Part 3...Getting to know her
In April he moved back in for the 3rd time, but things were different now...the divorce was final, the custody and visitation arrangements were all said and done, and H had finally stood up to BM and put a stop to all the games. We had our green light to finally start working on making a life together.
We got very serious very quickly. We had known each other off and on (strictly platonic) for 17 years so other than catching up there really wasn't a whole lot of time in the 'getting to know each other' phase. So, when I tell you we were married in June, it didn't all happen as quickly as it may seem. One reason for the June wedding was we thought it would be romantic if we got married on the same date as the day we went on our first official date. We had talked in the very beginning about getting married on that day in a daydreaming sort of way.
I've metioned that I hadn't really gotten to know the kid up to this point. I'd seen her once in the beginning of our relationship for a couple of hours at a playground. Since our kids were running around playing I didn't get to know much about her. And, I'd seen her once for a 2 day visit this past Christmas. That was it before now. She was very clingy and whiny with H during the xmas visit. H was over indulgent, "helicoptering"(sp?), and also clingy. I blamed it all on him missing her and her being in a new place with new people. I didn't really give it another thought.
Between the time H moved back in and our wedding we had had SD over for 3 EOW visits. I treated these visits as 'her time with dad' and gave them a lot of space. During these visits I had noticed some annoying behaviors between the H and SD but considering the length intervals of the visits I was able to shrug it off.
One thing in particular that annoys me, especially since I give them so much space, is how she intrudes on my time with H and that he lets her. What do I consider my time? Well, a few private minutes before work to say goodbye and if she is otherwise distracted (this one rarely happens).
An example of this is if SD is playing a game on the PC and my H is watching T.V. I will sit with him and snuggle for a few minutes. Without fail, within just a couple of minutes SD will look around for H (she always has him on her radar) and when she sees us she will stop what she's doing and crawl right up on H's lap and start talking or doing something to get his attention. H will of course give it to her and not consider the fact that just maybe, I don't want to snuggle his kid with him. I now just get up and leave the room when she does this and H is baffled by it. I mean seriously, who could resist this golden child? I've seen the same scenerio where I'm not sitting with H and she will continue playing a game instead of crawling on his lap.
So, by the 3rd visit I already had a mental list of annoying things about them but none of it was anything I couldn't mostly ignore or accept because it was just EOW.
And then came the 9 day long summer visit whch included the 7 day long VACATION IN HELL...
- quippers01's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
That's the worst part of all
That's the worst part of all this, she hasn't rejected me...I'm rejecting her. I don't know why, she's polite and pleasant to me. Mostly she just watches me. I think she's trying to figure out how to behave around me and what I might expect from her. I feel for her, I really do but there is just this part of me that doesn't want anything to do with her. It's mulitpied due to H's interactions with her and how unbelievably obnoxious they are together. I really truely feel like a stepmonster.
One of the most difficult
One of the most difficult things about having a relationship with someone with kids is that during the period when you would normally be wrapped up in each other and have unrestricted time and intimacy, you start off in the position of having to compete for their time and attention. You've got children of your own too so your DH must have the same compromises. I know what it's like to go through years of hostile destructive behaviour from the BM. I know children behaving in a different way to your own standards can grate, but this little girl is so young, her behaviour is a direct consequence of her BM's behaviour, your DH's behaviour, her broken home, and now even your behaviour. I really feel you should be blaming your DH for not managing her behaviour better, not blaming your SD. I also wonder if your unpleasant history with the BM is maybe turning you against this child when it's not her fault?
Ultimately you get to live with your husband. You see him every single day. She sees her Dad for what? 3 days out of 14. Who can blame her for being clingy and needy. She's 5 and one of the 2 most important people in her life has left her. Right now she's probably frightened that he will stop loving her and the only way she knows how to stop that is to cling to him with all her might. In turn your DH is probably frightened that his BD will stop loving him, especially if the BM is so hostile. I think you have to try to empathise with this fear in order to address it. I worry that if you just keep complaining about their mutual clinginess eventually he's going to see you as hostile to his relationship with his SD and a threat to it's continuance and stop listening.
What you consider to be 'giving them a lot of space' probably comes across to your SD as your avoiding her and not wanting to spend time with her. It's a really difficult balance, and it requires some teeth gritting and effort on your part, but unless this little girl is made to feel part of your family and household, she will always cling to your husband as the only friendly loving figure in the house, and feel the undercurrent of resentment and rivalry. You're uncomfortable in your own home, can you imagine how uncomfortable it is to be 5 and the only way you can see your Dad is to spend time in a house which is not your home with a lady who gets up and walks away when you get anywhere near her? No wonder she's polite and just watches you. If you cuddle your husband, and then she want to cuddle him too, and then you leave, you are sending a clear signal that you regard her as a rival for her fathers attentions. She's too young to be able to cope with that kind of fear in a logical manner. But you're not. You've said elsewhere that you have trust and abandonment issues so you're clearly an emotionally intelligent person who can understand some of the consequences.
