I am so, so sorry for your loss. My love, thoughts and prayers go out to you and your fiance's loved ones.

I am so sorry for your loss. Words just escape me. I don't think that Dh's know what an emotionsal toll this can all take on us. I once told him that his ex was going to literally kill him or drive him to have nothing. I really need him to read your letter. She isn't worth his life. Or him living on the streets. Because then what, his kids are really screwed. All of his kids.

I am overwhelmed reading your post. I am so very sorry this happened. Please take care of yourself during this difficult time.

"Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get me"

I am just so very very sorry.... Thank you for sharing this with us.

I am so very sorry for your loss. You and your family will be in my thoughts.

"There comes a time when you have to surrender the idea of what your children could be to the reality of who they are."

I'm so sorry for your loss... Hopefully she's at peace now...

oh my..... i'm so so sorry for your loss.. thank you for sharing your story.. it just bring tears to my eyes... You and your family will be in my thoughts

We rarely "see" what is right in front of our faces until it is too late. I'm sure you had no idea your loved one was in such an awful emotional state. I don't think you should blame yourself. But, I believe survivors of familial suicide will always blame themselves for what they could have done or should have done............I hope these feelings pass for you soon. Chances are your loved one was having other issues, probably for many years, that contributed to her suicide. Your story has given me a wake up call.........not that I think I would ever contemplate suicide or anything, but I need to be more appreciative of my loved one and what he goes through dealing with the stresses of trying to blend a family while keeping everybody happy at the same time.

Thank you for your story. I am sorry for your loss and I hope you find some peace soon, for you and your children.

God bless.

**my stepdaughters did not grow in my tummy, they grew in my heart**

Oh My God...

First off, I am so very sorry for your loss. I think Dani and I joined this site around the same time....

I'm absolutely struggling trying to find the right thing to say, but can't. I just hope she has found peace, and truly hope that you and your children will find peace as well. I can't imagine what you are going through, and my heart goes out to you.

Just got through reading this to my husband through tears and a very shaky voice. This hit home! We are both very sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing this with us.

...

I am in tears. I cannot imagine what you are going through. All I can offer is my thoughts and prayers so that you and your children find a way to move forward. Just remember you're not entirely to blame. Every single one of us can learn to love more, forgive more, and care more. But you ultimately are not the reason she took her own life. I'm so thankful that you shared your story and I hope you find the comfort you and your children deserve.

Dear Keepsgettingbetter - I am so sorry for your loss, my thoughts and hopes are with you and your family right now. I cannot imagine how it must feel to lose someone this way, although I had once considered it myself. Take care of each other xxx

I'm so sorry - my thoughts are with you and your family.

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".

I'm in tears after reading your post. I am sorry for your loss and thank you for posting. That took a lot of courage to do so. Take care of your family.

I am so very very sorry for your loss, you have my deepest sympathy.

___________________________________________________________________________
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”

Wow, that is just awful. Thank you for letting us know. We are mourning with you-!! RIP dear
_________________________________________________________
“Learn by practice.” - Martha Graham

My thoughts are with you too.

Such a sad loss.

It was lovely to hear of your love for her specialness. I hope those memories stay with you forever. The great advice above will hopefully help you to deal with the emotions you have yet to go through in your bereavement. All the very best.

I'm so sorry. Thank you for telling us. You and she are in my thoughts.

BB

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

Thank you for sharing. I am sorry for your loss. Your post was appreciated....I wish it would be read by everyone in step parent situations. God Bless!

Thank you so much for sharing. I wish my husband had read my blogs in a way now, because he couldn't understand why I was so depressed and right now he is considering leaving me for someone else b/c I withdrew from him and talked to people on here instead who understood what I was going through. We were disconnected and another woman, who works with him and is married too but wanting out of her own marriage, started an affair with him several months ago.

I am not suicidal...but right now I'm in so much pain I understand the inclination. I haven't been posting much because even though my Borderline SD continues to create drama and crisis (she was arrested for shoplifting on Sunday) I am in my own drama and crisis trying to save a marriage with a man who is totally shut down emotionally to me.

