everything my dh has told me about bm has turned out to be 100% true.

Actually, DH was quite protective of BM's repuatation when I met him. Not with everything, but I found he was defensive when people would bring up different things about her. We've been together for going on 9 years, & BM has turned DH's world upside down. Needless to say, he doesn't feel a need to defend her anymore. LOL!

Actually, it was the opposite for me.

He told me how she was a little bit and I took it with a grain of salt, thinking he was biased and bitter and that she couldn't really be THAT bad. After all, I was divorced myself and sure that my ex probably painted me out to be pretty bad to his new gf.

So, when we got serious and were getting our first overnight visitation from the skids I sent BM a really nice email telling her I understood how she felt, how I didn't want to step on her toes...I even shared some of my experiences and emotions that I felt when my kids first went to stay overnight with their dad years ago.

She responded by being a TOTAL FUCKING BITCH and she has never let up.

In the years since I've tried another 3 or 4 times - sent her emails saying 'please, I know this isn't easy for you. I understand. Do you think for the sake of the kids we could try to at least be civil?' She responds by telling my SO that I have no relationship to the children, that I should not even speak to the children, that I'm this and that blah, blah, blah.

I finally gave up for good 2 years ago when she came to the car, slapped me and told me 'this is all your fault' when I had done NOTHING to her, had said NOTHING to her and they had been separated a full year before I even came to this country!

So, what I found was that she was much, much worse than he led me to believe. He had actually covered up for her and not told me how bad she really was. More has come out since then but at first he didn't tell me a fraction of what she had done. He says he was ashamed for me to know that he would have married someone like that in the first place.

Everything DH told me was true about BM, he just neglected to tell me what HE did in the relationship. I think he was just as much at fault as her.

In my situation, just about everything DH told me turned out be true in regards to BM's personality with the exception of one thing. He said she had always been a good mother to the girls and wouldn't jeopardize their well being. With what I've seen over the last 6 yrs is someone who isn't at all thinking of their daughter's long term well being.
When a BM alienates a loving father to the point of the children turning against him and moving boyfriends into her home after knowing them for a month, this to me is not a good mother. I say "boyfriends" because number 3 has just moved in. Weird.

Dh has always been very fair in his account of his life and divorce with BM. He has taken his share of the blame for things and can place fair blame on BM when it's deserving. I am a realist and I know that something is never one sided so for him to be so truthful and sincerely take the blame when it's his has given me reason to respect him.

I will say that he tends to make excuses for BMs behavior though, like she can't control it. Which makes me INSANE !!!

Same here. I have come to the conclusion that they are both so damn stubborn & stupid it is amazing how they made such great kids.

Same with me at first I thought she can't be that bad. I mean there is always 2 sides to every story right? UMM NO it was all true and then some! She is the type of person that badgers you till you give in. I'll the type that will NOT be ran over! I remember early on right after we got married dh was arguing with her about seeing the kids for chritmas. I got tired of hearing them and his lack of being very firm so i took the phone and said"dh will be there to pick them at such n such time on such n such day and if they are not there he will take you to court that simple" I hung up and looked at him and said "and THAT is how you do it!" "If the kids aren't there take her to court is the only you can show her to mean it" It worked b/c the boys were there and he got them for the whole time he was supposed to. I told him to shit or get off the pot. And if you don't I don't want to hear it. LOL I think that may be why we don;t have that many problems out of the kids b/c I set the stage a long time ago. BUT bm on the other hand kept trying but over the years she started to get it. Don't get me wrong we have been through the wringer with her.

DH basically told me everything was her fault - she cheated and she left. Which is true but he's never been able to accept his role in the failure of the marriage. The longer we're together - 10 years now. I can see why she cheated. I don't agree - she should have left first but I can see why. My DH is pretty much emotionally unavailable and feels like he's done his job and doesn't need to do anything else. He behaves exactly as his father does - a total loner who rarely talks to anyone.
It drives me crazy and when I reach my limit we talk about it and things get much better and then he retreats back into his lil shell and I have the conversation again. Gets old but I do what I have to do.

This is an AWESOME post!
Mother Russia (AKA… our Russian BM… which kinda sounds like something that a good shot of Pepto would be needed to take care of in the bathroom) is the QUEEN of teetering between being the poor, wounded little immigrant girl and being the calculating, selfish ice queen from hell! At first I thought she was such a monster from everything DH told me while we were dating… hated physical contact at all costs, degraded him at every turn… was completely rude and hateful towards his family to a point that they moved five states away to avoid all the drama! And then I finally meet this Cold War Babushka and she… hugs me?!?! And has gifts… it was SO freaking weird. And she put on a hell of an “accepting” roll for a few months. “Anything for children…” “We make nice.”

So I started questioning things… and examining everything under a microscope. And at one heated point in an early relocation fight between me and DH I actually screamed at him… “You say Mother Russia’s so damn evil and crazy… you know what? SHE deserves a freaking metal for dealing with YOU for six years!!!” Yeah… I said it.

But then the true colors started surfacing… she’s ALL about appearance. All about “looking good” no matter what… especially to the woman who’s now in her ex-husband’s and children’s lives. Over the last year I’ve seen her “Dr Jekyll and Mother Russia” routine in action and I’m here to tell you it’s truly frightening. She CAN be very cold and verbally abusive with the flip of a switch. Not that “he’s” a perfect angel… they just didn’t fit in the same puzzle is all.

Truth be told… in a relationship… opinions are like arseholes… and the truth usually falls somewhere in the middle.

And we steppers get to watch both movies from the balcony with a bag of popcorn.

When DH would speak about BM, I just thought "he's just a scorned DH". She cheated on him many times, thus ending the marriage. I pretty much took what he had to say with a grain of salt. I went into it with Eyes wide SHUT. I thought that she and I could become friendly. Enough that the SDs would feel good about the situation. SHe turned out to be what he had said, and more.

Although, I will say that DH can be a complete arsehole when he wants to, and nothing can compare to that attitude. he's not always the most pleasant person to be around when he feels threatened, so I am sure he's done his fair share of nasty behavior.