To tell or not to tell, that is the question.
Background: SD17 stopped doing EOW visitation at age 15 after she flunked 9th grade and BF got over his guilt parenting enough to demanded punishment, consequences, and decent grades. We have seen SD 2-3 times per year since and the visits (surprise) only coincide with events where she is getting presents. Although sometimes that isn't enough of an incentive. We know SD also flunked the 10th grade, likely flunked 11th (we know she was supposed to do summer school this summer again) and we currently aren't sure where she is going to High School. BM and BF have no communication (BM is psycho and unhappy BF's life is going well) and SD17 won't return BF's emails or call, hasn't for 3 years now.
My life has been mostly bliss since the grade blow out and in the time since EOW drama stopped, BF and I have set a wedding date and life is pretty good. I don't really want the drama back.
Problem:To a certain extent BF is an ostrich. He knows SD is not on a good life path, i.e. doing well in school, hanging out with questionable friends, has huge gauge earring (I'm totally cool with body art, when you are over 18 and paying for it yourself...), but since he has literally no power where SD is concerned and nothing serious on BM that will change custody, he sticks his head in the sand. He's "mostly" given up. Fine with me, I burned out on SD a LONG time ago.
However, since we can be stuck with half of whatever trouble SD gets herself into, I try to glean what info I can as to what is going on. I recently decided an umbrella policy might be in order after worrying SD was driving without a license. She has not updated the privacy settings on her facebook page, meaning I can read it even though we aren't facebook friends. I've been monitoring it an attempt to figure out where and IF she is going to high school for her senior year.
I haven't figured out where she is going to school, but I have learned she is not at the old high school, is into smoking hukka and partying with college-aged boys (though I'm sure none of these boys are actually in college, by their FB activities), and is currently under house arrest for something. If this is what I have found, with only this minor window to keep an eye on things, I'm sure the whole story is much worse.
Should I give BF a heads up on what I know and what I can speculate might be happening or say nothing and wait for the something big enough BF actually gets notified (pregnancy, huge drug bust, running away, failure to graduate). BF could obviously learn all of this if he wanted to monitor the FB page like I do.
So STers, leave the ostrich where he is, or give him a heads up so the rug isn't completely pulled out from under him when the something big happens?
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In keeping with my name, I
In keeping with my name, I guess I should also say that part of me wants to say nothing because I worry BF will want to postpone our wedding. For a long time BF didn't want to get married until SD was 18 because of the financial burden and thinking he was shielding me from that (which is a stupid thought since I've been totally baring the burden it terms of the grocery bill, mortgage and all the extras when CS ate up his check. Chivalrous, but stupid.) Also since I stopped putting up with SD's crap a long time ago, BF worried that if the worst of the worst came true and he ended up with custody due to drugs, running away, pregnancy, BM dying-- that I wouldn't be able to handle SD full time and we would split up. Don't get me wrong, he doesn't want custody, never has. BM pulled the I'm on BC oops trick and BF never wanted kids, but he will meet his responsibility to be the custodial parent if the worst-case happened.
We've finally talked our way through those issues and set the date for 12/31/10, custom rings are in the process of being casted as we speak. If he freaks out and thinks the worst case could happen before SD turns 18, I can see him wanting to postpones the wedding to deal with her crap. That would crush me, I'm so tired of feeling like #2 to a SD that may or may not need to come live with him at some point. And while I don't want SD to ever live at my house, or really even visit at this point, I have more guts than to be run off my a screwed up kid.
So part of the argument not to tell him is selfish on my part.
leave him where he's at or
leave him where he's at or you run the risk of being a tattle tale and causing more drama......
hope my sd fails and it opens dh's eyes to punishment and sd decides to ditch visitation!!! }:)
Man, after living the last 10
Man, after living the last 10 years with 2 stepdaughters all I can say is run baby as far away from this situation as you can! Believe me it is going to get much worse and this daughter will always be your BF's blood. He probably will NOT ever turn his back on her so if he already is putting his head in the sand and has no control or has not set boundaries or consequences, this situation is going to end up being disasterous.
