I love this and totally agree. I have not been here long but found that while it can be such a comfort, there are times when I feel like being here and being allowed and sometimes I feel even encouraged to vent creates more of a chasm rather than solving the problem. And I genuinely hope that rather than a misery loves company attitude, I'd really love to see everyone being able to one day no longer need this site.

SMJ - I'm not mad at you at all. I completely respect your opinion on this and understand how you feel. However, I have a real toad-load to carry and sometimes it's incredibly helpful to unload my thoughts here than in real life. This site works as my brain to mouth filter.

In my case, sd14 (aka step-demon) earned her moniker. Her counselor told us in court that she planned, each and every awful thing she did to me, to DH and to our home. DH and I were of the opinion that it was UberSkank pushing her and plotting these situations. He was devastated when he found out his own child would consciously make these kinds of decisions without prompting from the master manipulator.

It no longer matters whose fault it is that she turned out this way, blaming DH and Uber doesn't change the situation. Treating her with love and respect only earned me emotional torture and a huge kick in the teeth. Showing her patience and trying to help her and be her ally earned me a cleaver in the back.

She will remain step-demon on StepTalk, until I see a real change in our situation. She is immature but she is no longer a child. She has made some adult decisions in the last year that will affect her the rest of her life. To me...this is no kid.

Hope the posts stay to under 100.

“Be like a duck. Calm on the surface, but always paddling like the dickens underneath.”
Michael Caine

Sometimes Jen..

I wish I had the self preservation to do it myself. It might be therapeutic at times.

The nicknames used to bother me but...

Now?

Letting what someone does on here to vent their own personal situation get on my nerves seems petty. So while I understand the sentiment, I don't agree anymore. To each his own when you are venting about your own.

I still don't choose to participate, but have at it for those who do. Now if the nicknames got really gross, then ok. Time to stop. And perhaps I'm not on here enough to notice, but I haven't seen any that bad. Just goofy and personal to the poster for whatever reason.

I've been down that road too. I used to write in my diary about my skids with names, and BM was "Ms. Trunchbull."

Looking back, calling them those names in my diary made me feel good because I'd get this evil and sadistic internal satisfaction, and thinking of them by those names only increased my bad feelings toward them.

Through therapy, I came to realize that it's not the kids' fault. It's BM's fault for PAS and DH's fault for not being a good parent. He let the kids get away with too much.

stepmomjen, i do agree that name calling is immature and wrong. but, as a guilty party, i must say that steptalk may be the ONLY place some have to go to vent. yes, these are kids, and yes we need to blame the parents. but....we can only take so much. and i comend everyone for venting on this site instead of to their skids. casue that would be wronger (lol had to put a funny there).

on the same note, YOU are using this site for what it was intended for, to vent. so...i think no one is 100% wrong or 100% right.

I have never given ss a nick name. I didn't give birth to him but he is my son just the same. I am here because I hate the whore that gave my son life, the one who doesn’t give a damn about him. And to her yes she has a nick name that both my dh and I refer to her as (CFW) im sure you can figure out what it stands for. I came to this site so I can vent and know that I am not alone that other people have crazy ex’s just like we do. I came to this site so I can vent to people who don’t know me instead of venting to my family or to my poor husband who has no control what that bitch does. I’m a better mother and wife when I can get things off my chest and not be mad all the time, it’s not stirring the pot. I feel it quite therapeutic and im less likely to go shoot CFW.

Oh my sweet sweet darling Jen..... I absolutely without a doubt love you to pieces! I completely understand what you are saying here. These are CHILDREN!!! Yes, if someone talked crap about MY perfectson like I've heard some do here, they wouldn't know what hit them. I would rip their eyes out of their head! I agree completely that there DOES come an age of accountability, and I don't know if you can put a number on it, some kids hit it earlier than others.

The nicknames, yah I don't like most of them either, but I have a hard time swallowing the pure hatred of CHILDREN that I read here. I promise you, without a doubt, that no matter how much I loved my DH, SO, BF, whatever..... if I truly hated their child I would pack up and walk away. Let someone else have a chance with that child who might be able to give them what they need if I couldn't do it.

Badmouth the BMs and EHs all you want here as far as I'm concerned. They are grown-ups and are fair game! But I would love to see us all focus more on at least TRYING to LIKE these kids if you don't or can't love them. What a blessing that would be on all of us if we could try to really inspire each other to do what is right for these kids, no matter how bad it might make us feel. I'm a grown-up. I can take getting my feelings hurt, but kids?????? We are also helping shape the type of adults these children are growing up to be. I want to know that one day, even many many years in the future, even if I'm not here to see it, my SDs are going to think 'Wow, WSM put up with a lot of BS she didn't have to, but she really only wanted the very best for us and she must have really loved us.' I think that is a great goal for all of us.

