BM Acts Like Mommy of the Year?
Last night BF and I were out talking on the porch and the conversation turned to the kids and BM. If anyone has seen me post before you know that I've had minimal contact with BM, and she seems to be well-intentioned or at least cooperative about the kids. Well last night BF said that he didn't understand why she was so rude to me. I didn't understand what he meant.
The only time I see BM is when we drop the kids off on Sundays (I can't be there to pick them up because I get home too late from work). BF has a two-door truck, so I always have to get out of the truck so he can scoot the seat up to get FSS's carseat out from behind me. Well, the first thing BF does when he gets out is take their suitcases up to BM's porch. In that time BM beelines for the side of the car and gets FSS out of his carseat. She stands pretty much right next to me and has never said anything. She didn't do this in the beginning, but she's been doing it for a few months now. It doesn't really bother me, to be honest. I told BF that. Sure, it's awkward/uncomfortable, and it's possible that she intends it to be a snub, but I'm just happy that I don't have to talk to her.
BF apparently hates that she does this. I had no idea. He said that ever since I've been around she seems like she's trying to show how great of a mother she is. For example, he said that she calls/texts him several times a day when he has the kids with me--asking how they're feeling/what they're doing, but he said that when he had them before I was around he wouldn't hear a peep from her until Sunday, and that was just to ask what time he was dropping them off. There's other little things too, like her sending them over with home-made blankets, lots of meds when they're just a little sick, etc. He said the car thing makes him angry because she seems to be purposely trying to show that she's the mom/that my place is to the side. If that's her intent I didn't realize it. I don't know, I guess he knows her better than I do and would better be able to differentiate her "norm" from what I see. I still would like to give her the benefit of a doubt. After all, she could just be more worried now with her kids around an unfamiliar adult? Maybe I'm just ignoring things because I don't want to believe there is anything to worry about?
There was one thing that bothered me. A couple months ago FSS waved and yelled "Bye Helena!" when we were driving away. It surprised BF, me, and likely BM. The next time we dropped them off BM pulled FSS out of his carseat and asked him if he wanted to say bye to Helena. He looked really uncomfortable and sort of half-heartedly came up to me and smiled (but didn't say anything). He's never said bye to me since. FSD never sticks around for the drop-off interaction (if you can call it that). She climbs out her dad's door as soon as he opens it and heads straight inside BM's house. Maybe she senses something uncomfortable? I hate that we never say bye--we hang out all weekend and seem pretty close, then suddenly they're just gone. It's weird and I don't like it. So I'm just going to start saying bye in the truck right before we pull up to BM's.
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I've noticed this with my
I've noticed this with my SS8. We say bye in the car before he gets out because it seems that when his BM is around, there is tension. I picked up on this the other day when we attended SS's drama club presentation. BM and his half siblings were there, and so were DH and I. We didn't sit together or anything and at the end of the presentation, they held the kids at the front for pictures or whatever. DH was trying to get his attention and he would look at us and then he'd nervously look away. I was trying to take pictures of him and when i had his attention, I waved at him, and he gave a quick wave and quickly diverted his attention to BM and it just seemed that he was "afraid" to acknowledge me in front of his BM. I've been around SS since he was 2, so it's hard to say.
In your case, try saying the good-byes in the car and then let the kid out. This has worked really well for us and there's no worry of BM influencing the child's actions.
I agree with saying goodbye
I agree with saying goodbye in the car while it is still "private". I have been in skids lives for 5+ years and it is STILL awkward for the skids to say/hug hi/bye with all the parents and stepparents present. I know in the beginning it was just as awkward for the adults involved but as time passes I don't think anyone cares or thinks anything of it but it still makes skids uncomfortable. I don't reach out to SD for a hug or anything if her mom is around because I know she feels weird and I don't want to make things uncomfortable for her.
SillyGilly, I am totally in
SillyGilly, I am totally in agreement--I can't imagine hugging on of the kids in front of BM! That's why I am totally fine just standing aside while she gets them. I don't feel like I need to make everyone uncomfortable just to assert myself; like Robinsnest pointed out, they'll see more when they get older. I think they sense that something is uncomfortable about the situation, but I doubt that they could explain why it's uncomfortable.
Exactly! I think FSD is
Exactly! I think FSD is definately afriad to acknowledge me (and she's the same age as your SS, maybe it's that age range?); FSS is 3 and he doesn't seem to be as afraid.
I'm kind of on both sides of
I'm kind of on both sides of the spectrum. If my x drops my daughter off at my house during his weekly wed. visit iwth her, the girlfriends stays in the car. My x comes up to the front door, we talk for a minute, then he is on his way. On every other wed, the weekend my x has my daughter, I have to meet him at the metro. His girlfriend use to come with him and all 4 of us would be standing there during the "transition". I realized time after time, that this was actually HARDER on my daughter. She would have a hard transition whenever his girlfriend was around, I'm not sure why. So I asked him, JUST DURING THE TRANSITION, not to have his girlfriend right there. Ever since then, the transition has been MUCH BETTER! Actually, a perfect transition. His girlfriend still goes on the metro with him, but stays on the metro while he runs my daughter to me.
I think kids sense things. Maybe they're uncomfortable and not sure HOW to react to Mommy/Daddy/and boyfriend/girlfriend. My daughter was 1 when her Dad and I split up. He has since had 2 relationships (within 4 years). The only other man my daughter has met in her life around me, other than her dad, is my now husband. I always felt odd aobut introducing her to a boyfriend I didnt know i would marry. My daughter is only 4. So age may play a part.
I also have a 12 yr old step daughter. and the "good bye" is akward. We do say goodbye, but neither of us are affectionate. She is especially "nervous" when all of us are together. It's almost like she doesn't want to spend time with me when her mom is around, or talk to me. I dont really mind it though. It is what it is.
Kids can usually feel the tension. they are much smarter than we think.
I would just keep patience and just be the bigger person. Kids go through a lot of emotions.
Thanks for the dual
Thanks for the dual perspective NSM. In the beginning I was pretty uncomfortable about going with BF to drop off the kids, but it turns out that it's just more practical that way. We live in a more rural area about a half hour from BM, and BM lives in a city where we usually run errands after we drop off the kids. It didn't make sense for me to stay home and then have BF spend an extra hour to drive home, pick me up, then come with him back to the city. I wish we had a four-door because then I wouldn't have to get out of the car at all when we're there, but I'm not quite ready to buy a new car yet.
I wonder if maybe the multiple girlfriends played a role in affecting your daughter as well? I hate the thought of making it harder on the kids than necessary. I am the only woman that my BF has ever introduced to his kids, and BM's BF is also the only other man that she has introduced to the kids. Hopefully that stability will help the kids?