why I hate the thought of a non-nuclear family for BD4
Tonight I told my sons if they couldn't monitor themselves (content and time spent) on the computer I would put the parental controls for times back on and they would have to ask me. I finally let them have access whenever they want, and it's reached a point where they're on it non flippin' stop.
So BS15 says, "Why do I even have to come here." And "If that's how you're going to be then I don't want to come here."
This sums up in a nutshell why it sucks for kids to have two houses.
They feel forever as though they have another option.
Don't like mom's rules b/c she has SOME?
Just let her know you wish you could live at dad's all the time b/c he doesn't have them.
I cried when he said it. I told him thanks for reminding me exactly why I'm so upset to be doing this again with BD4.
Because I can't wait for the day, like my real life friend Associalism posted recently about how her daughter has decided to go where there's less supervision and rules, for BD4 to figure out this game.
At DAD'S house I get to stay up til
At DAD'S house I get to eat...
DAD says I can have...
Etc etc etc etc etc.
I hate that part most of all. Even more than missing my time with my kids. The fact that once you split up the kids feel they can choose the highest bidder.
No more united front. I don't care how hard you try, it's impossible in two houses. Let alone when the steps come in (no offense I was one of them who's rules and parenting were under surveillance by BM b/c SD at first would brag about how great I was.
Then b/c she complained about how ridiculous and evil I was.
I can't wait for all of that.
I hate what we're facing in the future as parents of BD4.
The end of any sort of normal for all of us.
I am so flipping tired of it all again. I never wanted to do this dance again.
And to know...it's for another 14 or so years... 
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Sita this is my biggest
Sita this is my biggest fear. I want my daughter to be raised by me and her father. I've vowed to stay with him no matter what..........I just hope that's possible.
It's a huge fear girl..........
I'm so sorry you have to walk this line AGAIN!!
I can tell you......I have a baby girl who will be 3 in August. I don't want to share her with another woman. I don't want her to have another Mother figure in her life. I want to be it for her. I want to be mom, the only mom, for her entire life.
If I had to share her I don't know if I wouldn't turn out like some of the mom's that alot of these people deal with.
She's YOUR daughter...........of course you don't want her to go through what so many children on this page alone go through.
When I think about my BIL I
When I think about my BIL I mentioned in the last blog, and how he and my youngest niece have the best SF/SD relationship?
Well...
My exBIL wasn't in the picture at ALL while she was growing up, b/c he was in jail.
I think about that too. She is the most accomplished and happiest of my sister's 3 kids, and it's likely b/c she was raised by my sister and her husband the whole time, while the other two had more interaction with their dad. When my exBIL resurfaced in my nephew's life when he was a senior in high school, he bonded with him by introducing him to drugs. My nephew is a recovering addict. Still drinks and smokes.
I just hate this Jen...I hate that BD4 is headed for this. I would have done anything to avoid it, if only my H would have been up to that task and valued that as much as I do.
Why would anyone who's witnessed how dysfunctional even the best case scenario of this is, choose it again?
"Why would anyone who's
"Why would anyone who's witnessed how dysfunctional even the best case scenario of this is, CHOOSE it again?"
I don't know honey. I just don't know.
Sita, this is one more
Sita, this is one more reason I never had another baby. I couldn't stand the thought of having one who didn't have a mom and dad together and then one who (hopefully) did. It all just hurts way too much. I'm so sorry you're going through all this.
I completely agree - I am
I completely agree - I am the step mom in one of the homes that lovely SD15 has to choose from and all we ask of her is to speak to adults with at least respect even if she thinks they are "stupid" and to pass all of her classes so she can graduate when she's expected. It's just that simple. Every now and then we ask her to pick up her room so it doesn't smell so bad and help around the house when I become overwhelmed.
Today the argument is how she speaks to adults and her grades - she tells me she's done with this conversation which in turn causes my blood pressure to overflow! Now, she's going back to mom's in the summer and I can't say I'm sad about it. But I told her before and I will stand by this, she goes back to Mom, she will NEVER come back here no matter how bad it is there. And considering our relationship has gone so sour, I don't think she will look back when she leaves. It's unfortunate for her Dad because now his 3rd child will be so self absorbed and inconsiderate that he won't have a relationship with them. I personally don't care. I can't live with her anymore. I have tried and tried and tried but just as she can't seem to get it that not everything she is told is to make her miserable, I can't seem to just lie down and let her mistreat me.
If my marriage fails because of her influence, I will never marry another man with a child, whether he has anything to do with them or not. This is the worst roller coaster ride I've ever been on and I want to get off! Can't wait for June!!!
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I believe 100% that kids of
I believe 100% that kids of divorce should NOT have the option to choose which parent to live with unless there is proven abuse or neglect in their home. If there is proven abuse or neglect, there should be no questions asked or second chances and custody change should be ordered by the courts.
I disagree, I think that
I disagree, I think that once they are older and in their teens, they should have some say in where they live.
But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous
My thoughts about this aren't
My thoughts about this aren't about whether they should choose. SD chose us after all, a decision that I supported and encouraged as I thought we could make a difference. She never said she should go back to BM's, but BM made it clear all along that she could never choose her anyway.
