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Don't want to be angry all the time

lily11's picture

Submitted by lily11 on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 9:18am

I have read this a lot on this website, about not wanting to feel angry all the time. This must be a pretty normal experience as a step parent.

I feel like my story is pretty similar to a lot of others I read on here.

ss15 is rude... angry and complaining most of the time... disrespectful much of the time to everyone... lazy and refuses to be helpful... resents me being around... tries to start trouble between me and DH... I feel that DH really does do the best he can with ss15 and the best he can to be understanding of my situation as well.

When ss15 comes to visit, I start out with a positive attitude and by the time he leaves, I am angry and miserable. At first I try not to let things bother me and then I end up complaining and fighting with DH. I don't like my own attitude! I don't like that I let ss15 get to me this much. I don't like that there is so much tension and unhappiness when he's around.

I have tried to find a way to be positive and supportive with DH and ss15 as much as possible and at the same time not be so emotionally invested that I become this upset. I recognize that ultimately, all I can control is my own attitude and behavior. But my resolve wears thin after a few weeks with ss15.

I spend time with DH and ss15 but I also find plenty of other things to do on my own that I enjoy and leave DH and ss15 to do their own thing. The longer ss15 is here, the more I pull away from both of them because the tension and negativity is draining.

By the time ss15 is ready to go back home, I am feeling so angry and miserable I wish I never had to be around this kid again. After he leaves I am so happy to have my peaceful life back again and I feel just a little bit more bitter each time, like I don't know if I can go through this again. I love DH very much, he's a wonderful husband and father. I care about his relationship about his son, and I do care about ss15. I just cannot stand being around ss15 and the feeling is getting worse instead of better.

I don't like how I'm thinking and feeling. How can I do a better job of not letting this situation wear me down like this?

Comments

wonderwhy's picture

Submitted by wonderwhy on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 10:17am

I too feel the same way you do. The situation is not easy at all. All I can say is try to do things that keep you busy while she is visiting. I do and find that this helps. Or ask DH if they can just go hang out together. We can't let the skids win!! Keep your head up! Wink

reluctantgma's picture

Submitted by reluctantgma on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 10:19am

Lily11, maybe you're putting too much into being supportive of DH? Maybe DH is doing the best he knows how, but maybe you need to get off the sidelines as his reluctant cheerleader and edumacate him a bit (i.e. lay down the law)? There should be house rules and consequences (mutually agreed upon by both of you and consistently enforced by DH) to address those issues of which you speak. Are there?

Angry and complaining? Go to your room/space to be angry, SS from hell. Complain to the wall. Disrespectful to other household members? Go to your room/space with no television, vid games or cell phone until you feel friendlier. Lazy and refuses to be helpful? If you can't do a few simple chores, then you must be too tired to participate in any activities that you consider fun too.

I'm not perfect and have put up with a whole lot of unnecessary nonsense letting my Beloved fail to parent SS14 the best he knows how. I'm done with that now and have disengaged. Bf is welcome to cover for and make all the excuses he can conjure for Baby Huey's inappropriate behaviors and excessive need to dominate anyone in his firmament. BUT, Baby Huey will NOT visit that nonsense on me in MY household.

primin's picture

Submitted by primin on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 11:00am

I feel exactly the same way. I avoid SD like the plague and it's starting to really affect my relationship with my DH. I know intellectually that DH should have a relationship with her, but I am angry, bitter and nasty. There is so much negative history and the BM literally is a psycho who just never stops. I feel that the crazy BM is in our lives because of this kid. I know it's not her fault. I know she should love her Mom, but I can't stomach it anymore.

I wish I knew where to put the anger and animosity. It's actually gotten to the point of full out hatred. I know how terrible it sounds. I feel guilty enough for it. I don't treat SD rudely, but I avoid her like the plague. I'm like the freaking ice queen.

lily11's picture

Submitted by lily11 on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 2:36pm

I agree that I'm getting too involved with being supportive of DH and I think it's becoming at the expense of my own well being and peace of mind. Sad That's an issue I know I need to work on.

But I don't feel motivated to get involved with discipline of ss15 in any way at all. Maybe I should, but the inclination is just not there. I don't feel that I want to make a commitment emotionally or otherwise with ss15.

DH takes care of almost everything when ss15 is with us. He does most of the cleaning, laundry, etc. involved with ss15 when he visits. He also deals with the rudeness, attitude, etc., I do not. ss15 has learned that I won't put up with a lot of nonsense and he's figured out when he needs to back off. I don't argue, I don't discipline. But I'll speak directly and frankly when he crosses the line so he does watch the line around me.

I just get tired of it. Even if he's not directly rude, the attitude is always there through facial expressions or jokes, etc. DH is more patient than I am and will put up with more than I will.

I am struggling to find a balance between making a reasonable effort with ss15 and being nice but not letting myself get so involved that I'm angry and miserable. I decided for example that I will cook, etc. for ss15 if I want to, when I want to and because I want to and not because I feel I have to. So I do some things for him but when I become frustrated or angry, I back off and leave it to DH.

So that's basically my approach and it's not working very well. I still feel sucked into the drama. I feel emotionally drained, angry and miserable by the tension and unhappiness in my house when he's here.