I challenge you

I have spoken with many of you thru PMs about my blog about a friend who challenged me to define my happiness, my own wants and desires.

I want to challenge all of you. What is it that you crave?

It can't be specific to anyone but yourself. You can't lay the proof in any other person in your life.

It took me two days, a night of restless sleep, and a realization of just how dependent I am on others to define my happiness to come up with this answer:

I crave independence. I think I've been misinterpreting this as wanting to more or less "escape", when in reality I don't think it really is. I don't crave freedom really, just being able to break away a little from the expectations that restrain me.

I crave new ways of defining myself. I became a mother at 17 which meant amongst a lot of other things, I had to grow up and prioritize in a different way than most of my peers. It has completely shaped my life and my purpose. As my kids are getting older and are becoming self sufficient, I find myself a little lost.

I crave adventure but not in a grand way. Just new people, places, experiences. I love the happenings going on outside my own little world. I find such joy in taking a bike path that I've never been on and seeing a strange tree with wine bottles hung from it like Christmas ornaments. I want to make good memories so I can have some storytelling time when I am old.

I crave a little less chaos. I don't know that this can be accomplished while the kids are young, but I do crave it. A little more peace in the wake of the ongoing commotion that encompasses my day to day life.

I crave being liked for more than just the things I do. I don't even believe I need recognition anymore. I just think I would prefer to be seen as a likable person not liked because I am dependable and responsible. I crave more people in my life who are like my best friend, who loves me with not a string attached.

I crave balance most of all.

Colorado Girl's blog
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Oh vicks...

I see myself in you more and more everyday. It's good to know I am not an anomaly.

We wear masks. I hide behind an extravagant one. I am well liked by many but well known by so very few. For the very same reason as you... I am so very afraid.

Vicki, we subconsciencly do a lot of things. Maybe you did marry for this reason. I now know why I picked DH in all his glory... to fulfill my own "rescuing" need. For if I'm busy fixing everyone else, I don't have to face my own demons. But in reality, I may be the one who needs the most fixing in this whole debacle.

Figuring out that we want to be more than what we've always been is a good thing. Don't be sad that you are lost a little bit. At least you are now self aware, flicked that light on so you at least are no longer blindly reaching your arms out in the dark trying to find your way.

And I am your friend, even if it's in bits and pixels on a screen.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

I need

Definition of happiness or what I crave:

I need respect from the people in my life that is equal to the respect I give them. I need a predictable schedule. If I am expected to love my stepdaughter like she’s my own, I need to be given some control over how she is raised and what kind of woman she’ll become. I need open communication. I need romance from my husband. I need to feel safe, secure, and protected but I also need the freedom to be alone with myself and my thoughts when the task of this life becomes too daunting. I need to feel as though my family is a unit where no one is better than anyone else. I want to feel comfortable in my own home without feeling like an intruder when mini-BM comes around. I want my life to be exactly that…MY LIFE without having someone else dictate what I should look like, how I should dress, how much education I should have in order to be “deserving” of DH. I need a balance of passion and patience. I need a cooler temper. I need the ability to trust. I need the strength to tear down my own walls.

If I could have these things…I’d be happy.

"We all have different desires and needs, but if we don't discover what we want from ourselves and what we stand for, we will live passively and unfulfilled.”

You've completely missed it...

The most important part of the challenge.

It can't be specific to anyone but yourself. You can't lay the proof in any other person in your life.

You lay the key to your happiness in the hands of EVERYONE else in your life. (Its what took me so long to answer, I do the exact same thing)

You have listed wants...and then who robs them from you.

You are the master here. You are the architect of your happiness. The only person to blame here is you.

BitchBitchBarbie, it's why you are so UNhappy. Your entire self reflection is based on what those around you are doing, saying, and taking away from you.

You are disillusioned thinking that if every person around you started fitting into your life the way you want them to... there would lie your happiness. When in fact, they would be doing exactly what you are mad at them for.. they would be living up to expectations set by someone other than themselves.

So I ask you again, without laying the proof in any one other person... what do you crave?

"I need to feel safe, secure, and protected but I also need the freedom to be alone with myself and my thoughts when the task of this life becomes too daunting."

This is a great start.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

well i guess I just don't get it then.

