I need your advice on how to Deal with my husband's ex on Thanks Giving
My husband is great and we have a great relationship. We have dated for 5 years and are now married since Jan. 2011. The main challenge for me (not for him) is how to interact with his ex wife on holidays. My husband and his ex and their children have had Thanks Givings every year since their divorce, which is 13 some years ago. So, he and his ex get along pretty well. However, I, my husband's mother and sister in law (all women!) can see that his ex is still attracted to him and she can't move on even though they have been divorced for 13 years now. As such, our first Thanks Giving together, which is 2 years ago, turned into a disaster. His kids won't talk to me, she acted as a victim and told the kids that my conversations with her upsetted her so much (yes, I made a mistake to talk to her!)
I never feel jealous or worry that my husband and his ex will get remarried. Rather, I feel uncomfortable and upset when the ex is trying to get close to my husband physically, like sitting right next to him, following him around the house, seeking out for his reactions and engaging him in conversations or giving my husband half of the food that she has eaten. I knew that she was doing all that to make me upset. I knew that i should not react, which I did not say a word or anything, but she could tell that I am unhappy when she does that. When she is around, it also makes other members of the family uncomfortable because the kids (3 grown up kids, all above 30 years old who want their parents together on holidays and want the whole family to be in the same house) will have to take sides. The thing makes me even more uncomfortable is that this year, it is not just having Thanks Giving for a meal or two. Rather, we will all live at my husband's son' house. True, the house is huge, like a mansion, and I have also insisted on getting a hotel, not staying in the house. But still she did not make me feel that I am part of this family and she is demonstrating her queen mother status implicitly and showed her affections towards my husband. I have to be the audience of all of this. This just makes me feel so uncomfortable and irritated.
My husband said" no big deal. Rise above her and let her do all of this. What difference does it make?" These are all true. But hard to cope emotionally.
I don't have an option of not going because my husband and i live in two different cities and the holidays are the time we can be together. Thank God there was no Xmas since they are jewish. The only option I seem to have is to ignore her mini actions and rise above. Do I have other better ways to deal with this?
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I don't think she wants to
I don't think she wants to upset you rather her reasons are more selfish. She wants your husband to see that she is still an important part in her life. So he is remarried .. but SHE is still his first wife and the fact they are divorced slips her mind and she wants to be important to him.
One way to manage it is to talk to your husband. Explain you appreciate that this is a family gettogether and of course his children want both parents there. However her actions are rude and insulting like sitting next to him, passing her leftovers onto his plate. In the WomanWorld these are like dogs peeing on their territory. So maybe he can make sure he is seated next to you and have another one of his kids or grandchildren sitting on his other side. As for the monopolising ... let her. She is only queen in this tiny little land. Just ask your husband to remember who he is married to now and to not indulge her demands. He needs to walk away and excuse himself at the earliest opportunity. Stay close to him and chat to the other relatives.
But really, talk to your husband. If he is really that wonderful he will understand and maybe see her behaviour through the eyes of his new wife instead of a girlfriend.
YOur comments that she wants
YOur comments that she wants to remain being important is very
interesting. I haven't thought about that. As you can read in my most recent blog, I had a good conversation with my husband about how we both will act in dealing with her.
THe question we are struggling right now is whether we should stay in the hotel or the son's house. If we stay in the hotel, her importance will shine. But if i stay in the house, I have to deal with her
every meal, which is a lot to bear!
What do you think?
Oh..Hell No!!!You have an
Oh..Hell No!!!You have an option Linx..YOU are his wife now!!! My Stepdaughter(31yrs)decided that this past Xmas, she was doing dinner at her house..now I have always had dinner at my house since way before she and DH were in the picture(13years)AND, she was also having her Mom, grandparents, aunts and uncles(in a very small house..think kitchen/living room area combined on 1st floor)Now DH,Myself,Ex, and her family all get along well and she has zero interest in getting back w/DH, she has been remarried, widowed, and has had numerous boyfriends..In fact, they pretty much avoid each other after "Hello" and she and I will sit and chat...BUT...aside from the fact that Xmas is MY holiday with my grown children and elderly Dad.......it would just be weird!! Grandchildren's Bdays and events are fine, cookouts, etc, but holidays, no..I don't really care what SD wants, people in Hell want ice water..With that being said, if you still feel that you must go and DH will go anyway..then you need to make sure that you beat her at her own game. YOU sit next to him so she can't.If she is there, just say "excuse me" and sit between them...Engage in the "private conversations"..in other words, make yourself very visable and show her what her place is and what yours is!! It may not be at your child's house but it is still DH child and YOU ARE HIS WIFE!!
