So FURIOUS my fingers are shaking
SD12 is failing several classes in school. The biggest project of the year - a presentation and speech - is next Tuesday. BM tells us today that she wants to pick up SD from school tomorrow because they are going to California this weekend.
DH is sick in bed so I go talk to SD about it. I ask her if she wants to go, she says NO, she has too much to do, this would be too stressful. I tell her, you need to call your mom and tell her that, if that is how you feel, and be clear about it, because maybe she will understand if she knows how important this grade is.
SD calls BM and tells her, I don't want to go to California this weekend. I have too much to do, I have very important presentation and it's too stressful. She repeats this over and over, starts crying on the phone, etc. SD eventually hands me the phone so I can explain.
I tell BM SD is failing, this is the most important grade of the year, SD is really stressed and she needs to be able to work on it this weekend. BM response is "She'll be stressed whether she is here or travelling" and "She can practice it while we are gone."
I am just so furious that she cares more about dragging her daughter to California to visit her INTERNET BOYFRIEND than about what is best for SD.
It really puts us in a spot too because per the contract BM is supposed to give two weeks written notice to take SD out of state. We could just tell her we refuse to let her go because she didn't give us notice. But then if she makes a big scene it could end up stressing out SD way more than just going on the stupid trip would.
We are composing an email that will lay out all the facts and inform BM that in the future the 2-week notice will be strictly enforced. (Among other things.)
JUST SO MAD
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Don't let her go. Why are
Don't let her go. Why are you giving in on this? The kid doesn't want to go. School work is way more important. She has to give notice, very simple. It is non-compliance of the CO. You can stop it with that alone...
Maybe it will help relieve
Maybe it will help relieve SD's stress if you guys just tell BM no. SD gets what she wants, so do you, and you guys just have to play the part of the bad guys for a little while.
Maybe it will help relieve
Maybe it will help relieve SD's stress if you guys just tell BM no. SD gets what she wants, so do you, and you guys just have to play the part of the bad guys for a little while.
DH and I discussed this. My
DH and I discussed this. My first instinct was just, tell her no. But then what happens is BM tries to pick her up from school tomorrow anyway, we have a scene there, or she just comes over to our house to try and get her, we have to call the police to get them involved, and we end up with an even bigger, more stressful scene than just going on the dumb trip.
I still wanted to push it because I think BM would cave, but DH and I both feel we don't want to take the chance that she won't cave, and that it ends up being a big police-involved mess. We don't want this to be the weekend that that happens.
Instead I am now composing the letter which lays out all the facts, points out her violations, and tells her in the future it will be enforced. Then she f***ing knows that the next time she pulls this crap we aren't standing for it.
It also lays a paper trail that we chose not to push it this time in the sake of not making a bad situation worse, but that we are in the right and that we are giving her fair warning.
This b*tch is just dragging herself closer and closer to an all-out custody fight and she doesn't even know it.
It kills me too that DH thinks "Maybe she will think about for an hour and then realize, it's not worth it, and will call her back to say she doesn't have to go." I told him to quit frickin fooling himself, quit giving her ANY benefit of ANY doubt, quit thinking that she will EVER make a decision that is not in her own selfish best interest. Her child is not a real person to her, just an accessory.
^^^^^^ I like this and said
^^^^^^ I like this and said the same thing below - skids great minds think alike!!!
Enforce the 2wks notice NOW!
Enforce the 2wks notice NOW! How will your DH telling BM no due to violation of the CO stress your SD-12?
Keep the kid out of it and let DH smack BM around. Since he is sick maybe he will stick to his guns and rub BMs nose in her fecal behavior.
My SS's SpermClan tried this crap regularly only to be told NO or to have the CO rolled up and getting the shit beaten out of them with it.
Even though they were supposed to give us 60 day notice in writing. This evolved to verbal notice. When they would get shitty, we would ignore verbal and require written notice and since their notice was verbal we would use this as a tool to get their summer visitation to start when WE wanted it to start. Often they would argue and end up costing themselves time because they backed their 5wk visitation so late in to the summer by arguing that the kid had to come home before 5wks was up in order to start school. The CO is very clear that school will not be missed for visitation.
It sounds like you already have the tools to own BMs toxic ass. Use them and own her.
She will learn to shut up and to do what she is told.
Good Luck.
Dont let her go...what the
Dont let her go...what the heck is wrong with BM her daughter is stressed out omg just say NO..NO..NO...
I swear to god one of these days...these damn BM who just dont care...
sorry I'm having a stressful week myself with BM....
I feel you Zoie... I know
I feel you Zoie... I know exactly what you mean.
I should also mention that BM
I should also mention that BM has NEVER complied with most elements of the court order and DH has NEVER drawn the line with her. So it's not as easy as "we can stop it with that alone." Yeah, legally maybe we can, but the practicality of it is ugly. This woman does not take no for an answer.
