Children and the Internet
So SD11 tells me her mom let her get a facebook account. I told her I really didn't think that was appropriate for someone her age. She said she begged and begged and begged her mom until she gave in. (Oh, so she said no initially and then caved - definitely not doing the kid any favors there.)
SD said there were all kinds of stipulations on it, like she can't put a picture of herself on it and she can only friend people she knows. Neither DH nor I really want to friend her because we don't want BM in our business. She hasn't asked so, whatever. BUT ...
I was recently at a talk given by a techie about kids and the internet. He said parents, even if they don't want to snoop in their kids online business really need to have access to their email and social networking accounts. If something happens, say the kid goes missing, police have to wait a minimum of 24 hours before the companies will release that information. 24 hours is a reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeallllllllly long time in a child abduction scenario. I explained this to SD and told her she didn't have to give that info to me, but she needed to make sure her parents had it. And ... she gave it to me. I told her I would keep it somewhere safe and I didn't want it to invade her privacy. But I do kind of want to check it to see if the password works and BM didn't make her change if SD told her she gave it to me.
I did look at what you can see from the public viewing and low and behold, there's a picture of her on it and she's got her mother's boyfriend listed as a parent, but no DH or me. Her best friend is listed as a sibling though. so go figure.
I told DH about the whole thing (not that BM's boyfriend is listed as a parent stuff) but about BM letting her have a FB. He said he's going to talk to her about that.
There's a button on the page to report user. The minimum age to sign up for facebook is 13. I half ass feel like reporting her as under 13. But she's been very honest about it. What do you think?
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Nowhere in my post did I say
Nowhere in my post did I say they waited 24 hours to investigate a child's disappearance. I said it takes 24 hours for companies like yahoo, myspace and facebook to release login information even for a minor. My post clearly states that.
so its ok to monitor them,
so its ok to monitor them, that wouldnt be considered stalking? I mean say if SS13 was NOT allowed to have a myspace, for example, and got one.. say at BMs house or even a friends house (along with the myspace comes an email).. that it wouldnt be right to break in and see whats being said and done on it??
I monitored my SS. Not only
I monitored my SS. Not only was I custodial, I was also the one with the most tech knowledge.
Yes, he knew.
And unfortunately I was not able to personally monitor SS over the summer when he was in the house by himself and I was at work. I don't know how you "control" what goes on in your house when you're not there. But if you have a child in the house who truly wants to get around your "controls" and you are physically unable to be present, you're going to have a pretty hard time.
Your post wasn't addressed to me. However there are two implications in it that speak specifically to my own situation: 1) that it's only appropriate to monitor bio kids, and 2) that if a parent is in "control" of what goes on in the house, then monitoring is not necessary.
Since you've made statements (in a pretty argumentative tone) that cast a negative light on choices I've made in my own life, I figured I'd chime in.
L
he would have known if any
he would have known if any calls would have been answered or returned, but when he came back home sunday he was told first thing.. I am not trying to hide it from him in anyway..
I look out for his kids, the same he looks out for mine. If he does not have time or the opportunity or even knowledge to get into the accounts, and BM isnt giving a crap what SS is doing dont it make sense that someone is?
DH has 100% legal custody of SS, if he is sexually harrassing someone or threatening someone (even if done at BMs house) DH is legally responsible if someone decides to press charges on him.
I do not think that just because he is a step child means he should get unsupervised use of the computer, he gets on there and wants to act like a bad ass gang memeber and he lives with his mom fulltime, and DH wont be responsible for paying fines for him.. good let him.
Why are you telling this person to sit down with her SD and go over controls and set privacy and crap.. FB was made at her moms, its her skid, not her bio, why does it make it her business and not mine.. oh cuz I found out and got into it without him being here or telling him ahead of time so he can delete everything..
I am suppose to treat him like I do my own kids, but only in certain situations? if my bio kids got a myspace at their dads when they knew they were not allowed to have one, I would not have done one thing different, well with the exception of a serious grounding..
but all the kids are suppose to live in the house and I am suppose to love them all and treat them all the same, with the exception of SS and SD when they break the rules, just cuz the rules were broken at BMs..???
