Christmas visit ...
In late October, I posted that DH have given SD20 her Christmas present early. Very early. She received $100 in gift certificates, along with $80 for a prescription that we paid for her. She was supposed to pay it back. Since she never did, I had considered that the remainder of her Christmas loot. However, I (personally) would feel like a heel if she received nothing at Christmastime. We bought her a very nice bracelet, one that I myself would love to have. This goes against my previous blog stating that 'she's done for Christmas'. But I had to do SOMETHING.
SD has also not been "welcome" here in our home for several months because of her negative attitude toward me. DH and I both agreed on that and she hasn't been here in months. The negative attitude includes; no 'hello' or acknowledgement of me whatsoever when she visited (wouldn't even LOOK at me), talking shit about me to DH while I was out one night around Easter, her refusal to grow up in general, getting her mom to attack us via phone to pay SD's bills, etc. It's been quiet and pleasant since the 'no visit' rule.
DH brought up the holiday yesterday. Asked if I would be okay with SD and SS visiting here for Christmas. I have no problem with SS visiting. I would actually enjoy that. I have done all of the shopping for SS and his GF, and would love to see them open their gifts. However, it's the thought of SD that makes me uneasy. What signal are we sending if we allow her back here after the crap she pulled on us this year. There have been heated arguements regarding SD. But when she's not around, we are great, happy, serene. I fear that allowing her back here will only make the tension resurface.
I haven't heard of any remarkable changes in SD. She quits or gets fired from job after job for her attitude, laziness, lack of work ethic, arguing with people she works with, etc. I fear that she will be losing yet another job soon after the holidays. She just started her job in late October and is scheduled to work the weekend after Christmas. But she INSISTS on going out of town with us to visit my in-laws. This means that she is doing what she does every single year. She will take the days off that she needs, regardless of the schedule or her supervisor needing her to work. And when she returns, she will either quit or get fired within 2 weeks. Happens every year. But this time it will be worse. She found a job (works at a salon) that actually offers medical insurance! Go figure. So by her leaving this job, she will also be giving up insurance coverage. I see nothing good coming from this.
So my question is ... should I cave in and allow her to visit us here for Christmas? Or should I have DH do what he's been doing for months and meet SD and SS at SS's apartment for a Christmas visit. I would stay home, of course. I'm just fearful of sending the message that what has happened this past year is/was okay and that she's welcome, yet again.
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He has told her this after
He has told her this after he gave her the early xmas gift, probably in those words. That's the reason for the crappy attitude. The gravy train stopped, so now she's pissed. Does she not realize that there are kids here in our home that need to be supported and raised thru 18? We have a mortgage, car pmts, utilities, food, insurance, etc. Everything that she doesn't have to pay. I guess that's probably why she just doesn't get it. It's hard to understand where all the money goes if YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY FOR ANYTHING YOURSELF. That's why I HOPE she'll move out on her own soon. Then maybe she'll get it. She spends her money on clothes, jewelry, makeup, and just miscellaneous crap. Just like a teenager. Her BM does the same. Well, monkey see, monkey do I guess.
She'll be REALLY pissed when she hears we got a new vehicle...BECAUSE DH WORKS HARD AND SAVES HIS MONEY. And with the baby due in March, ugh. I think this is just the calm before the storm. I'll be blogging more in the coming months, I'm sure...
I've been reading your blogs
I've been reading your blogs and the responses. Our situations are very similar. At this point, I'm trying to save myself from the years of BS that I know will go on if I don't stand my ground NOW.
Yes, DH is the only one who talks with her. I certainly don't. But if something did change in her, I know that DH would clue me into it so that I wouldn't feel this way about her. But I've heard nothing, therefore, I believe she's the same person she's always been.
I haven't tried to stop DH from having a relationship with her. She's his daughter, and I respect that. I just don't want it to occur in my home. That's why he's been meeting her at SS's apartment. I don't have to deal with it. And we also don't have to deal with her blabbing to BM about the remodeling we're doing and the 'daddy's doing so much better than mommy and that's not fair' garbage.
The one dilemma I do have is BS2. DH likes to take him on these visits. And I understand that, too. Granted, he's only 2, so there's really not much harm that she can do to him at this point. But kids start to remember things when they turn 2 1/2 - 3 yo. I'm thinking this will be the last visit for BS if SD will be there. That's sad. But I don't need SD spewing her crappy attitude and negativity of me when BS is within ear shot. She burned that bridge at Easter. That's just wrong. SD can be as bitter and pissy as she'd like, but I don't want it around my son. I think this will hurt DH, if I tell him to leave BS here during his future visits.