I;ve been kicking DH's butt towards standing up and being a man for 3 years now and he gets a little better at a time. Maybe this time will be enough to make him ENFORCE THINGS.
Or maybe I am the one fooling myself.
I know it's tough isn't it
I know it's tough isn't it but in the end SD is the one who is suffering..my gosh she told her mom NO and that's that....
I hope he stands tall and takes control and does what's right for his daughter....
Hope it all goes well. I pick up SD9 tomorrow and BM is been a BI**C all week..I'm so fedup....I could scream....
I agree with all of the other
I agree with all of the other posters. Don't let her go. If the cops get involved, so be it. It's on her head. It will do SD much more good to see that her dad and you are fighting for her.
All right I am going to say
All right I am going to say it - tell the Bitch NO - I mean it I don't care what scene she makes - your SD needs to study and school is important - don't make her tell her mom no - your DH needs to stand up be the man and tell this woman - NO NO NO - why does she want her 12 year old daughter along when she meets her internet boyfriend - tell her she did not give the 2 week notice so no she can't take SD - don't make SD study while traveling - if this BM has to act like a child so be it let her - but tell you DH that he needs to stand up for his daughter and by letting BM walk all over him he is doing a great disservice to his daughter - NO NO NO - such a small word but make it count -
And really who cares if she ever complied with the court order this time you can make her and be legally okay - so do it - DRAW THE LINE IN THE SAND - believe me it will be hard but once you do it the next time it gets easier - tell DH to be a man for his daughter if not for himself!!! Good Luck!!!
Tell bm no. If you think
Tell bm no. If you think she'll make a fuss atthe school then call the cops ahead of time and make sure one is with you at the school when you pick up sd just in case. Or inform the school sd is to leave with you. What is sd's last class? Could you pull her out like 15 min early just in case? Then have cops at your house if bm makes a fit? The way I see it she throws a fit and causes drama in Friday. Then it's over. Sd has ALL sat and sun to work on her presentation and relax. The kid is practically begging you to step up to her mom and not force her to go. SHE doesn't want to go and is counting on the adult parents to stand up for her and do what is best for her. You can prove to her that you will do what is best for her no matter what or prove to her that you and her daddy are scared of bm.
So she makes a scene at
So she makes a scene at school.
Her father or you tell her NO. She gets pissy and drives away. And your SD can come home knowing full well she gets peace and quiet all weekend.
She KNOWS she has this assignment and needs to study. Yet the adults in her life are not respecting her need to pass this grade.
I wish I could have done this
I wish I could have done this you guys, but I promise NEXT TIME this is exactly what we will do. I am also going to copy and paste all these responses and email to DH to give him some other perspectives.
Part of it is me having to decide whether today was the day I wanted to have another knockdown dragout with DH about me pushing him to go all the way. I really didn't want to do that today. I've got enough other crap on my plate.
SD saw me try to stand up for her and saw her mom continue to be unreasonable and selfish. I hope she will remember that. I have never seen SD cry so hard, she just had a total meltdown.
I composed the letter and DH already emailed it to her without making any changes. I think a sh*tstorm of epic proportions will ensue. Especially because she will know without a doubt that I wrote it. This letter... which is really more a throwing down of the gauntlet... is actually a huge victory for me and is a big baby step forward for us in this fight.
Your husband has failed his
Your husband has failed his daughter. She asked for help and he didn't because he didn't want to upset BM. How can he not see that he put his daughter last and BM first? This upsets me and I don't normally admonish SM's, but all of you should be dissappointed in yourself. She asked for help and you denied her. You put her on the phone with BM. She is a child and you are the adults. It is not her job to handle BM. It is not yours either. It is your DH. This is emotional abuse.
You should not have written the letter. It is his job to stick to the CO. He was well within his rights and should have done it. Not only are you letting her go off to meet some guy on the internet with BM, you are not valuing her wants and needs with her schoolwork. You both screwed up here, because you didn't want a scene. Your scente is coming, you just delayed it at the expense of your SD, who now knows no one is putting her needs first. I feel so bad for this kid. She can come live with me and I would be happy to put her education and needs first...her parents are failing here miserably.
^^^^^^ AGREED!! Sm should've
^^^^^^ AGREED!! Sm should've encouraged dh to handle bm and not make sd go. Then it would've been up to dh. Bm and sd now know bm can do whatever sh wants. You think next time a letter will scare her? Right.
