WELCOME! There are many posters in that situation here, albeit most posters here are NCP SMs. (non custodial parent stepmoms)

I'm a custodial SM. I've only been married for less than a year, however I've been in the skids lives for 9 years or so. Long story. I think it's on my first blog.

For the most part I do get along with my skids. I 'parent' the younger ones moreso than the 13 year old, I leave her to her bios. She's not a problem child yet, but she has begun doing things behind our backs, things we do not allow but her mother does. I have a feeling we will be getting the 'I wanna go live with mom' crap soon.

CP SM here... SS11 lives with us and visits BM during the school year and most of the summer.

Welcome to this site. It is INVALUABLE...

I am custodial but my SS was 16 when he came to us. I am NOT a parent figure to him at all. I feel for you. If you were the bio, I would have different advice than you being a step. This makes it SOOO hard being a SM. I was lucky that my ex was out of the picture when my daughter was a teen. It was hard enough without having to add a bad ex in the mix.

What does dad say about letting her live with her mom? Good luck and hang in there.

Sd13 is with us and see's bm about 5/6 nights a month if she can be bothered bm that is. We have the problem bm is on a throne and can't do no wrong. Where as when we give rules and make Sd do homework it's terrible etc, it's fdh who does all of Sd's parenting (insert chuckle) now as Sd is taking hormones out on me and I am not taking it and being a maid and chasing after a rude teen. Fdh is also your typical guilty daddy. It's tough not getting a break from your own children not alone skid's. I have gotten some good advice and coping techniques from this site. Good luck.

My SS-18 lives with his mom and me full time and has since the beginning of our relationship when he was 1yo.

We have had the advantage of long distance SpermIdiot and SpermClan visitation which is a whole lot less traumatic than the EOWE you are dealing with.

My son visited his SpermClan ~7wks per year. 5wks summer, ~1wk winter and ~1wk spring.

SS would usually do a pre-visitation brain fart for a couple of weeks then we have about 4-6wks of post visitation detox before we get him back under control and in to his real life routine.

The key IMHO is strict rule enforcement. No tolerance of crap regardless of how much drama the blended family opposition tries to inject in to the situation.

By their teens the kids know the rules and the consequences and choose to suffer consequences when they choose to behave in violation of the established household rules.

Give them the consequences that they choose.

In my SS's case, once he turned 18 and aged out from under both CS and visitation and could no longer be manipulated and be used to manipulate my wife the adults in the SpermClan quit all interface with him. His three younger also out-of-wedlock by two other mothers SpermIdiot half sibs call him regularly and he calls them. But the adults have finally shown their true colors and have little to nothing to do with him. Once they had to pay for 100% of visitation travel they abandoned the kid and we refuse to pay for him to be exposed to their toxic crap now that we no longer are forced to by a CO.

For the most part we have had few problems with our son other than some fairly normal teen crap. Our issues have been with his SpermClan. It took a while but we ultimately decided that the best way we could raise him was to enforce consistent rules and to beat the shit out of his SpemrClan every time they stepped out of line.

As primary parents our job is not to be the (s)kid's friend. Our job is to be their mentor, example, confidante and disciplinarian. The best way we can help the kid in my opinion is to remember this and be consistent in our role and in enforcing the rules and consequences. Equally as important we need to beat the snot out of the blended family opposition when they jeopardize the kid’s well being.

All IMHO of course.

Best regards,

We just became CPs this week - BM has some health problems and can't take care of SS5 full time anymore.

It hasn't really been that different; our visitation schedule as NCP was every weekday evening and every other weekend.

I'm having trouble picturing a scenario in the future where my SS says "I want to go live with mom" that doesn't end with me saying "Then I bet you wish you had some choice in this matter, cause you don't"

My SS13 lives with us full time and sees BM every other weekend. BM likes to parent from afar...she likes to dicate to us and expects us to do as she says! Most times we ignore her but DH has caved a few times.

I have mostly disengaged from SS for my own sanity. He did say to me one time that he would rather live with BM than to clean his room. I told him to back his crap and go!

It is a daily struggle with SS. He is lazy and is currently failing the 8th grade. It is hard for me to sit back and watch this happen but I can't change anything. I let DH & BM handle although I must say what they are doing isn't working! I have a BD who just turned 14. She is a straight A student but what do I know, right? }:)

I was a custodial sm to ss from ages 1-9. He will be 13 in a few weeks. I was definitely primary parent as dh worked out of town-he even went to Iraq for a year and I kept ss-bm visited eowe. I guess my ss was an overachiever because he pulled the anger and hate out on me starting at age 6-up until that point things were pretty good and I loved him as my own. 6-9 were hellish years-he did everything from threaten (in detail) to kill my son, to steal my panties and bras, lie to everyone about me calling me abusive and such, and pretend to be psychotic. He always said he wanted to live with his mom. When he was 9-my dh knew he was going to be sent to Iraq again at the beginning of the year-bm had petitioned the courts years ago to get ss if dh was ever deployed again (although she had no argument about it the first time)so he was already scheduled to go-but dh did end up sending him a few months early as he took my panties and took them to school and showed his classmates. Sort of the final straw. He's been there since. Dh was injured and has been on a medical hold for literally years now-so it's not even be a consideration for ss to come back although we did do eowe visits with him which went badly. Dh will be home in May for good and he will begin visiting ss out of the home.