Thank you, thank you so much!
Thank you, thank you so much! I did talk to my husband A LOT about this. He sees that she
is doing all that! And he is trying to get away from this. For instance, at one dinner, my husband and i just sat down, she came over sitting right next to him. Then my husband got up and moved to another location and I moved with him. She stopped. But I also knew that my husband does not want to appear to be rude since they do have a friendly relationship. He does not want his children to see that he is rejecting their mother. His daughter once told him that he ought to interact more with the mother and seek out her opinions about this and that. My husband does not do that.
My husband is not as observant all the time! Once, she , the daughter and the husband took a walk on the beach side and I was on the shore. The daughter, maybe purposefully, may be not, walked more and more slowly, and my husband and his ex ended up walking alone for a long time talking about education (she is a teacher and my husband is a professor). He forgot what he was doing until I appeared to ask for the car key to leave the scene and he said: "Oh, shoot." He apologized and was a lot more careful.
These social interactions are difficult to control!
The reason I say that I got no option of not to go is because my husband and i don't live in the same city! Holidays is the time we can be together besides 2 meetings each month. In addition, his argument is that he made a lot of adjustments to be with me by living in a city he hates most of the time and dealing with my difficult ex. although the two only met once in the hospital when my daughter was in in emergency. But we can't move to the same city
because my relocation has to be approved by my ex and he won't.
I feel that i need to be there with him for the marriage and he wants to be there.
I have decided to get a hotel and not staying with his ex in the same household.
The difficulty is that she is not nasty, or crazy or rude, but doing all these little tricks that you can say or tell anybody else in the family because they will think that I am
too pitty. Harder to deal than a rude ex. She also acts quite friendly when i and children
and his mother are around. But hatefully when it is only she and I running itno each other.
But my husband said: Why let her win? Just ignore her. Don't get pulled into her game.
My husband does not talk to her much in these gatherings, but pretty friendly because he also feels guilty for leaving the marriage.... COmplicated situation and feelings
I have a question. If we
I have a question. If we stay in a hotel, should I be in the son's house
all the time when my husband is there or some of the time, or stay half of
time in my hotel?
Interestingly, when my husband and his ex get together without me, she did not do all these
things. It seems that my presence stimulated her to do these things.
I don't know if I should take the approach of ignoring it and rise above or intervene.
My husband is a lot more aware of it now than before. But they were married for 26 years after all, were used to interact well. That is why he and her and kids have had holidays together ever since the divorce. Of course, her feelings were well protected by every one in the family, from my husbnad, his mom, his kids. My husband has always dated, but never ever
brought 1 girl friend to these family gatherings until he and I were serious about our relationship. She is used to the queen since divorce and she does not want to loose that!
Good luck.....BM has nothing
Good luck.....BM has nothing to lose. She's among family that thinks she perfectly fine. She'll be like a gnat and buzz around and around.
Your husband needs to pick up on what she's doing and quit sending signals to the ex that it's okay. He's being polite for the sake of his kids, BM is mistaking it that he's still interested. So he needs to be careful around BM and be sensitive to you. However, you must remember that he, too, is putting on an act. He's being polite for his children's sake and BM is misreading it.
Now, of course the kids don't want you there, you're a reminder of the failed marriage of their parents. If you're not there, then they have an opportunity for their parents to be together like old times, everyone is happy....a dream come true. When you're there, they can't have that happy wish and the reality is there that their folks are divorced and they're like the majority of families in the US.....blended. In fact, if dear ol' mom hangs all over dad, she might be able to run you off. Doesn't matter that your husband and the BM are over, better he have no one if it ain't BM. You never know how kids look at it.
BM is the mother, it's her clan, she's the patriarch and at family events, she rules. You are the visiting guest celebrity. So you need to act it. You remain calm, take it all in and when it's over, you walk out with the man.
