SO Defends BM - UNACCEPTABLE! Vent and Rant!!
Alright, so for the last year and a half I have been with my SO I have hated BM. Well maybe that's harsh...I did not hate her at first but it certainly grew into that the more I learned about her. Anyway, over the weekend me and SO were having a late lunch and were discussing BM and how he thinks he won't be paying her alimony for 11 years because he believes she will find someone to marry and that will be more important to her. I rolled my eyes because I see BM as a money hungry, selfish, entitled, bitch and for him to say that she would care more about companionship than of money just does not seem realistic to me. My SO got so irritated with me for the eye rolling and claimed that I was not listening to him and that I don't think what he says matters to me. Um what? He said it really bothers me when you do that and you know what, we don't have to talk about this and I probably should not have brought up the issue of alimony with you. That's completely not the message I was sending to him! This is how I look at it and I told him so:
1. Since we have been together all I have heard about BM is that she was lazy, she hardly did anything in 20 years of marriage including any domestic duties, raising the children etc. She got jobs and quit them claiming the people sucked and when SO would challenge her on that she would say..."Do you really want me to be unhappy?" Which of course made him feel bad thus he did not push her.
2. She has no interests, no goals/ideals/dreams. She never aspired to be anything great or even SUB PAR for that matter. She never set out to accomplish anything so all she has is the 2 miserable daughters she squeezed from her vagina 23 years ago and at that...took no pride in caring for them nor could she be bothered.
3. She is dependent. She never does anything on her own and anything my SO wanted to do she would go along with so she wouldn't be left out. Yet she complained that she was bored and he never wanted to do anything she wanted to do.
4. She had ample opportunity to take college courses so that she could have a career once the kids were grown and out of school leaving the house but she never took it. Furthermore, she should have been working a full time job more than 10 years ago when the kids were more than capable of getting themselves to and from school without much trouble but nope, she worked pointless, meaningless part time jobs because she "didn't feel like working." I would have JUMPED at the opportunity to take courses with the support of my huband who obviously wants to encourage me to be better!
5. She sets a terrible example for her adult daughters who have observed her behavior over the years and have developed some bad habits as a result. Those poor kids never had a woman as a positive role model in their lives thus, they are confused as to what kind of a role they want/should play in their lives with men they might marry someday.
6. My personal favorite - she came to our apartment and sat outside for 3 hours stalking us out one night! REALLY??? I don't know what finally made us realize it was her but when I did I almost called the police. She was staring into our apartment. This was the beginning of my hatrid for her by the way...the rest is downhill.
7. Last but not least by any stretch - she plays the damsel in distress acting as the victim because her husband left her after how wonderful and DUTIFUL (yes this is the EXACT word she used) she was for 20 something years. She claims he is such a bastard for leaving her as she was always so good to him and so in love with him. She says she deserves $4,000/mo in alimony from him, 60% of the 401k, ALL the equity in the house, for him to pay ALL medical expenses (she is a hypochondriac so you can imagine the bills) and oh yes...the ability to take him back to court should she need some more money.
Now, given all these facts I am supposed to believe that lunatic will EVER stop asking for money???? Come on now! My SO is the one who painted this lovely picture of her for me and now I have the AUDACITY to roll my eyes during a conversation about her??? Excuse me SO but YOU are the one who created this. Had I never known anything about BM I might feel kind of sorry for her because she did lose someone she loved. But since you enlightened me about her lifelong entitlement issues and all about how crazy she is, that is never going to happen! He was saying...I know her blah blah blah this is what will probably happen. I just LOVE to hear all about how well you know her and can predict her every move!! He apologized to me soon afterwards saying that it was a misunderstanding but all I could think was that he was trying to defend her and I'm sorry but that will NEVER be acceptable in my eyes. You want to talk about how beautifully she is handling the divorce after 2 years, you go right ahead and talk to adult skids about it or your friends but she will never get any sympathy from me nor will she ever earn my respect. EVER. It's very simple. I know he will never go back to her, regardless of whether I was in the picture or not...he fell out of love with her years and years ago but still...do I need to be reminded that you were with her for a billion years before me?!
Thanks for listening to my rant, I seriously hate this woman more and more everyday I just needed to get it out!!
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do they have a separation
do they have a separation agreement or are they still hammering things out?
Oh BM has dragged this crap
Oh BM has dragged this crap out for 2 years now. I used to get so much more angry when she would pull shit or re-negotiate something but now I see it for what it is...Her controlling the last of him. With the final hearing at the beginning of May, they will DEFINITELY be divorced at that point and she's panicking because then she can't cry and bitch about the process anymore once it's official and she still wants to blame him for her shitty life.
She said yes to mediation, agreed to date/time/mediator then she went back to her friends who advised her NOT to see the mediator SO had chosen. Um, he was FORCED to pay for this mediator because she cried poor house and said she had no money so therefore, he gets to choose the mediator. Interesting since SO still pays the mortgage on the house he is no longer living in, pays the utilities AND has to pay her temp alimony til this is settled. Now we're back to square one because BM won't go to mediator if she can't change the person doing the mediating. They have been legally separated over a year and the terms above were what was settled until they are divorced. My theory is that this is the very LAST thing she can control. Through this whole thing she has refused to return calls, emails, texts for a whole YEAR. The only time she ever returned an email was when the lawyers were cc'd on it! Now all of a sudden the divorce is about to be final in a month or so and she wants to "talk." Well there's nothing to talk about now that you have forced SO to spend money to talk through lawyers. Why would he want to talk to her now that everything is done? I see it as this: she wants to try to hold on to him as best she can because now it's real. However...she looks ridiculous to everyone because she's not accepting that this person does not and has not loved her for a long time.
It's weird StepAside because
It's weird StepAside because when he feels like talking about it he claims it's just to vent and we don't get into arguments about it all the time, in fact it's not all that often. I might be negative about her because I'm frustrated but he gets why I'm angry. But when he just wants to talk at me and get it off his chest, I have to keep my mouth shut yet at the same time, I better not vent about HER because that's stooping to her level and it's what she wants us to do? Huh? That makes no sense. Do as I say not as I do huh?
I know exactly how you feel
I know exactly how you feel about a good for nothing BM. My DH told me one day that when I bash her (which I used to do alot) that it makes him feel really bad and completey stupid for marrying such a worthless piece of crap. So I don't bash her as much. Do you think he could be feeling that way?
You know...that could also be
You know...that could also be true. I think he does feel guilty for saying things about this person who birthed his horrible spawn though. He feels bad not only for choosing poorly but probably also because his kids didn't have a wonderful mother. It would be different if she were strong and deserving of that title but she isn't. It just bothers me that she had an opportunity to be so much more but just did not care to.
"but when I mention it, he
"but when I mention it, he tenses up and starts laying into my ex-boyfriend"
Hahahahaha, I don't know why I find this funny, maybe it's because it ties into BM having a moustache I don't know. What I think is interesting here is that you could probably give a shit what he says about an ex boyfriend yet he thinks this is a way to get back at you! Hahaha yup my SO hasn't gone there yet and maybe he will but if he does...I still don't see how that makes us even! You are comparing an exbf to your ex wife who you had miserable, terribly behaved children with??? Yeah that's the same! Good one DH!
On a side note...why would she keep a moustache, there are PLENTY of ways to get rid of that! Gross!
Oh also...I learned not long ago that BM has been getting perms for years and still continues to do so to this day. Her hair is so frizzy and she still styles her bangs to puff out in the front just like in the 80's and early 90's. What a winner!
"if you're NOT paranoid
"if you're NOT paranoid you're NOT paying CLOSE ENOUGH attention"
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!! Thank you Crayon, this is what I'm saying. After BM stalked us I would look everywhere when I got outside and I would make SO walk me out to the car to check my tires with me for fear that she would learn which car was mine and slash them! He used to say...come on now, she's not capable of that. WTF are you kidding me????? Oh no that's impossible but it's totally normal to wait outside someone's house for 3 hours just to catch a glimpse of the new hotter, way younger and smarter girlfriend! Give me a break!
NN never had to pay alimony
NN never had to pay alimony (thank goodness he saw enough of her craziness never to marry the psycho). However, when we had just gotten married, I wanted him to try to get more custody than he had.
He didn't want to because, "Even though we couldn't make a relationship work doesn't mean she isn't a GOOD MOTHER."
Yeah, right. I have actually had the opportunity to throw that in his face a couple of times over the years (and many times bit my tongue to KEEP from bringing it up!).
BM even had NN fooled that she was MOTY!
I think we have the same
I think we have the same rules maux about the living situation. SO thinks that she needs/wants companionship and then money won't matter and I'm telling you right now, the second we hear of that lunatic moving in with someone we are at the courthouse in a hot minute! It is a nice scenario believe me, I would love to buy into it but from what I have seen of her I'm just not convinced and I don't see how this is so confusing for my SO to see either. Like...what??? How can you think that about her you don't even know her!!! Oh thank God because if I were her friend I would say - GET A REAL F*CKING JOB WOMAN AND WORRY ABOUT YOURSELF FOR A CHANGE!! Seriously, if any of my girlfriends were torturing their husbands the way she has been I wouldn't even want to associate myself with them. My friends are all very smart and successful, college degrees etc and even if they don't have the best jobs or make a ton of money the BUST THEIR ASS!! I have no tolerance for behavior like hers, she sets women back 100 years and I don't appreciate that.
