Husband is using his past against me

My husband has a child from his previous marriage. I take care of her when she is with us and I love her. When she was born my husbands wife at the time told him he couldn't go to the hospital or she'd call the cops. So he didn't see her born. Now I am expecting a child and he said he won't be at the hospital because it's not fair to his child he already has. It really pisses me off. I am not jealous of his daughter at all. But I don't think its right to miss the birth of our child just because his ex-wife did what she did. I'll have to have our baby by myself and that's not at all how I want it to be. How should I address the issue and make him understand? When I talk to him about it, he is so firm with how he wants it to be that I can't even speak my opinion. Any advice?

VictimOfHisPast's blog
Log in or register to post comments

Comments

Him being there at the birth

Him being there at the birth isn't for the sake of the child, it's for the sake of the mother. If his ex didn't want him there, that's her prerogative, in the same way that you do want him there is your choice.

You need to point out to him that each child has 2 parents, who together will make decisions for that child. Otherwise, he could use the 'SD never had that' argument for everything with regards to this baby.

"God never gives us more than we can cope with, I just wish he didn't have such faith in me!"

Wow. It has to stem from

Wow. It has to stem from guilt. But why would he want to be guilty about missing the birth of his next child as well? I have no advice, I just dont understand this one at all? As Im sure you dont either.

All I can say is Im sorry and I hope he comes around.

Are you serious? He feels

Are you serious? He feels bad about being at this birth because of not being allowed at the other birth?

That makes no sense.

This totally sounds like

This totally sounds like guilty daddy. But lets get some more info...

How long have you two been together?
How long has he been seperated?
How old is his child?
What type of access does he have?

We been together almost 2

We been together almost 2 years
He's been seperated and divorced for 3 years
His daughter is 2 (his ex wife left him when she was pregnant)
She denies him access (he is going thru another custody battle)

Well... He's in the military

Well... He's in the military and she was convinced he'd come home from Iraq crazy. She left as soon as she found out she was pregnant and immediately called to make sure he had to pay her. She didn't let him at the bitch of SD2, she denied him visitation when he was on leave from iraq the 2nd time. He tried to get her to go back to his military station but she just said no cuz she wanted to live with her parents. She didnt like the place he had to be. She tried telling us SD was sick really bad when she wasnt. It really wasnt him, he really put himself in the father position and she didnt want that, she'd rather him just pay.

he really put himself in the

he really put himself in the father position and she didnt want that, she'd rather him just pay.
Then why are you bathing, changing ect his daughter? I know its "Mom" jobs but you guys are going to need some boundaries if you're going to survive.
I bet this is making you angry... Don't get too upset though, some of us have just been hardened to things that set of warning bells for us.
You guys can get through this with the right communication.

His exwife doesnt like when

His exwife doesnt like when SD is with us because she is a girl and DH is a man. She doesnt think my DH should be changing her diapers. So I did it because I am also a girl. DH's ex is crazy like that.

The foot needs to come down

The foot needs to come down here. That is this childs dad. Her mother can not take any action againts him if he changes his daughter. She could be baiting you guys into "Daddy doesn't do anything Smom does everything, therefore Daddy doesn't deserve access because Smom is the one utilizing it"
Kinda happened that way to me in court. I thought I was SUPER-STEP-MOM! for staying at home and taking care of my Sd, but the judge dismissed it as being less valuable to the child then if she was in day-care. (STUPID FUCKING ASSHOLE....) Oh and another thing, the judge will ALWAYS favour the mom. Even if there is abandonment, neglect and pornographic images againts the mom. She has to really fuck up or throw the trial, for her to lose Custody.

SDs mom and grandmother

SDs mom and grandmother hastingly planned to have a baby. the grandmother knew what the benefits were. and i feel bad for SD but i can't really do anything about it. I love her and I want to include her in our family also. I am afraid that he is afraid it might happen to him again. And I wouldn't do that. Only crazy people choose to have babies so they can take care of it alone.

If his 1st child is only 2 -

If his 1st child is only 2 - does she even understand "daddy wasn't there". He does realize that his daughter will not know the difference unless it is told to her at a later age when she can understand, doesn't he? And who would tell a kid that anyway?

