I know how you feel. THat is one of my biggest gripes. That no matter what BM does it's always "That's just how she is".

And I keep telling DH that is just enabling her. Yes, she is that way and can choose to be that way but also has to take the consequenses for it. I won't excuse her insane behaviors, when it's directed at me she'll deal with the anger and bitchyness her behaviors create. And I won't worry about making her mad or upset or sad or whatever the excuse is that day.

I keep telling him that as long as he excuses her behavior she will keep doing it.

I dont' encourage him to start unneccessary wars with her over things that aren't important but I do encourage him to not respond to her when she is not acting respectfully of him, of SD, of me, just generally human. A simple, "call me when you are ready to talk rationally" and hang up usually makes the point.

But then there is only so much you can do about somethings. You may have the best plan with giving back the "it's just the way she is" attitude and letting it go.

I agree with astepabove. I use to stew over things like this constantly. "Thats just the way she is" was everyones answer for her screw ups and it made me furious! Almost five years later I have adapted to that way of thinking and now feel that way myself a lot of times. Their behavior becomes predictable and you can almost decide how BM is going to react before she does!

We went through the whole court thing a year ago and our lawyer told us the same thing. She can pretty much do whatever she wants UNLESS its against the law. That was hard to swallow for me because there are a lot of things that you can do to damage a child that arent against the law. By the time we got through court I had come to realize that lawyers and the legal system are only going to protect kids in the most extreme situations.

I agree, after a while, you'll see her behavior coming so it won't be such a shock and anger you so much. There's two things that have worked for me when dealing with this same exact situation....

1.) When he starts venting to you, just simply tell him that you are sorry that he has to deal with this, but you'd rather not talk about it, and change the subject.

or

2.) Agree with BM. LOL, I know that sounds crazy, but if you are passive about her behavior to your DH, then he's spending less time trying to defend himself and his situation to you, and more time directing his anger towards the person who is the one really causing the conflict. When you jump in to attack as well, his automatic response is to jump on the defensive. Men aren't like Women, when they hear bitching, even if it's to defend them, they automatically relate it to you having a problem with 'them', therefor they become defensive.

______________________________________
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”