Skids who take and take and never give back
Is there any way to make DH see his kids behavior as it really is without rose-colored glasses? Every.single.time DH sees his kids (21 & 26), it costs him either money or favors.
The last time he saw them (on Monday), he bought everyone lunch, including their boyfriend/girlfriend. $70
the time before that, he helped SS move his furniture.
the time before that, he gave them each $50 for EASTER.
the time before that, he gave SD $100 for her birthday.
the time before that, he delivered their Christmas gifts.
the time before that, ... the list goes on, all the while visiting SD to have her cut his hair, giving a $20 tip.
Now, I don't see this as a LOT of money. The money isn't the issue. The real issue is that unless he's giving them something, he doesn't see them. When he talks with SD on the phone, it's a 1 minute conversation because she's too busy. Then she hangs up before he has a chance to say goodbye. If she's calling to inquire about how much cash she can expect for her birthday gift A MONTH IN ADVANCE, or if she can get her Christmas cash early, then she'll call him. Otherwise she doesn't attempt to make contact.
SS will call DH and text him. It's mainly about sports. But it's the same with him. Unless DH is dangling the cash-carrot in front of him, he doesn't see his father either. I used to like SS, but my view of him is changing recently because when I think about it, he's really not much different than his sister. He promised his father that when he got his CPA, he would help his dad pay off the humongous student loan. He passed his tests in January and is now certified. Still haven't seen a penny, and SS is making a very nice salary.
I feel bad for DH. His kids (I use that term loosely) treat him like a cash cow and pick his pocket every time. Why can't they just call their father and say "hi dad! Just wanted to catch up with you. How about dinner at our place so we can spend some time together?" Or, "We really appreciate the offer, but gifts and cash aren't necessary. Thanks though. We just want to visit with you."
I've mentioned this to DH but he doesn't see it the way I do. But the facts are the facts, and the facts can't be changed or concealed. I found paperwork on the table this morning for SD's license plate renewal sticker. Now, why would he have that (which was sent to her address) if he wasn't paying to have the plate renewed? I'm sure it was passed to him during lunch on Monday. Every time he sees them, he gives and they take.
Is there any way to wake DH up?
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stepoff, wow, I could have
stepoff, wow, I could have written your post myself, almost verbatim (but only my skids are younger than yours - SD15 & SS12 and my BF pays a very hefty amount of CS to BM and we have 50/50 JOINT PHYSICAL & LEGAL CUSTODY!!).
Also, my BF has a son (BM's out of wedlock spawn from when she was 17) that he legally adopted when he married BM - raised him as his own, financially, emotionally, etc.... The thanks that he gets from this kid (now 26) is that he treats my BF like a cash cow CONSTANTLY and USES HIM in every way possible. Oh, and SS26 also thanked him for raising him as his own son by signing Affidavits containing FALSE INFORMATION against BF making him out to be a MONSTER when his mom (BM) and my BF got divorced. No matter how much BF did for him over 20 years, it was never good enough.
Fast forward 6 years that I've been with BF. SS26 has had about 6-8 different jobs in the past 4 years (never stays at the same job for more than 6 mos tops). When he graduated high school, my BF told him that if he would go to college, so long as he would maintain a "C" average or higher, he (BF) would pay for it. So SS26 (19 back then) decided to show his appreciation by dropping out of college after only a few weeks, and DIDN'T TELL BF he did so - resulting in BF not being able to get his $$ back from the college if SS had just withdrawn earlier! SS26 never pays his bills and we have bill collectors calling our home fairly often looking for SS26 - and he hasn't lived here since 2004!!! LOSER!!
SS26 has also lived in about 5 different apartments in past 4 years - and always had BF help him move his crap EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. Only to get kicked out each time with a different excuse as to why (i.e. the landlord was crazy, landlord smoked pot too much, his roommate decided to move out & go back to college, blah, blah, blah) when the REALITY is that he probably didn't pay his rent after the 1st month. Oh, and every time he was in-between apartments, he'd go back to live with his Mommy (BM) - pathetic!!