Some phrases that hit
Some phrases that hit home:
Our kids are afterthoughts for these grown stepchildren.
I don't want MY kids on the receiving end of SD's careless attitudes.
there is always the chance that MIL will run me down to my kids (change MIL to SD)
Absolutely how I feel. If she can't be civil, I don't want BS around her.
Your SDs are a few years older than my SD, but I see the exact same behavior coming our way in the next few years. I won't go there. I'm nipping it in the bud right now. No respect out of SD, no 'nicey-nicey' from me either. Period. And that's why I don't want BS to be around SD much. If he doesn't see SD, there won't be such a close bond, and he won't get hurt by her in the future.
DH just called from work but
DH just called from work but didn't have much time to talk. I'll discuss it later today with him. He said he hasn't made any definite plans yet tho. Thank goodness. I'm going to just suggest that they visit at SS's apt. Less stress and BS that way.
I don't think that SD and SS will ever be that close to DH and my kids tho. There's a HUGE age gap (18 years
and they don't see each other very often at all, so that will make it easier in the long run.
BTW - SD is in a race against her brother to get to the altar with her BF. With any luck, she'll be out of our hair soon. She's already spending a LOT of time with him, so that has helped recently too.
Thanks for the kind words of wisdom!!
How old are you bios?
How old are you bios?
At that age, they're already
At that age, they're already bonded with the SDs. That's too bad. Gives the SD more ammo to fire at you. That's what I want to avoid, if at all possible. Don't get me wrong. I'm not going to use BS as a pawn to get SD to behave herself. However, if she can't be decent and respectful, BS will be staying by my side. I don't want her negativity and bad attitude and manners to rub off on BS. I know I can't control everything in his life, but this is one thing that I can avoid, and plan to avoid for as long as I can. If she can show that she can change, then fine. But if not, BS won't be visiting with her, at all.
I would let her for xmas,
I would let her for xmas, and thats it. I definitely wouldn't allow her to go to the in-laws with you guys if it means she's going to get fired!
"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"
But she's 20 and will be
But she's 20 and will be riding with her brother. It's not like we can stop her. She's an ADULT that makes horrific decisions about her life, then looks to DH to bail her out every. single. time. It's old.
She's old enough to be out
She's old enough to be out the door soon, and since the gap is so large its easier for you guys. My skids at 12 and 15 ...they all love one another but i too dont want the BS influence at times and since they dontlive here and the BS is not ona daily basis , i'm ok. the visits also teach my biokid to share and he loves his siblings. Hopefully i have antoher soon and fill the house
Sd came to collect and after 24 hrs in the house said to her dad she is bored, Typical teenager...dotn blame her but it hurt my dh. Of course he took it out on me on boxing day adn i basically said, keep it up, i'll divorce you, and leave for another province. Good luck seeing your son. Is that what you want???? I told him, 'you have issues, stop taking them out on me, figure them out cause i'm not your punching bag and my level has reached the threshhold now"...His kids are nto bad at all!! Its his attitude when they come over...he gets emotional, stressed, guilt ridden, mopes around the house. I could kick him in the ARS!!! Christmas was completely A OK until the late afternoon when he went to pick up his kids. He was sour when he came back , broooding...they opened their gifts, not a single thank you!!! No excitement, just rip , open, look and drop to the next one. SS complaining that SD got more presents...etc..etc... I think if they were here in the morning they would have FREAKED on how many my son got. Hence why i never have my son wait and open with them. He's got tons of uncles and aunt's friends, who send gifts. ANd this year was toned down. ANyways...by saturday she got into a spat with my dh and said she wants to leave early. So my dh is just boiling, found him crying twice yesterday because i told him last week, if she comes she will come to collect and leave by sunday. I was right, but i feel really bad for him.BUT He treated me like a turd on saturday!! all because of SD!!! I dont resent her, i resent my dh for his actions and i called him immediately in a room to discuss, chewed him out and basically said i would physically get up and leave the next time this happens.
Nomorefaking, i can understand the resentment you have for sd, because you dh bails her out, i have resentment as well . I noticed sd got alotof gifts more than my ss and i was pissed. He did it out of guilt, i dont know anymore...but if my dh acts like such a stupid F , then i rather sd just doesn't come at all on holidays because it basically caused such pain and hurt this christmas. I've never had one so miserable during the night and day after. NEVER! My dh ruined christmas because of her! Becausae of his inability to accept that she is getting older, and to put his resentment aside! rrrrrrrrr....
I am now wondering if next year its gonna be like this??? Maybe i should to the traditional open the presents with my son in the morning and make plans for when he goes to pick up his kids....