Slightly off-topic: Do you tell this stuff to other people in your life?
I am so glad to have found this site. It has given me a safe haven to share and vent. I am to embarrassed to admit these things to my friends and family...
My parents didn't want me to marry DH. They felt he was too old for me (only 6 years older) and thought I was taking on too much to become insta-mom to skids 6,4, and 3 at the time we married. We eloped because my parents couldn't accept him... It took almost 2 years for them to accept him and the skids, but I am know proud to say that they lovingly brag to all their friends about their accomplishments, and introduce them as their grandchildren- no "step" attached to it...
I have a cousin who is a product of a divorced home as a child in the early 70s. He disowned me when I accepted DH's proposal. He told me that kids of divorce can't grow up normal and are scarred by it forever. He said I would be setting myself up for trouble. To this day, he does not speak to me at family functions unless absolutely necessary. Our family Thanksgiving is at his house each year. One month after we were married, he called me 3 days before Thanksgiving and told me we were not invited- that he would kill my husband if we showed up. In 12 years, I have not had a Thanksgiving celebration with my side of the family...
His mother, my aunt, also has a strained relationship with me now. She has another son that I have only met once that she "lost" in a custody battle in the early 70s. She has admitted to me that she is intimidated by the responsibilities I took on, and that she hopes her son's stepmother was as good to him as I have been to my skids.
My brother doesn't speak to me now either. Not really sure what his deal is. His new bride has tried to talk to him about it, but he won't. He ignores my skids at family functions, and barely even acknowledges my son by birth. (Thank goodness they live in Alaska!)
I am very strong and independent. I was always the good kid. Did everything my parents always said. Was very close to my family- until the day in March 1998 when I accepted DH's proposal. I waited 3 days after saying yes to even tell my parents we were engaged. I threw up twice before calling my mom; I was so scared of what their response was going to be. She said, "What? You want me to be happy for you? You're throwing your life away..."
This from the woman I aspired to be like, the woman I modeled myself after... I have since forgiven her for these words, and we have mended our relationship.
But I'm too stubborn. I don't want to hear "I told you so," so I have never told my family about any of the problems we've had over the years.
I'm sure they can guess that things aren't always sugar and spice. But I've never told them. I'm not asking if that's right or wrong, cause I know it is a little warped, but I do have a few friends that I do confide in, and therapy helps. And StepTalk has been a godsend...
I was just wondering how other people handle the craziness in their lives...
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Dh's family has disowned me
Dh's family has disowned me and seem to go out of their way to ensure they make our life hell. Step Talk is the place I get out the things that would hurt the people I would have to say it to.
My DH's mother hates me.
My DH's mother hates me. She always has...I guess just because she can. I came along and now he doesn't need her as much. I take care of our children (his and mine) and she's been known to tell people that I keep her away from them...etc. It's so immature. All she has done is put a distance between her and her son. I would never ask him to choose between me and his mother... but he does that on it's own. He's completely supportive of me. We make each other happy and she can take that drama somewhere else. The only time I let it bother me anymore, is when she says something bad about me to one of his very impressionable daughters (ages 4 and 9). Just venting....
I'm new at this and not familiar with all the abbreviations... sorry.
"It's times like these we learn to live again..."
Tired= I am so sorry that
Tired=
I am so sorry that your family has treated you so unfairly. My husband ( DECEASED)was six years older, WHEN WE MARRIED!!. I was 18 he was 24. We were married almost 30 years.
I am now astep to My FH family, My adult daughters are thrilled. So far his children seem to like me.
I cannot understand why everyone bends to your cousin( the one who holds the Thanksgiving dinner) Can't they cousins, aunt, your brother) see that what they are doing is "wrong".
I would suggest that YOU Have a Thanksgiving Dinner (if you can ) and invite those on your side. Let them "SEE" how great your family really is.
The children should NOT be treated badly, what the hell is wrong with people? Maybe your cousin was treated bad..Who knows. But NOT ALL step families are this way. And you would think a child who is now an adult who was mistreated as a step child..would be more understanding of the emotions & feelings of other kids.
"ALL KIDS WANT.... IS TO BE LOVED"
I AM GLAD YOUR PARENTS CHANGED HER MIND AND LOVES THE CHILDREN AS HER OWN "STEP" IS NEVER USED IN OUR FAMILIY EITHER..NO ONE SHOULD BE LABLED LIKE THAT.
MY YOUNGEST ALMOST 32 WILL BE MARRYING A DIVORCED MAN THIS MARCH 2010
HE HAS A LOVELY 9 YR OLD DAUGHTER. SHE ALREADY KNOWS SHES MY GRAND DAUGHTER AND LOVES HER NEW COUSINS ESPECIALLY OUR NEW TRIPLET'S 5 MOS OLD.
SHE IS THRILLED TO BE PART OF MY FAMILY. WE SPOKE ON THE PHONE A FEW TIMES, SHE CALLED ME NAN, AND THE FIRST DAY I LAID MY EYES ON HER,I PULLED HER INTO MY ARMS, AND HUGGED AND LOVED ON HER AS IF MY DAUGHTER HAD GIVEN BIRTH TO HER. I ALSO TAUGHT HER HOW TO SEW..SHE WAS THRILLED.