My SD11.8 had a Facebook
My SD11.8 had a Facebook account too for a while, but now she doesn't anymore, so I don't know what happened with that. Like everything else I don't approve of that SD's parents allow her to do I guess I shouldn't care.
11 is kinda young for
11 is kinda young for facebook, I can understand allowing it that young under the stipulation that it's fully monitored which I see your steps isn't. As far as the 24 hour thing, who ever told you that has no clue what they are talking about. I work at a PD and we can get facebook info within 30 minutes if need be.
30 minutes, really, that's
30 minutes, really, that's good to know. The person who did the talk is a tech specialist for a major university. I still would feel better knowing the info.
Yeah we've gotten them as
Yeah we've gotten them as soon as that, most times its an hour or two longer at night after business hours but 24 hours isn't true
I think DH should talk with
I think DH should talk with BM first. I wouldn't report her, seeing as she's been honest with you.
I know a lot of people set up FB accounts for their underage kids so the kids can keep in touch with loved ones across the globe, but monitor said accounts closely just to make sure they aren't friends with any strange people.
What troubles me is that DH wasn't listed as a parent. I'm not as bothered by the other stuff, provided that BM and DH can monitor her FB account closely.
You can purchase software to track password changes should BM change the password.
I guess I'm not as bothered
I guess I'm not as bothered by the parent thing because I know that BM was there when she set it up. SD has had to learn how to carefully navigate BM's getting pissed off about crap like that. SD knows DH is her daddy. It's no big deal. But I also know that BM has encouraged the kids to call EVERY single boyfriend she has "daddy". SS6 is the only one who's ever done it. He has slipped up in front of us and called BM's boyfriend of the week daddy before to me, but I corrected him. Told him he only had one dad, the man that is married to me. He told me, "I have lots of daddys." I said, "oh you poor child. Everyone only has ONE dad. You can call the dog daddy if you want to, that doesn't mean he is."
true, Blendedfam.. and if DH
true, Blendedfam.. and if DH has a fb and does not want want BM to see it then he shouldnt accept a friend request, and be listed because is the kid gets on at BMs then there is a good chance she will see it..
so its kinda like damned if you do and damned if you dont.. maybe make a FB that you dont care if BM noses around in..and friend request skid, and ask her to list that one as a parent..
My husband has a FB page, so
My husband has a FB page, so that's not it.
I let ds11 have one with the
I let ds11 have one with the conditon I know all the passwords and I okay every friend request before he even thinks about accepting them. He knows I'll check up on him but thats my job as a parent. SS13 has a myspace, dh has the passwords but I'm not sure he even checks, he's not good about that stuff. I'm all about knowing what my kids are doing and who they are talking to.
Monitoring
Monitoring Software:
http://www.webwatchernow.com/Monitoring-Software/Consumer/?gclid=CPuTib3...
This works well. It's not the easiest in the world to set up. You have to have access to the computer you want to put it on, because you have to install it there. And it's not exactly cheap. But you have access to everything done on the computer.
I used this when SS was 13 and found an 18 year old gang member harassing him on MySpace. I'm sure he wouldn't have said anything proactively until/unless it got out of hand. He was also flirting with gang activity himself. We nipped that in the bud.
I also used this to ensure that SS was doing his online assignments over the summer that year, since I had to be at work.
I told SS that it was there. I told him that I was completely *un*interested in his personal business - but that it was our responsibility as parents to check up on what he's doing from time to time, and extensively if there were problems.
I believe 100% that it is a parent's JOB to make sure their child is not encountering danger online. The internet is like a big city. If you wouldn't let your child walk down 5th Avenue in New York unescorted, then they shouldn't be on the internet unmonitored. No, it is not an invasion of their "privacy." It is *responsible parenting*.
There is a fine line to walk when you're trying to allow your child to be independent, but at the same time be right there and alert for any signs of trouble. It is our job to arm ourselves with the tools and information needed to walk that line, not to stick our heads in the sand and hope our kids don't get into trouble.
L
Also, a big thing with kids
Also, a big thing with kids is "sexting" where girls will take a nude picture of themselves and send it to their boyfriend (who in turn sends it to the whole school).
These girls and the boyfriends who are sending them along can be charge with producing, distributing, possessing child pornography. If convicted, they have to register as sex offenders.
