I have a feeling I will be in your shoes in a couple years. My sd8 is allowed to reign supreme when she comes to our house, and her BM is the dragon lady herself. They lie, they manipulate, they are going to be the downfall of DH and I as well. He and I could not have a more perfect relationship when they are gone, We have not seen or heard from BM or SD since last Wednesday and it has been bliss, but SD comes tonight to stay and he and I are already tense with each other. It is sad that children can have so much power over our adult emotions, and attitudes. I hope you are able to get through the SD behavior, just think she is nearly out of your life, she is nearly an adult and if DH and BM are doing the right thing, she will soon be self sufficient and have her own life and be less of an impact on yours. I long for those days. 10 more years of hell and child support for us, but you are nearly done!!!!! Best of luck and hang in there!

If the Broom Fits, Ride It!!!!!

Calm down. First, know that you aren't alone. There are so many people on here with adult skids that are hateful and are trying to break up marriages. Second, the good news is that your dh actually agrees that the problem is his ex and daughter (trust me this is better than some situations where the dh is totally cluesless and thinks the sm is being selfish. Third, you need to forget about what sd says to her mother or what either of them tell others. You (and dh) can not control this. Try to let go of the things you can't control and focus on the things you can control. If the inlaws believe the nonsense that says more about their character than it says about you. Fourth, protect yourself from the people who believe this nonsense. If that means ignoring your inlaws, do it. Let them all live in their drama and remove yourself from it. Fifth, once you've figured out what is controllable talk to dh about it calmly. Remember you can't control what she says or how she behaves. What you can control is what you're willing to tolerate in your home. Figure that out and explain it clearly to dh in non-accusatory terms "I love you and I want us to have peace in our relationship. I feel like we're getting swept into all this drama that shouldn't be our problem. I want you to have a good relationship with your daughter, but it pains me to see her disrespect you and I won't watch it happen. I also will not tolerate being disrespected. It is unfair of me to have to bite my tongue in my own house and it is unfair that I have to stress over what she says to 13yo. If you do not address this behavior, I will have to ask you to visit her somewhere other than our home". Tell him that you're so sorry it has come to this because you love him so much and you've been trying very hard for 8 years to not step on his toes, but you can't continue because it is making you not like who you've become. Take it slow. He won't change overnight and let him know that you support his relationship with sd (never make it sounds like you are competing with her) and your hopes for her were that she would grow into a young lady with manners and class and you think there is still hope but it is his responsibility to teach her what that means with respect to her treatment of others and respecting their boundaries.

It is much harder than I've made it sound. Always is, but there is hope and you are not alone on this path.

"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!

My DH is WONDERFUL to my boys from previous marriage. He has steeped in and he loves them, yet he never crosses the boundary of dad, because they have a great father too. I often feel horrible for not liking SD because he is so good to my boys. He coaches their baseball teams, goes to all school functions, and I dont want to go to any of hers. I truly beieve its because her mother has said such horrible things about me both in front of SD and to other people that I dont want her to see me and have more fuel for her game of words. I have met her 2 times in 2 years and hope to NEVER see her again. As far as SD goes, I wish she would just come by for holidays, birthdays, or for money. For me that would be wonderful. I would write her a check and send her on her happy way, but instead she comes and stays and goes through or bills and my personal stuff, including MY bathroom. We have 3 bathrooms in this house, kids bathroom, DH bathroom, and MY bathroom, and I caught her going through my things in there. Plus she has searched through our computer. I am sure her mom puts her up to it, we think she wantsto take DH back for more child support and has SD up to looking for a pay stub. Thats how crazy this bitch is, and SD just does what she is told by BM. We have SD going to a psychiatrist, but its not helping. It really just plays into her needs for all eyes on her and constant attention from an adult,BM is also an attention whore, and she is a lesbian and flaunts her choices in front of everyone, and BM coaches her what to say so she never really opens up to the dr. I HATE being a step parent. If God forbid, anything ever happens to DH or we for some reason end our relationship, I will stay ALONE or only date men with NO kids. Its just too much drama.

If the Broom Fits, Ride It!!!!!

