which step mums are the Happiest

i want to put this question out there... which Step mum is the happiest?

1. is it the step mum that does all the "mum" chores? the ones that do the school runs, cooking cleaning, homework, sporting events etc?

2. The step mum that does not get involved? that does nothing with or for the skids?

I am wondering this because i have always been mum number 1 and am constantly told the skids are none of my business and plans are made for the skids via BM and DH despite the fact that when they make these day changes it is ME that has to actually do it. BM rings DH "can you have the kids" DH says "yes" DH then rings me to get me to collect them from school take them home i then cook them dinner and make lunches take them to school the next day and so on. Now if they are none of my business and i do not get consulted why the F am i doing this? If i protest my husband turns it into a big fight about how he says yes cos its for "his kids" Fucking whatever! its because he wont bloody say no to her

I have decided from now on that no, this is not my problem and i am no longer their Patsy.... will this make me happier because right now i am depressed.

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hey alwaysme truth is we

hey alwaysme truth is we never really win FH does not think that when he says yes to take ss how it effects us. for example something that happened two weeks ago. FH brings ss home because he has German measles I was hugely pissed off for two reasons 1. why cant bm look after him instead of going away for the weekend and 2nd i have never had it and could be pregnant and that could be very dangerous. I told FH that its dangerous and all he said was oh well we will just see what happens.

they just dont look past

they just dont look past themselves

I think it is somewhere in

I think it is somewhere in between. When I asked my wife to marry me I a agreed to be the Skid's dad. If I had taken her as my bride and not chosen to be his dad I would have short changed all three of us.

I insisted on being an equity parent with equal say to my wife and DickHead (BioDad) in anything having to do with our son (my SS). I have raised him in my (our) home since he was a year old as my son. I am the one who has been financially responsible for him. BioDad has been on the hook for a pittance in CS but has never paid a dime. SpermGrandMa pays it for him.

I do not know how I could have had a sound marriage without being a parent to my Skid.

The business trip I have been on for the past 5wks re-clarified that being his dad was the right choice. My wife has called me several times to vent about the kid and to discuss the right parenting move for his latest bouts of Cranio-Rectal syndrome. I am glad she has called for my input.

I am the one that helped teach him to read, use the toilet, ride his bike, coached his baseball, soccer and swim teams, gone to parent teacher conferences, band concerts, football games, drill team competitions, boarding school family weekends, and schlepped he and his friends to dances, games, parties, the movies, etc ......

I am the one flying halfway around the world to be at his HS graduation. DickHead nor any of the SpermClan give a shit enough to even show up.

I am no hero. My motivations were purely self serving. I loved his mom and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. To do that I had to be his dad.

Somewhere along the way I realized that I loved the little snot bucket and ......... he became my son. With all the pride, heartbreak, laughter and tears that entails.

Just my experience of course.

Best regards,

Thanks Rags, and you know

Thanks Rags, and you know that is what i wanted too, i wanted to be a part of the skids life and have an input in it because he is my husband and that is my family, unfortunately it is my husband that is making that impossible. In his eyes they are HIS kids. So after 4 years of trying to be a family, i give up. which is a shame.

I agree with Rags - somewhere

I agree with Rags - somewhere in between. I was #1 - and miserable/always fighting with DH. Then for my own sanity and financial protection - became #2, which in turn - landed us in family counseling because I was ready to leave.

In any relationship, whether it's a blended family or a nuclear family, there has to be give and take. After about 4 months of counseling, my DH and I have found a happy medium and it works. I couldn't do everything for my SS16 while his parents sat back - and I couldn't do nothing because he is my DH's son, and #2 implies you aren't 100% committed to your DH.

The one saving grace was open communication and a willingness to listen - it got really ugly before the willingness came, but thank God it came. I had to set clear boundaries as to what I was willing to do, what I was willing to put up with, and I demanded respect at all times from SS and his BM. DH set boundaries and expectations with me as well. It was almost like we were negotiating for months, but the give and take is the only way to be happy in any relationship.

I second this.

I once read that a good, lasting marriage feels like a decades-long contract negotiation.

That’s not a very romantic view but I think it’s true and also beautiful. A lot of people forget that a marriage works, legally, just like a partnership contract...and it should be a partnership that benefits both members, not just the one with the kid.

