The story of last night
First I need to thank all of you who posted to my blog last night - Need Help - PLEASE. I really appreciate ALL the responses. You are all a blessing and a God-send! This is the BEST place to come for support, advice, an occasional tongue-lashing if I'm wrong, you name it.
All of this garbage started Sunday when I found out that DH had given SD her 'early Christmas gift'. After he told me this, I thought about it for a while and tried to talk with him. I let him know that I just can't trust him anymore. He does things on his own and TELLS me about it after the fact, if he tells me at all. This set our week off on a turbulent slope.
Things have been tense since Sunday. I've been wanting to discuss things with him, but kept stopping myself from having the conversation because we've done this time and time again, and I just can't go through listening to the same, almost written script, yet again. When he gets home from work, I've been doing whatever I've been doing ... take a bath, adjourn to the bedroom and watch television, clean something, whatever. Just trying to keep a bit of distance so I don't go off. Last night, DH came to the bedroom door and started in on some petty little argument and when I asked him to drop it and leave me alone, he wouldn't leave. I tried to get him out of the doorway to close the door and have some peace. he wouldn't budge. I grabbed my keys and left for my parents' house to spend the night. Along the way he was leaving text messages - "go cry to mommy", "run to mommy's house". I called him, we argued, I came back.
I told him we need to divorce. He needs to figure out what it is that he wants regarding shared custody, what are we going to do with the condo (besides lose money on it now), and figure out what he wants out of this. I sat at the computer and gooogled 'divorce attorneys'. Turns out, in my state, you have to be living apart for 2 years before you can get a divorce. Wonderful. While I was searching on the computer, he came to me again and brought up SD and this birth control bill issue AGAIN. We argued about it for well over an hour. This topic has gotten much more attention than it deserves. But he won't drop it. To him, this is the root of our problem. That I "let SD and BM come into our marriage". HUH? I told him repeatedly that the issue is trust, not BM or SD, but trust. BM and SD are just a symptom and trust is the issue. That he does what he wants and 'notifies' me of it later. We argued for so long my throat was sore.
He referred to some of my blogs on here. OK, so apparently he's snooping on a site where I post. But I can't snoop through the cell bill to find out what's going on. Whatever. I'm fine with whatever he's read on here. I have absolutely nothing to hide and whatever is on here is junk that we've discussed or argued about already anyway. So read on. He said that the blog regarding the birth control bill was skewed toward my version of things. I was pissed. I told him that if I were to include all details of it, there wouldn't be enough room on the page! So I said "let's post your version and see what shakes out". So I started last night's blog. That blog was in HIS words. He stood over my shoulder as I typed it. HIS WORDS! When it was done, I posted it. I told him that he'd be getting a pounding from it in the morning - BECAUSE HE'S WRONG! It's just a reiteration of what I posted when it happened a few weeks ago. Low and behold, the pounding has come. A reply came in shortly after it was posted, and the response was the same as when I blogged about it the first time. He still refused to see that he's wrong. He's just too thick headed to understand.
So now I find myself looking for an appraisal on the condo this morning, having to get an attorney to get out of this marriage, and needing to find a job, any job, any employer who will hire a 5 months pregnant woman. Can this possibly get any worse? I just can't take the 'I'll stick by BM and SD no matter what', 'SD is my daughter and I'll always be there for her' attitude. Oh, and he also told me last night that when he gave SD the gift cards, he didn't get any kind of thank you from her. Although, I don't know why he's surprised. I'm sure not! He's not planning on inviting his kids over for Christmas this year. He will visit them at SS's place. That's the best thing I've heard all week!
- stepoff's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
What in world is he
What in world is he thinking! He needs to realize that his adult kids from his first marriage are grown and he started a new family with you. His first responsibility should be to be there to raise his young children that actually need him instead of catering to spoiled adult children! He should have asked you before he took it upon himself to give out gift cards that you took the time to purchase. If your joint budget is tight he should also discuss giving any extra money to adult step kids with you before he does it. This is what you do when you are in a relationship where you respect each other! It is only common courtesy.
I am so sorry you find yourself in this predicament. Have you tried getting outside help from a maarrige counselor? I wish you the best and I hope for your and your children's sake he comes around!
NMF1, are you sure this is
NMF1, are you sure this is what you want to do? I don't want you to stay in a situation that is no good for you, but maybe you guys are hitting a rough patch? Would counseling help? Forgive me if I don't know your whole back story. But do you really want to throw in the towel? Maybe wait for things to calm down alittle?
