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SM Wedding Etiquette

Dory's picture

For any SMs out there who will be attending a skid wedding and you're not quite sure how to conduct yourself }:) - now you know what's expected of you!

http://www.buzzle.com/articles/stepmother-wedding-etiquette-proper-weddi...

and another one:

http://newbrideshandbook.com/stepmothers-and-weddings/

I can't decide if these articles are tongue-in-cheek or for real :?

Comments

Auteur's picture

In general, weddings are seen as some glamourous display of pomp which I object to no matter what. Why all the reality shows like Bridezilla, etc.??

It's just a symbol of entitled "ME" generation getting married and then a few months after the fact are getting divorced; even before the bills for said gawdy wedding have been paid!!!

Weddings and Marriages are highly, highly, highly, highly overrated!!! IMHO.

Dory's picture

Yes, I recall many years ago the sister of a friend of mine got married. Her parents took out a loan to pay for an OTT wedding. They divorced before the parents had even finished paying off the loan ........

sweetthing's picture

Such B.S. I love that the SD can sit in the front row with BM & her family but it is exceptable for dad & SM to sit 3 rows back, I personally think that all parents should sit in the front row step & bio & the rest of the family sits behind. All stupid advice like this does is justify some nitwits chance to stick it to old dad.

donna123's picture

It is hard to believe people actually write this kind of trash. Here is my review of “Proper Wedding Etiquette for the Stepmother”

Dealing with stepmothers can be a difficult situation.
That’s the way we like to keep it. Everyone knows SHE is the problem.

Begin by thinking about what the stepmother should wear.
A yellow hounds tooth polyester pantsuit topped with a red clown nose would be ideal.

Where should the stepmother sit?
If there isn’t an outdoor toilet how about the third row back?

There may be an etiquette problem when it comes to family photos. It is not strange for the stepmother to not be seen in any official wedding photos so do not take this personally.
No one wants HER in any pictures anyway. Was she even there?

During the reception, etiquette again requires that the stepmother take a back seat.
Perhaps SHE should stay in the backseat of the car where SHE belongs?

What about the family dance? Proper etiquette has the stepmother bowing out gracefully and allows the bride to share this day with her biological parents.
Best thing, is don’t invite HER in the first place. Just tuck away the money she gave to you and forget about it. In fact tell everyone she gave you nothing.

These stepmother etiquette hints will hopefully allow the stepmother to deal with wedding plans without making mistakes that could hurt or embarrass their stepchild.
Make sure SHE and everyone else knows she is an unwelcome intruder and that should prevent HER from embarrassing you on your very special day.

Finally THE stepmother should remember, SHE is not on the losing side. SHE has your loving husband with her—the proof and trophy that SHE is the winner!

This passes off as Etiquette? Haha. It must have been a joke. I hope.

Totalybogus's picture

I don't have a problem with most of it. I just think that people put too much thought into the STEP. Why do people feel the need to put her in her place? The only thing she is guilty of is loving the child's father. I don't even care if it is portrayed as if she was the reason for the break-up of the marriage. Truthfully, she couldn't have broken a marriage that wasn't already broken. I think of her as the result, not the cause. It really should be the decision of the bride and ALL adults should honor her request regarding her day, except of course for exclusion of the stepmother. I don't think it is proper to invite one part of a couple no matter the circumstance. I know if my husband wants me to attend any event for his children, I am right there by his side. I'm there for him, no one else.

It is true that it is the bride's day and it is a very special moment between mother and daughter. It was for me with my mother and my own daughter. I certainly wouldn't want that experience to be usurped by a stepmother. So, I think it is common courtesy for the stepmother to take the backseat to this event. We get the same opportunity and should be afforded the same courtesy with out own children. Why make it a competition? It will only upset the man we are supposed to love.

donna123's picture

Why do some people automatically assume that a stepmother has the intention and desire to usurp everyone on that special day? I think most of us have no such desire. I also find it offensive that anyone would see any of it as a competition. But that is the how the article put it. TROPHY? haha. goodness me. Absurd.