Sorry, if I sound so negative but I've been there and done that. Good luck.
We've been together 7 years,
We've been together 7 years, living together 6 So I have no illusions that we will ever be completely free of SD, but with 18 comes that magic break of not being legally liable for her financially, academically, or otherwise. I have been hoping we could get to 18 without something major. Like flunking school is now minor!?!
I know he will always feel more responsibility to bail her out whether 18 or 30 than I will, but his level of bail out will diminish after 18.
I have no doubt that if she were living with us, his head would not be in the sand and he would be riding her butt, but since she stays away from us and has no contact and he has no power to make her contact him or keep him in her life, he keeps his head in the sand so his heart doesn't break.
I would say keep your mouth
I would say keep your mouth shut, but if I were in your situation I probably wouldn't be able to myself. Instead, I would probably hint around at him that maybe he should check out SD's Facebook (and act dumb and surprised if he does and finds out the things he does) so he can get an idea of what's going on in her life. If he doesn't bite, let it go...but me being how I am, I'd probably still keep an eye on it from time to time.
DITTO!!!
DITTO!!!
I stalk Facebook... It was a
I stalk Facebook... It was a condition of them even having an account. I email DH pictures of parties with alcohol, or point out that on a particular day they said they would be at X and they are at Z - Point out all lies. Whatever he chooses to do with the info is his deal.. Me, I let the SKIDS know that I know they lied about being at their mother's house for New Years, when they were actually at a hotel... underaged drinking. I let SD know that I know that she wasn't job hunting and that she was actually at a Music Festival... and fork over the money you were given for gas money...
When it comes to SD, I am a certified criminal minds profiler.. I so can predict her derelictions. I say to DH, now watch, she is going to do/say this. He is finally catching on!!
Say nothing - obviously you
Say nothing - obviously you know you want to be with your finance and no matter what situation with SD you are in it for the long haul so have your wedding and just know that whatever comes up you must be able to face. I would say nothing because I love my DH and I would want my wedding period!!
I agree - have your
I agree - have your drama-free wedding first!!! December is just around the corner . . . !!
Honestly, depends on when cs
Honestly, depends on when cs ends. Here it is when kid turns 18 or graduates high school, whichever comes LATER. If it were me I'd be doing everythingto get that kid to graduate ON TIME. And in that case, yes I would tell dh. If cs wasn't a factor I'd let him figure it out on his own.
My skids live with DH
My skids live with DH (mostly), so when I find out something that I know DH would want to know...I tell him. I've already had my wedding, so he's stuck with me (ha ha), but I think I would wait...maybe....really not sure.
We are facing a failing student with SD and she can't be bothered to care. I also just found out (my daughter and my SD are the same age, same grade and same school) SD tried to instigate a fight with another girl after school this past Tuesday. Yesterday, SD got called into the principal's office and (I'm guessing) when asked her parent's phone #, SD gave her BM's #. BM never even called DH to let him know what happened! And more...DH is the one that registered the kids...he is the main contact for the kids. But, no one ever even called him to let him know that SD has been warned (next time she will be expelled). My daughter is the one that has kept me in the loop and damn straight, I take it right to DH.
Personally I'd have a hard
Personally I'd have a hard time keeping my mouth shut, but if you say something he's gonna feel obligated to do something about it. Im a parent myself, I have custody of my daughter's and my bf has custody of his. If my kid was doing stuff like that i'd want to know, he may also be a little hurt if you don't say anything. My bf's kid drive's me INSANE, sometime's I just try to keep my mouth shut when she does stuff here just to not rock the boat or even ignore that she's here. I know it sound's awful right. LOL.. Anyway It's kind of a catch 22 I think. He might be hurt if something happen's and you didn't say anything, but if you do you could be equally screwed!!! Good Luck to you!!
I think it would upset him
I think it would upset him and then he would not be able to do anything about it. He might end up projecting how upset he is onto you cause theres just nothing else he can do. She's almost an adult, even changing custody wont change her behaviour at this point.