I wish you peace. I understand your regrets, though of course mine are not nearly as heavy a burden as yours. I have been feeling as though I lost my Husband like he died too, but I know that your pain is far deeper and loss far more profound than mine.

Hugs to you and yours,
Sita

I'm truly sorry this has happened...

I wanted to share this with you and I hope it brings you peace and comfort...

By Mrs.Lyman Hancock

When I come to the end of my journey
And I travel my last weary mile,
Just forget if you can, that I ever frowned
And remember only the smile.

Forget unkind words I have spoken;
Remember some good I have done.
Forget that I ever had heartache
And remember I've had loads of fun.
Forget that I've stumbled and blundered
And sometimes fell by the way.
Remember I have fought some hard battles
And won, ere the close of the day.

Then forget to grieve for my going,
I would not have you sad for a day,
But in summer just gather some flowers
And remember the place where I lay,

And come in the shade of evening
When the sun paints the sky in the west
Stand for a few moments beside me
And remember only my best.

I am so very sorry and offer you thoughts of peace at what can only be an extremely difficult time for you. I didn't know Dani well, but did read her blogs occassionally. Wow, I am so sorry.

I am sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you and yours. Please take care of yourself and thank you for letting us know. ((((hugs))))

One can only hope!

I am sorry for your loss.

"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus

I am SO very sorry for your loss but thank you nevertheless for sharing this beautifully written blog. May your love rest in peace and may you find the strength to live on.

I am so sorry for your loss. *hugs*

I am so sorry for your loss. I appreciate you taking this time to share this with us.

I am deeply saddened to hear this...and I am sooooo sorry for yur loss...These words helped me get thru a similar situation and I hope they bring you some comfort.....

There once was a beautiful rose...the most beautiful rose u have ever seen...this rose grew along a stone wall and was by far the most beautiful of the bunch...she stood tall and opened her petals every day...one day the rose noticed a crack in the wall and saw the most beautiful ray of sunshine seeping thru it...the rose felt its warmth...a feeling it had never experienced before...and the rose slipped thru the crack on the wall so that it could bathe in that warm sunlight every day....the people on this side of the wall missed that beautiful rose, as there were no other roses that could even measure up....but that rose bloomed forever, in that warm, beautiful sunlight on the other side of that wall for eternity and its petals never dried, fell or were wilted....it was beautiful and content in that warm light forever...

If you can think of yur fiance' as that rose...,which I do for my loved one, it seems to make a little sense that she would want to feel that warmth forever, the warmth maybe she needed so badly that just wasn't on this side of the wall....I write this to you with love and knowing how u feel, my friend...

A mother is not defined by the "b" or the "s" in front of her name, she is defined by how she handles the "mother" part.....

I am so sorry for you & your family.

I am so sorry. But please do not blame yourself, your kids, the ex, or the situation for your wife's suicide.

A very dear friend of mine committed suicide a couple of years ago. Immediately we were all astonished and couldn't fathom why HE of all people would have killed himself. But over the years as we have been remembering more about him than what immediately came to mind after he died - replacing our own notions of how he was the last person we would ever think would kill himself, with the realization that he was indeed unwell emotionally and deeply depressed for a long time regardless of the circumstances - we have come to a greater understanding of why things happened the way they did. He didn't tell anyone why, not even his best friend who he was on the phone with when he did it...just that he was sorry.

Please don't place blame on yourself. In all likelihood your wife probably did not have any solid reasons that she chose to end her life. It is not something that anyone can ever define or truly understand.

Again, I am so sorry. Thank you for letting us know.

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

My heart goes out to you and to those who loved her. As someone who has studied and worked in mental health, and has someone who has attempted suicide many times, I can say with conviction that this is NOT your fault. Please take this to heart. She had many issues going on and mixed up brain chemistry working against her. I was suicidal even before embarking on this stressful step-journey. There will always be stressors to trigger something that is already there. It is a powerful force that no amount of support from a partner can overcome.

I'm sad for you and your family. You will get through this. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

Crying.......omg

I'll be honest here just because of THIS post, after my miscarriage last Friday, I ALMOST took a suicidal dose of pills. ( I had seen 3 deaths in person the last two years...)

Thanks for posting this. You made ME feel like moving on even more now.

