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Will it be obvious I love my baby more than the skids?

corgimom's picture

Submitted by corgimom on Wed, 03/16/2011 - 1:19pm

I still have a long while till the baby will be born (middle of October), but I am starting to worry already. DH is afraid I will love the baby more than the skids, and he is afraid skids will notice me loving the baby more and be sad or start to resent me or him. I am also afraid of this. I mean, honestly right now I love my dogs more sometimes. DH pointed out to me that I let my corgi on the bed more than I let the kids on our bed.. and I'm just thinking, "So..?" I'm trying to keep the master bedroom as a kid free zone, because that is the place that DH and I get to be alone during the night. Even last week, when he was saying he missed the skids sleeping in the bed with him sometimes, and I refused, he said, "But the baby is going to sleep in our room when it gets here." Well, yeah, but only until it's a certain age. And it will be sleeping in a bassinet or something similar BESIDE the bed, not IN the bed with us. I have enough trouble sleeping as it is.

So my question to all of you step-and-bio-moms out there.. did you immediately love your bio children more than your step children? My skids are full-time with us. BM is only getting supervised visitation (supervised by US until DHS finishes the investigation), so no EOW breaks for us. I care a lot about my skids but I still have my feelings of jealousy and resentment pop up, and I know that someday I WILL love them as if they are my own, but what am I going to do about how I feel when the new baby is born, and how do I explain these types of things to my DH? I don't think he will understand, and frankly, I'm afraid that if he sees it, he might start paying less attention to the new baby and more attention to SD and SS.

Corgi Mom Beee

Comments

corgimom's picture

Submitted by corgimom on Wed, 03/16/2011 - 2:00pm

How do I explain this to DH when the inevitable conversation comes around? He really wants me to be their Mom, as BM will probably not be in the picture much longer, and I know he'll get his feelings hurt if/when I show more love to baby.

drizellasmom's picture

Submitted by drizellasmom on Wed, 03/16/2011 - 2:00pm

I had a SD before I had a bio daughter...and although I loved my SD it doesn't even come close to comparing to my bio. Good Luck!

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Wed, 03/16/2011 - 2:28pm

You don't explain it.

Showing more love and feeling more love are two different things.

Showing love is done when you take the actions of love. Housing them, clothing them, feeding them, interfacing with them, disciplining them, etc... are all the actions of love.

The feelings of love are instant with BKs (so I here) are hormonal, psychological and inherent in everyone (nearly) who has BKs. Love for a Skid is in the actions of love. If you do the actions the feelings will follow and grow.

I would also present the concept that even BioParents who have the feelings of love but don't do the actions of love in fact don't love their kids at all. Any one can tell another "I love you" but showing it is where the love is at. Not in the words or feelings. It is in the actions.

No two children, even in intact initial families, are loved the same or even to the same extent with the possible exception of twins (or other multiples).

As a child grows up the love it gets from the parents changes. So a first child will be loved differently than a last child or middle child.

As for how to explain the difference in the feelings you have for your Skids and your BKs.... don't explain it. Don't even mention it. It is not a conversation that can end successfully and is better avoided.

Why would you want to have the conversation at all? How does that conversation start?

"DH, you know I love my/our BKs more than your original kids right?" :? :jawdrop:

What decent person even starts the conversation>

If DH asks the answer is "I love all of my kids." No comments about degree and differences, just that you love them all then leave it at that.

All IMHO of course.