No matter what you say or do, it will always hurt BM's feelings. You just say hi and smile.....you didn't talk to her. You speak for a few moments then leave, she's hurt because you won't give her time. You can't win with the jackass. And that's just what she is...a dressed up jackass all a twitter because she's putting on a show for everyone trying to convey a message that husband and her are still an item even though they've divorced. It's all an act.....remember that...it's an act performed by a jackass in front of an audience that tolerates dear ol' mom to be a nuisance. No matter how annoying the woman is, it's their mother and therefore, her behavior is allowed, like that of a spoiled overbearing child.
Sorry, get use to is, it's always going to be like that.
My husband will stay in the
My husband will stay in the hotel with me.
My counellor said that for marriage like 26 years old, it is very hard for them
to break the tradition,esp. this is a very tight family.
This is a very complicated situation all around. Believe me, I have excused myself to
many of his family gatherings. Just the year 2011, by now, they have got together for 3 times now! This family likes to get together.
one of his kids seemed to be more close to me than others. But nothing will stop them
from putting their parents together on holidays. They all say that their parents should not be
married any more because they truly had grown apart. But they do want them to be friendly to each other and want them to be there for them... yes, children are selfish and parents don't like to hurt their kids even if they sacrifice their own interests.
My husband denies that the kids want he and his ex together, but the fact is that feel safe somehow by having both there over the holidays.
You're sweet & seemingly
You're sweet & seemingly making excuses for your DH's actions. You've received tons of sound advice and the final decision is always your own. I think that it is awesome when families can blend perfectly (if that's at all possible). In your case, Bm (ex-wifey) does not respect your position as wife & DH has not put her in her place to do so. He does not realize that until [he] stands up for you & put his ex' & children in their places that they'll continue with their disregard for you. If I were in your situation, there is no way I would attend this nonsense of a so-called Thanksgiving dinner (no way). If your DH is not concerned about spending his Holidays with you (his new wife) [when he doesn't live in your city], then I'd wonder how much he's really committed to you & your marriage to him. Everyone involved (at least ex-wife & your DH) appears to be in the age range of 60's (based on their offspring age) & you're telling me they're unabl to handle this situation better. Not me, no way would I attend. I do not like my DH's sister, she's the most phony, gossipy, trouble-maker you'd ever want to meet & let's not exclude 'ghetto-type' person. If she's at their mom's house when my DH & I are in town visiting, I excuse myself & I won't even speak to her. She wronged me horribly several years ago & refuses to apologize so I want nothing to do with her. Thankfully, my family is near my DH's mom's area & I'll leave (with my babies) to visit my family/friends & DH will call me when he's ready. There's no way I'm interested in spending any holiday time with my sister-n-law; she's a straight-up a$Shole & I'll have nothing to do with her (nor will my children). My hat goes off to you if you chose to continue to torture yourself with such nonsense. Many well wishes to you & your decision-making.
Okay...just read the two
Okay...just read the two posts above mine.
She's definately competing with you.
This is what my husband's ex does. She'll be an absolute ass just for my husband or I to just look at her. She'll be a public fool for his attention. At a football game, stand up hootin' and a hollerin' to the point people turn and ask who that crazy woman is. She'll always seat herself to be able to stare and watch us. She's infacutated and can't get enough of us. Watches watches watches.
Ahhhh...at every event, she puts on that she's the one who's adored and loved and oh how she wants everyone to know that. She's the miracle worker, she's what makes the world go round...ohhhhhhhh, she's just animated with the show she is putting on.
When we have to be in the same room she is...thank god that's only maybe once a year, if that....omg...she's just animated, loud, and downright hideously obnoxious. If she has a drink...here come the tears.
Just go along with your husband and do what he suggests. This woman is harmless. Stay at his son's house and enjoy yourself with the pitiful woman. It's all an act that you've got to put up with.
Remember this, your husband loves you. Show kindness to his kids, they know their mother is putting on a show. They see her as happy and that makes them feel good. So just go with it..it'll be just a few days and then over.
It sounds like the kids like
It sounds like the kids like traditions and having both parents in the same place makes it easier all around.
Did you see the movie "4 Christmases."? Imagine if the kids had to drive around to all the family. Even if their spouses families are still together that would make 3 families to visit on one weekend. I found one family exhausting enough!
