I have been sitting here reading through some of the old blogs and posts. The attitude here is refreshing...I see comments and posts that I only think in my head, but never actually could type out...because i have been on forums where you have to fix everything as the step mom. You can not experience bad feelings let alone acknowledge them.

Reading the posts has reminded me of exactly how much I have endured the last 16 years. I can not even believe that it has been that long. I stuck myself in rut and here I still am. I have a college degree in Psychology, and I am a SAHM. Not that I don't love taking care of the two little ones we have together...my 8 year old daughter and my 3 year old son. We waited to have children together as you can tell.

But remembering it all is a shock. I realize how far down I have stuffed my feelings. I had to really, in order to keep my sanity and survive these step kids. I remind you...i have a degree in psychology! I worked with troubled kids before I became a sahm. But when my work and my home life collided and I had no dividing line between work and home...yeah...bad time.

I feel that i am finding that these last few months of having to deal with my step daughter are more difficult, because I am really looking forward to it all ending finally. I am anxious. I keep thinking, wow she is going to be 18 soon and she is still so unbelievable immature.

The sad part is....I kept trying all these years to be there for them. Even though they treated me like crap and tormented me. I kept thinking that if i didn't try harder then i was the bad person. Because no one ever sees children as "bad". They don't do anything wrong...it is always the adult that gets the blame. And why always the step mom? We end up the target of all the shit that goes down and happens. If something goes wrong in the skids life, it somehow always comes back around to us.

How has my husband been all these years? Blind for most of it. Imagine that right? I always had to point out what the skids were doing because he didn't see it. Didn't want to, didn't care? I don't know. He would read them the riot act for this or that, still does with sd...but it doesn't do any good. It is always the same cycle over and over and over and over...I am just ready for it to be done.

I have sacrificed time with my own children to try and help his. I hate that. I truly do. Only because the skids will never be thankful for what I have tried to do for them or what I have tried to teach them and the time I have given them. I can't get that time back with my kids. It makes me a little bitter. I have one older son from a previous relationship, he is a year younger than my step daughter ( he will be 17 in a week)...and I find myself thinking these days that, once she is gone, i will have so much time with him, and that I am going to make sure that his last year of high school is great. I think these things because she gets to me, and she has got to me for awhile now, and it is to the point where I see her and I feel instant anger. it is just horrible and I keep thinking of how I can get past this and move on. I am glad she is at school or work most of the time because i can't stand to be around her right now.

We had a huge blow up about two weeks ago and I am still not okay. It is the whole cycle thing. I am just so sick of it all. Sick of her being so unbelievable selfish. Sick of me going through this yo yo thing with my emotions and feelings about all of it. Sick of feeling guilt for being sick of it. Sick of feeling like i still should be trying, because I know how it will end up again, because it has been this way for four years now.

That is what just kills me...the whole guilt thing...I know i feel anger and frustration and resentment...but then at the same time I feel guilt for feeling those things, like I am a bad person for feeling those things, and i should be being more helpful and doing my thing instead of focusing on those negative feelings. Arrrggg! Its like a no win situation right now.

That is partly what brought me here, the need to vent my feelings and frustrations...but at the same time I feel fear to do so because I have been to step parenting forums where you are flamed for expressing anything negative about your skids. The sad thing is...I knew a long time ago, I would end up angry and resentful. It was in the cards long ago, and I went ahead with things the way they ended up anyway, always thinking that I was doing the right thing for the skids. They have a crazy bio mom...she is selfish and only thinks about things in terms of how they relate to her first. Step daughter hasn't even talked to her in like over a year. Has not talked to any of the family on her mom's side...because of things her mom has told them...so they don't try to talk to my step daughter at all.
See? When you start thinking of their stories and whatnot you start to feel sorry for them blah blah blah...you get sucked back in! At some point they need to become adults and stop looking at their past etc as a crutch and be responsible for themselves and their own behavior! I do not see step daughter doing that between now and the next four months when she does turn 18.

It is much easier for them to just be a victim than to take responsibility for their lives. That is how all step parents end up scape goats in my opinion. If you don't coddle them and let them play victim, then you are not on their team and you are an opponent from that point on. Game on! It is such a sick game these kids play, and are allowed to play.