Wow... Reading this has really hit me hard. I don't think our DHs really realize how much of ourselves we sacrifice for them. There are times when it seems it will never end, it will never be right. And then there is the thought "after all this and what I've put up with, what happens then if he decides he doesn't want me? What's left of me when I have nothing left to give?". It is really hard to deal with this sometimes and hard to find the strength. During "episodes" with BM I am just so upset, I can't even think. I sit there shaking with anger and frustration knowing that I do not have any control of what happens, yet I am forced to deal with the consequenses. I do it because I love him and I love his children, but its tiring and non-rewarding mostly.

I think it was really brave of you to come to us and share your feelings. I wish you all the best while you recover.

***I love you like a fat kid loves cake***

I am so very sorry for your loss, I just can't even begin to find the words to express how I feel. So many emotions right now - I am just so stunned and saddened to know Dani's gone. Please know you and your kids are in my thoughts and prayers.

Peace be with you Dani, my friend.
Lynn

KeepsGettingBetter - I am so sorry to read this. I hope that you can really take to heart the comfort and love we are all sending your way.

Please please understand - this is not your fault, and not the fault of your children either.

Sure, we can all second guess ourselves and everything we do that hurts the ones we love. Not one of us acts perfect all the time, so please don't beat yourself up.

Please know... as so many have said above, and has CG has said... Your fiancee made an active decision... a choice. I had a very good friend who died under suspect circumstances. We all believe he killed himself. Also, a girlfriend's father killed himself. I know for a fact that neither of those two men wanted to hurt anyone. And I believe that if they knew how much emotional devastation they were going to cause, they would not have picked that choice. They just couldn't see past that moment in time.

While your fiancee's action has hurt you, I truly believe that she would NOT want you or your children to suffer so.

As you walk forward in your life, please try to remember that we we are all here for a reason, that things happen for a reason. That maybe she was sent to your life for a short time to bring you some happiness. Some love.

But don't for one minute discount what YOU brought into her life. Do you understand that you may have kept her alive longer... that you could have given her remaining life meaning and purpose... that you gave her joy? Her final act does not take away the love that you two shared. If I could wish anything for you.. it would be peace of mind and for you to believe that if nothing else. Her final act does not take away or negate the love that you two shared.

So... there is no "what if". There is only the present. Take whatever lessons you may feel she presented to you and live them. But please don't take on anything that resembles blame or fault. Because you, dear sir, are just as beautiful and full of love and life and giving as your dear fiance was.

God Bless her soul, as well as you and your family.

(( Hugs ))

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

I too am very sorry.

I've been reading over this post for a while and all I can just say is that my prayers are with you and your family, and I hope you dont internalize it too much. This one hit close to home for me. Here lately I've been in a bad place and I just want an escape to just not be anymore. But really, my husband his kids nor anyone else would be to blame and neither are you and your kids. We all have to take personal responsibilty for our own sanity and happiness. I'm still kind of at a loss for words, but I do pray that you end up okay.

I know that Nymh said this, but I feel compelled to say this too.

Please do not blame yourself or your kids.

I knew someone who committed suicide. He was my dad's employee. This was many years ago, but it still stays with me because he was the first person I ever knew who committed suicide.

A lot of things piled up in his life. He was very depressed, and I think he had just had enough. I know he loved his kids, but he was so depressed that even that wouldn't save him.

Please don't beat yourself up or blame your kids. I don't know how old they are, but they're kids. They were probably acting like kids do- getting on people's nerves, leaving their stuff everywhere, sometimes being mouthy, etc. I second what Stick said in that I don't think your fiance would want you or the kids to suffer so.

Please consider getting yourself and your kids some counseling.

My love and prayers go out to you and your loved ones.

(((HUGS)))

I am so, so sorry for your loss. As I sit here with tears rolling down my cheeks, I have no words.

Adding my words of sympathy. I am so very sorry.