And I agree, a father being at the hospital is more for the mother, not the child. It will not mean he loves your child more than his 1st. Have you approached it from that angle - that it is you who needs him??

I told him she wont

I told him she wont remember. But her mother is a bitch enough to tell her that her daddy neglected her even tho he didnt. SD's mom is all about playing victim. And i told him that I need the support or ill have to have a baby by myself and hold the nurses hand

If he's basing his

If he's basing his "decision" on what BM may tell SD later on - kick his a$$. If he bases every decision on how he handles his wife and new child based on what BM may do or say to SD, or what happened in the past - he needs to reprioritize.

Especially now that a new child is in the picture. This tends to "rev" BMs up a little bit. My SS16's mom went psychotic when my DH and I had a baby. "Your father is replacing you with a new son, he's only with her because he's too proud to come back home and he doesn't want to be alone" Oh yeah - it gets real thick when a "2nd family" is started.

Your DH needs boundaries now. If you do not stand up for yourself, and your child now - it's going to keep getting worse. I'm not trying to be negative or bring you down, you just need to make it very clear to him what you need from him as a husband and a father to your child. You can't make him do anything - you can only tell him what you expect from him as a man, then leave the ball in his court.

Ask him - "If I were having a major surgery - would you be there?" This is no different (except you get a beautiful baby in the end). Childbirth is a major event that he needs to support you on!

Ok... so he's going to have

Ok... so he's going to have some serious guilt issues!
(Ps you're lucky to have found your guy during the toddler phase, skids (especailly sds) are SOOOO super cute before they develop their attitudes!)
... Hmmmm... So how do we fix this....
Are you going to take prenatal classes? (How far along are you?) I found prenatal classes helped in my case because Dh started to listen to the instructor about how important I am, and how he should be there for me! Have you heard the heart beat? Has Dh? Pregnancy is such an amazing thing and eventually if he loves you, and you are excited about sharing this experience he will "catch" that feeling too! Try to take him to a couple dr appointments, especailly after week 14 so he can be awear that this is an actual child and that it is his to experience this time!
Now... Sd... does he call her? Is he allowed? If he is allowed you can be supportive and show him you care about both of them by reminding him.

Ps how old is Dh?

I am 12 weeks. I am planning

I am 12 weeks. I am planning to take prenatal classes. He does call SD everyday, he is allowed to call her. I show him i care by telling him to call her (sometimes he doesnt feel like talking to his ex) but i told him to get over it and call his Daughter. I love my SD. I can't wait to have more contact with her so we can know each other.When we do get her, I actually am the one making sure she is fed, clothed, bathed, i changed her diaper before my husband did. (Dh? Im new on here still, i guess thats my husband?) he is 28.

ok you need to make sure

ok you need to make sure your Dear Husband (DH, lol) does at least half of that stuff when you guys have her. I know its great to get to know the kid and help her out but if you end up doing it all, all the time, then he will not have that bond with his daughter, and its more important for him to have that bond then you. You get to do other things! She needs a healthy relationship with dad.
I'm saying this out of experience and not just because I read it in a book. I did the same thing (I was 22 and my SD was 2, so we're super close for situation) but my Sd started to disrespect her dad as she got older. She would not listen to him. And it was because Dad was just some guy that came home from work, ate, showered then played for a half an hour or so. He wasn't doing anything an actual Dad does (except the play) and Sd knew that, even at 2 1/2!
So be careful how much you do. Dh and Sd need to nurture their bond, especailly when shes young!

What BullShit! I would tell

What BullShit! I would tell him that he is either in the delivery room for the birth of his child or instead of signing a birth certificate as the father he will be signing divorce papers complete with a significant CS obligation.

What a load of crap.

He needs to grow up.

IMHO of course.

Best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

He needs to grow up and she

He needs to grow up and she needs to set boundaries... lol isn't that the theme of this site??? (I love it here btw)

Big fat ditto right here

Big fat ditto right here under Rags! This is a huge pile of steaming shit!!!!!!