If you’re depressed and feeling like you’re losing yourself...you have the right to renegotiate the terms to be more beneficial for you. If your DH doesn’t understand that or respect that right...it may be a red flag. It may be that he’s looking for a nanny and maid and not a life partner. The only way to find out is to press the issue.

I think a lot of childless women who get involved with men with kids give up too much of themselves and their freedoms early on...because they love their husbands...and then start to feel lost and depressed and resentful and don’t know what to do about it. They may even feel that since they said yes to these things early on...it’s srong or will make them feel guilty to start saying ‘NO’ at this point. Maybe they feel like it’s unfair.

But what’s actually unfair is a man with baggage using his kids as a trump card in the relationship and an excuse to never have to listen to his wife’s feelings.

So drop the guilt and press the issue. Women are socialized towant to please and to not want to make anyone ‘mad’ but you’re not a child anymore. You can make your DH mad and not worry about it, right...because deep down you DO know that he’s being completely unreasonable and has no right to be mad at you.

Like Denial...I started making it an issue...and it was a long, hard, painful road...but when pressed my DH decided he wanted me in his life MORE than he wanted complete freedom to do whatever he wanted concerning his kids. So he started changing.

After that, it’s not like I never did anything for my skids again...I definitely did. But it was never presumed or just dropped in my lap without discussion and I often said no without any guilt or pushback.

Your DH likely wants you in his life and will likely accept your terms...though he’ll probably fight it at first because he’s very comfortable with the current arrangement (And why wouldn’t he be? He gets all the benefits.) The only way to make it change is to make him so uncomfortable by stepping way, way back. The first couple times he has to rush out of work to pick up his own kids and figure out what to feed them himself...he’ll start to get uncomfortable. The first couple times that he says they can stay the weekend without consulting with you first and you walk out the door and book yourself a hotel...he’ll get very, very uncomfortable.

Ot course, you’ll be talking and explaining your actions, too. Talk AND act is the key. Renegotiate the terms of your relationship. And make him more worried about making you mad than he is about making the ex mad...

I think it completely depends

I think it completely depends on the person, the BM, the children's ages and personalities, the SO, and so many other factors.

In my case, being involved and active in the stepkid's lives has never backfired. There can never be too many people in a child's life that love and support them. Although we can't stand BM and she causes us strife, I decided a long time ago that if I never give her a reason to dislike me, everyone will be in a better place. I try to kill her with kindness and in the last few months it seems she doesn't have a problem with ME. She and DF still have plenty of issues, and she creates plenty of drama in our lives, but when we have the kids things are smooth and very good. My DF is very supportive of me as well and I guarantee I wouldn't feel as good about the situation if he just "expected" me to take up the role I've taken...in fact, my personality would make me completely resent him and I would grow stubborn and selfish and would refuse to do things to help if he EXPECTED me to...that's just how I am!

However, if there was some major PAS going on, or if we didn't have as much visitation with the kids, things might be different. Maybe it'd be different also if BM and my guy had been married...and maybe if the kids were older (they are 2 and 5) it'd be harder for me to have taken up this role - not to mention I think if the kids were older, they would have been more skeptical of me rather than be how accepting they were.

Also, I am at an age where I feel ready to be a mother myself. I think if I had already had children and met someone else's kids I might be singing a different tune. For now, the step kids ARE the only kids I have. And I love them.

As far as the stepmom that is "happier", I think it all depends! You make your own happiness and figure out what works for you. I have seen both sides of this - your type "1" and type "2" - and in my opinion I feel more people are miserable being type 2. But that's just my opinion, and obviously I'm biased and from a very special situation.

I had one more thought about

I had one more thought about this - sorry to be a blog-hog!

It seems that most step-mothers naturally start out at a #1. According to so many blogs on here, there seem to be so many who are sent through hell and back and come out the other side a #2 - all in order to protect themselves and their own sanity.

It is sad but I can understand it, when you are dealing with constant drama from the BM and skids and if the SO isn't on the same page as you...there are definitely so many factors in a step-parent's life that would affect their attitudes towards being a step-parent. I completely understand how those things can happen. My point is that I think most step mom's WANT to be type #1...and later learn they have to become type #2.

I really, really agree with

I really, really agree with this.

I agree with this too.

that is exactly true, and

that is exactly true, and like it was said when we are "expected" to be type 1 we become resentful thus reverting to self preservation

Let me clarify "EXPECTS" of

Let me clarify "EXPECTS" of me - he expects me to support him in his decisions when it comes to his son.