Glad everyone else does. I shall remain unhappy and bitchy.

"We all have different desires and needs, but if we don't discover what we want from ourselves and what we stand for, we will live passively and unfulfilled.”

BBB

I dont think that's what CG meant....dont take it personally.

I'm not.

I'm thinking...

"We all have different desires and needs, but if we don't discover what we want from ourselves and what we stand for, we will live passively and unfulfilled.”

OK

Just didnt want you to take it personally...CG's a sweet person.....I know she didnt mean it that way....

i'm sure she didn't mean it any way other than

trying to get me to dig further into myself. I'm just frustrated that I obviously don't get it. Maybe I'm just simply not that deep?

"We all have different desires and needs, but if we don't discover what we want from ourselves and what we stand for, we will live passively and unfulfilled.”

LOL

I know what you mean!

Honey...

It took me two days.

Lost sleep... and a flood of tears.

It's what happens to those of us who do for others. Who know no better than to sacrifice.

Who hide behind our bitchiness...

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

oooohhh....I do that!

I hide behind my bitchiness sometimes too!

hmmm....

"What is it that you crave?" (but this can't involve other people?)
For me I honestly can't think of how to get ALL the things I crave without some sort of modification in action and behavior from the people around me. My needs are intertwined with the people in my life, so this self reflection can't exclude what I need from them, my therapist says that in order to gain happiness you have to be able to tell the people in your life what you desire and need to be happy.
As far as REALLY reflecting on myself...I thought I had addressed it properly:
I need a balance of passion and patience. I need a cooler temper. I need the ability to trust. I need the strength to tear down my own walls.

"You have listed wants...and then who robs them from you." I've listed my needs required for my happiness, I don't understand how many of these needs can be separated from the people in my life. I can be happy with myself all day long but if the people in my life aren't giving me what I give to them, it sort of has a way of disrupting that inner peace.

I suppose I just don't get the challenge after all. Sorry, I really tried though

"We all have different desires and needs, but if we don't discover what we want from ourselves and what we stand for, we will live passively and unfulfilled.”

I think one good point was made

and I think this came from Cruella. She said "You have to teach others how to treat you." I believe that is absolutely true. I think this is the point Triple BBB is making too. We all want to be happy and the key to our happiness lies within ourselves. But also, the people we deal with on a day to day basis have to be respectful of us. We have the right to expect that from them.

exactly.

that's what I was saying. But I think it's off base from the question still since it involves other people and this is supposed to be strictly "self".

"We all have different desires and needs, but if we don't discover what we want from ourselves and what we stand for, we will live passively and unfulfilled.”

I think that this rings true.

But it has nothing to do what I'm asking.

Defining your happiness is not focusing on those and that which makes you unhappy... and wanting it to change

All that does is make you see what you don't have in your life, instead of learning to be content with what you do have.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

ok...

so basically happiness is what my momma says...making chicken salad out of chicken sh*t and being happy you have something to eat.

"We all have different desires and needs, but if we don't discover what we want from ourselves and what we stand for, we will live passively and unfulfilled.”

Did you really try?

Don't give up so easily.

Yes, we can crave human interaction. This is very important to our own mental health.

But you have to allow people be who they are. Not try to mold them to fit your life.

You are completely placing your needs being met in others peoples hands. If you're hungry, you can explain to those around you about this need being met... or you can go eat.

You and I can agree to disagree. You can accept that your happiness does lie in people in your life giving what you want and deserve. But then you have to learn to forgive those people when they are not able to meet your expectations.

I am learning to accept people for who they are, they either fit in my life or they don't. I can't change them, I can't make my husband be any more than what he is. I agree that we should hold people in our life to certain standards, but trying to change them to meet a standard is futile.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

I think you misunderstood me

It's not my desire to try to change the people in my life...forgive me if that's how I made it sound. You are absolutely right in stating it is futile to try to change people.
"I am learning to accept people for who they are, they either fit in my life or they don't." And if they don't fit into your life...then what? Im not asking to be a smartmouth, I'm just asking because I think several people in my life don't fit so does that mean I have to write them out of my life? How do you handle the people that don't fit and you can't get rid of them?

Forgive me if I'm being difficult but I don't want to agree to disagree. You presented a challenge and I'd like to understand it so that I too can be at peace.

