Opinions Please
So my SD, 10 came home from school and, like we do everyday, DH and I went through her folder of checked papers. When going through the papers we noticed that there were two math assignments that she had missed 10 (out of 18) on. This is VERY unusual for her...she normally misses 1-2 at the most and when she is with us, DH and I check her assignments before she hands them in.
Anyway...we find the two assignments and ask her what happened that she missed so many and she proceeds to freak-out saying..."Well I did those assignments AT YOUR HOUSE" and "Its YOUR fault because YOU checked them over". She didnt come out and say that she thought we were blaming BM for not checking over her work but the defensive way that she reacted, coupled with the fact that she found it neccesary to point out that she was at OUR HOUSE when given the assignment makes me feel that is what she was implying. Because of my suspicions I pulled out the calander and it turns out that she was at BM's when she was given these assignments.
I guess Im just wanting opinions on what everyone thinks is going on with this child. Why is she lashing out at us for simply questioning her school work? Does she think we are blaming BM for the bad work and feels she needs to defend her? Should we talk to SD about this and what should we say? Im getting so tired of taking the blame for everything! Thank you in advance!
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In a way I think she was
In a way I think she was just getting a bit upset because she might have felt you were blaming her and she knows you look over it and maybe she thought she did them at your house. I would say talk to her and see if it was just confusion that made her say that. She is at a defensive age.
Life isn't about the days you have, its about what you do with the days you have.
Defending her mother is
Defending her mother is exactly what she’s doing… for most skids it’s a very natural reaction, even if you and your DH haven’t caused any reason for her to be defensive.
I know in our house the skids BM is completely handled with kid-gloves (so to speak) and even praised above what is probably necessary… but still the oldest boy is constantly defensive of her! If we say “Isn’t our Christmas tree pretty?” meaning “all of our tree”, he’s quick to counter with “Well my MOM’S tree is prettier!” That kind of thing… and we always just ruffle his hair and don’t show a crack in the emotional paint. My
Hope is that eventually he’ll see that those tactics don’t work and ultimately are unnecessary.
Just suck it up… continue NOT to badmouth the BM on anything… and do your daily best. That way you can rest a clear conscience on your pillow at night along with your spinning head!
Regardless of who checked
Regardless of who checked the homework, SD is the only one responsible for her performance on the assignments. Whether at BM's house or yours is no excuse. I say DH should have a talk with her and explain to her that SHE is the one responsible for her homework assignments. Also let SD know that you care about her and want to make sure she doesn't need any help. (My SS started having big trouble with math at age 11.) Leave BM out of it when having this discussion that way SD won't feel the need to defend her.
Just...I agree
Just...I agree mostly...while she is accountable for her final grades, I do have to say that I feel that a parent needs to be involved with their childs studies and be avaliable to help with homework. I told her that she needs to try just as hard regardless of where she is and that it was uncalled for for her to place the blame on her father.
Moon is right when she says that sometimes you dont have to do anything to get a negative response from a child. The part that bothers me the most is that it almost felt like she knew that BM wasnt there to help her with this particular work but doesnt want us to get on BM about it...which we never have and would not have blamed BM even if SD had wanted us to.
she is just trying to get
she is just trying to get out of getting in trouble. She thinks if she throws some talk about BM in that you will be focused on yourselves and BM instead of on her. Which is apparently working....
It doesn't matter if it happened on BMs day or not whether she looks over SDs homework or nothing you can change.
IMHO-- I would have pointed out that it was BMs day not yours and that she should not be shifting blame on anyone. She is responsible for her homework....and deliver a punishment. Like 1 hour of reading at the table after dinner.
Yes - I agree with all this!
Yes - I agree with all this! I would still point it out, both that it was not at your house, and, that SD is the one who needs to do her work!
But every time our SD got in trouble for grades or anything, there was always a huge smokescreen thrown up of some other problem where she was a victim, that DH immediately fell for, every time! BM and SD would get so mad when I would make him stay on topic! lol
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“Learn by practice.” - Martha Graham
You guys are very right.
You guys are very right. Bringing up BM did work for her. I was so worried that she might have caught on to the tension between BM, DH and I that I made something out of nothing. Thanks for all the advice!