Milomom's picture

LOL Dabevans!!!! I love, love, love your reply!!!

Shame on you!!! Oh well, I suppose that means that FDH & I did it all wrong at FSS27's wedding, too!

We all sat in the front row together - including all sitting in the wrong order than was planned at the rehearsal dinner!!

We all sat next to each other - in this order: FDH, BM, Milomom (me), I think BM's mom & sister sat next to me, too (can't remember). FSD16 & FSS13 were in the wedding party, and were standing up front with the bride & groom (FSS27), otherwise I guess that means we REALLY would've screwed it all up!! LOL!!

When we realized we screwed up the seating order, BM turned to me & pointed towards FDH as if to say "do you want to switch?" (the ceremony had started so we didn't want to talk in the middle of it and start playing musical chairs & interrupt) - I just smiled gracefully and laughed & shook my head no as if to say "No, don't worry about it - doesn't matter" - we both just sat back & smiled through the ceremony together.

YES FOLKS, YOU READ IT CORRECTLY....BM SAT BETWEEN FDH & I DURING MOST OF THE CEREMONY!!! It was a little bit weird in the very beginning, but we all just laughed it off. FDH eventually moved his seat to sit next to me and held my hand the entire rest of the time during the ceremony. After that, we were seated together with FDH's family at the reception and BM at a completely different table with her family at the reception (though the tables were VERY close together).

I must admit, it was really a rush for me. I felt totally comfortable and "in control" - didn't feel "left out" or "below" anyone whatsoever. FDH & I were clearly there as a couple in love together, and it showed on FSS27's wedding day. We danced together the entire night (slow and fast dances), ate together, circled the room to see everyone together - it was a GREAT night!!

As a matter of fact, at one point during the reception, BM & I each danced with FSS27 together during a fast song (BM behind him and me in front of him and "sandwiched" him)!! We were all hysterical!!! Not to mention, everyone had just a LITTLE bit to drink at that point...... I haven't seen the wedding video yet, but I wonder if that was caught on there..... LOL!!!!!!! Oh well...

Gee, I guess it was also very "usurping" of me to have an AMAZING time with my FDH & everyone there - and especially when I "sandwiched" FSS27 on the dance floor with BM as the other "slice of bread" behind FSS27. What a wicked stepmother I am!! LOL!!

Eyes Wide Open's picture

Etiquette? Get real!!!! We'd be starting with a bride who pumps out kids for a living. We'd have a groom who may or may not be the daddy of a few of them. I'm sure, if she ever gets married, she'd wear the whitest of white dress, preferably one that accentuates her multitude of tattoos. Yeah, I'm concerned about ettiquette! Seriously hoping I'm not on the guest list!

iwishyouwould's picture

lol all i have to say to that is goooooood luck. Good luck trying to wrangle your father into sitting next to bm and not me on your wedding day. Good luck not having the stepmother and father who you were raised by, who at this point have put you through college, and who are most likely the sole financial backers of this wedding/honeymoon to not have a say in the seating chart and, more importantly, guest list. Good luck getting the photographer that in all likelihood i am paying for to not take any pictures of me at the wedding of the child i have raised since i was barely more than a child myself. Gooooood luck there buck-o.

12yrstepmonster's picture

My aunts (multiple) wanted me to follow the Dad sitting 3 rows back thing in my wedding to DH.....HELLO, I was in my 30's and yes we were having a formal wedding (and oh my I even wore white- because it was cheap!) but to think that my dad would sit behind half my family when he raised me.......hello!

My mom sat the down and said, IT'S her wedding, back off.

My dad, brothers and grandmother sat in front pew
My Mom, Sdad, ssiblings, sat right behind.

HE IS MY PARENT, and isn't sitting behind anyone. I had them sit in different pews because I was uncomfortable with them sitting in one.