I ALSO GAVE COMPLETE INSTRUCTIONS TO MY 2 BIRTH GRANDCHILDREN 13 & 18 THAT "NOW" WE HAVE "MORE GRANDS" AND ALL WILL BE TREATED EXACTLY THE SAME. ...COUSINS NEVER USE THE WORD "STEP" IT'S NOT ALLOWED...PERIOD.
WHEN I MET MY NEWEST, MY SWEET FH GRANDS, CHRISTMAS , I ALSO HUGGED THEM TOO AND GETTING TO KNOW THEM NOW, SO FAR SO GOOD...WOW, 2009 I GAINED 11 NEW GRANDCHILDREN AND ONLY 3 WERE BLOOD!!
What is it with these
What is it with these self-righteous family members???? My heart aches for you because I am going through that too. I married my Ex when I was 19 and had dated him all though high school. I should have known that he was abusive, but I married him basically to spite my parents and get out of their house. I endured that emotionally, sometimes physically abusive marriage for almost 20 years. Part of the reason, because I didn't want to hear I told you so. My Ex cheated on me, our marriage was rotten to the core, but no one else saw any of that, they only saw that we was attentive to me and a good father to our kids. Once we were alone, all that changed. My parents always suspected he wasn't what he seemed, but it was my marriage and they didn't interfere. Eventually, I met my current DH, and he and I became very good friends, and it became something more. I had an affair, and eventually got the courage to leave my Ex. My parents were upset obviously, but they loved me, and they supported me. Unfortunately, my dad died before he could know my current husband, but my mother now adores him. She doesn't approve of what I did (heck, I don't approve of what I did), but she was able to see beyond that and accept and love me and my husband regardless and see the good in what we have now. My mother's sister (my favorite aunt), however, has completely turned her back on me, as well as her husband and my cousins. My cousins will turn their back on me if I walk into a room. Instead of asking me what happened, why I would do that, they have already judged me, and deemed that I am going to hell. In their religion, I broke one of the Big 10, and I am therefore doomed. Next time they come to town, I am having it out with them. Were they never jealous of anyone (covet), they never ever gossiped about a neighbor? If I'm not mistaken, those are in the Top 10 also.
Anyway, sorry about the ramblings, but I do know how you feel. This is YOUR life. Don't live it trying to make someone else happy. Your brother and your cousins are hard-headed idiots. If they would only loosen up, they might discover how happy and blessed you really are. Instead, they look down their noses, because you didn't live your life they way they thought you should.
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Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!
OHG-and other st'ers why
OHG-and other st'ers why does it always feel like this is only visited on us gals?? Do our relatives and friend's act this way when the males in the family "choose" a different path? I know that my future FIL will not care for me or my kids and the only one I feel sorry for in that is my BD5, but screw him-he's missing out and she has 2 other grampas anyway so he can basically suck lemons. After having his judgment visited upon me I am quite thouroughly of the mind to not have him involved at all in our wedding. He has never approached me on words that have come directly from me about my life, my ways but from other's such as my future sister and brother-in-law through their daughter and things going on at school just for starters. I suggested to Sia that us st'ers who have had our relatives turn their backs on us because we stood up to them stood up for our families being what they are become our own "families" holidays, picnics, special times together; let our families blend and become sisters, cousins, whatever of our own and screw the birth relatives who perceive that somehow they have the right to pass judgemtn on their daughters-punish the kids of any unions that somehow didn't/don't meet their approval, etc. i once had a friend who filled some of that gap for me when she knew that's how my own family treated me but she apparently had her own agenda and a true friendhisp with me somehow wasn't really it. She had something to prove by taking on me as her charity case I guess and we havent spoken since everything came out. Just a thought ladies. I am content for now in my relationship with bf and skids and am yearning for those bff's I was meant to have but got cheated out of because XI didn't want me to ever leave the house alone.
**I only have one shot at a truly great life and not one spent waiting for a man to notice me, want me, love me and be true to only me. 2010 is the year of "me" **
Big Hugs Toadal! I know how
Big Hugs Toadal! I know how you feel. I love my family, but I didn't choose them. I choose my friends, and to me, they are more than family.
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Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!
I tell my husband and my
I tell my husband and my mother;) I don't have a whole lot of time in my life to maintain relationships with people unless it is online so my other girlfriends never really make it to 'let me tell you all my business' status. "Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."
..."I'm not mean, you're just a sissy."
I do not tell anyone who
I do not tell anyone who knows me about any of these issues. This board is my release because this is my 2nd time marrying this slave BUT the SAME EXACT ISSUES remained but worse now that they are older and MUCH wiser and his Guilt is stronger.
I don't speak about it because I know how much of a mistake I made and do not need to hear it from anyone NOR do I want them telling me I need to come home, they will pay etc etc etc. This time, I will leave when I am 100% ready and have all of my finances in order. I already have a house to go back to BUT will leave when I know it is time and will probably STILL not release info except to my closest friend!
"The pic reminds me of the slaveboy and his queens in this home...it depicts a kid ruling her Big daddy...how sweet! What it doesn't show is the Big Daddy bowing and thanking them for the abuse and begging for more"!