I would dislike Wingnut if I met her randomly on the street. She is sneaky, fake, manipulative, and loves to play the victim. Some people think she is oh so nice until they get to know her, but I am very good at seeing through insincerity. She doesn't possess a single quality that I find acceptable, much less appealing. I hate her even more because she takes 1/2 dh's paycheck but my dislike is purely related to her personality. She is everything I try not to be.

Maybe your x's gf is just a b*tch or maybe she is uncomfortable or maybe your x told her bad things about you. Who knows? She has no idea how much worse things can be.

"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!

Who knows what your ex has said about you?

And I agree that she might be just uncomfortable. She might be going through something internally with jealousy. It's natural to feel a little jealous in these situations.

I wouldn't make anything of it. Just continue to be nice to her and if she is a decent person at heart, she will come around. She may just be uncomfortable now. Plus with all the crazy BMs that ARE out there, she probably is just playing it safe based on what she has heard about others.

~*~When you kiss ass, your breath smells like sh*t~*~

LMR...hmmm that's a good question. You sound very nice & I personally wish that you were my BF's ex-wife/BM. I can only give you my opinion of things from my perspective to answer that question - it depends.

My BF & I also share true 50/50 custody with BM. However, we also have to pay her FULL CS as if she has the kids full-time (about $1,500/mo.) That part, I'll admit, REALLY, REALLY bothers me for many reasons. Basically, BM gets to live off the CS, doesn't have to work (underemploys herself & works when she feels like it, little to none) and doesn't have the responsibilities or expenses of a full-time mom, yet she still gets lots & lots of BF's $$. Nothing we can really do to change that, because the law here in NY deems the "breadwinner" parent as the non-custodial parent for purposes of CS and hence, CA-CHING (sound of cash register), BF has to pay our BM full child support every 2 weeks while our BM just sits on her ass, doesn't work, is lazy, unappreciative, drama-queen, dependent - you get the picture. The main reason why this bothers me is that BM, at any time, could simply sign an agreement that BF doesn't have to pay her CS due to their true 50/50 custody arrangement and have the courts order the agreement and SUPPORT HER OWN ASS...but she never would. That would make her life too difficult because she'd actually have to work and learn how to be on her own... Hence, our lives (BF & I) are inherently made more difficult because we are supporting TWO households (hers & ours) and busting our butts - and the more we try to advance & succeed & make more money - there she'll be "clinging" to our rope and taking us back to court for more and more $$$. It's the feeling that this is never-ending (at least until skids are 21) that's the hardest.

There are other reasons that I dislike my BF's ex/BM. She is the polar opposite of me - she's the "damsel in distress" and I'm the independent, successful woman. She is a leech - lives off of using others and I can't stand that. So to answer your question, I think a lot of why I don't like my BF's BM is that I simply have NO respect for her. Most importantly, however, we NEVER, EVER say anything negative about BM in front of skids - we keep our feelings about her to ourselves and we always say positive things (or nothing at all) about BM so the skids are always comfortable & think we are all friends (not everyday buddies, just amicable). So BM has no idea that I feel this way for her & why. Just telling you (on this site) my thoughts.

Now I don't know your situation, so I'm not saying any of this to judge. But one other thing you mentioned in your post is that you went to your ex's house last night to drop off some clothes for your daughter. That's OK if your intentions are good (just a few seconds, dropping off a bag to BF or SD & leaving), but were you actually IN THEIR HOUSE?? I ask that, because that's an absolute NO NO in our house (BF's rules, not mine, but I agree with it). Sounds like maybe his GF is annoyed that perhaps BF is not establishing enough "boundaries" with you, or maybe not enforcing them, and this would be an example of a violation of those boundaries - enough to frustrate her (hence she went into the bedroom & didn't come out until you were gone).

I wish our BM were like you - you said you don't bug them at all and you seem like you're nice & mature. Can we somehow switch my BM for you??

Let me know if I'm far off here - or just tell me more of your history (i.e. how long you & your ex have been divorced, was his GF in the picture before your breakup or after?, any encounters in particular in the past between you & GF that would make her not like you? etc...). I hope this helps, coming from the "live-in girlfriend" perspective.