My sons don't mean it when they say it. It's a tool to argue and manipulate my emotions. A tool they wouldn't possess if I had stayed married to their dad.
That's one of the side effects I see of all this divorce and splitting time between homes. Kids know there's another way, and believe me they don't always want that way full time necessarily, but growing up I never even considered there was another way to live. Our family culture was all I had- good times and bad.
It's like how I never worried if my parents loved me more than my sibs, or which was their favorite. I know some nuclear families have that but I did not feel that way.
I may have wished for a different set of parents, but I didn't have the option of such.
The thought of exponential parenting for BD4 is just breaking my heart. No wonder we're becoming so entitled as a society- how confusing is it to have two cultures, two different set of rules, little consistency from home to home, etc.
Even if the rules are fine at each place, even if the families are well adjusted at each place (though I haven't met anyone that is totally true for) there are still TWO sets.
I think personally, this is part of why teen borderline issues are skyrocketing. Splitting, black and white thinking, is fostered this way.
I have always wondered what the boys would do when they grow up and move out one day and have ONE house. Will they be restless? Will they crave another? Will they be unable to commit to one person too?
Or will they "rebel" by being "normal" and settle for contentment with someone else who is determined not to live this way. God I hope so.
I keep thinking of my friend who grew up with multiple step families between both parents marrying and divorcing several times. She isn't really happily married BUT she refuses to leave him. She said "I will NEVER put my kids through what I went through." So even if her H left her, she would likely stay alone til they're grown up- that's how awful she feels her experience was of repeatedly adjusting to a new family/ home culture.
And now to know that BD4 will be doing this as well. My heart is broken. I understand now why some (Wicked, was that you?) chose not to have another child.
I always wanted more children. Craved a sibling for BD4 to grow up with. We even talked of adopting. Thank God we didn't now.
I know this won't be popular on here, but after my experience with my sons, even though I totally get along with my ex and his wife, I don't believe in shared parenting (time wise) in every situation. I will allow ample time between BD4 and her dad, I am already doing that now.
I think that the 1990s-til noww, the popularity of shared parenting has contributed to a lot of issues with raising the kids consistently. I would much rather he be fun and entertaining dad, and this be the home that has the rules and take the fall out of being mean old mom...
than the back and forth that a child who feels neither house is THEIR home.
I think two homes leads to the kids feeling they aren't fully vested anywhere and that they have an elevated sense of entitlement (I do chores there- did them last night- why should I here sorta thing.)
Sorry to go off on a tangent. Just so overwhelmed as Jen said above, to have this totally not by my choice. The women I've met who are really ok with this situation, had H's who at least tried to reconcile, and eventually the wife decided she was done in the marriage. So even though the cheating caused the eventual end...
the wife chose to forgive or not, but still had a choice in the marriage ending...I don't.
I have read your blogs for
I have read your blogs for about three years now and, since I haven't said this beforehand, I'd like to take the opportunity now to say that I am so sorry you are going through this.
I'm not quite sure I want to express my feelings on this in a public way, but I wanted to share my thoughts with you, as a child of divorce.
As a COD, I am so grateful that I was able to have one place that I called "home." I lived with my Mom and visited my BD EOW, sometimes less, but that was only because my BD just didn't come to get me. I think, if I would have been in a shared parenting situation, I would be a different person, and not in a good way.
I tend to fall into the category of those who believe that children of divorced parents should have one main residence and liberal, scheduled visitation with the other parent. Kids need the stability, security and routine that comes with living in one home for a majority of the time. I also agree with you and believe that shared, 50/50 parenting has contributed to the entitled attitude pervasive in children over the last 10 years. I think it's schizophrenic. I think it is the literal "splitting of the child" that King Solomon described. And, believe me, the only person who pays in that scenario is the child.
I remember hearing something long ago that the child doesn't live in two separate places, the parents do. And yet we put all the pressure, all the work, all the blame on the child. The one person who did not ask for this, who did not do anything, the one person who deserves more than anyone to be considered in this whole mess is the one person who has to bear the burden of fitting in and forming new relationships and making everyone happy. The parents don't have to change anything but their address. But the kids have to change where they live so many times a month you'd think they were traveling salesmen!
No wonder they act out! I know I would.
I wish you all the best in this road you're traveling. It's so hard right now, but you won't be walking uphill all the time. Take care of yourself.
Thank you so very much for
Thank you so very much for sharing your thoughts. I did shared parenting with my sons, b/c I thought it was so unfair to impose less time with their dad, a good dad, and had heard good things about it from some others who had managed to do it well.
They are good kids overall, but I think they have less foundation of family than I did. Of course I can't compare my situation. My family was ripped apart by a trauma of a different sort- when my oldest brother's car was hit by a drunk driver/high speed police chase when he was 17 and I was 12.
I had a terrible adolescence, and am sensitive to how hard adolescence is in the best circumstances, let alone the worst.
The fact that my H has made this decision when my sons are 13 (in a month) and 16 (in 3 mos) is highly upsetting to me as well. One reason I divorced when they were so young was I didn't want to disrupt their teen years.
Best laid plans I guess.
Thanks again- this meant a lot to me.
Sita