I think about this sometimes too, Sita. When I'm upset with BF, I sometimes wonder if all of Wilda's complaints about him were valid. I think there's a shred of truth to some of them but she's also not someone that has any sense of personal responsibility, so it's hard to gauge how much of it was him and how much was her. I try not to dwell on it because we have our life now and the dynamics have changed. It's always in the back of my mind though and I wish I could let that go.

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".

I have thought about this kind of thing many, many times. I wonder if there have been things that DH has done that makes Gasolina act the way she does. And yes, there have been. Insert my famous three sides to every story quote here. But in the end, they were not married, and many of the things she did she did when she was already pregnant by/engaged to another man, so I she doesn't get that excuse any longer.

However, in your case, you were married to the man and actively trying to make it work. I can understand the disdain you would have for them and their relationship, and I think future SM and ex would be remarkably naive if they believe this whole transition is going to go smoothly.

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"If it sounds like I think I am better than you, it's because I do."

Sita, whats best for the kids is why we all hold our tongues at times. BM is always going to be around in my situation & we have so many sporting events that we all need to get along. My stepsons need that.

I feel so bad for you because it is hard to be pleasant to a cheating spouse & the woman he did it with. BD acts out with you because you are the loving parent & you are the one she feels safest with.

I know that my husband was not a great husband in his marriage to BM, he was lazy & a grouch, but all these years later he is a involved & loving father. I know for her she loves to flex her power as a payback for not being the husband he should have been. I know this because I have lived this, HOWEVER I see that my son needs his daddy & loves him, as so my stepsons... I wish BM could have that ephinany.

Hugs, you are a great mom & will always do what is best for that little sweetie. The reason your paths crossed with the ex is so that BD is here.

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Maybe that's why I'm able to forgive alot of the crap BM does? Because I am a BM. While I've never had to deal with an SM in my life, I can certainly relate to being territorial over your children, and understand things that are said or done because of those feelings. While we are wrapped up in the territorial feelings, we can get blinded by the potential harm it can do to our children, and instead actually think we are protecting them.

There are things I would never do as a BM that our BM has done, but it still doesn't mean I can't 'understand' what place she's coming from. I realize it has nothing to do with me, and more about her own issues she struggles with inside.

Indifference is something I'd like to eventually get to with BM, and something I hope to also accomplish as a BM myself if an SM comes into my life.

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"Most couples have not had hundreds of arguments, they've had the same argument hundreds of times."

First of all… *warmhug*

I think a LOT of us on here may shed a tear or two with a glass of wine while looking back along the paths out lives have taken… I know there are some moments in my own that I can’t even spare a passing glance because of the heartache. But we learn as we go… and we grow as we learn. And every hardship just makes us stronger. I believe everything happens for some sort of cosmic reason… and that the greatest human gift is our hope for a brighter future. *lifts glass to cheers*

It’s such a tangled web with all of these relationships… sometimes DH will be doing something that causes Mother Russia and I to exchange a “there he goes again” look and I really gotta step back and say, “whoa… she gets it too!” She’s been through the worst with this man and still has to face him on a daily basis for the sake of her kids… as he has to face her forever. The more you think about it the more uncomfortable it gets… that’s why I can’t dwell on it too much. I try to take in “our” relationship for what it is and not make myself nuts about what they did or didn’t do. But I feel you on trying to see it from her point of view and trying not to jump to conclusions.

Stay strong Sita Tara…
(*pssssssst* I’m a Tara too! )

What a great post!