Still Have Hope's picture

Submitted by Still Have Hope on Wed, 03/16/2011 - 2:04pm

You will love your baby intensely, completely and immediately. It would indicate a problem if you didn't (postpartum depression). Years ago before DD was born, SD then 8 asked if I would love my baby more. I told her you don't measure love as in more or less. That you can love many people in many ways. I gave her the example that she loved me, her stepmom differently than she loved her mother. And her dad differently than her stepdad. I told her there is enough love to go around but you have different love for different people in your life.
Your DH should realize this. Have him read a parenting book about mother-infant bonding. You should make no apologies for the intense feelings you will have for your child. And although you might love you stepkids, it will never be anything like the love you have for you biological child.

afrazier212's picture

Submitted by afrazier212 on Wed, 03/16/2011 - 2:08pm

I have 2 skids and a 15 mon. old now!! BM is outta the pic. I think kids understand that love is different and you are not their BM. They feel more deeply about her than you so why should you feel guilty for loving your BC more deeply. Love is love there are just different kinds! My skids know I love them a lot and my son knows i love him a lot too. My skids are 13 and 11 so how they get treated is obviously different and im sure when DS is that age I will handle him differently than i currently handle them, but he is bonded maternally to me so really there is no way to hide or force feelings that are not there. As long as you have respect, understanding, and love who cares!!!

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Wed, 03/16/2011 - 2:16pm

If you consistently enforce the rules with all of the kids in your home, Step or Bio, then no, it won't be obvious.

If you are reasonably fair in gifts, time, interest in what each kid is doing, participation in kid activities, school meetings, etc.... no, it won't be obvious.

Of course you will love your BKs differently and even more than your Skids. That is human and natural. But, it you are fair, consistent and engaged with all and each of the kids then the Skids will not feel the difference between your love for your BKs and for the Skids.

afrazier212's picture

Submitted by afrazier212 on Wed, 03/16/2011 - 2:18pm

Also DH needs to understand and open his mind to the thought of the love he holds for each of you. It's different. DH loves you like a wife, he loves his kids as his kids, family as family, friends as friends. You will love DH like a husband, your child as your child, and his children as family (I assume, that's how I can best describe it) I hope your understanding what im trying to say!!

Happymom3's picture

Submitted by Happymom3 on Wed, 03/16/2011 - 2:39pm

When it comes to my bio sons, I'm the one and only mom they have! They deserve all the love and attention I give them. My SS has two moms and ever changing dads,besides DH and all the extended family from both families! He get gifts from 5 sets of grandparents in our situation. It's almost too much! It's my BS4 birthday today and MIL said they got carried away getting gifts so some are going to be for everyone so SS10 doesn't feel left out but is that really fair when my BS's won't get the same consideration? I think bios need all the extra love and attention they can get. You should not feel bad at all and DH should be more understanding! I would fight for all my kids and DH but would only face death for my bio kids!

newmom01's picture

Submitted by newmom01 on Wed, 03/16/2011 - 2:57pm

My DH (still trying to learn your lingo here Smile had two sons from previous marraige, but they dont live with us EOW for now (and never will!) just waiting till one of them turns 15 or 16 and has fight with mom and wants to move in (Yeah Right)....we now have a one year old and another on the way next week! I love my children more and not really sad to say. I dont mistreat them, I cook for them, take them to sonic every now and then and play games when they come over sometime...what else can I do my husband and I get into arguments when I try to really teach them manners, or disipline them, so I just dont! I let him do all that....I do what I want when I want

Snowflake's picture

Submitted by Snowflake on Wed, 03/16/2011 - 3:29pm

I agree with most of you. I OF COURSE ABSOLUTELY 100% love my children more then SKIDS. Do SKIDS love me like I am their mother? Do SKIDS listen to me like I am their mother? No, of course not... because they have a mom. I have my kids who I love - well like they are MY kids.

The sleeping in the bed thing - My daughter is an infant. If she ever wanted to sleep with us (me and her dad) then she can. She doesn't because she is an independent child who enjoys sleeping on her own. But IF she did, there would be no questions - she would be sleeping in our bed.

But with SKIDS - I think it is inappropriate. I know as a mother I would flip my lid if I found out that MY kids was sleeping with someone else that wasn't his/her parent. Not that I think that there would be anything inappropriate going on, but adults just don't sleep with kids who are not their own.