Don;t let her break up your marriage. You love each other and she could be 12 right now (6 more years) LOL. I think she is just emulating what her mom is telling her abt you and it is what it is. I would def not let her babysit again and I would tell my 13 year old not to talk to her. Now, your Hubby is in a though spot: he loves you and cares abt your relationship but he also love that eveil SD of yours... He can't choose and don't ask him too ever. It is tough i am sure, but try and take deep breaths when it happens. Be honest with the in-laws: they know you well enough by now and let it ride... unfortunatly, that's all you can do!
Good luck girl!
Ami

My heart goes out to you -
I found your post after posting (copy below)in the forum under Adult Stepchildren. I know what you are going through because my story is so like yours - except, my husband has told me to go. My husband was the best thing that ever happened to me. I am still reeling in shock - how do these SD sleep at night.
___

A year ago SD moved in with my husband and I. She decided she wanted to live with her dad. Husband (Dad) and I have been married for 13 years. For 12 of those 13 years we had a good marriage. SD has never liked me - poisoned, I guess by her mother because her mother has always hated me. Tension in our home, coming from husband as piggy in the middle between SD and me is so bad I said to husband - either SD must return to her mother or I will leave. Husband says he cant tell SD to leave ... so its me that has to go. SD is 19 and she has a mother living in another country. SD has a passport to live in her mothers country. I am, I believe in my heart of hearts not a wicked stepmother, just a stepmother who was never given the chance from day one from the SD. I am also a big softy - SD at present rules our house. She sees herself under her dad, and I fall under her. She has no respect for me. I feel as if my husband has betrayed and abandoned me, tossing me out like a sweet wrapper. Husband says I brought this on myself by asking him to chose between wife and daughter - and he goes on to say, ask any man - and the man will do what he has done, the man will chose his daughter over his wife. The man will tell his wife to leave. We are seeing a divorce Attorney on Tuesday morning. I am moving out of our family home in 14 days. My husband has asked me to move out, he has rented me an apartment. SD, will continue to live in what was my home, with her Dad. I cant stop crying - I love my husband very much, I really thought his choice would have been me. I love my home, that is no more my home. Why this post (1) I want to warn S-Mothers not to do what I have done - never to ask their husbands to chose between them and their daughter, you might, like me be the one who is told to go (2) Feel free to tell me that I was a fool (or not a fool) thinking after giving my husband 13 years of my life that he would me to stay with him.

Have you considered just laying it all out to your husband? Tell him that you can't take it anymore and that your sanity and peace has been shattered and you really feel that he doesn't quite do enough to stop it. Further you could ask that she not be allowed in the house alone. The issue with giving the sleeping medication to your six year old is actually assault and you could press charges. She is an adult and maybe that would have some impact on her behavior. Also have you explored the reasons she might be doing this? Has anyone ever addressed her feelings about the divorce? She probably views you and your children as her competetion and is acting out because of it.

Just some thoughts, I wish you luck. I don't think that this needs to destroy your marriage though, don't give the kid that much power.

Take care,
TattooQT

All I can say is... I am so sorry! I am totally in the same situation. My 17yr. old SD has her daddy wrapped around her little finger. She tells outrageous lies about us both and my bio kids too. Daddy (my BF) is very wishy-washy about discipline when it comes to her..... punishments (when they occur) are forgotten almost immediately.

Choosing your own sanity over her drama seems like the best thing to me. Don't worry about sounding harsh, sometime reality has to kick in and take over. I have decided to ignore my SD rather than be caught up in her circus.

I wish you luck and peace as well... hang in there and don't let her ruin your marriage!!

Well don't wait for 18...my SD left the day she graduated High School...went to live with some boy's family, they asked her to leave, then she lived with a cousin, they asked her to leave, then she lived with another boy, they asked her to leave, then she went to live with her Mother and her significant other...they are now fighting and have asked her to leave...so guess what? 21 and coming back to Daddy...kill me...

Hang in there and know that you are not alone. We are here for you. I know that one day I will be in your shoes. My BF daughter is 10 now but it is coming. She will never have a successful relationship because she's too self centered and never hold a job very long because she is too lazy and doesn't take authority well and has no resepct for others.
(((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))