Wow! The world has become so complicated for parents these days.
Moving... to... the
Moving... to... the mountains.
I hear ya. It is tempting
I hear ya. It is tempting just to pack it all in and get back to raising children who can think without quoting iCarly.
We don't have subscription television either, along with the internet. I could write a book on what a positive thing that has been in raising children.
I live in the mountains, in
I live in the mountains, in the middle of the woods, I liked it when there was no cell service, but now if you stand close to the front door you can get enough service to text.. lol
I do not let my kids (bio and step) sit around in front of the tv or wii and ps2 all day.. they go outside and find something to do, that does not require batteries to keep them entertained!
.. and that is exactly why I
.. and that is exactly why I broke into SS13 email when I found out he made a new one at his moms.. and because it happened to be at 2am, I was accused of stalking him, and was told (on here) that what happens at BMs is none of my business.. I beg to differ!
All parents and adults in a kids life, step or bio, should have access to the accounts, that way at least one person is checking on things, and the kid is less likely to sexually harrass, or threaten someone.. cuz he knows that dad, SM, mom, stepdad have the password.
We let SD have a facebook, the rule is that if she changes the password it is gone, no emails can be deleted, and she isnt allowed to add people without asking me or her dad first.. so she goes to her moms, changes the password, deletes her emails, adn most of her activity..
she is 11, she does not understand that I changed the password back, she thinks she messed up.. we kept checking it, changing the password and seen everything she said and deleted.. when she came home she sat and watched us delete her account..
The skids don't have internet
The skids don't have internet access at our house, so she's only using it at BM's. Unless I do some mission impossible stuff, there's no way I'd get that on her computer. But I'll bookmark it for when we do get internet at home.
So kind of what I'm getting from this is, it's okay for me to snoop. I really, really want to, but part of me wants to trust her. I look at what I can see from just being another FB user, but it sounds like most folks who have responded condone logging in and checking it all out.
Rule of thumb - trust her
Rule of thumb - trust her unless you see a real reason not to. And be prepared if you need to go in.
I checked up on SS pretty infrequently, and almost *never* let him know what I saw. There was no need. But when I did see something troublesome I was able to dig further.
If you're too heavy handed, they will find a way around you. But if you're reasonable, I think in some way they get that you're watching out for their safety, and that does make them feel taken care of. Just make sure you stay true to that motivation.
L
I don't think it's a horrible
I don't think it's a horrible thing. I agree that you should sit down with her and explain YOUR expectations for her behavior. If she's not to have a picture, go in and delete it with her. You could maybe help her upload an image that she likes or thinks is cute so she can have a picture, just not one of her. Set all the settings to private or "friends only". 3 of my 4 kiddos have a FB account my 14 year old is the only one that uses his on a regular basis. SD 12 and SS 11 are on there from time to time. We have all passwords and my son knows I check it because I have no problem saying "Hey, I saw that message from so-and-so on your FB, what was he/she talking about."
She will likely lose interest before too long anyway. Our rule about friends is you have to know them personally not just some friend of a friend of a friend. Even my son's teachers have pages set-up for their classes. It's a great way to update kids in a format that they are most likely to get the message!
This is kind of what I'm
This is kind of what I'm thinking. I want to casually mention to her, "Hey, saw your FB. What's with (BM's BF) as a parent and not your daddy? And btw, you may think of your BFF as your sister, but she's not. Oh and I thought you mom said no pictures of yourself on there. Why do you have a pic up?"
DH and I will decide what our rules are for her concerning facebook. She can consent to them or it can go away.
And obviously, she's got it set so that not everything is private as I've seen enough to know all of that crap. So, I'll help her with that.
One of her mom's rules was only real friends. My rule was, only real friends that I know. And if I don't know them, then I need to meet them before they are friended.
ugh.. I really hate that you
ugh.. I really hate that you have made some good points.. lol.
teenagers, by nature are secretive.. pick on thing at a time instead of throwing it all on at once.. probably get better results.
if she is being honest she isnt trying to hide something.. dont get her to the point where she will feel forced to hide things..