He has a chance to be

He has a chance to be involved in the birth of his next child, and should see this as an opportunity to do all the things he didn't get to do with SD2. I'm with Rags on this one: since he obviously responds well to ultimatums, if all else fails, give him one of your own. Missing the birth of his second child b/c it's not fair to the first. If I didn't know any better, I'd say that BM took over his body for a second there.

And when it comes time to

And when it comes time to have my baby, I wanna get pictures. You know? The black and white pictures where the parents are hold them and the daddy hold em and stuff ya know? I don't even wanna bring up that subject now. Cuz SD didnt get those.

Those are very nice to have

Those are very nice to have - in fact - I wanted to have those with our 7 mo. old when he was 1st born.

DH didn't want to have "family pictures" without SS16. I explained, they weren't family pictures and SS could meet us there and be in a couple of the pictures, but the main purpose was for the baby (my 1 and only). We could never agree, so we never did - at 7 mo. - he's a little too big for daddy to hold in his palm, and I regret we didn't get them.

Get them . . . get them . . . get them . . .do not let your DH ruin this for you!!!! When it comes to the baby - do whatever you want to do because they grow up so quick and DO NOT let your DH and his past hinder that!!!!

And anyways, who wants a

And anyways, who wants a silly man in the pic? Mommy/baby pictures are super cute!!!

"What BullShit! I would tell

"What BullShit! I would tell him that he is either in the delivery room for the birth of his child or instead of signing a birth certificate as the father he will be signing divorce papers complete with a significant CS obligation."

Exactly!! I agree 100% rags.

My DH and I had issues at

My DH and I had issues at first when I was pregnant because of his "been there done that" attitude and "well, I didn't for the 1st" bull shit.

I told him if he wasn't the DH and father I expected him to be with our child/family - he better get a 2nd job because he'd be paying CS to 2 women and I would get a hell of a lot more than the Fossil got!!

Ultimatums do seem to work with SOME men.

Hell, I am a man and this

Hell, I am a man and this guy is pissin me off.

Best regards,

Most REAL MEN do get pissed

Most REAL MEN do get pissed at this stuff.

He's not being much of a man if you ask me!!

Ok guys, lets stop the

Ok guys, lets stop the dagger throwing. Shes going to stop reading this and not see all the help through the opinions. (Not that its bad to have an opinion)

This is some thinking

This is some thinking outside the box. Bm definately sounds like a peice of work and this could be something to ask Dh about!

She is a piece of work. She

She is a piece of work. She like to be a victim so people feel sorry for her. So she's bout to be the "SD's mom who had a baby by herself and her ex is having another baby and forgetting about hers" thats what she will try to make it be

I think he may be using this

I think he may be using this as an excuse because for some reason he's uncomfortable seeing you give birth. Because the logic is so flawed as to be tragic. Obviously, his existing child would not have any idea that he wasn't physically present for her birth and probably will never care that he wasn't if he is a good and involved daddy. If she were ever to ask this question later in life, he could easily explain that because he and her mother weren't a couple when she was born, her mother wasn't comfortable having him there.

There are men who just can't handle seeing the actual birth unfold. I completely disagree with their feelings but it might be something to explore with your DH.

Thats a good point! I have a

Thats a good point! I have a guy in my prenatal class who almost passed out watching the delivery videos. Some guys just can't handle it. It doesn't mean they're going to be terrible dads. They just can't handle birth. I'm an Air Cadet Officer and I'm terrified of heights... I'm still a good officer (as long as I'm not standing on a cliff or something!)

He tells me I am just being

He tells me I am just being jealous. And thats not at all how I feel. Basically since he didn't get to enjoy that with SD, then I can't enjoy it with our child either.

Check out this book,

Check out this book, specifically this chapter...
http://www.scribd.com/doc/14238094/Stepmonster-A-New-Look-at-Why-Real-St...

Your guy is going to have a tough time dealing with his issues. I know the Military has programs to promote Mental Wellbeing, so do you think he would ever talk to someone? Or maybe you guys could go together. It sounds like you're going to be in trouble. If he didn't want another family, he should have thought of that. It sounds like BD is not going to be "allowed" to have anything SD doesn't and thats not fair.

