I have posted a number of times about the totally dysfunctional and unhealthy way of interacting that FH and BM have. Their relationship makes me very sad for FH and feel so much anger towards BM. She was/is psychologically abusive to him, she manipulates him constantly, he does whatever/whenever she asks (though she treats him like sh-- before, during, and after). He bends over backward to appease her and he demonstrates so much fear in the face of her....
I will try to be as brief as I can here. They each have 50% physical custody. For 8 years, SS10 would spend M/T with FH, W/Th with BM, F with one parent, Sat/Sun with the other. When I started spending more time with them a year or so ago I realized this insanity of this, that it required CONSTANT phone calls and switching the pickup/drop off time and place, that it required FH (us) to be at her beck/call all the time. I asked FH to switch the weekends so that SS was with one household for F-Sun nights and that this alternated. This has been the arrangement since last fall.
However, in the midst of it, when it doesn't work for her, she just will keep SS, she'll schedule days with her without asking us (but tells SS the something special she has planned for him when he is with her), she waits until the last minute before committing to time during holidays/breaks, thus not allowing us to make any of our own plans (if we did she would scream at FH, she would tell SS that his dad made his own plans prior to waiting for him, etc.). Now, my FH is not perfect! He is terribly organized, doesn't keep all the dates/changes straight, he always forgets to keep his phone charged, he looses track of time, etc.
At the end of January we planned out the custody schedule for the rest of the school year. I cannot have a life where it is always figured out last minute and changes at the last minute. Nor can I have a life that revolves fully around SS and this schedule and the constant "negotiations" (as FH and BM put it) about where he'll be. I find it so selfish on both of their parts-- their son has increasingly unhappiness and anxiety and talks to me about hating all of the moving around, not being able to live like this anymore, etc. I emphasize with him, often, b/c I grew up with divorced parents.
Last weekend and the emails between them are the last straw. BM told us 3 weeks ago that we had messed up the spring schedule and all the weekends needed to be reversed. Despite the fact that some things were planned for us, we did so to accommodate a work trip she needed to go on (we think she had the offer of this work trip to Italy and so said we got it wrong so that FH would have the weekend with SS while she was away). However, since we reversed the weekends, she has had "special things" come up and asked to have SS with her last weekend (he was supposed to be with us), all of next week, and the following weekend (during the weekdays that we should have him and the weekend, as well). She actually has SS ask FH about the time and if he can be with her- which I am supportive of (I think it's imp. he advocate for himself), although this feels manipulative b/c she switched the schedule, now wants special accommodations.
FH emailed her yesterday saying that he would agree since the upcoming time is b/c of a visit from grandmother. He then asked to tack on an extra 4 days when she goes to Italy for business, to allow us to keep out of town plans we'd made when we didn't know we had SS (we'll just take him with us). BM responded that "inflexibility only hurts SS."
This made me so so so very angry. I feel like all FH and I do is fight about BM, all of the never-ending schedule stuff, and that it totally encompasses my life. With FH's permission I sent her an email this morning letting her know that this response felt very disrespectful and that I had respected her wishes last weekend and that FH was respecting her and SS's desire for him to be with her and his grandmother. I told her that respect is a two-way street and that if we are to operate respectfully it requires compromise on both sides and each parent giving up these "negotiations" and creating a stable life for their son and one that meets the needs of each family he is a part of. FH saw it before I sent it. It was not inflammatory. She just replied to me and I am afraid to open it!
Please, someone hold my hand virtually while I do! I am a very very strong person, but for some reason I am afraid to do this alone.
Help!