I hope things go better for you-I dont have any real advice for you only I know how it feels. I am not sure that anyone ever understood what a sense of betrayal and loss I felt at ss's complete rejection of me (along with all the other things he did). It was very depressing for me and took me quite a while to deal with it. I had cared for him for so many years he was like my own child and it required a grieving process on my part to move on. But I have. I dont care if I ever see him again. I know that probably sounds cold, but so much has happened. I have to make my focus about my own children and myself and let ss's bio parents figure him out.

I'm a custodial stepmom of SS11 and have been for 3 years. SS11 sees BM every other weekend and that started 2 years ago. Before that, SS11 saw BM every now and again, no structure. I feel bad for you because it sounds as though you are closer to your skids, having been in their lives since they were under 5 yet SD is lashing out at you. I am not close to my SS11. I just do what I can to help support DH in raising him. What about counseling for your SD13?

2Plus2 - I am the custodial stepmom to an SD who is now 17 years old, 18 later this year. She came to live full time with DH and I when she was 14. She has a very difficult relationship with her mother and sees her for about 3-4 hours once a month.
My husband travels for work, and is gone for 6 weeks at a time for the most part, with 2 week breaks at home. So I can empathize completey with being the "real" mom.

When SD came to live with DH and I, she was so bitter toward her mother, and really good with DH and myself. However, her therapist warned us that she may start acting out. It took a while, but in the past year or so, SD has really started challenging me here and there. Nothing major though, like some of the women on here go through. I have been very fortunate.

One thing I will say, that I think has helped me here - is yes, DH does support me. BUT I never would have accepted anything less. I told SD from the very beginning what I thought was right. And DH and I would argue. But I didn't let that stop me from parenting in the way I felt was right, I was brought up. My take on it is, if SD was my bio child, DH and I would be having these disagreements anyway, so I am going to parent as if she were my own.

Don't let your SD threaten you with bio mom's. Tell her straight out... if you do that, you can only do that 1 time and we'll let you come back. There will be NO going back & forth between houses because you don't like the rules at one or the other. Be strong. Be firm. And make sure that she knows you mean business. Also, get DH involved now, and get him on this page.

Your SD may be pushing you for a LOT of reasons. One of which is that she is just a teenager. But she also may be struggling with a lot of emotions and realities that she is becoming more aware of as she grows up. Don't think that just because you have a great relationship with her in the past, means that she still doesn't long for her mom to be "a mom". It's a tricky dynamic we are in.

It sounds like you are doing everything right. Keep up the counseling. If she rebels against this therapist, find one that works with her - that is so important. And don't switch counselors because they aren't telling your SD what she wants to hear. Find one that gets the stepfamily dynamic and isn't bringing their own baggage to the table.

Stay strong and tough. It's an old addage that children are asking to be disciplined, and have boundaries. I fully believe that. They need us to be strong because they are flailing about cluelessly. Do you remember being that age and starting to see you parents' flaws? It happens.

Hugs girl... We are all here for you!

I am a step mom of four children that live with us full-time. They have no visitation at all with BM. The kids are SD16, SS18, SS20 and SD21. I have a BD17 also who I share custody with her father, so she is with us one week, with her dad one week. I have been married to their dad for four years, together for five years. So I came into their lives during some crucial years -- difficult years. I know, what was I thinking? I don't know!

BM doesn't get to see them because there is a restraining order in place because of psychological problems on her part -- long, sordid, nasty story. My husband has had full custody of the children since 2001 -- long before I came into the picture.

The restraining order is a lifetime restraining order. Enforcing it has been loads of fun. The oldest daughter constantly violated it, and at one point it caused her mother to get put in jail. So now, there is a warrant out for the mother because she was a no-show for the court hearing. So basically what we've told the kids is once they've turned 18 and graduated from high school they can make their own choice to see their mom or not. The oldest daughter seems to be the only one that wants to see her mom, but honestly I think its only because her mom gives her money. I think she uses her mom.

The oldest daughter has been the most difficult. After we had been married for six months she basically went crazy on us (she had been having repeated problems before we got married) --- and my husband had had enough of her behavior. She was refusing to go to school, refusing to help around the house, being totally disprespectful to me, my husband, and the kids, laying around all the time, just being a miserable person, refusing to go to counseling -- she was a nightmare. He kicked her out of the house and she went to live with Grandma. This is BM's mother. Grandma was encouraging this kind of behavior -- she could deal with it. So off to Grandma's she went. She finished school and got a job. She also ended up joining the national guard.

She recently came back to live with us -- which I was very unhappy about -- to say the least. We are adjusting, but needless to say, she hates me and makes it quite clear of her dislike of me. I can't hardly wait till she moves out.

The one I seem to have the easiest time with is the youngest daughter. My hope and prayer is that one day they will accept and love me more than they do at this point. I love my husband dearly and I'm in it for the long haul, but it has been very hard to say the least. I've got four against one. I've had to learn to get a thick skin.

After reading many of the stories here, I'm thankful that my stepkids don't do violent things towards me or cuss at me. My husband would never allow that. My oldest step daughter was disrespectful towards me one too many times and she got kicked out. The kids saw that and remember that. For that I'm thankful.

Anyways.....there ya have it.