My thought, you sit me and DH in seperate areas, or 3 rows behind you mother and family. She can pay for her princess to get married, I will pay you 1/3 of what we were going to pay- a reduction for each pew you sit me from the front where you DAD belongs.

12yrstepmonster's picture

My aunts (multiple) wanted me to follow the Dad sitting 3 rows back thing in my wedding to DH.....HELLO, I was in my 30's and yes we were having a formal wedding (and oh my I even wore white- because it was cheap!) but to think that my dad would sit behind half my family when he raised me.......hello!

My mom sat the down and said, IT'S her wedding, back off.

My dad, brothers and grandmother sat in front pew
My Mom, Sdad, ssiblings, sat right behind.

HE IS MY PARENT, and isn't sitting behind anyone. I had them sit in different pews because I was uncomfortable with them sitting in one.

My thought, you sit me and DH in seperate areas, or 3 rows behind you mother and family. She can pay for her princess to get married, I will pay you 1/3 of what we were going to pay- a reduction for each pew you sit me from the front where you DAD belongs.

jmvilen's picture

I have no idea why stepmothers are so often bullied. As someone posted above, "The only thing she is guilty of is loving the child's father." I like steptalk, because it actually takes the stepmother's feelings into consideration. Most other so-called etiquette sites act like the step-mom doesn't even have feelings or who cares? AND, they act like the step-mom is supposed to show up at these events and just know/accept that she is going to be treated like trailer trash when she had absolutely NO clue that she was going to be treated like a criminal for simply wanting to be with her husband. Can't believe it! Regardless of whether you are a step-mom or step-child, how would you like it if you showed up an event with your husband or date, and as soon as you walked through the door, someone pulled you away from him, stuck you in a closet, and locked the door. Then, when you finally beat your way out, all act like you were the one who did something wrong! Figuratively speaking, but this is how it winds up feeling for a lot of step-mothers at weddings. No one should have to tolerate this. All I can say is, if anyone is planning to spring some sort of bride or groom-imposed seating/couple rearrangement for their wedding, make sure you tell ALL parties prior to the day of the wedding. Don't expect step-mom, for instance, to just know that she is to stay out of everyone's way, including her own husband's, and be seated in the third row way back behind her husband. To her, that would just seem unnatural to not be by her husband's side/her husband's date. To maybe a handful to people at the wedding, it might sound natural to have bio-mom and bio-dad in the front row together, with their spouses way in back. But, to most others it will look odd or even inappropriate to not have a currently married couple seated together.

jmvilen's picture

I have no idea why stepmothers are so often bullied. As someone posted above, "The only thing she is guilty of is loving the child's father." I like steptalk, because it actually takes the stepmother's feelings into consideration. Most other so-called etiquette sites act like the step-mom doesn't even have feelings or who cares? AND, they act like the step-mom is supposed to show up at these events and just know/accept that she is going to be treated like trailer trash when she had absolutely NO clue that she was going to be treated like a criminal for simply wanting to be with her husband. Can't believe it! Regardless of whether you are a step-mom or step-child, how would you like it if you showed up an event with your husband or date, and as soon as you walked through the door, someone pulled you away from him, stuck you in a closet, and locked the door. Then, when you finally beat your way out, all act like you were the one who did something wrong! Figuratively speaking, but this is how it winds up feeling for a lot of step-mothers at weddings. No one should have to tolerate this. All I can say is, if anyone is planning to spring some sort of bride or groom-imposed seating/couple rearrangement for their wedding, make sure you tell ALL parties prior to the day of the wedding. Don't expect step-mom, for instance, to just know that she is to stay out of everyone's way, including her own husband's, and be seated in the third row way back behind her husband. To her, that would just seem unnatural to not be by her husband's side/her husband's date. To maybe a handful to people at the wedding, it might sound natural to have bio-mom and bio-dad in the front row together, with their spouses way in back. But, to most others it will look odd or even inappropriate to not have a currently married couple seated together.