Agreed..... she MUST be crazy! I mean hello, I like my EH, a lot, but I sure wouldn't want to have a weekly lunch with him, or monthly for that matter! WAY not cool....

Two thoughts:

First, what they are doing is not "maintaining a friendship." Friends treat each other with respect and enjoy one another's company. This is not what is happening -- she is using that phrase to mask that what she is really doing is berating your BF and using that time to complain about you and keep him under her thumb.

Second, the idea of "keeping the peace" by following her wishes is a myth. Ask anyone on this site that actually has a SUCCESSFUL relationship with their spouse, despite attempts by the ex to interfere, and they will tell you so. The way to keep the peace is by establishing boundaries. There is no need for these people to be "friends." What they need to be is functioning colleagues in the business of raising their child. Your BF's claim that he is only trying to "keep the peace" sounds pretty, but what he is really doing is maintaining a situation in which the BM is in control of him. This prevents him from completely detaching from her, and attaching to you. This is something that she is doing on purpose. That is why she pitches a fit if he tries not to meet every week. She wants to maintain control of him. If she had moved on from the relationship, she would have no desire to meet with him like this.

The thing is, your BF needs to grow a pair and say no. I'm sure he thinks that caving to her is the path of least resistance. But what it really is is the coward's way out. And it will not allow the two of you to have a successful relationship unhindered by her input and constant presence in your lives. 63% of remarriages end in divorce. Why? Because the parties involved have not successfully put in place the necessary boundaries and moved on from their last marriages.

Your BF needs to get to a place where he isn't afraid of her anymore. You say that she "throws a fit" if he doesn't meet with her every week. So what? What's the worst thing that could happen if she throws a fit? If he's not around for it (i.e., doesn't respond to her phone calls about it, or her texts) then it's like a tree falling in a forest when no one is around -- it's just silence to you if you aren't there for it. Is he afraid she will keep his child from him? Well, that's what custody orders are for. If she denies him visitation, he can take her to court.

Look. The bottom line is, he is being treated the way he is allowing himself to be treated. And by extension, you and your relationship are being treated the way he is allowing them to be treated. Your DH needs to learn to set and maintain boundaries. For the sake of YOUR relationship, he needs to learn to play hard ball. She is operating on the assumption that as long as she holds the threat of a tantrum over him, he will be too weak to stand up for himself and for you. He needs to decide once and for all that that's not the case. He's a big boy. He should be able to do this. And you're a big girl. You should be able to expect better from the man in your life.

For the record, your BF was my DH three years ago. BM had the same control over him, in the guise of being "friends." Once he put his foot down and stopped letting her define the terms, she freaked out for a month or two, but when she realized that he wasn't going to back down, she calmed down. And once HE realized that all he had had to do all along was to grow a pair and stop letting her run his life, he was so thrilled that he never looked back. We have been happily married for a year and a half, and I can honestly say that BM has no power over him anymore.

BB

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved