Defining Disengaging
I've been asking myself where is there a middle ground. How can I keep from letting myself getting back into angry mode without completely shutting out anything related to ss15? How can I keep from being too nice and too emotionally vulnerable? How can I maintain control over my own attitude and behavior despite ss15 and BM's behavior?
After reading my blog yesterday, reading the responses and then reading many other commments here, I did a lot of thinking.
I keep coming back to the idea of drawing my personal boundaries. DH and I had a long talk last night and I feel that's what it's all about. I want to be treated with respect, especially in my own home. And I don't want to be treated like a maid. I'm not ss15's mother and I don't want the job in any way shape or form. DH respects these boundaries and I do see him working hard to ensure that ss15 does as well. It's a constant battle with ss15 but I see there's consistent effort on DH's part and ss15 reluctantly tries when he realizes he has no choice. I need to stay on this track of establishing and maintaining my personal boundaries. I want to enjoy quality time with DH and ss15, both becausue it makes DH happy and I do enjoy time with the two of them when we all get along and everyone's behaving respectfully. It feels like the right thing to do but I get so frustrated with the constant struggle of it.
So why do I continue to get to the point of so much anger when I have to be aorund ss15 for more than a few days? Even with the effort and gradual improvement I've seen? I read a lot of comments on here yesterday and thought about it and I believe the root of it is the control that BM has and the lack of power I feel that I have. BM has had a lot of control over DH and ss15, for many years before I ever came along. She has a power over DH because she has a strong influence over his son and she uses this influence to cause trouble between them, making DH feel afraid he will lose his son. I have felt powerless and resentful about it and that has escalated into anger. I cannot do a thing about the fact that she play games with her child and my husband with the intention of causing as much trouble as she possibly can. DH and I talked about that at length. I am trying to understand how it feels from his point of view and he's trying to understand how it feels from my point of view.
So disengaging to me is to set personal boundaries with ss15 and DH so they know how I expect to be treated in my own home when ss15 is with us. And it also means to work to keep my focus on the overall big picture so I don't get overly involved in and emotional over the day to day struggles. But more than that, I think disengaging for me also involves seeting boundaries in regards to that power BM attempts to wield in our lives, both when ss15 is at our house and when he's not. It involves communication between DH and me to maintain awareness and prevent that from happening in our lives. And I think it involves DH and ss15 learning how to have their own relationship without BM constantly interfering and causing problems. At least when they are at our house - because the bottom line for me is that BM should have no jurisdiction at my house.
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An additional note: My life,
An additional note:
My life, my home is quiet and peaceful when ss15 is not here. DH and I get along very well, we are very happy. When ss15 is here, it's like a roller coaster ride. I know some if that's just normal with teenagers. But I'm trying to separate what's normal for teenagers and what is just tension and conflict added by BM. Whenever DH and ss15 are happy and getting along, she immediately starts making trouble by upsetting ss15 and causing a conflict between the two of them. It's amazing to me the way BM can actually change the atmosphere in my own home. I feel this is the root of the problem for me. This is what I am resentful about. This is what sets off my anger and makes me miserable when he's here. I feel that BM is having an influence, power or whatever you could call it, in my own home and I'm deeply resentful of it. All the other things, the personal boundary issues, the rudeness and other behaviors that I can't stand and get so frustrated and angry with... I feel it's all connected to the root of the problem being me feeling powerless.
I identified with your
I identified with your description very strongly, particularly the second part, I feel powerless in the face of BM's spite and hostility and her influence. Like yours, my home is quiet and a haven of peace, DH and I hardly ever argue except about BM and the SDs.
I disengaged from my SDs 8 years ago when they were 8 and 6, because I felt that anything I said or did would be reported back negatively to the BM; I was afraid to be alone with the children in case BM manufactured tales of abuse; and because the children, especially the younger one, was and is very hostile to me despite all my efforts to be kind.
Unlike you, however, the fear that my DH has that he will lose his daughters has diminished year on year, because the girls began to see BM in her true colours, and also because DH (with my encouragement and suggestions) gradually started standing up to her more and more. If this has not happened in your household, although your SS is 15 and I imagine should be breaking away from his mother emotionally more and more, in the natural process of becoming independent - that is slightly worrying. It suggests a very strong and dysfunctional emotional control by BM. I think your DH needs to try to start to break this - or how will his son?
Exactly Kes! I have thought
Exactly Kes! I have thought the same thing. He needs to break this cycle with BM if he expects his son to be able to. DH is seeing it and has made big changes in how he deals with and interacts with BM. And in the past year, ss15 has had a lot of issues with BM. She's had to deal with him calling her out on a lot of her nonsense. He is starting to see what's going on, like you say, and he's getting tired of it. But it's a been a gradual and painful process. It feels like we take one step forward and then another step right back. BM is a toxic person.