is why they share custody. We don’t pay child support and we don’t pay spousal support. I wanted to keep my post short so I didn’t go into precise detail. Maybe I should have. I never knew I would be judged on this site. If you have questions, ask. I’ll answer them honestly.

Like DPW said, you can

Like DPW said, you can justify it any way you want to, but it is what it is. The sooner you admit it, the better off you will be.

I admitted the truth. Just

I admitted the truth. Just because you are scorned doesn't mean I'm lying.

**I’m sure you all know

**I’m sure you all know the story of “one thing led to another”… He never cheated on BM with me, although she will tell you otherwise, but we did get very close i.e. he would come to my house to get out of his house type thing. One day he told me he was moving out, finding his own place and wanted to start a life with me. I was shocked, I never saw this coming…OK, I sorta did, but I never believed he would leave his wife.**

I'm sorry but this is more than friendship. This is an emotional affair at a minimum.

Do you have any close

Do you have any close friends? I'm guessing No and it's probably not just because of your lovely personality. What part of the word "shocked" do you have a hard time understanding? I knew he had feelings for me (sorta knew it was coming) but I did not have feelings for him. I never thought he would leave his wife to be with me. It took me a better part of a year to decide whether I wanted to be in a relationship with him or not. I should have spent more time on that part I guess. Either that or you are just really reading into it.

I actually do have a very

I actually do have a very lovely personality and many friends although I certainly don't owe you that explanation. Your original post came across as much more than what you are saying now and I'm not the only one that thought so. I was giving you my OPINION as a BM who had that happen to me. That's all. To me, the word shocked means you didn't know it was coming, yet you say you 'kinda' did. That was very questionable to me, surely you can understand how I could read that?

So look, I gave you my opinion to your answer and now we can have a pissing match all day long or we can drop it. Your call.

I can understand how you

I can understand how you could read it that way, absolutely. Which is why I stated that I probably should have gone into more detail. I was trying to spare everyone an hour long story. I respect your opinion, I really do. I just don't agree with it. You don't know the whole story and neither does BM. One, she won't listen and two, her attitude towards me doesn't warrant us wasting our time trying to explain it to her. I just think that after all these years and all the things I have done for my SD's she should appreciate the fact that I'm not a nasty person trying to take over her life as BM. But she doesn't, she resents me and is jealous of me and I don't deserve that.

You're right, I certainly

You're right, I certainly don't know your story. As you state it, you don't deserve the treatment you're getting. BUT, if she thinks in her mind that you were part of the cause of her divorce she probably never will get over it. That's just pretty much a given. Yes, I'm jaded by my own situation, but I think most any woman would feel the same way. She had a history with your DH before you came along, she had probably forgiven him for many things which makes it a lot easier to forgive him again. You, nah... no reason to forgive you at all, ever.

I'm really not trying to be a bitch to you, I'm just shooting you straight from a BM's perspective.

I appreciate your honesty.

I appreciate your honesty. I'm not trying to be a bitch either. I've been called a home wrecker by BM so many times that I can take it from her. You're right though, she has no reason to forgive me and I guess I'll have to face that she never will.

Dorothy – I can see where

Dorothy – I can see where you would confuse my situation with an emotional affair. And really I think maybe DH was having an emotional affair with me, but in the beginning before the papers were filed I did not feel the same. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a saint. And yes, I have guilty feelings about what happened and mainly because I feel bad for BM. She wouldn’t/won’t let go. As much as I don’t like her now, I liked her in the beginning, felt for her. It took me a better part of a year to decide if that was the life I wanted. Obviously you know my choice…but back then it wasn’t hard. BM was different. BUT, as soon as DH moved on she became evil! }:)

I’m like you though, I regret nothing. I just celebrated my daughter’s one year birthday and I wouldn’t change the life I have now…well just BM’s attitude.

Thank you so much for your

Thank you so much for your support. Oddly enough, I can accept the fact that SHE thinks I'm the other women. I just wish she could let it go and move on for my SD's sake.

Oh Sweetie I don't think

Oh Sweetie I don't think anyone is judging you for what has happened. Like Melis said, it takes two. WSM's story has an OW that obviously has no morals or compassion for the lives that she changes. You don't sound like that kinda gal.
I just think that its a sensitive topic because the children are so young. Of course BM would be upset. Know matter how you look at it, you were just at the wrong place at the wrong time. Not that marrying your DH was wrong, but it would've been best of him to leave and file for seperation on his own without you being a catalyst.
But, what is done is done. And apparently BM has moved on too (at least physically).
Will she ever stop? Maybe. Perhaps when the kids get alittle older, and the sting of the seperation/divorce goes away. Maybe time does heal all wounds, who knows? It seems like everything has happened SO FAST.
I think it is just something you and DH will have to endure. Maybe focus on the fact that you guys have 50/50 and make the best of your time. Showing indifference to her actions will get you better results than showing anger or fighting back. Good Luck

Thank you. I don't like to

Thank you. I don't like to think I'm a catalyst for anybody's actions. But what you say makes sense.

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