When I was making the switch from one message board to this one, I'll be honest... I thought a lot of the nicknames were horrible and I almost didn't join. But it dawned on me that posters were simply writing the things that I was only thinking in my head. That sometimes, not all the time, it was just a relief to get out the frustrations. I doubt that posters are calling these children these names in person, so it doesn't bother me like it use to.

One of the ways I look at it is to compare it to some of the things I know and understand. For example, I went to school for fire science. I heard a lot of horror stories about fires or paramedic runs. A lot of firefighters and EMS will actually make jokes about various situations, even if it involves death. A person torn apart by an accident may have a limb picked up and waved around. It sounds horrible and crude but it is a coping mechanism. If these people didn't make light of horrible situations, no one would be able to do their job because of all the heartache.

While that is an extreme example, I see it as being similar. I may joke about my pseudo skid with my friends, but it's because sometimes the pressure and stress from being in a step situation is so crushing that I feel as though I can't breathe. That the weight will destroy me. It may not be completely appropriate but it relieves some of the feeling of complete hopelessness. And I would never, ever say anything in front of skid to hurt his feelings. I never joke with my friends about him in front of or even near my bf because it would be hurtful to him. Maybe the nicknames are simply a coping mechanism?

(P.S. Of course everything I wrote is moot if someone is name calling children to their face to be mean spirited)

"I have always loved the time before dawn because there is no one around to remind me who I am suppose to be, so it is easier to remember who I am." - unknown

I agree. The nicknames aren't great. But atleast I stuck with "Tortoise" and didn't go with "Ted Bundy". And I think calling him "Tortoise" is a lot nicer than calling him "Asshole" which is what he acts like most of the time. And yes, I blame FH and the Blind Whore for the way he is. Mostly the Blind Whore's fault. But I've been trying to get him to behave better and not be such a spoiled brat. I know one day, it will all sink in. But, until then, he will be the "Tortoise" to me. And I don't see anything wrong with that.

Ok, I understand what your saying I just don't know if it's true. BBB have your feelings about SD changed since you stopped using a nickname for her? I haven't used one so I am not sure what it feels like but would be interested to hear from BBB since she did and now does not.

My cast of characters:

SD11 formerly known as Snowshyte
SD11 used to be snowshyte for several reasons. 1.she acts so innocent and dainty hence Snowwhite 2.she’s painfully shy(hence the ‘shy’ part of the nickname) 3.just my own darling boy, she’s a lil shit at times

My son(7) ChooChoo
He is known as choochoo and will ALWAYS be known as choochoo bc he’s like my own personal train that never stops for anyone or anything.

My husband: Dr.Mchottiepants…..well, this just IS what it IS;)

BM: TheFrizz
I changed Bm to TheFrizz because I wouldn’t want to walk around being called a friggin BM(bowel movement) simply because I birthed a child. So I came up with the kindest nickname I could muster, TheFrizz in tribute to her unruly hair.

Me: bitchbitchbarbie
Seriously, is that nickname flattering to me in ANY WAY?? NOPE, absolutely not. Who wants to be told they’re a bitch bitch barbie???? A funny thing they say about Barbie is if she’s so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends… I gave that name to myself because I KNOW at the time I joined this site I was just here to bitch about what an awful hand I was dealt in ending up with a stepchild like mine and a BM like TheFrizz. I wasn’t here to get help and advice when I joined, I was here to commiserate and BITCH. I didn’t think advice could save me. I was too proud and too much of a know-it-all little girl to listen to anyone tell me that *GASP* “I” could be a huge part of my own problem.

I changed her from Snowshyte to just SD11 for a few reasons:
1.It was hurtful to my husband who occasionally reads things on ST
2. It really didn’t suit her anymore once I hit my turning point
3. I haven’t come up with a better name for her yet so she’ll remain SD11

I started off hateful,wretched and selfish so Snowshyte was a perfect name for the time. My feelings have changed to something that isn’t love and can’t be labeled as a fondness for SD11 but it’s a hell of a lot better than the hate I used to feel. So I can’t use Snowshyte anymore…it’s from a time of darkness for me and I don’t care to be in the dark anymore.
Nickname your stepchildren whatever you want. Just try to remember you ARE speaking about the child of someone you love dearly. Some nicknames are cute, some are funny, and some are just plain evil. But it comes from whatever frame of mind you’re in about your situation and if you’re here to grow and improve I can’t fault you for whatever dark place your head is in at the moment.