Just sit next to him. Hold his hand. Smile at everyone and offer to help. So the crazy mum chats away to her ex. He will get bored with her. Or you can play a game with him ... Honey, each time you sit around playing happy couple with your ex is one more night I won't make your workd rock to its foundations. Just saying ....
Can you go and enjoy the fun
Can you go and enjoy the fun part of it?
True, it's not normal for the BM to act like that. Mentally stable people would be respectful to their exes and be pleasant for the sake of their children and make the gathering enjoyable.
When you've got someone being a dingbat and an ass out of themselves and you know it's because of you, then it makes for being uncomfortable.
Try to get to know the rest of the family, speak with them, fine their interests to see what you have in commom, gain their confidence that they find you interesting. They will understand your position a lot better if you attend their family events with a good attitude.
Don't let the perky pesky BM ruin it for you or your husband. IT's all a show and because the two or you are there, she's energized beyong be rational.
A friend of mine does this same thing. SHe's told me how she takes her ex by the side and tells him this and that. She does it purposely to bug his wife. I haven't the heart to tell her the comments he made about her after the event. I wish she'd stop because the new wife doesn't give a high fig what she does or says because she knows the man loves her and only her. My firned only makes everyone feel uncomfortable with the way she acts....but she will never change.
So, those are the shoes you walk when you marry a man with an annoying BM and kids who think she's mother of the year. It can be a rough walk at times, but you put on those red shiny slippers and get through it the best you can and search for the fun. Remember...you've got the man, she's only got shallow dreams.
Your comments are very
Your comments are very helpful! Yes, we think that she is deeply depressed and not happy. She probably feels the power by doing what she is doing to us.
My husband said tonight that she leads such a sad life, why should we go down to her level and just ignore her.
I told him that what life we have is the decision we make, not anybody else forced upon us. She got over 1 million dollars with the divorce and her kids are all successful and all doing well. She has nothing to be sad about except that her husband left her. THe thing she may feel sad is that she is overweight, which led to various physical problems.
I told my husband that until he put his foot down, she will continue
her crab.
Everyone pays attention to her feelings in the family! My husband dared not to bring any dates close to the family gatherings because the kids wanted to protect the mother. I met her only after we were engaged! She is used to have holidays with my husband and kids for 12 years after the divorce without encountering any challenges.
Linx, do you really care what
Linx, do you really care what [she] is used to having for the holidays??? You sound like you've made up your mind to continue to put up with this nonsense. Although I thank God I do not have a weight issue (as we women are very sensitive about our weight), you've made reference to ex-wifey's overweight issue twice. It's not important that ex-wifey is overweight, however, to you it seems to be an important factor. Your DH still has love in his heart for his ex-wife & apparently will always do so because [she] is the mother of [his] adult-children. I think [they] will always have an affection for each other (whether she's obese or not). She will always feel privvy over you (despite your current status to DH) as she's a member of 'the first wives club.' Perhaps, you should stop complaining about this issue & just blend in (simply the way you r DH has asked you to). And, trust me I'm LMBOL over here. Based on your description, it sounds as if your DH & his ex-wifey are the same age as my parents who are divorced for well over 20 years & my father is still friends with my mom: he gives her large amounts of spending money (just because), visits with her year round (oh & btw my mom has not remarried either), and he attends Thanksgiving & Christmas Dinners at my eldest sister's home (and you're in the advantage because my mom would NEVA allow my stepmom to be present neither would my stepmom desire to attend. This is such an odd request & if you're down with it, then that's you. I just think your whole situation is strange & find it hard to embrace the fact that you & your hubby only get to spend time together during the holidays because the two of you live in separate cities. You've seemed to have accepted or taken on more than what you're truly willing to tolerate & now (for fear of losing your precious new DH you're holding back your true feelings). I'm not offering any further opinions because you've received tons of wonderful & logical advice though you continue to try to make justification for what's going on. Btw, my mom told me that on numerous occasions my dad tried to make their friendship a physical one & if she were down with it it would have been happened. My SM knows nothing about this either & though I love my SM, I would never tell her this because I don't want to hurt her. If you're in your 50s or 60s & you're allowing this, I don't mean to hurt or disrespect you, but you're coming across [to me] as a woman who does not know her worth. If you don't [stand] for something then you'll [fall] for anything . . . SMH!