*mothers of teenagers know why animals eat their young*
Hehe, ya, you're right, it
Hehe, ya, you're right, it does kind of. I'm very direct. My friends joke that I don't converse with people I interview them. So SD is very aware of my inability to make decent small talk. She likes that I'm very open and honest with her about most everything and reciprocates for the most part, though I try not to pry too much. But I didn't mean I would just come out with that all at once and I'm pretty good with an in-person "grilling" and making people feel at ease and give up information even when they don't want to.
As to her mom and the rules, see what I posted to midwestmomma. I know all about rules and the other bio sabatoging them. Maybe DH should remind BM that it's her lack of following rules that led to her no longer having custody.
if she is anything like BM
if she is anything like BM here
"Maybe DH should remind BM that it's her lack of following rules that led to her no longer having custody."
that wont matter..
BM actually had the balls to say that "by rights I dont have to bring sd back till the end of summer"..which she actually believes, but in all reality she only gets them at times and places her and DH agree..he has all legal custody, and, as our lawyer said, if DH says they can go there all summer and then BM so much as refuses to answer the phone or have them call back when messages are left he can spend the money to hold her in contempt, because he no longer agrees to them being there..just like with the myspace crap, but she feels she is entitled to certain rights just because she gave birth, she uses that entitlment to go against any and every single thing that DH says, and that the Drs. say because it was us who took him to the drs...
I could go on and on as I am sure most could..
As for the friends being
As for the friends being listed as siblings almost every teenager I know on FB has done this. My own son has listed tons of 'siblings' it's just a game to them like we used to pass notes in class and sign stuff as Love Ya Like A Sister. It's their WAY of communicating. Yes, it's sill but so were we. I'm listed as my SS's 'mom' on FB mainly because he set it up at our home and his BM doesn't have one. If his mom had a problem with it, I would have him take it off.
I see all these age
I see all these age restrictions as guidelines.
Nothing magical happens on the 13th birthday to make them more mature.
It's maturity which should determine when a child can do certain things, not the number of years since birth. I know, there is no standardized test for maturity and it's hard to measure so can't be regulated. That's why I think parents should be able to make the decisions.
My children were raised to be independent and to be thinkers from a very early age. They developed common sense and discernment early on. For this reason I let them do many, many things before they were the 'proper' age for it. For them it was appropriate.
If I decide my child at 11 is old enough for facebook then I think that should be my call. For someone else to report it and get it removed ... well, I think that's overstepping by a long way.
BM decided this without DH's
BM decided this without DH's approval. DH is the custodial parent. BM overstepped in allowing the thing to be set up in the first place. I guess I can take solace in the fact that SD will only have the opportunity to access it EOW. Not that much for me to keep up with, lol.
I just said I was half-ass tempted to do it. I doubt I will, but it's there for anyone to do — grandparent, aunt, uncle, concerned citizen.
I'll see what results from DH's talk with BM concerning it. Either way, I think he needs to have a serious talk with SD about it as well and needs to monitor what she's up to there.
same situation here, SS13
same situation here, SS13 lives here, BM gets him at times and places DH and BM agree (no set visitation, not even holidays).. for a long list of reasons SS13 is not allowed to have a myspace, or any time on the computer without direct adult supervision.. SS goes to BMs house gets email and myspace..he wasnt honest about it, I broke into it.. wish talking to her would be an option, there was a talk about it last time with us and with CPS..
If we delete the account he will just make another one, and I may not stumble on that one as easily as I did this one.. so DH is gonna email, text and call BM.. yes all 3 chances are she will acknowledge one.. and let her know, just in case she is concerned..and tell him the right thing to do is to keep the passwords the ssame and delete nothing and keep using the accounts.. that is if he has nothing to hide...
If BM does nothing about it, and he is still posting things at 2-4am, the CPS worker will know about it.. cuz afer all she was called less than 2 months ago, and BM told her that SS wouldnt have access to the internet without her knowing exactly what he was doing..and if she knows about the emails and postings.. and is ok with it, she is more of an idiot than I thought.. she does however know about the texts hhe was sending, cuz they are on her phone and he didnt delete them.