I have a handful of women here that I simply ADORE. Do I agree with everything that flows onto their blog from their heated little fingers??? Nope. But I do respect them and therefore they’ve earned their right to say whatever they want and be offended or not offended by whatever they want.

“Step parenthood” is a sisterhood( AND a brotherhood) …sisters and brothers don’t always see eye to eye but they’re still there for each other.

Just be careful with that privilege though and don’t abuse it by never showing the desire to change and grow. If you don’t adapt and look within yourself, you’ll just keep wading in that stagnant poisonous pool of stepparent hell.

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." ~Judy Garland

I agree about the name calling. I may think SD16 is a PITA, but I would never stoop to calling her names. Names hurt, and I know. SD16 and her maternal grandmother came up with a lovely, very negative variation on my name, and I found that out because SD16 put it in a school paper. Nice!

I also agree that typically the negative posts get MUCH more attention than those asking for help. I think some people are just so caught up in their venting, they can't see how to ask for help in a more constructive way.

Don't we all have nicknames here, anyway? :? I love Droopy and Zippy and Choo Choo. And SDs and SSs etc. etc. etc. Doesn't mean I can't vent my anger with them or support anyone else's right to do so. This is a safe place for it. Just my 2 cents.

Thanks for posting this Jen. This is the reason I've taken 'hiatus' from this site. It's too filled with negativity, hipocracy, bitchiness and hatred. Since I've been gone, my mood has changed for the better.

There are some great people on this site. There are also some rotten people on here. Sorry, there just are, and it's depressing. We are the adults in the step-parent relationship. We need to behave as such. Name calling, bitching about petty things, looking down one's nose at a CHILD, it's just all SOOO WRONG! Some of the posters on here are looking at divorce if they don't/can't change their attitude.

I have occassionally referred to my sds as crazy, or psycho psally. I'm guilty as charged. I don't apologize for it, b/c at the time, that's how I felt. I am a big believer in feeling everything you can in the moment, then never apologizing for it. Of course, that doesn't mean that I have ever said it to them....nor would I ever!

Other than outwardly atrocious nicknames, I think we all should have aliases for the kiddos on here. It helps keep track of all the ones we talk about. How many sd11s do we have on here? Which one poops in her pants? Which one is a cleptomaniac? Did another one draw a pretty picture for her SM? My memory is horrible and reading previous blogs from everyone to keep my kid facts straight is so time consuming.

SMJ, I admire your braveness on speaking out about something that would cause feather ruffling. I can see your point somewhat however not so much with the petnames. I get more distressed by the few SMs on ST admitting horrible ways to get even with thier skids. Skids who are obviously damaged from their parents misgivings.

Me personally, BBB's petname for SD was kinda cute. It depicted her SD's querky personality. Nicknaming a child DemonChild is okay too. Not as cute but we get an idea why the child is labeled as such--Most of us take the reference with a grain of salt. Others, like yourself perhaps, don't like names of that nature for any reason; it sounds like name-calling. Just like some people don't like swear words. They sound offensive.

I think most people on here know that the skids aren't to blame for the way they are. There are those few who don't but I role with the punches...and sometimes throw out a few. If it gets too much I step away for a while.

This thread feels more like a self righteous one to me. I don't name my stepchildren here but I can understand it when people do. It helps them to release some of their frustration without hurting the skids feelings or causing strife in their real lives. I think that is part of the TOS of this site.

Just because something works for you smj, doesn't mean it is the same salve that will heal someone else. Some people actually get it out of their systems by writing things down. Before there was anything like this, we called that journaling. I can remember writing negative things myself about my life and the people in it at different times as I have aged. I would write the most terrible things about how I felt about something and then burn it. It was very theraputic for me. I think this is the same premise only now it is in a public forum and people comment, positively or negatively and the writer gets what they need out of it and dismisses the rest.

I actually love all the nicknames...its the only way for me to remember specific situations! I know who Blabb is, I know who Droopy is, I know who Choochoo is, etc...without the names, all the SDs and SSs run together. I have never come up with nicknames for SS or BM, because I simply don't think about them enough to do so. But other people's nicknames distinguishes them from the rest, they are the "stories" I remember most and can follow!

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"