Not to be unkind about your

Not to be unkind about your DH but maybe he doesn't understand what jealousy is? It makes no sense to accuse you of being jealous because he refuses to be present for your child's birth out of respect for his toddler's feelings....this is some tragically flawed logic.

How far does this play out? If he gets deployed and misses his daughter's next birthday then will he be sure to leave when your child turns three? Each child gets parented differently in a family (ANY FAMILY) based on that child's needs. My brother was dyslexic and had a very difficult time learning new concepts in school. My parent's spent a fortune on tutors and learning assessments to ensure he had the best opportunity for success. They did not spend that same money on me because I didn't need it. By your DH's logic, my parents should have thrust me into all that tutor and therapy anyway because they did it for my brother and they wouldn't want my brother to feel bad that he was the only learning challenged kid in the family. It's flat out screwball logic on his part.

huh? Jealous of what? That

huh? Jealous of what? That doesn't make any sense.

Maybe he deeply regrets being there for the birth of SD but if that was the case he'd MORE inclined to make sure he didn't regret being there for this one.

Ding Ding Ding....I agree.

Ding Ding Ding....I agree. There's something fishy here. I think DH just doesn't want to be there for the delivery. It grosses a lot of men out. My dad wasn't because he faints at the sight of gushing blood and other things. Some men have a old way of thinking...it's woman's work. Not a place for a man to be.

I'd press him more VOHP.

Maybe it is just me but

Maybe it is just me but watching my Spawn emerge from my favorite place on the planet could not possibly be a bad thing. Sounds pretty amazing and unforgetable to me.

Best regards,

Rags, this is maybe a little

Rags, this is maybe a little creepy Just sayin'.

You sound like you are very

You sound like you are very PO'ed at the BM here. The only person that should have you hot in this situation is your man. He's being a big goober. Why in the world would he pass up the chance to see life, a life that he created, brought into this world? It's just nuts. So basically he thinks that SD is going to feel bad if he is there for your childs birth because he wasn't there for hers?

If that's the case have him talk to SD and let her know that he wanted to be there but wasn't allowed at that time, and just leave it at that. Let her know that he IS allowed to be at this one and he can't miss it because he wants to see her brother or sister born and make sure that you are okay.

If it's just because he feels like he would be showing one child more love than the other..........and it's nothing to do with SD having said anything about it.......then run. RUN NOW. Don't wait, don't even pack, just go.

This is a tell all sign of a relationship that boarders hell. Can you imagine......one day a long time from now your child will have their kindergarden graduation and he won't be able to go, because BM wouldn't allow him at SD's. He won't be able to walk her down the aisle to get married, if it's a girl, because BM wouldn't allow him at SD's wedding. This could go on for the rest of your life. Put a stop to it, no matter what it takes or this is how you are going to have to live. Sounds terrible to me.

Sounds like he needs a firm

Sounds like he needs a firm Bit** slap. He needs to get a grip and get OUT of his own selfish world just for this one minute - at least.
Put your foot down now and tell him to grow some balls.

Sounds like he needs a firm

Sounds like he needs a firm Bit** slap. He needs to get a grip and get OUT of his own selfish world just for this one minute - at least.
Put your foot down now and tell him to grow some balls.

Perhaps he feels that he'll

Perhaps he feels that he'll love your child more than SD, and that's why he doesn't want to attend the birth. Maybe he needs to learn about the concept of loving people equally but differently.

Maybe he also feels that SD will be hurt when she finds out that he was at your child's birth but not hers. On one hand I can't really blame BM because I wouldn't want my ex to see me in that condition, but she should have at least allowed him a decent amount of time with her in a nearby room.

He hasn't really even got

He hasn't really even got the chance to really know SD. Every time he tries, BM is calling him every 30 minutes or putting time limits on visitation. He is in the military and can't see her all the time. So I guess it makes some sense he's afraid he might love our kid more since he will know it and care for it from birth. But I wont let that happen. I want SD in the waiting room too so she can see her sibling. Im not at all leaving her out. I love her just as much as I love my own.

You are here

Husband is using his past against me

Comments