There goes date night...
DH and I are well overdue for a "date night". The plan was for him to check on his elderly parents after work and let me know when he was on his way to our favorite Mexican restaurant. Since we live about 30 minutes away it made more sense for me to stay at work (which is only about 10 mintues away from the restaurant). I ended up staying at my office for an HOUR after work while he checked on his parents. Then I left and wasted some time at the drugstore before he FINALLY called me and told me to meet him there.
I beat him there as always. I swear his concept of time is so royally fucked up. "A minute" could mean anything from 1 minute to 3 hours. Drives me nuts. He walks in, doesn't say hey, or hug me or kiss me, just sits down and drinks about half of the beer I ordered for him. He's obviously stressing about his parents because they are in horrible shape. Trying to take his mind off of it I compliment him on the haircut he got today(even though he looks like Dilbert--ugh horrible).
He goes to the bathroom to wash his hands and comes back on the phone with SD....who I can hear across the restaurant. She was bawling her eyes out because she was at home all alone and it was getting dark and she was scared. Apparently her mom had volunteered to work the JV football game at her school (for WHAT who the hell knows). She CLAIMS she texted SD all day to let her know and for her to meet her at the football field when her afterschool program was over (guess she paid the phone bill because they are back on now). Well...that's fine and dandy but she told SD to leave her phone at home...meaning SD got on the bus as usual and then got the messages when she got home.
DH calls BM and asks WTF. She said and I quote "I can't leave my volunteering job to take care of a crying child". REALLY???? DH is angry and stressing. I said that she needed to HANDLE it...done...end of discussion. He's on the phone the ENTIRE TIME with BM and SD while we eat. I tried to suggest it is not his responsibility to clean up BM's messes and that it is HER responsibility to make sure her child is taken care of on her nights (as nicely as I could). His response "But she' my kid and it will always be my responsibilty". Get a call on the way home that he is going to pick up SD and take her to the football game. Of course he is.
He doesn't see that his coming to BM's rescue every time is only encouraging her to continue her irresponsibility because somebody always fixes her mistakes. ALWAYS. He doesn't see that it's hurting not just him, but SD because she's going to constantly be left in bad situations. He doesn't see that it's hurting him because he will never be able to live his life because he's essentially "on call" at all times to fix her fuckups. He doesn't see that he hurts ME because I have to helplessly sit back and watch it happen every time and regardless of how sensible (or RIGHT) my suggestions are, they don't matter.
However, when I try to say things of this sort to him, I come off sounding like a cold hearted bitch. I think analytically, logistically, realistically, and see the outcome in the long run...not the NOW like he does. He thinks with his emotions, and I think with my head. Maybe I am a cold hearted bitch??
He just got home. Let's see what kind of mood he's in.
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Good thing I ordered a JUMBO
Good thing I ordered a JUMBO margarita LOL!
I see that! I don't think he
I see that!
I don't think he makes people wait on purpose or is late on purpose. He literally just has no sense of time. He truly thinks that he will be done in "just a minute". To him that means whenever he gets done. To me, the more literal person, takes that to mean 60-120 seconds. I honestly don't think he does it on purpose..it's just him. I'm sure it bugs the shit out of him that I am a very time oriented person, while he is a very "ho hum" kind of guy.
Thanks love. He seems to be
Thanks love. He seems to be a bit "down" now. I'm not going to ask about SD/BM or bring it up. Just don't want to open that can of worms (or stress) again for either of us. Oh well...maybe next time, right?
Antidrama - he may not make
Antidrama - he may not make people wait on purpose but it is still an extremely selfish thing to do - my sister is always late - it drives me nuts - my life is just as important as hers and yours is as his - what you should have done was taken that phone and thrown it down the toilet and told him to deal with the shit when you were done with dinner - Date night is probably the most important night of the month - it is the one time that it is all about the two of you - you will need to be able to hang together someday because eventually those pesky kids move out and then it will be the two of you and if you do not lay the foundation for your time alone it will become a challenge to be alone. When I have date night - I tell the sitter if something happens call 911 first and then when you get to the hospital call me or have the doctor call me - that is how important my night out with my husband is and your DH should start to wear a watch to help him be on time.
oh my goodness, I would not
oh my goodness, I would not put up with this crap! On our "date night" the world can come to an end, there is nothing going to stop US from going out and having a good time. And FDH on the phone the entire time...I would have gotten up and in his ass for that. No way!!! BM takes up too much of our time already to interfere with our DATE NIGHT>>>> no BM allowed, no SKIDS allowed. The only thing that would prevent us from enjoying it would be if one of our parents were ill or dying. BM crap no way in hell.
Tell him to get his crap together pronto or you are going to go on DATE NIGHT all on your own. Ok, maybe don't say that, but tell him to get with YOUR relationship together - - NOT BM poor planning.
Someone on here said to me once "BM lack of or poor planning does not constitute an emergenancy on my part"...he needs to make that one of his life rules.
Good luck! I've been in your shoes. I recently took myself out of the role and FDH is working on HIS issues with HIS past relationship and family.