And let me ask YOU a question as the GF...WHY OH WHY do BM's hate us & try to make our lives difficult FOR NO REASON AT ALL?!?! I've been recently told by skids that our BM makes some unacceptable & completely ridiculous comments to them like:

1. "WOW, SD15, your Dad is really one good-looking guy...DAMN!" (when she saw him outside by the garage when she came to p/u skids)
2. "Oh, your Dad is growing a goatee (sp?) - it looks good on him. Does Milomom like it? Is that why he is growing it? For her?"

Coming from both side of a simmilar life. You're the mother of his child your the one that he was use to living a life with. She can never replace you unless you get up and leave out of your child's life (which you wouldn't do). She would rather see him totally pissed an hate you like most ex's do, but that is not the case your a friend of your ex (or try to be) and that bugs her because in her mind there may still be that chance of you getting back together.

And if she dosne't have any kids she will never know what it's like to have to deal with an ex and keep things civil for the sake of your child.

I have a ex that married a woman that was an only child and has no kids of her own and it is a struggle each and every time. Not only with her poking her nose into things she thinks she knows about and making a bigger mess for me and my ex but also trying to keep my Daughter calm and show respect to a person who shows none to them.

I also have to deal with my Dh's ex, she is a nut case that just took off to another state leaving me to help raise my two Step Son's. Even with her gone is not easy to deal with, I have to deal with her being jelous and angry because I have pretty much replaced her (but that is her fault.

Your doing fine and you don't need to be her friend just saying hi is all you have to do!

SoVerySad and TheWife made some very good points. I am a SM and BM and in a similar situation.

SM was not married to DH but they were together a long time from what he says. I have not only heard about BM but have witnessed her actions, read her actions, and documentation against her. BUT however, I still try to remain at least cordial with her since one precious little girl is going between two household and SD deserves to be the priority no matter anyone else's feelings.

Have taken her to lunch with all of us, Stepped back and been cordial at all events, speak when i see her.... and nothing helps - We try hard to just be normal. But BM will not let us - i think she is upset and jealous... which are her feelings that she is entitled to ...........

So - because of what he has told her - or maybe she does not like being in the situation she is in..... I would just ingnore it - you were there to give your child some clothing and you accomplished that. Anything else is her problem to deal with on her own.

********She doesn't have to love me or even like me - it doesn't change a dang thing..... So get over it and move on BM!************

YUP - I do! I think I probably could have superficially liked her if she wasn't so disgusting. I always tell BF that I'll be his favorite ex-wife

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".

I had partners before my Wife and I married and so did she. I can not lament her history any more than it makes sense for her to lament mine.

Her relationship with BioDad gave us OUR son. Though I detest him for the worthless, toothless, dumbass POS that he is, I do not detest BioDad just because he had a relationship with my Wife.

She is a beautiful, intelligent, incredible woman of impecable character. Most Men and many Women who have met her (that I am aware of) find her very appealing.

She made a mistake when she was 16yo. I made many mistakes at 16 and countless since. She ended up with a child for her 16yo laps in judgement.

I ended up with a beautiful wife, a great kid (most of the time) and an incredible marriage (nearly 16yrs).

So, no. I do not detest BioDad because of his history with my wife. I detest him for the characterless, worthless slime ball that he has repeatedly proven himself to be.

The result may be the same but there is a difference I think.

All IMHO of course.

Best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

I agree with some of the above posters, that possibly she has set bounderies, and just by the fact that you were in "her" home, she is pissed. I think like most new wives, you want the contact with the ex to be limited.

The BM that I have to deal with is a miserable little troll who apparently likes to fill peoples heads with nasty venom. SHe even tried to spill her venom out to me. I just thought she sounded like a lunitic. If her ex is so bad... an addict, an alchoholic, a person who truly ruined her life, than why the hell would she leave him alone with her two small kids??? That is when I knew that she was mental and was a truly bad person. The only thing she did was make me think she was a nutcase if she truly believed those things, and still pawned her kids off on my DH and that she is so selfish and is a truly miserable person who wanted to keep my dh all to herself and didn't care about his happiness what-so-ever.

This totally blows my mind. I think that my ex is a great dad, and I tell him that all of the time. I would never want there to be any venom between me and my ex, because that would affect my kids. And because I am not a mean, nasty, miserable little troll.

No, I pretty much thought BM was a stupid, uninteresting person when I first met her 20 years ago. That is when her and BF started dating.