The most recent disaster - SS26 announced this past January 2010 that he got engaged (where did he get the $$ for a ring? I have no clue) and that he's getting married this August 2010. Since then, my BF has offered his "son" any help that he needs with said wedding, honeymoon, etc... Well, SS26 sure takes FULL ADVANTAGE of BF's generosity. SS's fiancee's parents are paying for the wedding reception, and now BF is paying HALF of SS26's rehearsal dinner AND HALF of the 8-day CARIBBEAN CRUISE that SS26 & fiancee have chosen to go on!! That's about $1,500 for the cruise alone!! Lord only knows how much the rehearsal dinner will cost - oh, and don't worry, BM will reimburse you for the other half, yeah, right - she doesn't pay HER bills either. Not happening.
Over the years, BF will ALWAYS try to call SS26 to include him in "family" functions, ask him out to lunch to catch up, invite him over for dinner, etc... Every time, SS26 will have some excuse for why he can't make it. Or even worse, he'll say yes, but then either
expects his Dad (my BF) to PAY EVERY SINGLE TIME (hello, you're a 26 yr old adult, pay for it ONCE maybe!!); or (b) he'll just cancel on BF and it is ALWAYS LAST MINUTE OR NOT AT ALL - and BF will call him to ask what time he's coming over for dinner & he'll so, "oh sorry Pop I can't make it". Just blows him off CONSTANTLY.
Recently this past week, SS26 called BF to stop by and "chat", but 5 min. after he gets here, he says to BF "oh, hey, do you have that money for my honeymoon? The cruise line needs me to give a deposit to book it and it has to be done tomorrow for me to get that GREEAT DEEAL I was telling you about". WTF??? I guess he couldn't put the deposit on his OWN FREAKIN CREDIT CARD since he probably doesn't HAVE any credit left from being such a deadbeat!! Can you say UNBELIEVABLE??? What did BF do? Of course, wrote him a check, payable to SS26, right there on the spot - about $1,500.00!!!!
It's not the MONEY that makes my blood boil, it's exactly what you said. Why can't they just want to spend TIME with their father without it ALWAYS BEING A CASH WITHDRAWAL or a BENEFIT to them EVERY.SINGLE.TIME??? I swear that SS26 is EXACTLY.LIKE.HIS.MONEY.GRUBBING.MOTHER. Disgusting, just disgusting. The sad part is that BF will continue to choose the path of least resistance, continue to take the "high road", somehow trying to show these poisonous people that he's a good Dad no matter what. He always jokes with me and says "well, at least hopefully I'll be going straight to Heaven when it's my time" and just chuckles like it's no big deal....
My BF doesn't see it the way I do either. You are 100% right, the facts are the facts and they speak for themselves. I think that my BF & your DH DO SEE what is actually happening, but they are CHOOSING not to "see" it. They are still caught up in some kind of twisted, weird, "Guilty Daddy" world of theirs that spins on BM's axis of evil/PASing ways.
I'm sure you're right about the license plate renewal paperwork, too. "Oh, and while you're paying for lunch Daddy, here's my license renewal,..., can you pay it for me?" I can see it.
Don't you wish that one day these leeches will wake up and actually APPRECIATE the AMAZING, GENEROUS FATHERS that they have, and want to have a relationship with them based upon LOVE of their parent and not based on HOW MUCH MONEY they can suck out him? I doubt they ever will. Such a shame.
Good luck stepoff!! Sorry to "hijack" your blog, didn't mean to do so. This is just a topic that (obviously) makes me nauseous. I feel for you.
Crayon, as always you are
Crayon, as always you are dead on. At least in my case, you hit the nail right on the head. All of SS26's characteristics, morals & ethics (TOTAL LACK THEREOF) come directly from his mother. She is EXACTLY like him and he is exactly like her.
