Hey Katrinkie. Awesome to find other SA's on this blog! Hope we can continue to blog. Do you live in a similar situation?

Hi LucilleVB! You are just 4 hours away from me! Do you also live in a hellish situation like me? Your comments are really very constructive and you are right. I have never said that she cannot move back in, but did tell FH that I am worried if we will cope with her both emotionally & financially. You see she has been branded a thief in this area by her previous employer and the word spreads quickly, as right down in DBN (we live in Howick) they refused to hire her due to her track record. Also in other jobs, she would work for 2 or so days, then tell us she was replaced by someone of another race. Truth is she only has grade 10 and we paid for her to do Grade 11 through Delta (which we still owe for) and 18 months down the line she has not yet passed it! She is working at a bar in Dbn at present, but plans to spend a month in June with her mother in JHB & then come and stay with us. I agree about the set of rules for everyone..will get onto that immediately. FH is scared that this is going to split us up and last night it almost did, just speaking about her coming.
Thanks for the advice! Hope we can meet sometime...

Thanks, Katrinkie for taking the time to give such constructive advice. You seem to have hit the nail on the head! (I knew that someone out there would understand how I felt about all this.) I keep saying to FH that I am afraid that this is going to become a norm for our kids to wreck our lives emotionally and financially and when it suits them, to just leave and to leave us with the destruction caused. When does it ever end? FH & I are both in our mid-forties, both been screwed over by our ex's and both have nothing for our retirement. We have pulled ourselves out of the gutter and in 5 short years have accomplished so much. From renting a one-roomed shack in someone's backyard, to renting a 3-bedroomed house with a pool and garage. We have both started retirement policies and a savings policy. It probably won't be enough, but it's a start. We have a dream to get on the cruise-liners one day when all the kids have left home, and travel while we earn our keep..him playing the keyboard (he is very talented) and me the saxophone (I started lessons last year) and to see the world while we enjoy each other and what's left of our lives. But will we ever get there? We seem to take one step forward and 10 backwards. I agree with your statement on making her pay us back & on her finding her own job. There's a Spar opening close to where we live and I have suggested and now nagged FH to get her CV in to them, as closing date is 28/5 but nothing is being done. I am thinking that I need to find some volunteering work to do after she moves in, to take me out of the house in the mornings, as that is when I am free and she will be mooching at home until she finds a job or starts her studies or both...

Hi Katrinkie, I spoke to DH last night about what we discussed yesterday and put it into a letter which I also e-mailed to him for future reference. I said that I want to try to make this work with SD18 to which he replied "ónly because you don't want to lose us" which is probably true, but it hit a nerve with me and I felt bad. But I reminded him that she had put us (especially me because he is never around to deal with her) through hell when she stayed with us before. He listened to me but didn't say anything. I was mad, because I felt that the least he could do was agree or disagree. When I challenged him as to what he thought, he said he didn't agree or disagree. I think that he knows that SD18 is going to mess up again and that our relationship will be at risk but he doesn't know what to do about it. He is talking as though we will not still be together next year (after this) and says that he will move overseas and she will then have to fend for herself. He is opting out...don't you think?

Buttercookie, I hear what you are saying, but I am in the situation where my BS19 asked to move in with us after realising that his life was going no-where fast, as a pizza delivery boy, and his father refused to help him, as he (the X) is too busy tracking down & keeping future wife #7,...so that he could get his life back on track. We took him in, as SD18 had just moved out to live with her bf. BUT he buckled down, joined our school of music and used his talents as a musician and high school music graduate, to make something of his life. He is now our best teacher and is loving it. While he was building up his student-base, we did not charge him boarding, but now that he is earning a fair wage, he is contibuting. The point is, I brought my son in when he was destitute so how can I refuse to bring his daughter back in. Also, she is going to be kicked out of the bf's home by bf's parents if she doesn't find and keep a job by end June, which means she will be "on the street" and destitute. BM doesn't want her because she is 1) not earning a great salary, 2) is scared she(SD18)will ruin her relationship with her toy-boy of 20 years her junior. SO how can I live with myself if I say no. He's fully prepared to tell her to get lost and acts as if it won't affect him, but I know him...he's a pussycat inside where it comes to his gorgeous, wonderful daughter....

Hi LizzieA. She is being kicked out because bf's parents feel she is a burden to their family. Bf also is without work. Both SD18 & bf are still kids (18 yrs), both don't have their high school diplomas and think that they can play housey-housey and still survive out there. We warned them that they are too young to play adult games and that they won't survive without at least the minimum qualification. Bf had a job at a construction place but he stuffed up and is now unemployed. No wonder the parents don't want her there too! It's just so uncanny that last year when the 2 broke up and we had big drama because SD18 decided she wanted to go out with her new home-school friends and broke it off with bf (accusing him of being violent with her)which landed up that he drove up here to harass the household and we had to call the police, that the bf's mother phoned us and begged us to get them back together as her darling son was crying and in hysteria over the break up! Meanwhile the little witch, after putting us through this was secretly getting back together with him all along...no wonder she wanted to go to the gate and speak to him when he arrived. I told her if she did that she must make sure that she took her bags with her and carried on walking through that gate and not come back! Now once again, she is saying she doesn't want to be with him and has realised that he is no good for her. How are we supposed to believe this after what happened before?