Unless you’re sitting beside
Unless you’re sitting beside her 100% while she’s on the internet and can GUARANTEE that she can’t get on by herself any other way, I’d think twice about the whole Facebook thing…. Too many creepers out there whose mission in life is to find kids online… it doesn’t take Dateline to tell you where THAT can end…
Not to mention all of the cyber bullying that goes on with these kids nowadays… little jerks harassing kids till they’re suicidal... *blah*
I know I’m getting old because all I want to do is pack up my skids and my husband and move to the mountains away from all of these “social networks” and electronic devices. Too much intrusion… and it’s all happening WAY too early for these kids
Freaking BM is all about that
Freaking BM is all about that hell-hole Facebook…
I wouldn’t be surprised if she’ll be encouraging SS6 to open an account…
Not in our household though buddy… not till you’re 18 and in college.
I’m getting heated even thinking about it…
Hate that Facebook… hate it SO much…
Don't hate Facebook. This
Don't hate Facebook. This social network has good things to offer, if you take the time to see them. If someone did something bad to you on facebook you should write a e-mail to the facebook adm. Also I recommend you analytics software comparison to see if you are right or not. Finally contact the Facebook Adm to present your situation. Best scenario: her account will be blocked or deactivated.
I personally love it when say
I personally love it when say the town has a curfew time such as 10 or that facebook has an age of 13 and that most states driving is 16. Lets me as a parent off easy. For our family no matter bio or step we expect them to follow the "laws" that are outlined by our community (if you don't like the law then work to change it). It helps us teach them that there are "minimum" rules that we have to follow. We used the 13 facebook age to teach our kids that as you get older there are more responsibilities that you have and more rules that you need to follow. Our family rules are that we are listed with full access along with passwords to any site that you visit. You are awarded only privacy when you turn 16 and have shown that you can handle such a privilage. It is a privilage because if a child screws up even one of my stepkids "I" can be held responsible legally for fines, etc. Follow the rules and be honest and get more privs. son16 did not pass his classes, lied to us about turning in homework and as such did not show us that he was responsible enough to get his drivers license. He went to every summer class and aced his classes and so now once he gets a job that will help him put in the gas that he uses he can apply to get his license. If he takes and passes his classes and takes on additional training this next summer such as his construction certification, CNA license or such we will pay for his insurance, if he fails or doesn't he will lose the privilage of driving.
It has worked really well with our two oldest. Just an idea.
Her internet access is very
Her internet access is very limited and the school's computers have all web-based email and social networking sites blocked.
I know that kids will find a way to screw up no matter how well you track them, like you suggest with her making another one. I guess we as parents just have to be as vigilant as possible, but also have some faith that we've taught them what's right and let them learn from their own, hopefully not too detrimental, mistakes.
Be careful - SS knew at 12
Be careful - SS knew at 12 how to get around the school firewalls. For every company that puts out a site blocker for schools, there's an army of young people finding a "work-around."
L
See, this is the thing....and
See, this is the thing....and this post goes right along with something I posted over the weekend, regarding my oldest daughter who just turned 9 last week. You will always have "strict" parents and "lenient" parents out there, and I find myself in the category of strict - and I'm totally ok with that. I'm also ok with the fact that other parents are more lenient, and allow their kids to do things that I will not allow. I DONT CARE "who else is doing it"...that's not what I'm about. And this has gone on since birth! I scheduled my baby's feedings...others demand fed their baby and considered me to be ruthless!
As toddlers, I had to explain to my kids at the mall, that "no, you may not climb on that structure/display just because that other kid is doing it" and tell them that other people give their kids different rules, period. I definitely let my disgust show, and now my kids are equally appalled at summer camp when another child outright disobeys a teacher, and they tell me about it in disbelief! I couldnt be more proud!
The thing about FB is, yes, they have a rule that you have to be 13. And I agree that maturity levels are different for all kids, but I MORE agree with violetforest who makes an excellent point about Following the RULES! THAT is what I have a problem with. My 9yo (then 8yo) did come ask me to have a fb account because she has a few friends whose moms let them have one. The problem is...you have to LIE about your age to do it! What does that tell your child? That you follow the rules unless they arent convenient for you? That we can just pick and choose which rules to agree with and follow?