I totally agree Zen - his kid
I totally agree Zen - his kid was with the BM and that is who was responsible for her at the time - not the DH - we have date nights and nothing disturbs them!
I don't think you will like
I don't think you will like my response but here it is. I am a different type of person i'm so black and white. I would have got up and left while telling him that once he got his priorities straight we will not be hanging out or anything and he needs to get bm in check by not bailing her out. the kids won't die and it will only happen a few times and bm will stop that crap. I also would have told him that if I'm not #1 then sorry I need to find someone who will put me #1.
How old is SD? if she is a teen she needs to stop being a cray baby!
I get that kids need their parents but still the wife should always come first. There are a lot of reasons why.
I am a very blunt person and speak my mind and dh knows this very well. He knows that if he wants to keep me he better make sure bm stays in check along with his kids.
No...No...No...NO! NO!!!!!!!
No...No...No...NO! NO!!!!!!! My man and I have date night ONE night a week...on our date night there are no phone conversations with BM or SK's...(Unless we are calling to tell them something "fun.") She knows what time we pick them up EVERY SATURDAY so there is NO need to call...and he talks to SK's every night of the week...BUT our datenight! You need to make it clear - you ask for ONE night a week...ONE datenight - you share him with others constantly and for ONE night a week - you should not have to! BOTTOM LINE! If you keep ignoring this - pretty soon stepkid will BE coming on your datenight....sorry - that's just how it works - don't be a pushover - and never keep your mouth shut or they will walk all over you and you won't even know it.
I'm sure she has kids I have
I'm sure she has kids I have kids too. However there is a difference here and the difference is that her dh is LETTING the bm pass on her responsibility to him b/c he BAILS her out!!! Her is enabling her! She is a parent to that girl just as much as her father is but yet she is not leaving just b/c her kid is crying. I still think that if the child is old enough to stay home she shouldn't be such a cray baby. This is not going to kill the child but it will only help her mom be a mom b/c dh can;t always be there to bail mom out. He shouldn't be there to bail mom out!
I don;t think it matters if
I don;t think it matters if kids are calling or not. Really? you think it matters. I think what is important is that DH doesn't bail out BM everytime she fails to parent. It sets up DH to be "on call" 24/7 x 365 which is not fair to him or his mate. IMO, regardless of whether or not it's a kid calling or bm it needs to wait.
Why didn;t the child call BM?! ahhhh, you see...
What age kid are we talking
What age kid are we talking about here? Are we talking about a teenager, or a child in the "under 10" crowd?
Either way, BM texting SD to let her know where to meet her wasn't really sufficient, especially since SD didn't get these texts, evident by the fact that she evidently didn't respond to BM saying "Yeah, sounds great, see you at the game."
Since the communication failing was BMs fault, YES, she SHOULD have bailed on her volunteering to go home to her daughter. It was HER parenting time, and this was a non-emergency. That all could have been said in ONE three minute phone call. After that, there was no further reason to continue to engage either of them. DH was out of line.
DH should make SD a priority, I agree with that 100%, but this was a non-emergency, and it was BMs parenting time to make SD a priority. Which is why, I'm sure, you scheduled your date night for this time instead of when you had SD.
Sorry it went south. Maybe you two can talk it over and the next one could be better. Also, DH should assert to BM AND SD that this calling and whining and expecting you two to drop what you're doing in a non-emergency is babyshit.
I think you hit the nail on
I think you hit the nail on the head on this one. That is pretty much word for word my thoughts on it.
I don't have any kids of my
I don't have any kids of my own (nor do I want any).
SD is 11 but still on the immature side. As an adult it's easy for me to say that she shouldn't be a crybaby (which was my first reaction), but then at the same time I think about an immature kid at home, alone when it's dark (*this is the first time she's been at home alone when is dark out) and in a not so great neighborhood. So I can see why she would be upset. I'm also thinking that it may have been more anger at her mom for being a complete and utter dumbass and not coming to pick her up. I didn't get more details on the timeline of events because I really just didn't want to talk about it anymore.
Thank you all for your input. I try to take everybody's opinion and muddle them togehter to suite me & my situation
After he got home, I tried to approach it with some humor because that is how I deal with everything. He apologized for ruining date night and said he would make it up to me on Friday. I sort of sprang date night on him last minute so he didn't have any advanced notice (not an excuse, just background info).
Thank you all for making me NOT feel like a cold hearted bitch (or at least turning it into a positive thing LOL). You guys are my sanity sometimes. I ALWAYS feel better just WRITING everything out and then I'm able to go about the situation in a more level headed manner.
We understand. I'm more of a
We understand. I'm more of a black and white type of person. I sometimes come off a little strong so i hope I didn't upset you with my cry baby thing. i just can't stand cry babies and when my skids (all boys) were being cry babies when we first got together b/c bm babies them so hard core, I couldn't take it tell they got out of it.
No offense taken!
No offense taken!
Hmmmm....I might just have to
Hmmmm....I might just have to look that up!!!
*Just looked it up and for NC it is 11. Thanks for the tip, though.