BM Family Events
On numerous occasions dh and I have had to take the kids to a bio family event because bm didnt mention it was happening or switched weekends with us so the kids could attend. Her excuse is, if an event falls ob your weekend you take them it it falls on mine i take them. However, its her "family" that is having the event. Like sn anniversary, a birthday party, etc. This has happened about 7x in the past 10 months! Its redicilous I think and dh agrees! First, she is not suppose to interfere with his visitations and second she doesn't even attend the events herself!! Usually we don't learn about the event until we pick them up and the girls have already Bern told that we will take them. It's 100% disregard for dh time with them! Not to mention we could have other plans! The older daughter 11 has now caught on to this game so last week she mentioned to me that there's a party she would like to go to. (it's 4 weeks out mind you) I said that I would look at the calendar talk with her dad and if it fell on one of our weekend we would switch with her mom. She was happy!!! Nowwhy can't her mom be this way!!! Ugh!!! Anyway, indeed the biofamily party is on our weekend, so dh asks ex to switch weekends with him so daughter can attend...her reply that it's his weekend he has to take her and she needs time with her boyfriend! What?!?! Are you kidding me?!?! Again, bm is not planning on attending the biofamily event and expects us on our limited time with daughters to drive then all over town and drop them off where no parent will be so they can attend a biofamily party. What do we do?! She constantly does this and we become a taxi service for the weekend spending our entire visit in a car riding to and from. While she is away with her boyfriend. I believe she is clearly volilating the agreement which clearly states that neither parent shall interfere with the other parents visitation.
Help!!!
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You are going to have to put
You are going to have to put your foot down and not take them to these events when it's your weekend. Its really as simple and as complicated as that. As long as you continue doing it, she is going to continue using you to do it. When you stop, if she really wants the kids to attend she will make arrangements or switch with you guys so that they can. You are letting her dictate what your household is doing.
Totally agree.
Totally agree.
I know what you mean! we
I know what you mean! we always look like the "bad" people because she does this. Her family will call and call and call telling us we have to bring them, etc. But the mother is no where to be found. I hate it! In the past we didn't have this kind of notice, so now we had the opportunity to switch and she won't because her time with her bf is more important than her children, but we have the text messages saved of us asking her to switch and her refusal. The girls will be very upset, but they know only have their mother to blame. We will not look like the "bad" people when this weekend rolls around!
The entire biofamily has no
The entire biofamily has no concept of boundaries! They call to torture my dh thinking he will give in! They even go as far as saying they saved his life when he had cancer! It's horrible. I think we will turn our phones off that day!
And you know what, honestly,
And you know what, honestly, she DESERVES weekends with no obligations. However, you deserve weekends with the girls without BM obligations. You are giving her cake and letting her eat it in front of you.
-- I agree! We have don't care what she does with her time or who she does it with, but what we do care about is these girls who think they can't attend events and vacations because it falls on dh weekend. It makes it exteremely difficult on them and us. BM has spent all spring and summer telling these girls that she is going on a cruise, on a flight, away for the weekend to Bahamas, etc. And they can't go because it's daddys weekend with them. I had enough one day and told the oldest one that it wasn't true, that the schedule can always be changed or switched that it wasn't set in stone as long as dad gets to see you it doesn't matter what weekend. This stopped the whining about "we could be with mom in the Bahamas but we had to be here because it's dads weekend"!!! Ugh!!! The woman is evil! Instead of just saying she wants some Aline time or whatever, but don't make this poor man who does everything for his kids the escape goat!!!
Is your DH going to back you
Is your DH going to back you up with this, though? That's the big question.
Yes, he is very supportive
Yes, he is very supportive and we are a team. He really cherishes his time with kids and hates it when she interferes. He just hates disapointing the kids, but now that we have proof we tried it makes it much easier to prove to them we are not the meanies bm wants them to make them believe we are.
I agree with all the posters.
I agree with all the posters. And if the kids say "Mom said you would take us." Just say, "Well, sorry, but your mom was mistaken. We have already planned on doing X."
Our BM is a little different, instead of offering to switch with us, she just cancels the visitation if there is something going on that she wants the kids to go to. Or she will have the kids call begging to be able to stay home so they can go to whatever event so DH is the "bad guy" for saying no.
The very DAY they were supposed to meet me for the first time, BM decided that was time to go get a puppy! Needless to say, they were not impressed with having to meet dad's GF that weekend! Espec since BM made it seem like her and their dad would get back together if I wasn't around!! :sick:
I agree with everyone else.
I agree with everyone else. Just say no.
BM in my life used to try to do the same. Now we just tell her we have plans - if we tell her anything.