I realize my kids can sometimes be overboard about following the rules, but hey...there are Much worse faults they could have!! And the truth is...out of the hundreds of classmates her age, literally only a handful have fb accounts. We got my daughter a phone because she's in travel sports and gets dropped off a lot without us, and she IS mature, and she gets straight A's...but it turns out, NOT very many other kids have phones (funny how before, she begged for a phone and made it sound like she was the last kid to get one?!) because she has unlimited minutes/texting and still isnt on it very much. So if she was on fb...who the heck would she talk to on there? Her 3 friends who have accounts that she's always on the phone with? Trust me...they just dont have that much going on.
Besides...my husband and I each have our own computers, and neither of us cares to give ours up to the kids so they can play on them! Go call your friends, go outside and play with them, and get off my computer!! I have a fb account but never have time for it - havent signed on in weeks. But I see some people are addicted to it. I'm wary about my personal information being put out there, so for the first year I used a fake name (just to keep up with my friends who do put all their stuff on there) and eventually made my own account, but I still have no real data or pics about me. Im just really private that way.
I agree. We may not like the
I agree. We may not like the rules, but they are there for a reason. As adults we may bend them from time to time. But teaching a child about when it's ok to bend or break the rules is one of the *last* things we should be worried about teaching them. If they are younger than 13, then they are still at the stage where they should be taught that rules are there to be followed.
There are rules for young people who get their driver's license in my state. The rules say that between 17 and 21, they can't drive after 11PM and they can't have more than one passenger. SS's friend broke those rules over the July 4th holiday. He was out driving after 11, with three friends in the car.
Now he is dead.
So is one of his passengers. And the other two passengers are still hospitalized. If they had followed the rules for new drivers, they wouldn't have hit a tree at 12:30 in the morning.
Teach the kids to follow the rules. And BTW, adults - follow the damn rules. They won't if you don't.
Leave the complex moral issues (rob the drugstore to get the drugs to stop the guy on the sidewalk from dying, etc...) for much later.
L
I totally agree that rules
I totally agree that rules are there for a reason whether we agree with them or not. I told SD you're supposed to be 13 before you get a facebook account and said, "So you lied or your mother lied so you could get one? That's not right."
I'll bring that up to DH also when I discuss this with him.
BM is always breaking the rules and we see where that's gotten her. I don't think it's a good idea for her to be instilling that in the skids.
For example, they each received a reading thing where if they read for 6 hours they got a free ticket to six flags. SS6 wasn't so interested in it, but SD11 had hers done in no time. I stayed on SD9 to get hers done, but she didn't. She took it to BM's house and had it done in a matter of days. I call bullsh!t. She lied on her daughter's form so she could get a free six flags ticket. What a crappy lesson that teaches. The year before when SD9 didn't fill it out, I kept it and told her if we went to six flags, she'd be expected to finish it or she could stay at grandma's. Not only does it send a message to SD that it's okay to be a fraud, it lets SD11 know that her hard work isn't rewarded because SD9 still gets to skate by with the same reward for not performing.
Also, SD11 had a big project to do at school that involved a model and a report. We worked hard on the model and I took her to the library and had her do internet research with me at work. I put a lot of time and effort in helping her whip up an awesome project. The project is due on a Thursday. The Thursday before, she goes to her mom's house for the weekend. We won't get her back until Monday afternoon and she has a softball game. I told her, she really, really, really had to get her paper done over the weekend or she would have to miss her game on Monday. We had plans to take the kids to the carnival on Wednesday and one of the other skids had a game on Tuesday. She didn't do shit over the weekend, but her mom lied for her and told us Monday before the game it was all done. I gave her an earful on that. She was completely on her own from then on out in getting her crap done and it had to be done to the best of her ability or she wasn't going to the carnival. I told her that since her mom thinks so highly of her education that she feels it's okay to lie to us about it, then she can be the one that helps her with projects. I pointed out that her dad and I spent more time on her project that weekend than she did, putting layers of paper mache on it every day since she wasn't there. It wasn't right.
And BM thinks it's all okay to "bend" the rules. I wish she would take a look at her loser life and wish for better for her kids enough to raise them with some damn sense. Sorry, I had to go off on a vent there.
As for the but the other kids are doing it argument. I always tell them - those other kids aren't my responsibility. You are, so do as I tell you.