It's funny you say that about your DH calling her a horrible mother, I am constantly saying this to SO of course AFTER he has told me this and he will be like, "Well she was nurturing I can't really say she was a bad mother." Alrighty then that's fine...but I can and I DO!
Thank you HS...that is a
Thank you HS...that is a great perspective. I bet you're right. He gets frustrated with me when I get upset about things that she does and then he explains it. He once said, "I feel like you just do not trust my judgement and believe what I say." I do feel like I am a good listener but you're right, sometimes when it's a touchy subject it's hard to see the other side when you are so convinced of your own feelings/beliefs.
That is interesting...I think I will try to re-word next time and see where that goes!
Oh for sure Crayon...it's
Oh for sure Crayon...it's even worse if it involves parenting his bratty adult daughters! When it comes to BM it's not as if I don't trust or believe him but I don't want to feel as if he's trying to change my views on how I see her that's just not going to happen. I think HS might be right on this particular situation though...it's probably not the actual issue iteself but more the way the information was presented/heard and it's true - I could have done a better listening job.
No not at all HS...it
No not at all HS...it actually does make sense to me. Sometimes my SO comes across very defensive and in the past when he has done it I have pointed it out and asked him to please listen to what I'm saying. There's no need to get defensive, it's perspective/constructive critisism and what's more he would ask me for my opinions. One day during a conversation about a different topic, he got defensive with me again and I mentioned one more time - you don't need to be defensive and recalled the example about a previous conversation regarding something else. I said when you get defensive, that tells me that you think I am NOT on your side and we need to be a team. I told him that I dislike the idea that when I am honest with him it's not because I am judging him or his decisions but trying to HELP him as he has requested. If he can't have a conversation without getting defensive then I don't want to have one at all. He did realize what was happening and said he didn't get before that he was pushing me away and out of a healthy conversation and he needed to be mindful of his defensiveness. Since then we've been able to have a lot more conversations with success. However, I think this issue is partly about the message "I" am sending and I need to pay attention to what I'm sending his way.
I have hated BM from day
I have hated BM from day one.
Now though... while I still don't like her, won't ever speak to her if I can help it, and will throw a party the day we can block her phone and email... I at least have a little sympathy.
I thought BM was a terrible whore. Knocked up with two different men's children while still married to DH.
Then I found out that DH cheated first. Not once, but twice. Yes, she messed around, but DH was no prize himself; he's the type to sacrifice his personal life for his job (so am I) and he was away a LOT.
I hate the way she treats SD15. But SD15 is talented at music and writing, and is a polite and cheerful teenager to us - and BM doesn't actively PAS SD15 against us. Karma is biting her on the ass though; her domineering "My way or the highway!" attitude is bringing out the raging bitch she-teen in SD15. Not to mention that if that raging bitch is JUST NOW showing up at 15, BM must have done SOMETHING right. Doesn't stop DH and I from getting a giggle or two about it, and we're grateful that BM will NEVER give up custody without a crazy fight.
But... DH has never defended BM to me. I am actually the one who has stopped him from badmouthing BM to SD15. We have our own bitch sessions in private. He hates her much more than I do. He doesn't take my dislike of her as a criticism of him. I think this is where I have a difference from a lot of you ladies.
Snickers, I recently saw this
Snickers, I recently saw this show on t.v. where this couple was having serious marital problems and contemplating divorce. The husband had worked hard and had established this business before he met this woman and he made ridiculous money. He told this woman before they got married that he would take care of her and she could stay home and raise kids etc etc etc. Well then years ago when the market crashed, he lost almost everything. His business went under and he was working a few jobs to stay afloat. Well, at that point he had to ask the wife to pick up a full time job because they just could not make ends meet. You would think this guy was asking her to climb into a the jaw of a lion and live there. They were interviewing her and she was crying and what she said just about made me dive through the t.v. to strangle this bitch, "He promised I wouldn't have to work and now I'm being forced to spend 40 hours/week in an office he just has no idea what I'm going through...he didn't keep up his end of the bargain." ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME????? I was MORTIFIED by this and almost had to change the channel. I felt terrible for this guy who was obviously discouraged, overworked and exhausted. In his interview he also cried and admitted to feeling like a failure who let his family down. I could not even believe what I was hearing. If your family is having financial issues you do EVERYTHING in your power to pull your own weight and contribute to a solution. I was so unbelievably disgusted. My SO sat there watching with his mouth gaping open and turned to me and said...this is EXACTLY like BM, it's who she is. I have no tolerance or respect for that shit. Furthermore...how the hell do you know 10-15 years in advance that you will have financial turmoil??? I know everyone has experienced this recession and felt that pressure in different ways. I have not had an easy time myself but I would NEVER complain to work 40 hours to pay my bills!!
What is wrong with these women??? I just need to stop trying to understand them because I never will and it's such a waste of energy.