I wouldn't think that any
I wouldn't think that any judge would find your DH in contempt for not allowing your SD to go to CA because for one, BM is not following the court order -- she did not give the two weeks required notice. Tell the BM no based upon the fact that she did not give the notice, and the fact that the daughter has a school presentation she has to prepare for. Don't put the child in the middle to make the decision. She's only 12. That's too much for a child. Second, notify the school that the mother is not allowed to pick up your SD from school that day or any other day that is not set out in the court order, and that if the mother shows up they are to immediately call you and call the police. I would make sure to be there early to pick SD up from school that day, even if you have to take the day off of work.
Most of all though, make sure that it is your husband that is doing most of this so that this burden isn't on your shoulders, but on his. The reason I say this is so that you can attempt to avoid the evil step mother title as much as possible here. This way he is the one enforcing the order, he is the one emailing her, communicating with her, communicating with the school, etc. Best of luck to you.
Yeah you are telling me. I
Yeah you are telling me. I have no idea. I have tried and tried to get DH to demand some details about this but he keeps saying "I don't have the right to do that, I am not here to do background checks on her friends, blah blah"
I told him he most certainly has the right and responsibility to be checking it out, I begged him to demand the address so I could at least run it through the sex offender database, but no dice.
I really feel bad for your
I really feel bad for your SD. Honestly, your DH has failed her. She needed her dad to stand up to her mom for her, and he didn't. If/when she fails this class, and is faced with the possibility of being held back, she will resent her mother AND her father who didn't stand up for her.
You have the CO in hand. There is nothing to worry about legally. So why make this girl go to meet some stranger off the internet? That in itself is enough to stop many men from allowing their little girls to leave the state. We also have his little girls education to consider.
If your DH caved on this, your letter to BM isn't going to do anything for 'next time'. It will be the same thing, over and over.
Gahh... Thank you for the
Gahh... Thank you for the cautionary tale StepAside.
yeah, you are right, I step in and do his job whenever I can, because IMO he WON"T DO IT and I hate to see SD suffer for it.
Thank you for your advice, it is one of the first truly helpful things I have read here.
Thing is, if you and DH send
Thing is, if you and DH send her off, she will realise that she has no support or anyone to stand up for her...srsly the girl was crying and saying no yet you two are still allowing BM to take her? If I was that child I would be running away to a friends house after school friday because clearly there is no support network for her.
you guys should NOT have caved on this one.
I also think it was inappropriate to put SD in the line of fire by being the one who had to tell her mom no. thats your DH job, which funnily enough he has a fully legit CO to back his ass up with. Altho I dont really see what the point of it is if no one ever complies with it.
I feel sorry for the skid here, big styles. I am sure she is stressed and upset beyond belief and you know what, thats totally understandable.
You said you have 'too much on your plate' but yet you found the time and the need AND felt the importance to send an email to BM..and prioritised that email over the actual stress and heartache of your SD.
I rarely dig this deep into a fellow SM but I really feel like your priorites are all wrong here.
I feel so sorry for this
I feel so sorry for this little girl. She asked you to help her and you didn't because you did not want a scene. It was inconvenient for you and DH.
Trust me we did the letter to BM. What a joke! All it did was push us all to court anyway. 10K later and we won, but lost SD. All because DH didn't want to rock the boat with BM.
This poor kid wants to do the right thing and pull up her grade and the idiot adults in her life don't see it as a priority.
Sorry, I hope your DH reads this and realizes what a dissappointment he is as a Dad.
BM will always do stuff like this and your letter will do absolutely nothing, unfortunately an incident in court or with the police are the only thing that will work now. You should be suing for full custody of this poor kid. Do the right thing.... shame on your DH.
Srlsy the more I think about
Srlsy the more I think about this the more I am mad, but mad at your DH and you!
Who CARES if she makes a scene!!!! so YOU AND DH get stressed blah blah...what about all the stress that poor child is feeling now.
I have to get off this blog its really making me upset.
I'd just go pick her up early
I'd just go pick her up early at school and go out for dinner until the bm has cleared town. scene avoided. I am sure there will be backlash-but hopefully it can be something directed at your dh and to him, rather than in front of sd.
Your dh has every right to say no. BM wasnted to take ss at age 9 halfway across the country for her brother's wedding. Requiring him to miss school. SS struggled with school anyway-had a hard time keeping up on a daily basis so a week out of school would be pretty signifcant for him. Dh talked to ss about it and he said he really didnt want to go. Then bm talked to ss and all of sudden ss is crying and saying he wanted to go. Dh still ended up not letting him go. He was not close to this brother of bm's-and that's alot of time to miss. She was pissed for sure-but she got over it.
Coincidentally enough her father died the next month and she wanted to once again take ss half way across the country to bury a man he'd maybe seen twice in his life. Dh did end up letting him go that time-because it was over T-giving break and ss ended up only missing two days of school vs 5.
You really need to think of whatever's best for sd. I dont really think you think it is to go on this trip.