Please help!!! This is all new
My soon to be DH have been dating for a little over a year. Live together and now we are about to get married. Because of the distance, he only gets his Daughter for the summer and few holidays. I barely met my soon to be SD this past Christmas. We got her for a week. It was the funnest time I had in my whole life. This is what ive wanted for so long...a family. I got him to start paying his cs on a regular basis like he should be. But the BM is angry that I am involved. I try to understand but the real deal is this : The SD doesnt even life with her BM because her BM likes to party so she lives with her BMs mom. So why is she so angry with me that I am here? Theyve been separated for over five years. And i am pretty sure he has dated since then. ANYWAY the BM calls me names in front of SD. If you don't like me then that's fine...its hard to adjust. I get that but why does the SD have, who is only 8 have to be brought into it? I have not done anything to take her motherly role away.
OK here is the where the jealousy and some of the conflicts comes in:
I am jealous that he has a child with someone else...I guess its not me being jealous of my SD but more of the BM.
I want my SD to want to be around me and have fun but every time we are having a great time its like she'll stop and realize then start having an attitude...like she feels guilty enjoying my presence. I want to have fun with her. I dont want to replace her mother...nor will i ever.
I try to stay out of the parenting and leave it to my DH. But for ex: one night he was working so I was watching my SD and I asked her to brush her teeth..she looked at me and walked away. I didnt say anything or ask her again because im afraid the BM will blow it up..say im telling her daughter what to do.
In the car Ill ask her to buckle up and she wont...then my DH will ask her to and she will.
The main one is:It makes me jealous when he holds her tucks her in bed and plays with her hair...because I want to hold her and tuck her into bed.
I guess in time it will be better?? Ive only had her for 2 weeks. But it is almost summer and we will have her for 2 months.
so...how do I parent without being in the way. I want My SD and my DH to be happy but I want to be happy too. And I know I cant make a child like me...I just want to be a family. But I feel alone.
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Comments
Maybe you could take turns
Maybe you could take turns putting her into bed.
May I ask why SD lives with BM's parents and not DH?
BM is most likely angry
BM is most likely angry because you are trying to make a family with what used to be her family. ANd she may have been this way with ALL of his ex-gf's. SO I wouldn't take it personally.
I know dh's ex didn't like me specifically because she saw that he actually fell in love with me. She heard it from her son, and she just saw it in DH. I believe she was hearing it from his ex-gf at the time, that he was in love with me. Perhaps she is threatened by the love he has for you.
Either way, it is her issue, not yours. I wouldn;t rock the boat with her, or engage her. Bm would try to call me, tell me awful stuff. I would just listen, be respectful and wouldn't call her back. I would let dh deal with her. Eventually the calls stopped. I figured she would have to let it go. I am not sure if she has or hasn't. I don't wish her bad, I just hope that she moves on.
Steperg, seriously, you've
Steperg, seriously, you've got to cut that shit out. You want company in your doom, we know, but you won't get any by making others feel badly about their efforts.
That can be taken as a
That can be taken as a pretty mean comment but the book is really good! Its full of activities to help set out rules and boundaries. It also has little activities to help you realize how different eveyone in your family is and how that can cause conflict, and in knowing that it can cause conflict how to steer away from the conflict.
Maybe I'll type up some of it and post it.
And Steperg... wow... you gotta watch how you say things, especailly to people you aren't familure with!
I'm sure the book is
I'm sure the book is helpful! I have nothing against it and I'm always glad to recommend a good read. If you could post those things that would be great. I'm all about self help books but not so much as a reminder that I'm dumb, simply that I need guidance.
Welcome! I'd echo the idea
Welcome! I'd echo the idea that relationships take time to develop and unfortunately, having SD sporadically and for short amounts of time will make it difficult to do that.
You sound like you want to be invested in this relationship and you have a great big heart for a child that is not your own. That's really commendable because it's often quite difficult.
Lots of women get jealous that their DH tucks in his daughter and plays with her hair because it's sort of like having to compete with another woman in the house. You, on the other hand, feel a little resentful because you wish you could do that for SD. Neither situation is wrong and both are completely normal reactions.
The shit that BM will inevitably give you is going to be rough. If this is what's happening already, there might be more to face, but never forget that you have the power and you are not second best. You can't control what she throws your way but you can definitely control your own reaction.
All the best!
Keep us updated!
Thank you for your comments.
Thank you for your comments. Im greatful I found this website. I feel 239321 times better knowing there are others who have felt the way ive felt and are going through the same things. Im going to look into that book.