Wow, I can't believe you let him stop at the liquor store for her?? How did THAT go down?

Glad you got through that money conversation. Your point is logical; I'm glad it saw it your way!

you seriously went and got liquor for her?!

you seriously went and got liquor for her?!

Million dollar question: Why would you let him get the liquor?

OK. CS and alimony? Why would you use that to justify buying wine coolers? Who drinks wine coolers anyway? Oh, trashy BMs, that's right. Anyway, this is absolutely crazy. Maybe if she had asked for milk for the kids, but alcohol? It seems like a really poor decision for BF to provide BM with alcohol, especially on the grounds that it's a replacement for the CS that doesn't start for a few more months. And, if it was as replacement for alimony, that shouldn't happen either. Alimony is supposed to be cash that you give and don't ask questions about. Also, why give it if it isn't required yet? Especially alimony?!

I would be sooooo mad over this. I'm so glad we pay neither alimony nor CS. We get to decide what we do with the money instead of having it go over there to buy the kids iPod touches and designer clothes, bleck! Also, I'm really, really, really glad we don't have to deal with it because in Cali, alimony is called 'spousal support.' It's supposed to sound better but I would hate it because I'm the spouse now, bitch! Child support makes sense because the kids never stop being your kids, but spousal support, again, bleck!

But, let's get back to the issue of alcohol and CS... since CS is supposed to be what BF provides for the kids while they are with BM, he is providing the kids with alcohol. It may seem like your BF's intent is to provide BM with something she feels entitled to in order to shut her up, but if it's not alimony ordered by the court, she isn't entitled to shit, only the kids are entitled to a nice standard of living when they are with her. And, since alimony is supposed to be cash not goods or services, and the legal intent of CS is to provide for the kids, again, he is providing the kids with alcohol. I guess it's not so bad as actually giving the kids alcohol, or giving BM alcohol at the beginning of her custodial time, but it's still pretty bad.

Do you follow my logic? We've had to go through the whole court thing, child custody evaluation and all, and something like this would have looked terrible for us. As a dad, BF already has the odds stacked against him, no matter how crazy BM may be. So, if he is serious about being a dad and remaining a dad (i.e. not getting time taken away), then he better stop this kind of stuff. If my DH did this, I would seriously have slapped him across the head for being so stupid. With the ever present threat of court looming over us at all times, we watch everything we say and do, as should all dad and stepmoms.

Yeah, men are so stupid. My DH always "tries to make everyone happy." That whole statement though seems odd, because I'm like, "Um, well, what about me?!" HA! No, he does try to make me happy a lot, and he succeeds! It's just when he's trying to make someone else ::cough, cough, BM, cough:: happy that he's actually getting himself into bigger trouble. Er, well, I guess that's not true, cuz as big a bitch as I can be, BM can always still out do me since she is not below bringing the kids into the battle and that's what gets these men.

I don't know how long you've been with BF, but I've been with DH for 5 years and it took him a long time to stop caring if BM wasn't happy. It's not that he wanted to make her happy, but he didn't want to make her unhappy because he thought that would make the kids unhappy. Understandable, because it often does make the kids sad when BM bitches to them that dad won't give her this or won't do that for her. But, we just have to keep telling the kids, "I'm sorry you have to hear that from your mother. It must be really hard. You know that dad loves you and would do anything for you and that the fighting is not about you." And they get it. We've even had to have straight up conversations with them about how dad isn't responsible for mom anymore. That hurts them, but they get it. Here's my mantra, you may have seen it elsewhere - divorce sucks, but that's how it is.

Anyway, aside from caring about not having BM make a scene, so to speak, it took a big, huge court battle for my DH to wake up and stop putting himself in situations where he stands to get screwed over. That's why I'm so, um, like, "AHHHHH!!!!" I can't explain it exactly, I just get anxious hearing other dads do stuff that could come back to bite them. It's the "women's instinct," as sexist as that sounds, that keeps us safe, I guess. I'm always on guard because I feel I have to be. And, now that DH has wised up, he shoulders more of that responsibility to watch out and protect our asses, so I can let go a bit. But, I'm still often more suspicious and often turn out to be rightfully so. And, every time that happens, DH wises up some more.

My only advice for you would be to put in perspective of how he puts himself at risk with this stuff rather than how it bothers you. I kept running into a brick wall with DH when I brought up how stuff bothered me. I had an advantage in that I worked in mental health, specifically with families and kids, and I got to use that as a way to show him, more objectively, that what he was doing was just bad parenting, parenting out of guilt. I'm not a psychologist (I just play one on TV - ha!), but I got to talk to them and get advice for free. It was much easier for me to say, "I talked to Dr. So and So, you know, the one who is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and specializes in issues of divorce, and she said that blah, blah, blah." My DH is even more responsive to articles I find on the Internet than to my 'opinions.' (must be because he's a lifelong academic) Maybe that would work for you. Google is amazing with what you can find. And, even this place is a great resource. Giving him real life examples of other people who have been there and done that could work. I am part of a stepmoms support group and get a lot of ideas from there and share those with my husband. He is actually receptive. Once men put down their guards and realize that other men go through the same thing, they get to be a lot better dads and partners. What we need is a dad's support group or online forum like this, we'd call it "TEAM MEN" so it sounds real manly, and most guys get the idea of team sports and sharing and being supportive for that, so that's how we'd sell it to them. Ha!

You're nicer than me! No way we would have bought BM liquor. One time (although she did it more than once), BM called DH and asked him to bring a gallon of milk when he came to pick up SD. It was for her OWN other two kids, not SD. Plus, BM has a husband. Stuff like this is his job. That and she's too lazy to leave the house. She can run her own damn errands as far as I'm concerned. I have DH crap about doing it (of course). Liquor would be where I draw the line.