New here.
I started thinking a few weeks back about my upcoming marriage, the FSS5, the upcoming baby and decided I might want to find a group of people who've been there, done that. So here I am, and I'm not sure exactly where to start.
I've been lurking here a little while, and have become familiar with some of your stories (though, assigning names to stories may take a while since many of them are very similar).
I don't have the same issues as many of you.
Yes, there is a crazy BM involved who is a waste of good, breathable air, but she and I don't talk, and frankly, I plan to keep it that way. I just will not be sucked into her drama. FDH and I, though, live many states away from her (no EOW situation), so it's probably a lot easier for us to limit her drama - at least as it applies to us.
I don't have crazy in-laws. I *do* have one crazy FMIL story, but I've let it go since she had just lost her med. insurance and was out of her meds *and* going through an especially rough divorce from an abusive, cheating husband. She flipped out on me one day about something totally stupid.
My FSS5 actually *REALLY* likes me. He doesn't listen to me, which is his BM's fault (she simply doesn't believe in discipline, and this is not something new as of the seperation), but he does like me. I believe in discipline, and FDH and I are on the same page so far as it's concerned; I know it'll take a few weeks at the beginning of each summer visitation for FSS to re-adjust to our rules, but I can relate. I was the completely undisciplined SD that had to be de/re-programmed every summer, too.
So. . . what *are* my issues, you ask? Well, FSS is special needs. BM chose to drink throughout her pregnancy, so FSS is very, very behind in mental/emotional development. The flip side of this is he is also very, very STRONG; he really doesn't know his own strength. He has biceps and abs!! Oh, and he's already over 5' tall. And finally, as I mentioned, there is a baby on the way. My concerns are more on the side of, how will I explain to him that the baby is fragile? Will he understand? How do I keep the baby safe *and* not hurt his feelings - after all, it *is* his baby sister, too. He's a super sweet, very loving kid and I know for a fact he will want to interact with her, but he's also very hyper, doesn't take instruction well (from women), and hard to control due to the strength and difficulty understanding things. Of course, when Daddy's around, he listens, but Daddy works and I'll be the primary care taker most of the day. So, what do I do?
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Wait, he is 5 years old and
Wait, he is 5 years old and over 5 ft tall??? WOW! That is REALLY tall! That is a full foot taller than my 7 year old SS.
My opinion, you are going to have to just put your foot down. Lay down very strict rules about the baby, and follow through 100% of the time. If he is not supposed to walk around while holding baby, the very first time it happens, punish him. The babies safty has to be priority over FSS's wants.
What kind of special needs is he if you don't mind my asking. Just curious because I have a special needs nephew. He is very close to my heart.
What???? Over 5' tall at 5
What???? Over 5' tall at 5 years old???? How is that possible?
Yes, he's *huge*. I guess, to
Yes, he's *huge*. I guess, to be fair, he's almost 6, but still . . . insanely tall for his age. I haven't seen FSS since X-mas 09, so when FDH reported this to me, I thought he was exaggerating. Then, BM posted a pic of him on her FB of FSS sitting on the Easter Bunny's lap; he was as tall as the Easter Bunny.
As far as his special needs, I don't know how to describe it, exactly. He doesn't really understand what's going on around him a lot of the time. When he's being scolded by a woman, he genuinely thinks it's a game. He will giggle and laugh loudly, close his eyes and turn his head from one side to the other (like a visual version of sticking fingers in the ears and saying "I can't hear you"), flail his arms around (did I mention he's strong?), bounce up and down, or any combination thereof. He didn't start talking at all until he was almost four years old, and he is very difficult to understand, as in, there are only a handful of people who understand him, and those are people who've been in his life since birth. When he does talk, it's mostly only names of people/pets or favorite foods/restaurants - most of which are similar, double syllables (i.e. he calls my FMIL "Nuna," an aunt "Nini"). There are a few exceptions to this (I'm "Dole"). I'm trying to think of more examples, but really drawing a blank; however, if you meet him, it's immediately obvious that he's way behind the developmental curve. My understanding is that there have been attempts at official diagnosis, but Fragile X and Autism have been ruled out. FDH is convinced it is Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, but BM has never owned up to a medical professional that she drank throughout pregnancy, and has stopped trying to have him diagnosed at this point. Not everything about his delays are bad, though. BM has tried, by accounts of several mutual friends, to bad mouth FDH and his family to FSS; FSS, of course, doesn't understand, and is always elated to hear from or see FDH. FSS always asks about Nuna, Nini, and everyone else; he obviously misses them all.
Wow! Hes a big boy. My son is
Wow! Hes a big boy. My son is the same way, he's almost 2 and is a lil over 3 feet tall!!! Hes almost as tall as my 5 year old daughter. He wears a size 8 1/2 shoe and my daughter is in a size 9!!
Anyway, children like that need very strong and stern discipline and structure. You Must, must, must take control of him now before he gets bigger than you. There is so much information on the internet and in the library about how to handle and discipline strong willed(A nice way to say extremely difficult) children.
As for the diagnosis, I would recommend that you and your dh take him to the doctor yourselves, whenever you have him again. I would definitely try to diagnos him ASAP, so this way, the doctor can give you advice and resources for what his disorder is and how to effectively parent him.
Goodluck! I hope this helped a little bit.
Welcome.....the support here
Welcome.....the support here is great...
please continue to be proactive in your role as a SM....unfortunately I was too dumb to everthink that I would have the same SM issues I had heard others talk about....now years later now I am trying to deal with the monsters I helped create...
Dealing with a step with emotional/mental issues just adds such additional stress...the advice about getting a dr asap is helpful and i would highly encourage it...also getting FDH fully engaged in HIS role as a parent to this little one and well as to your new arrival is a HUGE area you need to encourage...
Hope you stay with ST and avoid some of the issues I have found myself in....