What am I supposed to do?
When I met my dh, he made his kids out to be normal everyday kids and that he had a good working arrangement with the bm. I move in and find out that it was all a lie. His kids are far from normal, needing extended therapy and one is on meds and the other should be on them, the bm is certifiable and raises tantrums anytime she has to go for too long without getting to see my dh. I have come to understand the trapped feeling people go through in some circumstances. I am the one left here to take care if the kids and to take them everywhere they need to go. I have seriously considered leaving but I have stayed only for the fact that when the skids aren't here, life is great and my bd12 can see how a man is supposed to treat a woman. Because of how long I was with my ex who was mentally and physically abusive and who went to prison for trying to kill me, I'm scared that if I leave after a short time that she will see that this isn't normal and the way my ex was towards me is. Are my fears unfounded? I read how some of you here have been doing this for years and years and I just don't know if I can do that. I am so stressed that it literally has manifested physically and I have a rash from head to toe which itches so bad that I usually have to have sleeping pills just to sleep. I have had it almost the entire time since I moved in with my dh. I'm really at a loss as to what to do. I dread everyother Monday because that is when the kids switch. And I count Dow to the next Monday that they go back to their bm's. I have lost myself somewhere in the last 2 years and at times when reality really hits, it makes me bitchy as hell. I find myself living day by day when the skids are here. Any advise is welcome that could make this situation better. I can't fully disengage because I am the main caregiver 95% of the time.
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I have talked with him about
I have talked with him about my stress, but he just doesn't see it and talking to him is almost useless. Because of his fear of confrontation, any talks with my husband end with me being the only one talking and never knowing if he is actually hearing me or not.
I will look into those
I will look into those resources. My daughter does have some Counciling. When're take the skids everyother week, she also goes and the councilor knows all the details about my ex and what my bd seen the night my ex tried to kill me. I hate the idea that my daugtet could fall for the abusive type no matter what I do and would sacrifice myself a thousand times over if it would prevent it. But if it's not going to help her with me staying then it does make my reasons for staying less important. That is something major that I will have to do some thinking on.
Thank you. I will remember
Thank you. I will remember that. My mother never stood up for me and with her, she always married men that were abusive to my brother and me but she literally blokes out the abuse given to me. She even seen one stepdad choke me and denied it but the moment she seen my brother abused that was the end.
I think my hangup is that I
I think my hangup is that I feel like if I tell him that him or someone else needs to start dealing with his kids more instead of just me, that I'm basically saying I'm not accepting his kids. I know it doesn't make a lot of sense and the more I read here on steptalk the more that I see that it's ok to say that. I guess what it boils down to is that I have to remember that I am only their stepmom and not their bm. Being in a small town will make it hard to find things to make myself conveniently unavailable to the skids but I will start looking.
I felt the same way. I
I felt the same way. I thought everything would be great when we blended. No such luck. I ended up on anti-depressants and sleeping pills prescribed bor daily use. Back in therapy. Only to have the therapist tell me it wasn't me. I was sure it was. Having been in and out of therapy for years after my son and my husbands death of course it was me. He looked at me and said look if you take yourself out of this situation you are fine. Your DH needs to step up and you need to step back. You can't fix these kids.
That was my aha moment. I started disengaging and things have been so much better. Hard as hell to do, but at least I am no longer hiding in my room every other week.
My advice to you is step back and stop doing so much. Your DH needs to step up - they are his kids. You need to focus on yours.
Wow, so I'm not alone in
Wow, so I'm not alone in hiding in my room. The last few months I have been spending the biggest part of the day in my room during the weeks the kids are here. Have even moved my desk in here so I could have some "quite" when working. Yes I do work from home but his kids are so quite you can forget they are here sometimes. I'm trying to step back and it will take some time I know. I just found the chore list I made turned upside down on the fridge so it's obviously a joke to them.
Thanks. I think I will try to
Thanks. I think I will try to completely disengage first and if that doesn't work then will consider leaving. This rash alone is enough to threaten my sanity.
Are you in a position to
Are you in a position to switch the Monday to Monday to a Friday to Friday? We had midweek transition and it was totally disruptive for everyone. We switched to Friday, it reduced forgotten belongings, and they had the weekend to settle in to their new environment--this reduced a lot of the acting out and improved their focus at school.
From years of suppressed feelings, I too had rashes, hives and anxiety. My startle reflex was off the charts.. lol. Xanax helped settle my body down, therapy helped me set my personal boundaries.
I do not care if DH thinks I do not accept his kids. They never accepted me from the beginning, in spite of my good intentions and all the hard work I put in to making this blended thing work. The reality is not that I do not accept his kids.. it is that I will not accept being treated like a lesser person--- by anyone. So, at this point it is a relationship they chose. I just recently told SD... the ball has always been in your court: if you want a different relationship with me.. you know what it takes, I have been clear about that for 8.75 years.
Friday to Friday switch saved
Friday to Friday switch saved my sanity with my BS & BD. So much easier to get them settled in (not on a school night). With the added bonus of not having to deal with the ex (when we weren't getting along), as we were doing a Sunday to Sunday switch and picking up at the house.
That was our reasoning for
That was our reasoning for choosing a day during the week, so they could goto school from one house then that afternoon go to the other home. No interaction with bm. But I've not been lucky during the summer because I have had to be the one to pickup and drop off the kids because dh is at work.
Same here... they came to our
Same here... they came to our house after school--on Friday. We used to have a Wednesday. I asked DH why Wednesday and he had the same reason you have. Friday is a school day they just have the weekend to settle in.
DH was the transportation Sherpa too--and me the more often than not, the back-up. Changed that too. When it's BM week she drops off and picks up. Our week we do. If they forgot anything, whoever did the drop off is the retriever. When I taxied.. I did inventory before we left BMs or ours. If they lied... they did without.
There isn't any issues with
There isn't any issues with the day they switch really. They used to pack a bag to come here even though they had everything here they needed. I finally said enough is enough. If they are supposed to be here half the time and they are spending that much time here, they will never feel like this is also their home if they are living out of bags. The only things that do go back and forth is medicines for my ss. I have given up on docs with my rash. Have already spent too much money on it that we didn't have. It's made money extremely tight which adds more stress but at least I did finally find a job I can do from home.
If I can find a way to detach myself from the situation without feeling guilty if my dh feels I'm not accepting his kids I will probably start feeling better. I know one of the first things I'm going to do is to stop scheduling thei appts myself so I can be the one to take the skids. If their mom wants to take them to crappy docs then so be it. My daughter has been doing some Counciling when the skids go, but I think I am going to separate that and find her somewhere else to go. Will talk with current councilor and explain things to her so she knows what is going on.