I'm so glad that your financial situation has improved since the skids have PASed out. I also admire you for raising Awesomeson22 to be the responsible, independent young man that he is and continues to be - all on your own and without receiving CS, no less! See?? It is not only POSSIBLE to raise kids without the HUGE CS $$ these money grubbing BM's are receiving (and feel "entitled" to while they sit on their asses & don't work), it IS HAPPENING!! You have my utmost respect, Crayon. I wish you were my skids BM!
**LIKE***
Amazing, too, that you were
Amazing, too, that you were literally SHIT ON by your skid, and your DH STILL gets him a toy!! Wow, just wow.
Anyone out there have a successful story in getting the DH/BF to see the light about these selfish skids (especially adult skids)??
Maux, thanks for your input.
Maux, thanks for your input. It's pretty sad that's what it took for your DH/BF to "see the light" about his kids - you actually LEAVING his house and not going there.
Wow, the only problem I have with doing that (although I must admit, I'd give it the "old college try" if I thought it would actually accomplish something & resolve this issue) is that I feel by MY LEAVING, then the skids & BM will have "won". Know what I mean? That's probably EXACTLY what BM, SS26 and SS15 & SS12, for Milomom to simply "go away" in hopes that somehow, someway, their Mommy & Daddy would be together again as a family. They are that delusional.
I refuse to give up an otherwise AMAZING relationship with an otherwise AMAZING man because of them. Sounds stubborn, I know.
Hmmm...I will definitely give some thought to your strategy, maux. I'm glad it worked for you. Are you still together with your DH/BF now? How long have you been together? When did you leave?
I agree with that assessment
I agree with that assessment completely. The more CS these BM's receive, the more free time they have on their hands (from not having to WORK to EARN a living), the more ENTITLED they feel (the world OWES them something and the law says they're "entitled" to it), the less CONTROL they have over their former DH's lives (since DH pays the hefty CS very timely), the more spoiled they become, etc...., it's like a vicious circle of misery and patheticness (is that even a word? lol).
They then "instill" these wonderful traits, characters and "values" onto their children. They fully believe that their way is the right way, the EASY WAY OUT and they think anyone else that actually STRUGGLES in life by having to WORK AND EARN WHAT THEY HAVE are "suckers". It's really all a game these BM's play. Very sad for the skids. Very sad. They will go through life totally dependent, unprepared for reality, and be "chewed up and spit out" in the real world.
Same here crayon, same here
Same here crayon, same here (sigh...).
I have absolutely NO doubt in my mind that skids will "grow up" to be JUST.LIKE.BM in this area. Using people, taking advantage, being dependent on another for their survival, leeching off of innocent victims, always trying to find the "easy way out", never knowing what it's actually like to OWN SOMETHING THAT YOU, ALL BY YOURSELF, ACTUALLY WORKED HARD FOR AND EARNED AND PAID FOR YOURSELF.
Several things helped us with
Several things helped us with this issue. One, DH was unemployed around the time of his divorce and that broke the "gimme" habit. He had no money! Also BM showed her greedy side and that turned him off so much, seeing how much they had all taken, taken, taken from him. Along with his family (siblings and mom). He went through an awakening that he wasn't going to kill himself for these people anymore.
We moved 1000 miles away and that helped to distance us from the drama and the requests. BM has continued to bail out the kids (they are constantly in court or buying junkers) but that is her problem now. DH says, "oh well" when they call to complain. They never ask his advice or 90% of their messes would be avoided! The latest that made me livid was SD calling to see if DH would co-sign on a $12,000 car loan. She wrecked the last car within two weeks that BM had co-signed on. We drive older cars with no payment and in no uncertain terms would we cosign a note for anyone, period. If anyone is going to get a new(er) car it's us and the kid can have the old one.
SD just got a job and probably makes all of $300 a week, and she still lives at home with her baby. Other priorities than car payment in my eyes!
But BM doesn't instruct, teach or guide.
I feel bad for him sometimes because they are still selfish kids (21 and 17). They do call, and we have visited, but BM did a damn fine job of undermining their respect for their dad. They all wallow in the reality show lifestyle. And what is sad, they both have so much potential.