Like the others here I too have been completely reduced to tears by your post. I have tried so hard to tell bf how I feel make him understand I don't hate life is too short to carry that around. I moved away from him because I saw this ending badly somehow and my kids need me to keep it together. Thank you for sharing this and I offer my deepest sympathies to you. I will be asking him to sit with me and read this because it simply sums up all that we steps are-men and women to our children. I told him so many times I felt like I was drowning and I packed my bags often for presumably self-imposed "guilt-trips" until I finally really packed them and moved away. It truly is all we want to be loved, appreciated, respected, admired, pampered and cared for and some of these things we can't do all for ourselves; we need a rock, a shoulder, a moment. Please take care of yourself and your kids.

**I only have one shot at a truly great life and not one spent waiting for a man to notice me, want me, love me and be true to only me. 2010 is the year of "me" **

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I wish I had better words to express how much I feel for you. Thank you so much for opening up about the most painful thing that can happen to someone and being selfless enough to use your very personal trauma as a guide for other dads and husbands to step moms. Your courage is inspirational. I was in tears reading your post and I hope that time heals your loss. Please feel welcome to post anything you are going through. I have no doubts that all of us are filled with the greatest sympathy and caring for what you are going through. Again, I am so sorry and you and your fiance will be in my thoughts and prayers.

"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they will kill you." ~Oscar Wilde

I wish I had something enlightened to say. But I don't. I'm simply so very sorry.

I joined steptalk in November or December and didn't know your finacee from here, but I am so sorry to hear that she was so overwhelmed. My brother chose to take his own life 3 years ago. I am still devastated, but as constantly_guilty mentions, it gets easier. It doesn't go away and the questions are endless, but you get used to a new "normal". A normal that makes you acutely aware of other people's feelings and a normal that makes you hang onto every moment you have with loved ones. My mother blames my brother's wife. My brother's wife blames my mother. I believe in what Steve said...people are generally predisposed to suicidal thoughts and no one situation causes someone to make that decision. It is generally a combination of personality, predisposition, circumstances, biology, etc. I loved my brother dearly. We were very close and in all truthfulness, when I learned of his death, I knew the cause before anyone ever told me (I was 3 hours away and no one told me the circumstances until I got home). I just knew. Don't get me wrong, I didn't know at that time how hopeless he felt or that he considered such a terrible thing. In fact, I assumed things were going well. He had a young daughter, a good job, a new home and yet when they told me he was gone, I just knew. It breaks my heart that I knew and it pains me everyday that I could deep down know he was predisposed and I never helped him. I didn't know how. I was ill-equipped to deal with his pain. A pain that he's had his entire life. I live with that pain everyday, but I've learned to cope and to not take on all that guilt.

I know how you must feel with respect to the struggle your fiancee lived with, but no amount of love would have changed this. My grief therapist put it to me this way (and I know your circumstances are different, but remember this) "If the love he had for his daughter didn't stop him, nothing you would have said or did would have stopped him". Your fiancee clearly loved you. If she didn't, she would not have put up with your situation. If that love didn't stop her, words would not have stopped her.

Hugs and peace

Soverysad (for both of us)

"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!

My deepest sympathy to "keeps getting better". I can only imagine what you are going through.My heart goes out to you. I know this is hard for you but you need to be strong for your childern and remind them how much they were loved by her.That she gave her all when she didnt have to. Remenber this to shall pass and that Life goes on. I am knew to this site and have never commented but It's been about a week and I really like it. I know now that I am not alone.

Words completely escape me. My thoughts go out to you and yours...

"I have always loved the time before dawn because there is no one around to remind me who I am suppose to be, so it is easier to remember who I am." - unknown

I am so sad to come on here after so long and read this post. Dani was a fellow Aussie and because there were only 3 of us on here it was nice to talk to her. I am also a singer and know she loved her music and it kept her going. Please accept my sincere sympathies to yourself and her loved ones.

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

KeepsGettingBetter,
I used to blog with Dani a while back and I am absolutely shocked and heartbroken to know that took her own life. As many of the members have already said to you, this was not your fault, so please see to it that you and your children seek cousneling to get through this very difficult time.

One of my very dear friends committed suicide seven years ago, and the pain still lingers with me now- I thought I knew him so very well, yet NO ONE saw the demons he was wrestling with internally. You never do.

My prayers are with you, your children, and with Dani's soul. She is at peace now.

"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"