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Am I being selfish?

cain8cody12's picture

Okay, so a little background. My fiance and I have been together for 3 years. We are getting married on July 5th of this year. We moved in together last September and it has been a big adjustment for me. I have two bs's. One is 18 the other 14. I have raised them by myself their entire lives. He has 2 bd's, one is 15 the other 12. I have known both of them most of their lives. He has been divorced from their bm for almost 2 years. They had a really long drawn out divorce that lasted 28 months. The divorce papers state 50/50 custody with each parent getting the children on Friday to Friday. I have my sons 100 percent of the time, father is not in the picture at all. My boys go and do things on the weekends and always have so me having alone time was never an issue and my DF has never had to compete if that is the correct way to describe it. For the first year we were together he only had his girls every weekend and a day during the week, the rest of the time he lived at my home. We had some privacy and some alone time then. Now his girls are with us all but 2 days of each month and it is always in the middle of the week when we are both too exhausted to enjoy each others company. We work opposite schedules so time together is very limited. His girls get to see him on average about 6 hours per day while I on the other hand get 30 minutes per day except on Sundays when we are both off. I don't want to seem selfish but aren't parenting plans put in place for a reason? We pay her child support and she never has her kids or pays for anything they need. My DF says that she is not fit to be a mom so he doesn't mind having the kids all the time but my issue is that he is a truck driver and was gone for a lot of his kids lives and the bm was fine to have them all that time with no danger to them so why is now any different. Then on Sundays when we could spend any quality time together, his girls want to take off with him alone when he is off all day on Saturdays with them. I am really starting to resent them and I don't want to. They are constantly telling their BM things that don't really happen at our home. For instance, sex for us is very limited. If we ever have the time or energy is very rare. They have told their BM that they had to go outside because they hear noises coming from our room. That is very disrespectful and also completely untrue. When we do get a chance to spend any time together in our room we are usually interrupted every couple of minutes with mundane requests from them. I am not a young lady, I am 40 and so is he but that doesn't mean that we don't wish to be intimate and show our affections when the children are not present. My feeling is that they are old enough to know that we need some privacy and alone time too. How can I approach this with the DF and not sound like I am telling him to ship off his kids. I don't mind them being there I would just like to have some alone time with him and not have to worry about who might be listening. Any help would be appreciated.

Comments

cain8cody12's picture

My thoughts exactly, I have told him he needs to tell her he is going to take her back to court and he says "no because then she will get them for visitation more". My thought process is if it makes her spend time with her kids then it is producing the intended result but he doesn't feel that way. I have two bs's who don't get half the stuff or half the money we spend on his girls everyday and my boys don't ask. I am starting to resent this and so are my boys.

stepmom2one's picture

CS and custody are two different things. You have to go to court separately.

If he files for a change in circumstances regarding CS it will likely stop. This may cause her to file for more visitation or her custody of EOWk back. That is a risk he needs to take, we are not talking about 1 or 2 here but 6 yrs of payments. She is taking advantage of her children, it is wrong. He is wrong for letting it continue.

StepChicka's picture

You're not getting enough alone time with your DH. Tell him. And you're not being selfish---you're pointing out what makes a romantic relationship survive. Kids, job, hobbies, it's all a balance but you have nothing if the love you two have for each other doesn't get the attention it needs. You might as well be room mates or living on your own.

As far as the logistics of the kids always being there, and making comments about hearing whathaveyou in the bedroom, that's just life...for everyone. Intact families deal with this and some get no breaks. Poor kids have to hear the parents go at all the time....lol

the CS thing...eh I've heard that before but it sounds like FH isn't hurting or else he wouldn't be buying his kids so much. Talk to him about this too. Something that's fair for all the kids like having a savings for "kidfun only". I'm only saying this because he's subjecting others in the house due to overpaying CS. If he wants to subject you to it then that means you're included in it therefore have a right to be involved and come up with solutions. If that doesnt work then don't pay as much in the bills. If he wants his kids entertainment to come first then so can yours. Otherwise, yes dear, the resent will build and make a mess of things.

stepmom2one's picture

I do wish that you had more time with your DH. I do not think you are selfish for wanting that. But with 4 kids time is always an issue.

My DH and I are expecting our 4th child (our 3rd BS, 1 SD) and work opposite shifts as well. I only work part time but I certainly understand where you are coming from.

I hope for you and I that we get a "date" night alone with DHs every other wk or something. Otherwise I just hang in there....we/you put the kids first. In the end I think it is all worth it--they will turn out to be well rounded adults with all the time we put into them!