"We all have different desires and needs, but if we don't discover what we want from ourselves and what we stand for, we will live passively and unfulfilled.”

Okay...

"And if they don't fit into your life...then what?"

You either change your perception... or sometimes you do walk away.

Take my husband. He is in a codependent/enmeshed relationship with his exwife. I find this hard to take. I feel that it takes away from my own marriage. I have exhausted myself trying to get him to move on from this dysfunctional relationship. I have tried being everything he wanted me to be to sway him away and I have tried stomping my feet and screaming my worth, demanding that it be different.

But you see, our perception of what is going on are very different. He thinks he can take on the weight of the world, be her savior AND be my husband when in reality it is just not so. For I am unhappy based on my own wants and needs not being met from this marriage. He's unhappy because I am no longer sacrificing myself like I always have.

And around we go.

So instead of molding him, I am working instead on me. I am finding outside resources of my own finding to determine my worth, my happiness. I can't lay that weight on my husband anymore. I am changing my perception of my situation, realizing that my husband does love me, but has a need to be enmeshed with his exwife for whatever reason. Does that mean he doesn't just absolutley love me? Of course not. I just need to decide whether it's enough.

"How do you handle the people that don't fit and you can't get rid of them?"

You place no value in them. No value in their words or their actions. You take away their power to have any affect on you.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

I like this...amazing sentence

"You place no value in them. No value in their words or their actions. You take away their power to have any affect on you."

All I have to say is "WOW!" I hate to be dramatic but this is the most valuable sentence! Thank you:)

"We all have different desires and needs, but if we don't discover what we want from ourselves and what we stand for, we will live passively and unfulfilled.”

BBB I get what you are saying

It's why I am trying to find balance. There has to be balance for me. Not for everyone or perhaps the definition of that varies for each of us to the degree that one person calls balanced what I call one sided and vise versa.

I left my first H b/c I could not balance finding myself with his need to keep me and the dynamic of our marriage the same as when we first met. This was totally my lack of sense of self that caused the problem. He didn't change, I did. Then he tried to change to keep me, but couldn't sustain it. My requests weren't unreasonable, but his needs were not in sync with mine. Could we have overcome that? I'm not sure now. Maybe we could have. But I wasn't ready to compromise myself to that degree, or rather, I didn't know how to balance things out without giving away all of me to the cause.

I thought when I left, when I took care of myself on my own for 5 years, that I had mastered whatever it was that caused me to compromise all of me for the man and children in my life. Then after meeting DH and SD, I have come to know I hadn't mastered it. I ran away from the challenge b/c I wasn't ready for it, didn't understand it, etc.

And honestly, those 5 years on my own (as far as a man in my life) were so incredibly rewarding. But toward the end of them I was very tired, emotionally and physically, of not having someone special, a lover, a best friend, a co-parent, etc. I realized that though my school and work were highly rewarding, I was missing the "rest". I was so much smarter in knowing how to fall in love and didn't force it at all, didn't change who I was to suit a man at all. Kissed a couple of frogs, then found if not a "prince" at least an equal in the art of loving, giving, caring, prioritizing, supporting etc.

But he came with a bonus.

Another person who would challenge my ability to set healthy boundaries. Another person I would feel like I was drowning under. Another person who would seduce me with her neediness, and I would find myself full circle, in a relationship that seemed to require me to put myself below a just cause. I think actually, that I am starting toward a level of gratitude for SD's presence, as far as I cannot just up and walk away from her. She doesn't really deserve that, nor does DH, nor do I or my Bkids for that matter.

So because I can't...

I have to turn and sort it out once and for all. Find the balance of loving unconditionally without losing myself in the process. Because for me...

That is the balance that leads to happiness.

Do the things that bring you joy, love those in your life with all you have with no expectation of what comes back from either of those two things. I sincerely believe if I turn my intentions in that direction, I will find that happiness comes in very small and ordinary packages.

I love that

"Do the things that bring you joy, love those in your life with all you have with no expectation of what comes back from either of those two things."