If he decides something that I don't agree with, as long as it doesn't effect my household, my money, or our son - then I need to step back.

When I say "EXPECTS" - it's not that he is expecting me to spoon feed his son and raise him as mine. He just expects that I will back off a little now that he realizes it is not fair for my house or bank account to suffer based on decisions he makes. If it does effect me, then I can say whatever I want and have an opinion in the final decisions.

I'm somewhere in between. I

I'm somewhere in between. I do all the laundry, cooking, planning of things. But its a rewardless job. I dont get the hugs, thank you's or love. I dont pick them up or run them here or there. Dh is their parent and its his responsibility to do so. I help him out when he needs it but I'm not adjusting my schedule and Dh has NEVER asked me to do so.

I love skids and enjoy some time with them and other times I count the seconds till they are leaving. It can strain my relationship with DH, but I've learned to go to our bedroom or out when I feel I'm frustrated with skids. I've said this so many times, 90% of my fights with DH are about skids and BM and the time when we have skids, but NEVER in front of them. When its just DH and I, we rarely disagree on things and are for the most part carefree. DH does get upset if they play a game and I dont play or whatever, but honestly, there are times I just dont want to be around them and I'm free to feel that way.

I have to say somewhere in

I have to say somewhere in the middle.

Being SM#1 has got me no-where. I do everything for this kid. He's with me more than he's with his father or his BM. However, anytime I say his name I know there is a fight to be had. It doesn't even matter what I say... I could say "SS, don't have too much water before bed so you don't have an accident"...met by "You're so harsh, maybe he's thirsty"... I could say "SS, please clean up your toys before you go out" .... met by DH saying "it's my fault it's so messy, I didn't make him clean up yesterday, I will do it"... So... it just angers me even trying...

On the other had

When I try to be SM#2 I'm still saddled with all the day-to-day taking care of this child..like his freaken babysitter, but when I DON'T say anything and let him do whatever he wants, I seethe with resentment...for both SS and DH. I feel like this is not what I signed up for, and definetly not a partnership.

Not sure what the answer is

That is my exact situation, i

That is my exact situation, i tried the first one and then the 2nd one and all number 2 does is make you mad as well, i decided to go on strike and just see if DH would do the washing and the cleaning and the cooking. In the end i couldnt stand the state of the house and i was just boiling on the inside, i didnt ask them to pick their mess up they just did whatever they wanted and DH let them

Interesting read....

I'm a hands on step mum, we really do everything as a family. Housework is shared between us both, but generally anything to do with the girls we do together. However.... their dad's partner (step mum but not married) doesn't get involved at all! They done like her, argue alot with her and tell us about how they really dislike her and wish she wasn't there! They spend 50/50 with us and their dad. I know they have more fun with us as we do things, I'd much rather play a big part in their life, that's what I signed up for, although I did blog this morning about issues I'm having with them, just looking for some advice really but back to your blog, I can't imagine not being part if their lives and doing stuff with them, it would just seem weird! For me anyway. X

Interesting read....

I don’t know which stepmoms

I don’t know which stepmoms are happiest...but I do know that the ones who seem unhappiest are in situations like the one you describe...given all of the responsibility but none of the authority. Expected to ‘make it work’ no matter what comes their way while having no say in their own home...etc.

It’s a situation tailor-made to breed resentment.

But the truth is you do have power and you do have a say. You have a say over what YOU do with YOUR time.

I’d suggest the next time he says yes to having kids without asking you...you just make yourself unavailable. Don’t pick them up. Don’t make dinner. Don’t do a thing...take yourself out instead.

I started doing this with my DH. He started thinking twice about saying yes when he knew he’d have to do all the work...

I think there is a third alternative

I am happy. DH and I respect that each us will be the primary parent to our own kids, but a responsible adult in the house for all.

I think too many women start off with doing it all, and then hard to back off.

I was a #2. I got along

I was a #2. I got along great with my skid, I played with him, talked with him, sometimes helped out with things if DH needed it or I was alone with SS - but DH was the parent. It worked really well for us, neither of us wanted more or different. SS has always liked me.

I did not start out as a #1, it honestly would have never occurred to me to take over as parent. But that's because DH is a strong parent and didn't want me taking over, so it was never even on the table. Had it been expected of me, or had I wanted to take over, our relationship wouldn't have worked.

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which step mums are the Happiest

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