Welcome Suffering....

Unfortunately, I don't know what to say. I can only wonder if you could try the one approach I don't see you have listed... and that is

* Mr. PARENT - That's the guy who has advice, does pay for some goodies... but also gets to PARENT those brats when they need it. The guy who gets to lay down the law of how thing will be in HIS HOUSE and how HE DESERVES to be respected as an adult, and as a parental figure.

Of course, Mr. Parent needs Mrs. Parent to back him up. Without her support, he cannot wage this war.

You'll see a lot of blogs about skids and how miserable they are on this website. But the common ground is that for the most part, the kids weren't BORN this way. They were raised and spoiled this way. Your issue may seem like it's with your SD, but in actuality, it's somewhat with your wife. She has allowed this to continue. She has allowed you to be treated poorly by her children.

In my opinion, please turn your attention on your wife and your wife's actions when you speak up for yourself or for your role as "man of the house". If she doesn't support you - that's a huge chunk of the problem. You need to get her on your side. Because if she doesn't show you the love, respect and support in front of them.. you will have a very very hard time ever getting it from them.

Best wishes to you! Welcome to ST!

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

I have to second Stick on the Mr. Parent option. And welcome, sufferingbastard. I'm sure you'll find tons of good advice and support here.

I grew up in a step-family and my own step-father could have written your blog. He was given no power to parent me and could only stand in the sidelines, seething with resentment. This caused us all unnecessary pain. In my family now, my partner is given 100% authority over my kid (14) and we are actively co-parenting together. It's difficult beyond words, especially given the kid's many disorders and behaviours. We don't agree on everything but we do spend a lot of time discussing how things will be handled (out of earshot of the kid). And we never disagree with each other in front of her. In my opinion, this is the only hope we have for success.

As for his children, I feel the same way you do about my own step-children. They hate me and I can't stand to be around them. FH botched his part of the blending of our families so badly, by allowing his children to disrespect me and mistreat my child, by never granting me authority in my own home, and by never addressing their very strong emotions around the whole issue, that they don't even visit him here. Mind you, they're also being given permission to treat me like dirt and their father like a walking wallet by their bio-mother.

From my experience, you have only two options that will save your sanity and chance of future happiness; you can walk away, or you can sit down with your wife (and without the kids around) and discuss how you will co-parent these kids. You must have authority in your home and you and your wife must present a united front. Of course, this will only work if you follow Stick's advice and direct your upset where it belongs - on your wife's shoulders and not against the kids you can't stand. Otherwise it will just cause you and your wife more grief and cause more damage to the children.

I feel for you. It's a bad situation but it can improve with hard work. I wish you luck.

At 42, I should know better, too

Trying all those different ways to cooperate with your SD's indicates to me that you are considerate of all household members. Now, if they could just return the favor ......

I have to agree with the comments about BioParents, they have to stop feeling guilty about the divorce, stop trying to be the kid's friend and enforce the rules.

Best of luck to you

We're in the same boat. We should talk!!! I am slowly realizing that the blame IS on my wife...not her kid. My wife is empowering the kid, and disempowering me. My anger at the kid is misplaced, and my resentment towards her mom is slowly but surely growing. Its a shame, because I love this woman so much. But she just WILL NOT hear of me parenting the kid, because the kid cries foul every time I try ( I have much higher standards than her mom).

I could have written your blog at one point! My SDs do not have ADHD, but I used to get very irritated with them.

Is your SD with ADHD getting professional help? If she's not, then she should be. I don't know if you and your wife have considered marriage counseling, but it could help you both to get on the same page on all issues.

I agree with stick!!! yes, what does your wife do? Does she defend you , support you, put her duaghters in their place. If your wife doesnt' have your back then your name fits you quite well. Sorry to hear.
I would do a combination of things on your part. Partially disengage but be a very stern with her in regards to your personal space and being.
In other words, throw it back in her face. I know your 45!!! but heck i'm in my thirties and i throw things back in my sd face if she is ever rude to me...but she is not...she rather attack her dad. My friend says she is scared of me:) lol....she's seen me throw people out of my house, tell of her dad straight on about her behaviour and i've told her i wotn take crap from any human being. Not even my own family. Either you respect me or fuck off.
I think she actually like me.....evne though i dont trust her..just gutt feeling...sorry i'm rambling..need more coffee! way too early..
ok...more questions..
What does she do or say????

I feel your pain sufferingbastard (love the name btw). I too have an inconsiderate, selfish, selfcentered SD that has tried to wreck havoc in the household. I don't allow it. I've gone through all the steps you have as well, and the one everyone else mentioned Mr. Parent. I was told "You're not my dad" as her BD is active and very present in her life and he encourages her to act out and rebel against my wife and I. My response, I may not be your dad but I will be respected in my house and my rules will be followed. It hasn't been met with open arms and truthfully she tries to play divide and conquer to get her way as always, but she's starting to see that it gets none here and is thus causing a mild strain between wife and I. She is one of those "guilty" parents and gives this child everything which has also contributed to this childs current state. I tell her that she and her ex are truly to blame for this child being the way she is. It's also not too late for her to be taught manners, respect and how an 11 year old should act. This is where the whole second class feeling you mentioned seems to come about because no matter how hard my wife tries, she winds up giving into this child because she knows what buttons to push. Its sickening...she can't even wake up and get herself dressed in the morning to go to school because she wants her "mommy to dress me". I have 4 other kids younger that need help to get ready for school and SHEs the one who gets the help. This site is great for venting and seeing that you are not alone in feeling this way. I myself have looked at many of the posts here and am thankful because I do try and find things to try that I haven't in the hopes of making it work out better because I do love my wife...I just don't like her kid. Good Luck to you!

I would only pay for things if they deserve it. You go to work and EARN your money. Kids can earn what they get as well. They can show respect and be kind or they get nothing! That's how I'd play it. Tell them how it's gonna be, or tell them your wallet is closed. End of story!