To detach her from her father and deter the clingy behaviour which is irritating you, I think you have to have a strategy. And it make take several months before it bears fruit. Instead of giving them so much space alone, make sure you organise at least 1 family outing every weekend. Your youngest BD is very close in age to your SD. Try to encourage a closer relationship between them and do some activities with them together in the hope that the way you parent you own daughter will enable you to behave consistently with SD and your BDs behaviour will rub off. Your DH should also do this. It IS possible for SKs to adapt their behaviour to a different atmosphere in a different house. My household is not run the same as the BMs, but as long as they know how things are here, they are comfortable. Your DH does need to spend some time alone with your SD, but it might be better if that was focussed on particular activities so there are some boundaries and they don't just cling to each other for 2 days. You could maybe try introducing reward charts for good behaviour and achievements for your younger BD and your SD to motivate her and focus her away from her Dad a little. Get SD to help with simple chores like preparing meals and setting the table so she starts to feel at home, and push yourself to show her some affection. In my experience giving a kiss or a hug to a SK without knowing how they will respond can feel like jumping off a cliff in terms of putting yourself on the line. But it often makes a big difference, they may not feel able to respond immediately, or even for some time, but it gives them the encouragement to start trusting you as a caring person.
I don't know if any of this helps, I really feel for you but right now I am feeling for this little girl more. She needs you to be a grown up. I wish you lots of luck.
"I'd rather sit naked on an
"I'd rather sit naked on an iceberg for a month"
I LOVE THAT! It cracked me up, thanks! I needed a good laugh tonight
You make a lot of good points
You make a lot of good points and for the most part you are right. I know it's H that is to blame for the majority of her behavior, he was a stay at home dad for 2 or 3 years and he has always been a helicopter parent, I mean they could have coined that term about him specifically. The clingy, needy, dependent behavior she has was put there by him since day one with her. I don't blame her at all. I know this is low of me but I do resent her...very much so and through no fault of her own. H is responsible for that too. All the pain he caused by always trying to make BM happy at my expense was exscused with "I did it for my little girl". I know I'm in an adjustment period, this often takes a long time for me and is very emotionally draining. I am trying right now, I truely am. Baby steps, but they are excrutiating for me.
I am not a very affectionate person by nature so the idea of just randomly hugging people that I am not very familiar and comfortable with probably isn't going to happen. I know it would be good for her but it would cause major set backs and extreme dicomfort and anxiety for me (seriously, I know I am an emotionally damaged person). On the other hand, she has randomly hugged me on a couple of occaisions and I never freaked out, pulled away, or denied her that and I hugged her back. It was aweful for me but I am trying as best I can not to scar this kid with my own emotional issues. This new life I've begun has made me realize a lot of things about myself. Most of which I don't like. I'm not as strong as I thought I was and I have way more emotional defects than I had originally thought.
I have been working on a strategy. Exposure. Starting small. After our vacation in hell (which I'm currently writing about and it is becoming a novel lol) I wasn't even able to be at the house during her visits. I realized nothing was going to get better that way and I really do love my husband in a way I never thought I was capable of loving someone so I'm motivated to make things better. During her last visit I stayed home. I couldn't get myself to leave my room for more than a trip to the bathroom but I DID stay when everything in my body/mind was screaming for me to run. Baby steps. Monday H is picking her up for another week visit and I have been dreading this all summer. I also have to watch her while he works. I'm not worried about that because I think she's capable of being a tolerable human being when H isn't around encouraging her behavior. During this week I plan to spend time out of my room and around them in a general sort of way. I like baking, it relaxes and distracts me, so I am going to come out and bake. They will see me out and about, I will make polite conversation when it is asked of me and when I reach my limit I will be able to head back into my room for a break. I'm sure SD is going to want to "help" and I've already got a plan to stop that too. I bought brownie mix so if she asks if she can help I'll show her what I got for her and her dad to do together "as soon as I'm done". I know that sounds cold. "Why can't she help", you may ask. Well, it's my therapy and my distraction and if she's up in the middle of it it's just not going to help me stay out of my room and "hopefully" interacting somewhat with them. Any thoughts or suggestions on this approach is appreciated.
Another thing you mentioned that I can't really agree on is encouraging her and my BD to be closer because SD is a bully and has hit BD on more than one occaision. H makes exscuses for her mostly but if she does get in trouble she starts crying and H assumes it's because she feels bad about what she did and then coddles her until she feels better. I tried to tell him she's upset that she got in trouble, not because she feels bad but he insists that's not the case at all. Also, me wanting to spend time doing things with her is going to take a very long time since I much prefer to leave her and H to their visits and maybe have a meal with them or something but certainly not make it "family time" for the majority of it. Thankfully BD and BS have been with their BF for the summer so it toook some of the stress away and I arranged for them to not come home untili after SD's visit. SD rubs off on BD, not the other way around. By the end of Hell, I felt like I had to start from scratch with BD. I have tried to parent her through example to my BD before and during that fateful trip to Hell but after it I have not been able to bring myself to spend anymore time with her than it takes to say hi, bye, or goodnight. I know all this really does make me a monster and if I had known how I was going to react to her, them, and the situation I believe I would have done H and SD the favor of walking away long ago.
Oh, and also...I make a lot of time for H and I to be alone. My kids are very independent and often entertain themselves with activities and playing with friends in the neighborhood. H has never had to vie for my attention because my kids can spend more than five minutes on the outside of my ass instead of up it like SD with H lol. Again, this is a behavior that has always been present in her and really has nothing much to do with all the changes she went through. My main concern, the thing I keep obssessing over, is eventually she's going to come live with us and it's going to destroy my marriage. I can not be in a five minute a day relationship. You know, those 5 minutes after the kids go to bed and you pass out from exhaustion. I'm certain that is what it will be like. I got a glimpse of it during Hell week.