I understand exactly where you are. I so do.

I'm divorced but if I was still married and was on that boat with one or both of our kids I'd want my exH to save the kids over me. I know the marriage is primary and always lived that way with him, but if it was a choice between me and one or both of our kids, I'd want him to save the kids. It's an awful choice but I love my kids that much.

I think the real problem in most of our situations is that whether these men are willing to choose a NEW LIFE with us or their OLD LIFE. The BM, skid drama, the guilt daddying, lack of boundaries, codependence, unrealistic expectations of themself and us are actions that show that they are choosing the OLD LIFE. I feel so many of us on here are or were willing to give and make room for a new life with our men while our men were unwilling to give up their OLD life and expected us to just happily go along with a bunch of bullshit in the name of love. Make sense? I feel that is what happened to me. I changed my entire life AND my kids' lives so we could start a new one with my exbf and his daughter only to find that I was essentially living his old life with him, BM, SD, his mom. Too much drama for me. NEVER AGAIN!!!

Sorry you're feeling down. Hugs to you.

My DH would save his kids. Quite honestly, that's what I'd want him to do because I've gotten to go to college, get married and have a life. They haven't.

I fell in love with DH because I saw how much he loves those kids. If I ever had BIOS I'd save them first before anyone else. I wouldn't live with myself if I didn't save my kids and they did die.

DH had to pay $1500 a month when we only saw the kids EOW. BM used that to fund trips, designer clothes and products (all for herself). Meanwhile, we lived in an apartment, and largely existed on ramen noodles. It's nice to know I'm not the only second wife going through this.

OMG! You said it sooo well. I am with you sister. You'd give your life for him and he ABSOLUTELY expects that of you but he wouldn't do the same for you. You sound like me. Were we separated at birth?!! As much as I love my family, there are days when I think - why don't I deserve the dream? Why must I change my desire to have children because he's already "been there, done that"? It's hard to accept but it is reality.

Luckily, I have someone else who makes my day... every day. My doggie. He is my sunshine. So - perhaps I have resolved that the only child I will ever have has four legs and is quite hairy!!

Oh yes without even blinking I can tell you the answer to this one. It's because WE are not BLOOD dear lady that's dh's favorite line as of late...you hate my son because he's not blood.

This is probably the worst thing IMHO about marrying a man w a child. I can honestly say that I would give my life for him w/o even so much as a blink, but he wouldn't do the same for me if it came down to me and SS. I HATE that I compare myself to SS, and there is really no situation in which this would happen, why do I allow myself to get caught up in hypotheticals?

Sometimes, thinking about this makes me want to get out of this relationship. I hate to admit that, and I have never said it to anyone outside of this forum before. It breaks my heart a little bit to think about things like this. I hate that I have allowed DH to become my everything, when I will always come second to SS.

I feel so petty and small for saying things like this, and yes I probably should have known when I got involved with him and no, I shouldn't compare myself to SS but I can't help it. I wish I were stronger and more confident and I wish that these thoughts didn't pop into my head and I wish that the mere thought of this didn't cause me to break down into tears but there it is. What a way to start off my Saturday night.

Personally, I think a lot of parents would save their kids before their spouses, period. It's not that he loves you any less. Its that most of us adults instinctively would save a child before an adult (especially if its their own child) because children have their whole lives ahead of them, and a child shouldn't have that life cut so tragically short. Many adults would give their life to save a kid thats not theirs- but that does not mean they "love" themselves any less.

I think these hypotheticals are really morbid and just create grief. I'm glad I didn't even think this way as a kid because I know SM would have saved "her" kid before me. It is what it is- I do believe SM would risk her life to save us both if she had the chance to do that. Racking and stacking yourself when it comes to love does not accomplish anything accept bring you pain.

I understand when you say no woman wishes for that, but at least this is just him putting his child first... as opposed to him always putting time with his friends first, or always putting porn and affairs first, etc.... At least his priorities in this regard are admirable... which says something good about the character of the man you chose to marry.

I hope you have a better day....

I would save our child over my DH. I would save his children over my DH. I think the problem arises when you have a DH that would save his child from drowning, return them to shore, find out they're OK, go buy them a sno-cone, and chat with them about latest Xbox games while you're still flailing out at sea. My DH is not like this, luckily. He'd save the kids then drain the ocean if he had to to save me next. I'm a lucky lucky girl.

It's one of those silly questions that always opens a can of worms. I've never asked DH this question, but I'd understand if he said his kids. I think I'd actually want him to for one purely selfish reason: I don't want to deal with him if he saved me and his kids died, because he'd resent me forever and he'd be way too hard to live with, so we'd probably just end up getting a divorce anyway. I always just answer that I'd try to save as many people as possible.

TBS,

Wow, not a good epiphany.

The good news is that eventually the Skids move out and get on with their lives and the distractions for our spouses fade until they gain clarity that we are their focus and their partners.

Hopefully they gain this clarity before we have to drown them.

Hang in there and take a Midol. I will scalp one from my wife's night stand when I have over done a work out or tweek my back. That is good stuff. The muscle relaxers work wonders.

Best regards,

I heard this topic in church years ago. Did not think it made sense at the time to use it as an example of putting the marriage first by saving the spouse. Still do not think it would make sence. I would think most adults would save the child. When a dog lunged to attack my husbands grandson Istepped in front of him. I took the dog bite. This was a child that could in no way help himself against a 60 pound dog. I saw the dog charging first. I always wondered why you would not have the wife grab hold of the child and get them both to shore if you were the man. Team work.

I totally agree with KK8. I think this would be what you would expect of your husband or boyfriend with future kids... Kids have more life to live

Shortly after DH and I got married, he turned to me and said, "Do you know what it means to be married to me? Besides SD, you are the most important person in my life."

I know he meant it in a good way, but it made me feel so odd. So I replied back to him, "Then we really better have a child of our own soon because I almost feel like a stalker (for lack of better term for it.) You are the only important person to me, but you have both me and SD. That's not balanced and makes me feel strange."

SD is now 19, almost 20, and because DH has said no to extra money beyond CS and college tuition, she's been completely MIA since last May. I'm not sure if he necessarily feels that she's most important to him anymore now that she's treating him this way.

He has also said to me that while there's a blond bond between him and his family and a special bond between him and his daughter, he feels that the bond he shares with me is stronger than anything else in the world. I think their relationship is more obligatory than anything else, and now that she's growing up and not needing him, he's disengaging from her himself. I am rather lucky for being in this situation. NO, no little girl dreams of marrying a man "who's done it all before"!!!