BM used to try this too. It was SD (7 at the time) would love it if youa nd I took her to dinner together...or you and i should take SD for ice cream, playground...whatever.

BF resisted this for a long time...seeing it for what it was. In a moment of stupidity two years ago he decided maybe she really did want to get along and did a playground thing with her. Dumb ass. I said NOTHING...just sat back to watch it unravel...and sure enough her pyschoness ramped up HUGE...the manipulation went crazy...and he ended it weekes later saying "remind me to never do anything with her and SD again"

men-- sometimes have to learn by themselves.

I kind of went through this situation. my bm and fh were getting along as well, but it was only because she wanted him to get back together with her, thats why she was being so nice to him. She wanted them to spend time together with their daughter. I was fine with that, I just wasnt fine with her, that every time they interacted (like she dropping off sd6, or picking her up) she would try to start a conversation about getting back together, and these conversations were long too. He would tell her the same thing over and over, that he was with somebody and to just get over it. It drove me crazy that she thought she had to the right to do that. Well she finally 'got over it' and changed her number and refused to let fh see his daughter for six months until we were able to get a court order to see her. Now she is with somebody else, but she is still so bitter that she wont let sd6 talk to fh on the phone when its not his time with her. I think that as long as your fh tells her that there is no chance in hell they are getting back together, and to stop treating you badly (because she has no right either, which makes me think she is jealous of you or that she wants him back-or both) that is is okay for him to want to see how his BD acts when she is with her BM. but if it was like a weekly occurence, i would get upset too and wonder if something else was going on...

BM and I have had our fair share of differences. Atleast now we are at the point where we can argue, and then finally once the dust settles come to a compromise on issues, (mostly boundaries).

She's admitted to me that in the past she used to use the kids as an excuse to cause problems with BF and I. Not that she wanted BF back, she just didn't want us together. She would always say "it's for the kids" and BF would buy into it, b/c he was afraid if he didn't BM would make sure the kids knew that it was b/c of Daddy.

I completely see this as being a game that BM is playing, maybe my BM needs to talk to your FH to tell him she's played this same game.

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”

It sounds like FH should start taking how strongly you feel about the subject a littler more seriously. Now matter how “innocent” these meetings are (and since she’s repeatedly tried to get back together with him I don’t know how innocent her intentions are!) they still cause you discomfort and he should respect that.

Have you offered to go along on these meetings..?
You could always say that since this is a united effort to raise this child to the best of everyone’s abilities why doesn’t everyone involved meet up with their input? This directs the meeting purpose solely on where it should be… the little girl’s well being and not her parents relationship with each other.

The two of you need to show this woman that you are a TEAM not to be tampered with. She’ll try to use her daughter as a weapon but as long as you are good parents to the little girl and are doing everything you can to provide a safe and happy home than she has to let your FH see his daughter.

I’d be going crazy over the situation… stay strong… and talk to FH about it.

Kindof a similar situation...Only in my case, my husband(right before we got together), apparently not only took her and his daughter and the child she had by cheating on him when they were married, on vacation to Disney, he climbed back into bed with her for "his daughter's sake". What is blowing my mind lately is that we have now been together for 2 years and I'm just getting the truth this week. I am incredibly hurt, especially with the way he let's his daughter treat me. I think part of the reason my SD hates me so much is that her recent memories include her parents "together" before I came into the picture.
I am at a real loss as to what to do. We've had alot of issues with her, both her fault and his idiocy by comparing things we've done with things he did with ex. After this lie, I don't know where to go. We've gone to counseling about how to deal with her but this lie came out after. I could really use advice if anyone's got any..I am new to all this. Thanks

Oh! Isn't this a fun one? It has nothing to do with the kids, it's all about control. Every single psycho BM was a control freak in the relationship with DH/BF and skids. And, every single psycho BM is still a control freak. And, the best way to control a father is to use his kids. I'm sure it happened in the relationship and it worked and it's going to continue to happen now and work unless DH/BF puts a stop to it.

I've gone through everything you have. Trying to be sensible with BM will get you nowhere fast. Like our lawyer said, and you have to imagine this in a thick southern, almost Foghorn Leghorn accent, "You can't reason with crazy." Just wait 2 months until she has a boyfriend she wants to be involved in SD's life, her marriage issue will ::poof:: disappear. Why? Because none of her reasons as to what is in the best interest of the kids are based on any kind of real logic, just her emotions (which are way f-ed up - and that is coming from someone with some pretty f-ed up emotions herself).

Now, your BF needs to do what folkmom's did and tell BM what is what. Then, just go to things where you are allowed to go as parents - school functions, extracurricular activities, etc. - and be polite to BM. Don't do extra things together - dinners, holidays, outings - just don't. I know it's hard now because SD is only 1yro, but maybe you could sign her up for a gymboree class or something like that. The best thing would be for BF to approach BM and say that he thinks it would be good to have SD in a class, that way they both could attend and be involved in the enrichment of SD's life. BM will say, 'Great idea.' Then BF will say, 'OK. Let's split the cost. The class is Wednesdays at 5 pm. GF will be coming with us.' Then BM will say, 'No way.' Then BF can say, 'Oh, well, I guess I could pay for all of it.' Then BM will say, 'That's not the problem.' Then BF will say, 'OK. Well, I'm still gonna do it, if you don't want to come, you don't have to. I just thought it would be good for SD to see us all getting along.' Then BM will continue to make a stink and BF will realize he's just being manipulated by her. If she really cares about what is good for SD, she wouldn't care whether it's on her terms or his. Like Moon Child Step Mom says, you need to show her that you and BF are a team. If she wants to play nice she can, if not, then you'll still be good sports but you won't put up with any foul play from her.

Now, I'll end with what is becoming my mantra. Divorce sucks. When a divorce occurs, the family of Mom+Dad+kids is no more, and that sucks the most for the kids. But, pretending like that family still exists instead of teaching the kids how to be happy in their new family configuration is not helping anyone. Another part of my mantra is this, it's true! I have struggled and I have been rewarded for my hard work. We had to go through a child custody evaluation. BM said that I was ruining the parenting relationship because I wouldn't let DH fall for her manipulative bullshit. The evaluator made a point to address this and said that I was actually helping it. So, there you go! ::sticks out tongue (@ BM, of course, not you!)