I'm so sorry for you honey,
I'm so sorry for you honey, you don't need this drama right now, what a jerk your husband is, he needs to grow a pair and let his grown up doughter to take her of herself, I know this is really hard but why don't you take some time off, spend a weekend with your parents, let him think about how is he acting and how stupid he is.
Finding a marriage counselor its a good idea, I hope all this works out for you.
Your H is an idiot. I
Your H is an idiot.
I agree with LindaL, he really needs to grow a pair, and pull up his big boy panties and realize that his kid is an ADULT and needs to start acting like one.
I would also suggest counseling, but I think your H is too sure he's right to listen to anyone but himself. Personally, I'm not sure you're getting enough out of this relationship to stay in it. Maybe you need to leave and take some time to figure out if you'd be better off that way. As my grandma used to say, "Better to be alone than in bad company."
UCSM (BB)
"No matter how cynical I get, it's never enough." - Lily Tomlin
You're ALL right! gianna,
You're ALL right! gianna, no, this is not what I want. This is nothing close to what I expected when I got married. Our kids don't deserve this. And to get a divorce would be like waving the white flag to BM and SD. They win. But we've been here before and I've heard all of this before. This is a nightmare merry-go-round that just won't stop. Around and around we go! Just got off a 40 min conversation with DH. He says he knows he's wrong and he's "working on it". I also just found out what SD's reaction was when he told her we were pregnant over the phone. "Are you kidding". Nice, huh? Guess I didn't expect anything positive from her anyway. I guess counseling would help. I just don't want him to give the counselor lip-service too, and then revert back to the same-old same-old.
I hope you get into the
I hope you get into the details of "he knows he's wrong and he's working on it".
I would have him relay back exactly what was wrong, just to make sure he knows the "what" of what went wrong, that you are both on the same page, because men have this way of saying stuff like that just to calm you down, so that they can move on to watching TV or better yet, make-up sex.
Also, I'd give him a few days or a week or whatever amount of time necessary for him to give some specific workable solutions. "I'm working on it" is also another way to put you off his case, while he puts off solving the problem, so that everything is hunky-dory -- Until the Next Episode!
With the counselor, make it
With the counselor, make it really clear what would be an acceptable outcome for you to stay in the marriage. I did that with my ex, he got deep in debt behind my back, promised to pay it off but didn't over five years that I carried 90% of the bills (not his credit though). I was at the end of my rope so if our marriage was going to survive, he had to meet certain conditions. One was going to a counselor to find out why he had a spending problem. He also had to get a plan and stick to it to pay off that debt. Well, in his case, he didn't do any of that and I was all done so I got a divorce. So take some time and think about what a good marriage would look like to you. Get a clear picture. Then you can speak from that and lay it all out for the counselor and DH. Sometimes people need the help of a counselor to cut through the emotional crap and back and forth and get to the heart of the matter.
I hope for you it is the start of a new beginning, especially since you are pregnant!! Hugs!
Thanks Lizzie. I've been
Thanks Lizzie. I've been thinking about that; what it is that I'd like to happen. The funny thing is, this is all fixable stuff. It's not like he was caught cheating, or forging my name on a 2nd mortgage, or anything majorly life-altering. I just need him to get it through his bone-head that this is not acceptable anymore. At 20 years old, SD still can't her life together, and he runs in to pick up the pieces. I've just had it with that.
I am so sorry you are going
I am so sorry you are going through all of this NMF. Think things through, and you will be in my thoughts. I need to go read your post from last night. I have not been on much lately...
DISbelief~
~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~
Aw, thanks Dis! I'm taking
Aw, thanks Dis! I'm taking the time to think through all of this. It's nothing that can't be resolved, but we have to BOTH want to resolve it. And when it does get resolved, NOT EVER bring this garbage up again, cuz it's just tooooooo old!
I hear you... you can't love
I hear you... you can't love enough, respect enough or fight for your marriage enough for both of you. He has to want it too.
Maybe wait until you are both CALM, and in decent moods before you start talking about it. Hey, some ladies on here have talked about "fighting naked" lol... might be worth a shot!
DISbelief~
~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~
I'll reiterate what I said
I'll reiterate what I said on your other post.
I think your pregnancy hormones are raging and making teeny grains of sand into insurmountable pyramids. In a year, I think you will look back on this as totally unnecessary stress.