There is no reason to tell her that our 'plans' consist of nothing more than NOT going to the crap she has lined up for us. It's enough to just say that we already have plans.
I totally agree with the
I totally agree with the above posters. Stop playing the game and tell the girls so BM can't use it against you. And then--"brilliant" suggestion, (being sarcastic here to BM's fam)--tell BM family your visitation schedule. My DD had week on-week off with her dad from ages 3-18, when she graduated from HS. HIS family, which was very big on family events, scheduled around her time with him! Once in a while we would switch if need be (and of course he was an ass about it but that's another story). We did the same on our side. Christmas with my family happened the weekend before or after Christmas a lot.
This happens to us sometimes
This happens to us sometimes and my dh just doesn't take them to the event. We don't want to spend OUR TIME with her family. If it is important to her and she wants the kids to attend then we just drop them off and pick them up later. This doesn't usually happen since she wants the weekend to herself. We have our OWN FAMILY events that we attend with the kids and we would never ask BM to take them on her weekend! We just pick them up anyway and she gets some "free time" of her own. But she doesn't seem to recognize this...frustrating....
Look through your custody
Look through your custody stipulation - does it say anything regarding family events? I agree that you need to put your foot down. It's your weekend, it's your time, it's your decision how you use that time.
Our stipulation says that if either bio parent has a family event going on during the other parent's weekend, that we must give 10 days notice and then the other parent must allow the kids to go to the family event with that parent. I would never in a million years take the skids to BM's family event especially if she wasn't even going to be there. The BM in your case is really using everyone -- her family to watch the kids while there isn't a parent there, and you as a taxi service/manipulating your family time with the kids.
If you say no but have offered to simply switch weekends with her, then you did your part. I don't think she could take you to court over not taking HER kids to HER own family event when SHE isn't even going on YOUR weekend.
We explained to the skids
We explained to the skids early on that 'mommy doesn't decide what we do in our house and we don't decide what you do in mommy's house'. They seemed to accept this just fine.
When we planned our holiday abroad this year BM told them flat out they would not be allowed to go. SD7 told me that BM said that then she said 'But mommy doesn't get to decide when we are at your house, right?' I said 'Right' and SD7 did a happy dance and skipped off all joyful.
Having said that, it's a shame it ever got to the point where we have to be so blatant about the difference of opinions between the houses but all the current literature says that in cases like this it's much better to be as honest as possible with the skids without unduly disparaging the other parent. We've found that this works well for us.
We've already had the
We've already had the vacation. We had to go to court for the passports and got them 2 days before we left. We had SO much hassle from her over them, it was unbelievable. We started trying to get them in February and got them in late July.
It's a shame BM gave you such
It's a shame BM gave you such a hard time for wanting to SD on VACATION. Talk about vindictive.
Oh, you wouldn't believe what
Oh, you wouldn't believe what we went through.
Foot stomping, threatening, shouting, lying, calling the police...(her behaviour, not ours). We got the forms, filled them out, got photos and had the police verify photos and signatures 3 times because she said she'd sign the forms then she'd 'lose' them once they were in her possession. Then we said we'd meet her at the police station to sign them (here police have to witness the signature). She didn't show up. So, once she wanted them on SO's time so SO told her she had to pick them up at the police station. i have a lovely video I took of her stomping into the police station, grabbing SD5 by the hand and jerking her away from me, shouting at everyone then lying to the police by saying 'I don't know anything about any passport forms. I'm late I have to run'.
Anyway, 3 court hearings, 3 sets of forms, 3 sets of photos, $9,000 in solicitor and barrister fees, 5 trips to the police station, 4 trips to the passport office, 4 days off work, 12 emails, 1 counselor, 25 text messages and a WHOLE LOT of grey hairs later....we got the passports.
WOW! Sounds like hell. I hope
WOW! Sounds like hell. I hope you really enjoyed that vacation, with the added bonus that she was at home stewing in her own venom. I feel for ya.
Duplicate post
Duplicate post
I agree with all here. Don't
I agree with all here. Don't let her control your time with them. It will continue. My ex still tells me that the kids have partys,events scheduled on my time. Well, that is tough. I put a stop to this months ago. They go and do what I want on my time. If the kids want to go to a event instead of being with me, that is their choice. Otherwise, they come and do what I have planned.
These are all terrific
These are all terrific suggestions and stories. I really appreciate everyones insight. I gave some of your feedback to dh and he said "you and they are all right, I'm tired of being made to feel "guilty" and a "bad parent" by her and her family. I should have done this years ago and we should have not let it continue as far as it has. Yay!!! Cheers everyone! Wish us luck!