Dear SoTired1, Thank you for
Dear SoTired1, Thank you for your insights. Your story about your parents is almost entertaining, but revealed the complexity of human beings. I am 1000% that my husband has no attraction towards her. He does not want to hurt her and felt sorry for her because she is so depressed. But she plays a victim to everyone in the family to earn sympathy! I could feel and sense her pain when she sees my husband.
I am not afraid of loosing my husband! We dated for 5 years. I am 12 years younger than both of them. They both are 60 years old. in all dimensions, there is just no competation, not simply the weight! But personalities, career, social skills... I am really not threatened by her or other women. Yes, my husband is very intelligent and good looking and makes a good living. But so do I! I am a professor at a top university and doing well in life. And have lots of friends. I am definitely not fat! Most importantly, like you said, all these external things do not matter! My husband and I do have very close relationship. Believe me, we have talked about these issues for years, again and again!
Right now, we are struggling with strategies for how to deal with her! As I said, she is not rude, known to be kind, sweet and generous. She plays into these perceptions that others have. My husband has decided to walk away each time she tries to be close. Her games are implicit. If you complain, others will laugh at you for being so small. THis is a very hard game to play! I'd rather her being rude and explicit. She just ACTS in every possible opportunity as if she rules the holiday and I am a guest!
I have told my husband that every in this family is sensitive to her feelings and overly protective of her feelings. Everyone expects me to tip toes around her. THis era is over!
If they want me to be there, I will have to be me.
But the strategies we came up is that we will attack back together, but using her strategies that she really can't put her fingers on us and say that we are rude.
For instance, if she cleans my husband's house's kitchen again, we will say: This kitchen is too small (we are not saying that she is fat!) to house 2 people, I know my kitchen and let me clean it. This way, she can't say that we are mean to her,etc. Even if she does, we are not going to care.
I told my hubby until he is on board, I will make every TG miserable for him because I will be miserable.
Even though we live in 2 different cities, the flight is 1 hour between the two. And our working hours are a lot more flexible than business. We can often takes off on Thursdays to start the weekend if we want. Not too bad.
Any strategies for how to deal with these kind of cat---mews with no trace, it would be great!
DoneWithIt, can you offer
DoneWithIt, can you offer some tips for how to go there to have fun? Ignore her? Confront her.
She is clever. She has a reputation for being kind, sweet and nice... she plays well with it. For instance, she would go to clean my husband's kitchen after the TG dinner as if that was her husband's kitchen. Yet, she does not clean her own kitchen when we had TG dinner at her house. We all know why she was doing that, yet, you
can't say: You are not the wife and please get out of the kitchen. She will say: I am just trying to be helpful! My husband said that I should say: "Sorry, I know where things are in this kitchen. Thank you for help, but there is not enough room for 2 people here."
You have to play with her, rather than confronting her because she always acts as she is well intended.
My husband and I have also come to agreement that if kids complain about what I said or do hurt her,etc. we both will pack and leave next day and there won't be any family gatherings.
Any strategies for how to have "fun" with is will be very helpful! Thank you so much!
oneofthefour...my husband
oneofthefour...my husband just goes along with the dingbat as not to cause waves. Dingbat causes enough, that's the point I'm trying to make to Linx...it's all in BM's head. Linx husband is just being a kind father and not giving in to the jackass BM by giving her opportunity to get angry, have a fit, cause a fight. That's exactly what BM wants, drama and she'll go to lengths to get it. When you play along with her, yeah, it means she in your face alot, but it goes smoother for everyone.
Is it fun, nope. Do I wish she'd meet a man, get married and focus on someone else, yep.....but, when you've got someone in your face you can't win.
If husband no longer attends because of BM's behavior, she wins. She has the kids and weeps that she only wanted to be a friend to everyone...she's a victim. Husband and you look bad.
If she's put in her place...she cries a scene, is a victim, and she only wanted to be friends. Husband and you look bad.
The only way to get through these events, tolerate the jackass. It's hard and it's exhausting....but it's the only way. Guys are not going to see what we do.
You can't win with these kind of people. SO no need to punish husband, only pray BM comes down with the chicken pox and has to be quarrantined. But that never seems to happen.