I agree with most of everything above too. And I applaud you for your attitude! Why, oh why can't you be my skids BM?
I do think that probably a lot of the SMs unfriendliness probably come from a few minor reasons. As a SM, I don't have a lot of experience dealing with a nice and normal BM like you, but I do know that having very clear boundaries between my family (my husband and two skids) and his ex-girlfriend (mother of the skids). Women are really territorial and even in the best of circumstances it's considered a no-no to have the ex come inside the house. In our household, our BM is not allowed to come in the house at all. We do exchanges and pass along clothes, uniforms and info about the skids on the porch and we keep the inside of our home sacred and off limits to her. In our case, the BM is a completely psycho nutjob, so our rules probably seem overboard to regular people, but they are very necessary in our situation. Even if our BM was normal and pleasant, I would still want there to be a boundary and wouldn't want her to come inside our house. I think this is pretty normal and I wouldn't take it personally.

To answer your main question, it is absolutely NOT a given that the new wife/step-mom will hate the ex. When my husband and I got together, I was fully prepared to have his ex be pissed at me and hate me for a while and I assumed that she would get over it and more importantly, put her children first and form a cordial and respectful relationship with me for their sakes, but it turned out that she has deep and severe mental health issues and we are on year two of constantly having new and crazy BM scenarios thrown at us. I would have loved to have a cordial, even friendly relationship with her and was prepared for that in the beginning. Her behavior made that impossible. Lots and lots of SMs dream for a BM like you and we don't all hate you automatically just because you are our guys ex's.

If I were you, I might ask to have a sit down conversation in some place neutral (like a coffee shop) and ask your ex and his wife about what kind of boundaries they would like to set up and what would make you all the most comfortable. Your feelings are important here too, but I think if you three get together and hammer out basic rules for your interactions you would win the mature, responsible co-parenting award of the decade!! If you express to the SM that you care about her feelings and that you want to respect her boundaries, she will probably be blown away. If you do try to work things out and she continues to be bitchy to you, then you have done your best and it's not your responsibility. Realistically, you should not expect a friendship with your ex's new woman, but basic cordiality and pleasant interactions are totally possible. The main focus should be on the kids and I would focus on that if you discuss your relationships with your ex and his wife. Maybe the air just needs to be cleared. You should be treated with respect, your ex should be treated with respect and his wife should be treated with respect.

If you try everything you can think of and things stay the same or get worse, you might just have to accept that his wife doesn't want to be friendly with you. Ex's are sensitive topics in the best of times, but when you add kids to the mix it gets even harder. Maybe she dislikes you because whenever you show up for kid related things she is reminded that he was once with you. I know that in the past when I was dating childless guys, I had a weird fascination with their ex's and would morbidly compare myself to them and obsess over tiny ridiculous details. She isn't just dealing with a picture of you in some shoebox of memories, she is seeing you in person on a regular person and that is probably hard for her. I would recommend asking to sit down and talk about it and if that isn't possible then try to respect her boundaries as much as possible. Keep you conversation with your ex strictly kid related and do not ask personal questions. Stay outside the home so that you aren't invading her territory. This isn't universal, but most SMs realize that the only reason BMs have so much contact with their men is because of shared children. They get upset and angry if BM/DH conversations veer away from children issues because drop offs are not social calls, they are necessary for co-parenting and SMs get really upset if they feel that the BM isn't respecting that boundary. Contact between the ex and the father really should be limited and even if you would like to have a friendship with your ex, it isn't respectful to the current wife to initiate a friendship. Friendliness is great, friendship is a no-no. I can't speak for all SMs obviously, but I think this is pretty common. My advice is to just keep things and friendly, impersonal and quick as possible, focus on the kids, stay out of the SMs space, unless specifically invited in BY HER. If there are unresolved tensions and problems, talk it out! Show the SM that you respect her by keeping your contact with her husband limited and strictly relating to the kids and you should be fine. If you maintain a respectful distance and show the SM that you realize that you aren't DHs #1 woman anymore, you will be showing incredible maturity and courage. I applaud you for your rare and positive attitude about all this. If only every BM was like you!

Anyway, I think you sound like an absolutely wonderful bio-mom and it's encouraging to know that you care enough about this to post here and ask for feedback about this.

"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they will kill you." ~Oscar Wilde

*

I was that way with BM at first...
But now whenever she has something to say, she usually wants to tell it to me...
HAHA!