I also think your DH is a teeny bit of a prick and needs a little lesson in sensitivity. But given a restructuring of the way you two manage finances and stepchildren, I don't see any reason you can't make your marriage work NMF...
That probably has a lot to
That probably has a lot to do with it too... maybe a mountain out of a molehill... I think she is trying to step back today and get some perspective on it all...
I still wouldn't want to pay for my adult child's birth control though. I can understand THAT compeletly... NMF, hang in there... you will get through this. You need to go get a prego mamma massage!!
DISbelief~
~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~
Me neither. In another blog
Me neither. In another blog post of hers I suggested she and her H have a family account, but that they also give each other an equal amount of money to blow on whatever they want... no questions asked.
If her DH wants to pay for the pill for SD while she gets weekly pedicures, nobody gets hurt, nobody complains and nobody's slighted.
EEEEwwwww... I like that! We
EEEEwwwww... I like that! We have joint account, so I don't really have that problem... but good suggestion!
DISbelief~
~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~
I don't think it's
I don't think it's necessarily pregnancy hormones. We keep having this same argument over and over again regarding SD growing up and taking responsibility for herself. It's been going on since she turned 18 and I could see this coming even then. This is just the latest round of issues. And this isn't the first time we've had to practically chase her to pay her own bill. She's done this before. Obviously what DH is doing in regard to 'handling it' with her isn't working.
This is fixable, we realize that. But it's got to be fixed now before any more resentment builds up and wedges between us.
Resentment is a b*tch.
Resentment is a b*tch. Money is not the number one relationship killer, resentment is.
I wish you the best with your situation, I hope it works out the way you want it too...*hugs*
"To us, family means putting your arms around each other and being there." ~Barbara Bush
It is all fixable. I'd go
It is all fixable. I'd go to a marriage counselor before throwing in the towel. Him saying things like "go run to your mommy" is uber immature though. Is that how he typically handles things? if so, he should meet the hellish bm I deal with. They would get along.
Never make a serious
Never make a serious decision when angry. I know its hard , i know its the same damn fight. Calm down. Sit down , speak with him and basically draw a very clear line or the next step is divorce. He can see this as a serious forwarning. Lay down the lines.
1. You are NEVER to discuss the same damn shit...ie his daughter not paying her bills, its over.
Make it clear to him that you NEVER want to see a bill ever again with her name on it or have anythign to do with this ADULT irresponsible person.
2. You are to NEVER fight over the issue of stepdaughter because
a. she's an adult
b. she does not live at your house.
c. you are not responsible in any way shape or form for this adult person.
d. do not involve yourself in anyway.
3. He is NEVER to rehash the past concerning his daughter or exwife in any form
THis is his past life. COMPLETELY HIS PAST. His daughter is 21, an adult and not your responsibility. So why should she cause you emotional anguish. Tell him its HIS RESPONSIBILITY. to keep this crap away from you because you will nto tolerate it anymore. You have a new family to deal with and do nto have to arrange anything around his past life.
Thats the beauty of yoru relationship. The daughter is an adult who doesn't live with you and its up to your dh to separate this from the household an dkeep his new kids safe from all this drama.
Now if he doesn't do this, then i dont blame you for divorce BUT, give birth first, save some money, get a job, have your newborn old enough for daycare...yes , this means another year or so of this crap. Then you can seriously decide to leave. It gives the situation time , your kids grow up a little more, save money, etce..etc...you need time for you to be in a better position for you to seriously leave.
so for now, you give your marriage and actually your dh a chance.
Main rule for him: KEEP HIS SD AND BM CRAP OUT OF THE NEW FAMILY BUSINESS COMPLETELY AND KEEP THE ISSUES TO HIMSELF. YOU NEVER WANT TO HEAR OR SEE ABOUT IT AGAIN. UNLESS HIS SD BECOME RESPONSIBLE AND CHANGES HER WAYS.
I made this very clear with my dh and his kids are not that old, they're in their teens. Good kids but i basically told him i want no drama, keep the schedual direct and clear and i dont want ot juggle my schedual around anyone...so wheni make plans, i dont care who;s weekend it is, it happens whether they are here or not...if they're not...too bad, if they are, be civil and be nice. Which they are. thank God!
Your husband is the issue. I know they can be stubborn. if you want to divorce,nothing wrong there. but wait for the appropriate time for yourself and kids. You owe that time to yoruself.