The first thing that BF and I do is not having private discussions while the skids are around. If a discussion is necessary, we will send the kids outside to play and go in a room privately to discuss.

We don't have anything in our drawers that are within reach to open. Anything that doesn't need to be seen is put up in a high place.

We don't allow the children to just walk in our bedroom, the rule is they have to knock and given permission to walk in before entering.

But even trying to be careful, kids will come to their own conclusions about things or take things out of context. And sometimes that's just not preventable. You can't walk around on egg shells because of what other's might think, that is no way to live, and I have found that no matter what you do, there will still be people who don't agree or view you in a negative light.

My daughter came home one day upset because of a name she was called by another little girl at school. I called my daughter a "table"....she laughed and said "Mommy, I'm not a TABLE!" I simply said, "I know dear, and you see how ridiculous and silly it sounds when YOU know you're not a table either?"

My point is, who cares what ppl say or think.....YOU know who you are, and what you stand for....anything else is just silly.

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“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”

We have the same problem. My skids tell their BM their version of everything that happens. Whether it is a breif spat or an argument between Dh and I - in our room behind closed doors...they tell some version of it...usually with me being vilian of the story.

I have to make sure to put up any bills, court papers, personal info before they come for the week. They snoop and report on everything.

My DH also has a hard biting his tongue around them or saving things to be discussed later on account of his "little ears" listening. I hate it.

"God grant me the serenity accept the things I cannot change; the strength to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."

What is it that you are so worried that they will report to BM?

We have a rule in our home and that is NO CHILDREN are allowed in our bedroom unless we specifically send them there to retrieve something or otherwise give permission. This is something that you and your husband have to set as a household rule and enforce it.

People argue. It is sometimes very healthy to do so. I wouldn't suggest having an all out war in front of your skids, but if it is just an argument, I wouldn't worry about it. The children are with you guys probably 4 nights a month. I'm sure it won't be hard to wait to address arguments until the children are gone.

As far as financial secrecy. I have my own bank account and my husband and I share an account for household finances. We file our taxes separately as well. My husband's x doesn't know anything financial about me as hard as she's tried to get information. Once my husband has no more child support obligations, I may reconsider the personal accounts, but until then, I want my privacy.

The best advice that I can give you is to stop worrying what other people think, live your own life the way that you see fit living it. You will only drive yourself nuts if you keep worrying what BM thinks about you. Who cares what she thinks.

I would suggest having the talk you plan on having, not ever fighting in front of the kids, and do not tell them anything they don't absolutely need to know!

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

DH and I have codes...when I'm pissed about something I signal him that it's time to go talk ASAP. Or I wait til kids are in bed and we have the discussion in the basement where they can't hear us. We don't talk about plans we've made or anything with either child. And if a child sets foot in the bedroom, it better be because they're dying or bleeding and have to find an adult in there. Or if *I* invite them in which rarely happens.
We bought our house when it was being built so after we moved in, SD would report every single friggin thing we were doing to get it in order. BM knew we slept on an air mattress for like a month while we waited for our bedroom set to be available for delivery...
But whatever your skids are telling BM just remember you don't have anything to prove to her. You have a version of the life she wants and it is a million times better than she could ever dream about.
In regard to the made up stories well that is BM's and the town's stupidity if they can't tell a child is fibbing. This is one area of my life I used to struggle with and I always said to my husband "NOTHING IS SACRED IN THIS HOUSE!!" But I've learned that I have no choice but to let TheFrizz into my life just like she has no choice but to allow me into hers via SD saying things like,"mommy just bought thanksgiving dinner bc she was too lazy to cook it." Hey,at least Barbie cooks,right?! lol, you gotta chill about the privacy thing honey because for the most part it is out of your control. Just make skids visit as happy and smooth as possible and they'll go home with a whole new outlook to spew onto BM.

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." ~Judy Garland

We've had a HUGE problem with SD15 (and SD12 a while back) reporting EVERYTHING that we do, but it was always manipulated to make them look like victims and like DH and I were horrible people. So BM calls us one day and was like, "the SD's called me last night and said that you and Love were ignoring them and partying outside with your friends...and getting DRUNK!!!!" BM is a crazy lesbian who is also an obsessed Baptist, so she has sex with other women (whie married to DH) yet DRINKING is SO BAD that she would NEVER, EVER do THAT!!!! So, whenever DH and I have a drink in our own home, the kids flip out and "tell on us".

The actual story was...I had just had my cancer surgery and another couple (friends of ours) stopped by to bring by a dessert and have a beer and just basically check on me. They are always lying and twisting stories to report back to BM. It's sick. The SD's have to have ALL attention paid to them at ALL times or they flip. They are used to BM giving up her whole life for them and whenever they are with her they are her SOLE FOCUS to the point of freakishness, actually. She is literally obsessed with her kids, because they are all she has. She has them believing that drinking is horrble and people who do it are going to hell, she would never sin because she is perfect so the kids have to be perfect too, she is a master liar and manipulator and has the kids believing that she has stayed single all these years and will forever, for THEM (even though it's a huge lie, she just doesn't want them to find out she is gay.) The kids play right into her crazy issues...because they feel that she is the "victim" in all this and they have to protect her...like two little dogs or something. WEIRDO'S!!!

Love :o

**Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!**

While they are coming and going unfortunately, you will not have 100% privacy. You can have SOME privacy if you don't allow them in certain places, etc...or if when they come, you take them out as much as possible so that they spend very little time in your house...I also stopped the going to family or friends get togethers because stuff even went from those places to BM...I couldn't tell everyone, "hey, don't ask me how my vacation was or don't ask me about my new whatever, etc...etc..." It was way too exhausting...so we attempted to just do pick up, go out, even if just walk around malls, parks, whatever...so that by the time we were home, it was just time to sleep...while living out of the country we just took her to a hotel for the weekend...unfortunately stupid DH allowed her ONE NIGHT into our home and that was enough for her to run to mommy and mommy to come ask for more money in CS...DH learned his lesson after that...

Good luck...I remember just being sick to my stomach everytime she walked into my room and snooped...hmmm...I did then also tell DH that from now on I would snoop through her stuff...which I did on at least 2ocassions...and I would ask about the stained clothes, the school papers that were in spanish, although she was born in the US and had no reason to be going to a bilingual program, etc...he also finally got it and stopped allowing her into my room or any other room that was not absolutely necessary...

I'm a veteran and I have no wisdom here. Probably they are being rewarded by being little spies. When the Ex thrives on negative information..whatever the reason...morbid fascination, regrets, competetiveness...they are getting a payoff, the kids, because that's what BM is wanting from them...the dirt. I've found that kids will actually make it up or slant innocent or positive stuff in the direction that gets them that payoff from BM. I don't know that there is anything you can do about it if she continues to provide the incentive. You could have the discussion with them, but in my experience, that goes back to BM too, with embellishments...I purposefully try to never tell my kids to keep secrets because I think it would actually backfire. Sorry, I know this is not helpful...but maybe provides a little insight. This is a topic in all divorce education classes...using the kids as messengers...rewarding the spy...etc...you might be able to find references online about it. This stuff has to be respected by both sides to work...but I guess maybe you could try reverse psychology...always discourage the behaviour in the reverse and voice how you disapprove. My biokids get very upset at my disapproval...sometimes all I have to do is tell them I'm disappointed in them and why and I don't have to do anything else because they feel like crap they let me down.