So stuck, not sure what to do
Sorry so long, I just really need to vent!!
Okay, I’m not sure what to do about my situation but I feel like I have no one to talk to, so here it goes. I’m 29 not married (never married), no children. The man that I’m currently dating (we have been dating for about 8 months) has “two” kids, one 9 and one 3. The reason why I put “two” in quotations is that the 3 year old biologically isn’t his. The 9 year old is his biological daughter, and the 3 year old and 9 year old have the same mother. Yet, the 3 year old calls my boyfriend ‘dad’, even though he isn’t her father. She doesn’t know any different (her biological father is not involved in her life).
A bit of history with my boyfriend and me: we were high school sweethearts and dated for about 2 years in high school (we were each others first love), so I really have a soft spot for him. We crossed paths some time ago (about 5 years back) and he and the baby’s mother were broken up at that time. We started casually dating (nothing serious by any means) and about 9 months later he called to tell me that his ex wanted to work things out so he couldn’t talk to me anymore. After that, I hadn’t talked to him in 5 years until about 9 months ago he sent me an email stating that him and his ex had broken up, and he wishes that he didn’t try to work things out with her & instead seen where we went. So, stupid me goes back to him.
Now, here goes the problem. I’m 29 years old, working full time and going to nursing school full time. Kids live with their mother but my boyfriend regularly has his “kids” over for visitation. We moved in together about 4 months ago. At this time, I did not know that he had such a close relationship with the 3 year old (not his) and whenever we hung out and did something with the kids; it was always just his daughter-he rarely mentioned the 3 year old. Now that we live together, he never brings his daughter over by herself (or even takes her to do anything with just her). I kind of feel duped in a way b/c I had no idea that he was that close to the 3 year old. Whenever the kids are over, I feel like a prisoner in my own home and can’t wait for them to leave; neither of them leave me alone for 2 seconds. I feel so horrible even saying that b/c they really are sweet kids-but I just don’t have the energy to deal with one kid right now (with work and school), let alone two, they physically & mentally exhaust me. Whenever they are to come over I find myself making up excuses why I can’t be home or make it a point to make other plans. I’m really not sure what to do at this point, I feel so depressed. The boyfriend has no idea that I feel this way; I don’t think he realizes how much I have to deal with. When I agreed to move in with him (or let him move in with me rather), I don’t think that I gave it half a thought of what it was going to be like. I feel so stuck now & I’m not sure what to do.
I know that there are a few issues going on here: having to deal with 2 kids that aren’t mine (I don’t even know if I want my OWN kids) & the fact that he left me a long time ago to be with his ex (the kids’ mom) and the fact that he’s a father to her 3 year old daughter when he has no biological relation to the child. I guess there is some resentment there & I feel so horrible for feeling the way that I do, I feel like such a bad person-I feel like I should love hanging out with the kids—but I just don’t. Ugh. Please help. :?
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I can see where there would
I can see where there would be some resentment towards him being a father to a child that isn't even his after he left you. After all, you and him might have had a biological child during that time. However, in accounting terms, that is a sunk cost. Nothing can be done about that now. You have to decide if you truly want to be with your live in boyfriend. You need to decide now before you get too involved with the situation and cannot get out. I think your husband is great to be a part of the child's life even if she is not biologically his.
However, I kind of know where you are coming from there. There are many many rumors that my middle SS isn't my husbands BC. Some say the BM took the Middle SS to a certain person and told him it was his nephew. And believe me, my husband has no brothers. However, his whole family decided that even if there was a chance, they would accept child same as others and they have.
Please take the time to decide what you want from life before moving further in the relationship. And then, talk to your boyfriend. You must be able to stay strong in your convictions or you will end up regretting your actions later such as people like myself have.
Best of luck in school! That is great! I have three more courses before I graduate with my Master's degree myself so I know the time and effort it takes to acheive a degree.
Wow, you wrote my life with
Wow, you wrote my life with now DH. My DH and I dated then we broke up when he met his now exW, then 10 years to the month we found each other again. By that time he had had a bio child with exW SD11 and he adopted her two previous children from two different dads. At first when we were together we would take the two girls his bio 5 at the time and adopted 10 at the time. There was also an older adopted son, but I have only met him twice. I also had resentment towards his non bio, because DH was paying CS for all 3, yet the other two had dads who didn't have to pay anything. I don't have children and I was never married, lived by myself worked and went to school both full time. Having to give up my weekends to the skids was hard. I would visit with them for a bit, but I also did my own thing. Don't feel bad. Where does it say that we have to give up everything for our skids. I treated them like my neices, enjoyed spending some time with them, but also needed my alone time. I just wanted to say that you are not a bad person for wanting to make yourself happy, going to school and working is very difficult and if you don't take care of yourself somewhere in there you are going to implode.
Thanks guys for responding,
Thanks guys for responding, it's such a relief that there is someone else out there that has experienced the similar things that I am going through and both of you have offered such good advice.
I do know that I have some serious soul searching to do and decide that if he is worth it to me to deal with a less than ideal situation...the thing is, is that i'm not sure if it is anymore. I think i've got a lot that I need to get over (as far as our past goes) and if I cant do that then it will never work out...I thought I was completely over the past but as our relationship progresses I realize that I'm still feeling some sort of resentment. I also am adjusting to dealing with kids that aren't mine, I feel like it's all the responsibility without any authority-that's a hard thing to deal with and learn how to handle-especially while i'm trying to do good in school and work full time also, i'm just feeling very overwhelmed right now. Cdngirl-how did you learn to deal with your situation? How long did it take you to get over the resentment?
Truthfully I am never fully
Truthfully I am never fully over the resentment. Things got easier with time. I finished school and got a new job, we got married, the older non biological daughter moved away to go live with her bio father (another long story), bio SD came to live with us full time. Things changed. I learned that what I was feeling was okay. I help raise my SD as I would want my own child to be raised. There are good days and bad days. I guess for me I look at it as if I need time away, then it is better for everyone if I have time away. My DH accepts this, because this is me. There are days that I truely wish I was single, but I think everyone has those days. My biggest advice is know how you feel, accept how you feel and learn to take care of yourself along with the others in your life.