It's like that saying that likens happiness to a butterfly... when you are chasing after it, she will elude you...instead taking the time to stop and smell the flowers, and she will set upon your shoulder. (or something to that effect :P)

We'll get there my old friend, I have a new beacon of hope that is shining bright.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

my happiness

I need to feel independent, like I can make it no matter what. I want to finish my master's in library science & have my own library. I want respect from my SKs & BM. I really want to travel, to leave the country once every year or two for apme new & exciting adventure ~Bookgirl~

I would have to think about this

a lot more than a few mins....maybe days, like you, but my first instinct is to say that "I crave peace". peace in a way I have never known......

I was once in this situation

but not anymore. After several years of adrenal fatigue and emotional issues dealing with everyone else's problems and trying to fix them, I threw in the towel. My health was going downhill and I'm surprised I didn't end up in the nut ward. I really lost myself there for a while. It was so bad my PA gave me Ambien because I wasn't sleeping at all. You've all heard how bad that stuff is.

Today, I try to take better care of myself and if that means putting myself first then that's what I do. Recently one thing I decided I wanted was a boat. I just got my truck paid off - in fact, I've still got the final payment in my purse. I mail it today. Growing up, I learned to ski and was always on the lake. I told DH -I'm getting a boat. I want one. Guess what - we've had a blast. It's what I wanted and I got it. DH followed along and he is going to help me pay for it. Next, I learn to ski again - and wakeboard - and kneeboard. Because that is what I want to do. It's nice that everyone is following me for a change and not the other way around.

Here is a picture of her in case anyone is interested. It's not listed on the dealer site but it is still listed on Boat Trader - they need to remove it cause it's mine! We bought it on the day MJ died - I think I'll name her Thriller.
http://www.boattrader.com/listing/2009-SEA-DOO-200-Speedster-95259423

Sweet boat!

Super congrats on that!! I think Thriller is a great name!

Thanks WSM

I think everyone should have exactly what their heart desires!

Love the boat!

That is one of our favorite places to bond (on ours). This is Thrilling-!!!

"It's funny how dogs and cats know the inside of folks better than other folks do, isn't it?"
- Eleanor H. Porter (1868 - 1920), 'Pollyanna', 1912

therapy shall be fun tonight!

I tell myself I can take care of myself alone…but it would make me really happy if I truly KNEW I could take care of myself alone.

I crave the ability to let go of things and situations I can’t change instead of making myself sick over it(literally sick...I have panic attacks and such).
I crave the courage to try new things instead of sitting on the sidelines
I wish I were more flexible in my ways
Perhaps since CG is correct in assessing I most likely place my happiness on the heads of what others say and do…what I really crave is a reprieve from the people and places in my life. Solitude.
I crave the wisdom to stop feeling responsible for the happiness of everyone around me.

I can't add anything else without reverting back to involving others...that's assuming I got the point this time. Interesting post CG and appopriately titled when called "challenge". I truly admire your ability to completely step up to this challenge.

"We all have different desires and needs, but if we don't discover what we want from ourselves and what we stand for, we will live passively and unfulfilled.”

Oh wow,

I have PA's too. Not fun. It all stems from not feeling in control. This is what I have learned - I don't need to be in control - at least not all the time. The last big one I had was in Wal-Mart of all places. I could feel it coming on, but too late. I think DH freaks when it happens. they come out of nowhere - just not as much now.

Sorry I keep heading off topic!

What I crave

I crave freedom to express myself
I crave solitude to indulge myself
I crave health to energize myself

I crave knowledge to grow myself
I crave culture to create myself
I crave friendship to engage myself

I crave laughter to relieve myself
I crave tears to acknowledge myself
I crave lessons to challenge myself

I crave spirituality to enlighten myself
I crave love to nurture myself
I crave gratitude to appreciate myself

I crave....

inspiration to elevate myself

Thanks CG.

awesome!

you never fail to disappoint!

... my little kindred friend

you've defined your cravings and even as to why.

You know I crave inspiration so.

It gives me such faith in human kindness and that nature that resonates in all of us.

I'm so tired of being held back by my anger, I want to be set free. I want to shine in my own right.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

"I'm so tired of being held

"I'm so tired of being held back by my anger, I want to be set free."

This is one of the truest statements I've heard in a long time. I ditto this one.