I can't change his ex, and I
I can't change his ex, and I need to learn how to regulate myself in these situations!
His mother was hostile towards me for the past 5 years until recently after we are married.
She finally could see what i went through and she does not like to deal with my husband's ex and me in the same room. His mother was very close to his ex and everyone views her as
sweet and kind, also a big fat wife. But now, his mother starts to loose the patience and says things like she needs to get a life and needs to move on.
It is so true that travelings to so many different families is difficult and it almost requests all the members to toelerate one another.
Based on these posts, it seems to be that I should just stay in the son's house.
Why hide? I should enjoy seeing her act and in the end of the evening, my husband goes to my
bedroom, not hers. My mother in law said: look, her life is much worse than yours. You
have a good relationship, companion, and she has nobody on a daily basis. I have a husband
and she does not.
I had a long conversation
I had a long conversation with my husband and the insights posted in the blog are extremely helpful! He finally sees what I have seen. I told him that the more he lets his ex excise these moves, the worse it will get. If he wants me to spend Thanks Giving with his kids, he will have to educate the kids and sent a strong message to the ex that what she was doing is disrespectful and we won't take it. He agrees with me that he will walk away each time she comes near and won't engage in any conversations. He said that he felt sorry for her, she is depressed, lacks of self-confidence, falling into sleep when guests are talking to her, and fat. We are doing well, happy, productive and both of us have great jobs and both of us are in good physical shapes. So, we should let her get these little benefits. But I told him that more we give, the more she wants. And every TG will only be more miserable rather than comfortable.
I am happy that we both are on the same page now rather than before that he always thinks that I should just rise above and ignore her.
My husband dislikes conflicts intensely. I told him that if he does not stand up and get away from the ex when she gets near, I would
intervene. He said that he's rather be the person to do it.
We are debating if we should stay in a hotel. If we do, it is like we are telling her that she rules the space and we try to avoid her.
But if we don't, we will have to interact with her days and nights for 4 days.
What should we do?
I think that you are
I think that you are absolutely right! We don't want her to feel
that she rules the house if we are not there. Also, the house is a big mansion that one can get lost in it. 3 stories with 10 bedrooms! The chance for me to see her near the bedroom is almost 0. But dealing with her for all 3 meals sucks! I want some space. My husband said why she stays and we spends money and stays out?
But I will have to ask myself if I want to be so blended yet with the family. I may need to see a therapist and talked it out and see what she/he suggests.
No. it has nothing to do with
No. it has nothing to do with money because we are not in short of money. All the problems we have, we don't have money problems. We also have decided to put both of our money together after we are married.
He just feels unfair why he stays out and she stays in like a ruler?
Even if we stay in a hotel, the husband will spend lots of time with the kids because he sees me more often than them. And these little grand kids. So, the hotel won't be a resort that he and i will stay alone. He did say that xmas is mine however I want to spend.
He dislikes conflicts and don't want to make a scene about ourselves. But I don't care! I told him that I will evaluate myself, if I don't think that i can handle the house, we will be in a hotel end of discussions.
My husband finally agrees that we have to put the foot down or she will continue her mini acts. I told him that if she ever puts food on his plate again, I will take over the plate and dump everything into the trash. My husband said that he will dump his plate altogether.
I think that it finally got him that this is not like not a big deal as he puts it....
Wow, everyone please forgive
Wow, everyone please forgive my spelling, omg...my posts on here have been the worst. Glad you're all able to figure out what I've written.
Linx, when you deal with a woman that's more like a bucket of loose nuts and bolts, it'a a challenge.
I say stay at the house and keep a journal. May sure it's locked!! FOr some fun, you might even allow her to know you're writing a journal. Heck, you might even get a good story out of the whole event that'll make you some money. People always get a bit nervous when they see someone writing about them.
But...make sure it's kept under lock and key. You no Miss Nosey will do her best to read about herself.
See, you can have some fun with these people.
Yeah...stay at the house and save the money for shopping...come home with good stuff and let her ogle that.
And, please remember, your husband really has no control over someone that's pure goofy. Sounds like he's trying his best to make sure it's a rational and safe time for everyone. He's knows she's a mess. You just need to know it and try to get something out of being that mess. Write...write write write what's happened and try to find the humor in the crazy you know what tagging behind your poor husband.