I'm just getting back to ST after a very long hiatus...this is something that I'm going to have dig up from within myself. It will certainly be a life changing journey to figure out just exactly what makes ME truly happy. I don't think I've ever even tried to figure that out which is likely why I feel so unhappy sometimes.

My old friend. It has been

My old friend.

It has been a VERY long hiatus. Big hugs.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

CG...have you read the

book "co-dependant no more" by Melodie Beatty? And another is "the Courage to Love yourself" I dont know who wrote that one....BUT... they are great books and what I primarily used to get me through my first divorce.

No..

but I sure am getting suggestions to do so.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

Lemons are sour, lemonade is tangy and sweet.

One makes you pucker and one makes you smile but they both taste pretty good.

Define my happiness, my own wants and desires?

I want the freedom to excel and succeed by my own efforts and the environment and culture to continuously rediscover how to do it.

I want the prescience to learn from my mistakes and the mistakes of others.

I want to reap what I sew and keep what I grow.

I want to watch and guide my son to grow as a person of standing in his community and for him to realize that my foot up his ass is intended to take up the space often occupied by his head and is the ultimate expression of my love for him.

I want my parents to enjoy their golden years.
I want my Brother and his family to thrive.
I want my friends and their families to thrive.

I want all people to realize that the most valuable help they will ever get is from themselves.

I want all to realize that they cannot receive love unless they give it.

I desire my Wife's smiles and every minute I can have making a life with her.

Happy? Life makes me happy. I pride myself in never having had a single day in my entire life that was completely bad. Every day has given something to smile about ........ however horrible the rest of the day may have been.

Best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

Rags.

I really think you are a balanced and beautiful soul

It's so funny how mad you used to make me... and I'm ever so grateful that I was wise enough not to write you off.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

CG, Thanks for hanging in there with me.

I can understand how you were frustrated and angry with me early in my STalker tenure. (I passed a year as a STalker a couple of weeks ago by the way).

I get frustrated and angry with myself sometimes. For me life is an eternal cycle of extended periods of being the Rags I want to be and performing to Rags standards interspersed with short periods where I am not the Rags I prefer being and my performance wanes a bit.

But, that's life and I forgive myself, take a do-over and move on.

Your response to my "what makes me happy" post, interestingly enough, gave me a bit of an emotional hitch. It coincided with my departure from one of those short term periods where I am not being the Rags I like being.

It is always a joy to rediscover the Rags I like and it is certainly nice when others confirm that Rags is not so bad of a person.

My Wife made a comment (unsolicited) on Sunday similar to what you replied with. Hmmmmmmm????? Maybe I am not the only one who thinks that Rags is not so bad.

Thanks for your support and friendship over the past year (or at least after we got through the get to know each other phase) ;).

I look forward to continuing to glean valuable perspective from the STalker community and learning from everyone's experiences.

Best regards, (really)
Rags

Like I said the other day, I

Like I said the other day, I want to be content in my independence. I have independence, but it's not always what I'm comfortable with.

Oh, and I want to be ok with nasty water getting on me while I'm in a kayak and not to secretly be thinking about all the diseases I could be getting from it because geese swim in that water (among other things) while my friend sits behind me wondering what she craves.

To every thing there is a season.

My girl. :)

"Oh, and I want to be ok with nasty water getting on me while I'm in a kayak and not to secretly be thinking about all the diseases I could be getting from it because geese swim in that water (among other things) while my friend sits behind me wondering what she craves."

I love this and thank you for being my real life friend who lets me ponder in my own way and in my own time... and accepts me just the way I am.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

FRIED PICKLES!!!!!! I always

FRIED PICKLES!!!!!!

I always crave them. Why???? I have not a clue.

Freeze, The only place I

Freeze,

The only place I know that offers them nation wide is Hooters. But, theirs are not the best I have had.

I recommend whipping up a batch of Tempura batter and dipping either Dill Pickle Spears or Slices in the batter then frying them.

I prefer dipping them in a spicy sauce (spicy mayo or a buffalo wing sauce would work well IMHO) on the side. I would not recommend slathering them in the sauce. They tend to get mushy if they sit too long and extra sauce will just speed up the process.

Your huskies may like them also so make sure to do a big batch.

Best regards,

I love that this blog came

I love that this blog came back to life.

I had forgotten about it.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

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